Hardware Wars

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Hardware Wars
Hardware Wars.jpg
Counterclockwise from top left: Fluke Starbucker, Chewchilla the Wookiee Monster, Ham Salad, and Augie "Ben" Doggie.
Directed by Ernie Fosselius
Produced by Ernie Fosselius
Michael Wiese
Written by Ernie Fosselius
Starring Scott Mathews
Cindy Furgatch (aka Cindy Freeling)
Jeff Hale
Bob Knickerbocker
Frank Robertson
Narrated by Paul Frees
Music by Richard Wagner
Cinematography John V. Fante
Michael Wiese
Distributed by Pyramid Films
"20th Century Foss"
Release dates 1978
Running time 13 min.
Country  United States
Language English
Budget $8,000

Hardware Wars is a 1978 short film parody of the classic science fiction film Star Wars. The thirteen-minute film, which was released shortly after Star Wars, consisted of little more than inside jokes and visual puns that heavily depended upon audience familiarity with the original. The theme song is Richard Wagner's famous "Ride of the Valkyries". The tagline was "You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss three bucks goodbye."

Synopsis[edit]

The film begins with the text "Meanwhile — in another part of the galaxy — later that same day". A household steam iron flies through space, fleeing a toaster, which fires toast at it. Two robots named 4-Q-2 (who looks like the Tin Man from the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz) and Arty-Deco (a canister vacuum cleaner), escape from the evil Empire. After launching from the ship (a cassette player) in an escape pod (a cassette tape), they land on a desert planet (a watermelon). They are found by young Fluke Starbucker (played by future multi-platinum award winning music producer Scott Mathews) who finds a video message saved on Arty-Deco. It is a loop of Princess Anne-Droid saying "Help me Augie Ben Doggie, you're my only hope." Upon meeting Augie "Ben" Doggie (of the venerable Red-Eye Knights), Fluke receives his father's lightsaber (a flashlight). After tricking the Imperial Steam Trooper guards (steam cabinets) to let them into the city, they reach a cantina, which Fluke describes as "too weird". The cantina is a country and western bar, where they meet space renegade Ham Salad and Chewchilla the Wookiee Monster (played by a puppet that resembles Cookie Monster of Sesame Street fame). Meanwhile, the villainous Darph Nader is interrogating the princess. When she refuses to talk (mainly because she can't understand him; his speech is muffled by his welder's mask), he destroys her peaceful home planet, Basketball (the name speaks for itself).

After a light-speed chase, Fluke, Ham, Augie, and the rest are sucked into the enemy base (a waffle iron). After they rescue the princess, Augie Ben Doggie chooses to stay behind to battle Darph Nader (in response, he is derogatorily called a "martyr" by the rest of the group). Their spaceship is next assaulted by bits of tin-foil trash, which makes Chewchilla jittery until he spies Princess Anne-Droid's hair whorls, which are cinnamon rolls worn on the sides of her head. Taking after the Cookie Monster, he eats one as the Princess looks on in disgust.

The last scene of the movie involves Fluke flying in a squad of spaceships (bottle openers), presumably to attack the waffle iron. On his way, Fluke is told to "trust your feelings" by the ghostly voice of Augie (who we assume has died in the fight with the villain). Because this short film is a parody of a "coming attractions" teaser trailer, the destruction of the enemy base is not shown, nor is there any victory celebration. The movie ends with "May the Farce be with you", in mockery of the famous Star Wars line. At the very end of the credits, we are told the movie was "filmed on location in space", followed by the statement "no animals were killed in the making of this film", reflecting the legal statement that was beginning to appear in film credits at that time.

Production[edit]

Hardware Wars was written and directed by San Francisco native Ernie Fosselius and produced by Michael Wiese. It was structured as a mock-movie trailer, and Fosselius even secured narration from veteran voice-over artist Paul Frees, who provided the voice work for the original Star Wars trailers. Fosselius capitalised on his budget limitations by using deliberately ridiculous household objects as props; spaceships were represented with such items as steam irons, toasters and cassette recorders, and the lightsaber of "Fluke Starbucker" was a flashlight. The characters, played by actors who were just as low-budget as the props, were also parodied in name and appearance; for example, Chewbacca the wookiee was replaced by "Chewchilla the Wookiee Monster," an obvious Cookie Monster puppet, dyed brown, and Darth Vader's counterpart, "Darph Nader," wore a welding helmet that distorted his voice so much that no one could understand anything he said. Other notable characters include "Ham Salad," "Augie Ben Doggie," "Princess Anne-Droid," and the drones, "4-Q-2" (who resembles the Tin Woodman from the Wizard of Oz) and "Arty Deco" (an antique canister vacuum cleaner). Upon completion, Scott Mathews vowed to never act in another film again, saying; "I'm goin' out on top, baby!"

Reception[edit]

Hardware Wars won over 15 first place film festival awards, including the award for Most Popular Short Film at the Chicago Film Festival. It is considered to be the most profitable short film of all time, grossing US$1,000,000; considering its paltry US$8,000 budget, its profit ratio was much better than Star Wars. George Lucas said in a 1999 interview on the UK's The Big Breakfast television show that Hardware Wars was his favorite Star Wars parody.[1]

In 2003, the film was honored by Lucasfilm when it was given the Pioneer Award at that year's Official Star Wars Fan Film Awards. In August 2010, Time magazine listed it as one of the Top 10 Star Wars fanfilms.[2]

Video releases[edit]

Hardware Wars had originally been available on film from Pyramid Films. It was first made available commercially on home video with the Warner Home Video release Hardware Wars, and Other Film Farces, which also included another Fosselius parody, Porklips Now. The tape also included Closet Cases of the Nerd Kind and the animation classic Bambi Meets Godzilla.

To spoof the "Special Edition" re-release of Star Wars in 1997, which included additional scenes and more advanced digital special effects, Hardware Wars was re-released on VHS as a twenty-minute "Special Edition," with new digital "special defects." Fosselius did not participate or approve of this release, as noted in a disclaimer on the packaging.

The film was released on DVD in 2002 in its original form, with commentary tracks and other special features.

It was later released on DVD again by Apprehensive Films for its 30th Anniversary. This release is approved and licensed from Ernie Fosselius.

References[edit]

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