|This article relies on references to primary sources. (September 2007)|
|First appearance||"The Series Has Landed"|
|Voiced by||Phil LaMarr|
|Occupation||Bureaucrat Grade 36 and accountant of the Planet Express delivery company.|
|Relatives||Wife: LaBarbara Conrad
Son: Dwight Conrad
|Origin||Kingston, Surrey, Jamaica|
Fictional character biography 
Appearance and personality 
Born in 2959, Hermes is a grade 36 bureaucrat from Jamaica. He manages the Planet Express delivery business with responsibilities that include paying bills, giving out legal waivers, and notifying next of kin. He is an uptight workaholic (Hermes is disappointed by the fact that he is anal only 78.36% of the time and became upset when he would not allow himself to have Valentine's Day off). This character trait was first noticed when he was four years old, when a hurricane hit Kingston and threw his alphabet blocks out of order. More stereotypically, he is a Rastafarian, as seen by his invoking Jah in "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back". Fry also refers to him as a "Rastafarian Accountant" to which Hermes replies, "Tally me Banana". Hermes' dedication to his work ethic is displayed in the episode "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back". Hermes suffered a breakdown over his failure to perform his job to perfection, and was sent on paid vacation, which is considered the "ultimate penalty". However, the spa he chose as a vacation spot turned out to be a forced labor camp. Hermes managed to restore his bureaucratic bearing and self-confidence when he was inspired to reorganize the labor camp for greater efficiency; his wife stating "My Hermes got that hellhole running so efficiently that all the physical labor is now done by a single Australian man". Hermes then organized the "Master IN Pile" at the Central Bureaucracy, but finished 2 seconds early and was demoted from grade 36 to grade 38. But he discovers a mistake made by his replacement bureaucrat and is promoted back to grade 37. By the start of Season 6, however, he has regained his Grade 36 status.
Hermes frequently admonishes the staff for not working hard enough. He strongly dislikes Doctor Zoidberg, often treating him as a "thing" and not a person, and normally punishes Zoidberg first even when obviously innocent. In "The Route of All Evil", Hermes derides Cubert's business savvy, noting "You don't have your own office, your own building, or ... one of those things! (pointing to Zoidberg)". Zoidberg once recommended a relaxation spa to Hermes and his wife which turned out to be a disguised forced-labor camp (Zoidberg later rescued them), and Hermes once forced Zoidberg to pay for damages to the Planet Express Corporation building which were actually caused by Leela. In "The Deep South" he attempts to convince the crew to eat Zoidberg after about 5 minutes without food. Then again, Hermes and Zoidberg participated in "a little just-friends spooning" while on a camping trip ("Spanish Fry"). Also in "Into the Wild Green Yonder", when Fry gets the ability to read minds, he reads Hermes's mind and says "You said it, Hermes, [Zoidberg] is pathetic but lovable."
In the Season 7 episode "The Six Million Dollar Mon," Hermes' focus on productivity at the office leads him to fire himself after an annual performance evaluation, due to all the time he has to spend on it. He has several robotic components implanted into his body in order to allow him to be more efficient, eventually replacing every part of himself. When he has his brain switched out, Zoidberg uses it along with the rest of Hermes' original body parts to bring him back to life. The robot melts down when it eats a piece of Hermes' skin, which has become saturated with the excessive spices that his wife uses in her cooking.
Throughout the series, many of his comments imply that he smokes marijuana: such instances include Hermes ordering a "Shirley Hemple" at a bar, denying ownership of a "cigar" that his son stole from him ("That's not a cigar... and it's not mine"), or mistaking a discussion about robosexual marriage for one about drug laws ("Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!"). He also claims an "oregano" farm as a tax deduction and once announced that he "must flush some things" before phoning the police. Hermes is also the only one to react when Fry picks up a bong in "Bendin' in the Wind". When Amy sees what she thinks is a cockroach in "Benderama" she exclaims, " A big fat roach!" to which Hermes replies, "I thought I put that away!" Despite this and other evidence of his use of pot (including "three decades of the munchies," as he says in "The Prisoner of Benda"), none of his co-workers have ever directly seen him smoking the drug.
Hermes is also known to dislike labor unions, once referring to Labor Day as created by "fat-cat union gangsters", though seconds later he exclaims "Hot damn, a day off!" upon learning that it was that very day ("When Aliens Attack"), and consulting Glurmo about firing the entire crew and replacing them with Grunka-Lunkas for half the pay ("Fry and the Slurm Factory").
Despite his disdain and attitude towards most of his coworkers, he has more recently been portrayed as one of the most compassionate characters in the series, and seems to have a soft spot for Bender. In the Season 6 episode "Lethal Inspection," it is revealed that Hermes used to work for Mom's Robot Factory in Tijuana, Mexico as Inspector #5, checking robots for defects as they came off the production line. Bender was built here without a backup module, but Hermes' compassion for the baby robot led him to override Bender's "defective" assessment and give him a chance at life. He turned in his resignation immediately afterward, and later destroyed all evidence of his employment there in order to prevent Bender from learning the truth, almost being killed in the process. As the episode ends, he smiles quietly at his burning personnel file and nods, showing him to be proud of his choice. In the earlier episode "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back", he risked his bureaucratic license to rescue Bender, sorting the entire Master IN pile in under four minutes to recover the disc containing Bender's downloaded brain.
When surprised, Hermes often utters a rhyming exclamation consisting of an animal and a place, such as "Sweet gorilla of Manila", "Sweet file not found of Puget Sound, "Sweet yeti of the Serengeti", or "Sweet three-toed sloth of ice planet Hoth." After he was talked out of killing himself in "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back" he was too distraught to rhyme, merely whimpering "Sweet something of... someplace". He also tends to make analogies to current situations involving green snakes and sugarcane: "Our electricity bill is climbing faster than a green snake up a sugarcane", "I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugarcane field" and "The pressure will crush you like a green snake under a sugarcane truck". He sometimes exclaims "Haile H. Selassie", which is both a reference to Emperor Haile Selassie I of Ethiopia and a Rastafarian-inspired parody of the more mainstream Christian curse, "Jesus H. Christ". He has also invoked "Ras H. Tafari". Occasionally, Hermes will shout things that reference "The Banana Boat Song" (better known as "Day-O!"). In one episode, Fry describes him as a "Rastafarian accountant", to which he replies "Tally me banana!" despite Fry originally thinking he was an "outer space potato man." In another episode, he was hit in the head, causing him to shout "Daylight come!". In "Three-Hundred Big Boys", when Hermes gives his son a gift which he doesn't want, he angrily states that he "tallied almost three-hundred bananas on this entertainment product". In "The Deep South", after a giant fish eats his sandwich, he shouts, "My Manwich!" This refers to the fact that the Manwich jingle is performed in Reggae. His son, Dwight, also says it when a school bully takes his Manwich in "The Route of All Evil".
Bad habits 
On more than one occasion he has hinted to be willing to kill his co-workers without any reason, considering them totally expendable and is usually indifferent to their peril. For example, in the episode "The Farnsworth Parabox", when the ship was being flown to the Sun and the crew about to be discarded into it, Hermes had second thoughts about whether he should or shouldn't save them. Earlier in the same episode, he gives Leela a gun and tells her to "Use it to shoot those guys" (i.e. Fry, Bender and Zoidberg). Leela then responds "Right... if they try to look into the box" to which Hermes replies: "Whatever..." On another occasion, when Leela is going to get a permit for her mutant parents to visit the surface, Hermes asks her to pick him up a license to kill. When she asks "Bare hands or weapon?" he responds with "What does piano wire count as?" He has also shown disdain towards Nibbler in "The Deep South" when he picks up a pet license for him, Leela remarks "That's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler." Hermes then replies, "Dream on, woman! I'd like to put him in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space!" The license turns out to be a mandatory fishing license however, mitigating the fishing trip for the episode.
Hermes was once an Olympic limbo athlete. He was competing at the 2980 Olympic Games for the Earth team when a little boy ran onto the field. The boy wanted to be "just like Hermes", but broke his back while attempting to limbo and apparently died, taking into account what Hermes says. This event traumatized Hermes and he could not bring himself to limbo again until decades later, when he found it necessary to slide under a nearly-closed door aboard the space cruise ship Titanic in order to save the lives of himself and his co-workers.
His confidence (though not his physique) restored, Hermes came out of retirement to compete for Jamaica at the 3004 Olympics, after the original team was detained at the airport for "other interests" (again, implied to be marijuana). He wore a special body-shaping suit that tore apart during the event, leading to his disqualification and a victory for longtime rival Barbados Slim. Hermes' wife LaBarbara Conrad was once married to Slim; she temporarily gets back together with him (twice) in Bender's Big Score.
In Bender's Big Score, Hermes limbos under one sword that nicks his belly, but as he begins to gloat he is accidentally decapitated by another sword (which was crossed with the first one over the Planet Express' fireplace). His body is crushed and badly damaged moments later, and his head is put into a jar for preservation until repairs can be made. Hermes is left depressed when LaBarbara reveals that, since he is now only "two half-daddies," she is again seeing her ex-husband Barbados Slim. A time replication of his body is brought to the future by Bender, but Zoidberg mistakenly reattaches his head backwards. During Leela and Lars' wedding, Hermes is hit in the eye with a pen and trips over the support for an electric chandelier, a shard of which decapitates Hermes again; his body is then crushed and electrocuted by the chandelier (revealing publicly that time-duplicates are doomed to die). However, Hermes' severed head comes to good use when its brainwaves are used to guide the Earth fleet to destroy the Scammer ships. He and LaBarbara get back together and his head is reattached to his original body by competent doctors.
LaBarbara Conrad 
(Voiced by Dawnn Lewis) - Hermes Conrad's wife. She is considerably taller and slimmer than Hermes and is usually seen wearing revealing clothing. LaBarbara was previously married to Barbados Slim, a tall, muscular athlete (whom she refers to as "that mahogany god") who is the only man to win an Olympic Gold medal in both limbo and sex. She accompanies her husband on a trip on the Starship Titanic and another to Spa 5, which turns out to be a slave labor camp. She and her husband often refer to each other only as "husband" and "wife," although in on the Starship Titanic he referred to her simply as "Hot Woman", or simply "Woman" in Bender's Big Score. In "The Route of All Evil", Hermes and LaBarbara's home is shown as very sumptuous. She temporarily leaves Hermes for Barbados Slim in Bender's Big Score within minutes of his being decapitated, believing he would be unable to properly provide for the family as a mere head, only to return to him after Hermes utilizes his thinking skills to save Earth from a hostile takeover. Just like Amy Wong she wears anything that reveals her belly button. She uses large amounts of spices in her cooking, resulting in food that can eat its way through structures and the earth's crust until it reaches Robot Hell ("The Six Million Dollar Mon").
Dwight Conrad 
(Voiced by Bumper Robinson and Phil LaMarr) - 12 year old son of Hermes and LaBarbara Conrad. He has a friendship with Cubert Farnsworth. Dwight takes after his father in many ways, such as finding accounting and bureaucracy more entertaining than more conventional sources of fun. Dwight sports dreadlocks and a T-shirt with the Jamaican flag on it (although he seems to have spent a large amount of time in the United States, as he speaks with a general American accent). In the episode "The Route of All Evil," a bully throws Dwight's lunch pack into a black hole he has made for his science project; the way in which Dwight screams "My Manwich!" is very similar to the way Hermes screams the same words when Bender uses his sandwich as fishing bait in "The Deep South." Phil LaMarr occasionally provides his voice whenever Bumper Robinson is unavailable. Briefly in Bender's Big Score, Dwight is renamed as Dwight Slim, as opposed to Dwight Conrad. This angers Hermes, who exclaims "You took his name?!".