List of Loveline games
Loveline has frequent games and traditions in which phone callers, guests, and the hosts participate. Most of the games and traditions come and leave with their respective hosts.
- 1 Traditional
- 2 Simone Bienne : 2011 - 2012
- 3 Psycho Mike Era : 2010 -
- 4 Stryker Era : 2006 - 2009
- 5 Adam Carolla Era: 1995-2005
- 5.1 Ironic Jewish Caller
- 5.2 Marco Polo: Adam Carolla Version
- 5.3 Dictionary Battle
- 5.4 Veal & Venison
- 5.5 Coach Adam
- 5.6 Germany or Florida?
- 5.7 Ace's Mexican Ranchero Accordion Countdown
- 5.8 Lightning Round
- 5.9 General Caller Betting
- 5.10 Getting the Timing Just Right
- 5.11 How Much Does It Cost To Have Adam Visit A Caller's House
- 5.12 "Bleed American"
- 5.13 Inappropriate Plugs
- 5.14 Jack That Dork
- 5.15 Adam's Pet Peeves
- 5.16 Cyber Adam
- 5.17 Smoke detectors
- 6 See also
- 7 References
Out-of-context sound bites
Engineer Anderson Cowan is fond of splicing up phrases Drew, Adam, Stryker, and guests have uttered on previous shows and "dropping" them into new shows mid-call, to the confusion of callers and amusement of seasoned listeners. Some favorites are:
- "Chill Pill."
- "You're fat."
- "Are you a Mormon?" (whenever a caller is from Utah or seems too sexually conservative, or ironically when caller seems especially debauched)
- "Are you a midget?"
- "You're gay."
- "Do you live around or work around little kids?"
- "Do you ride bicycles?"
- "You're a lesbian." (Often repeated several times as Anderson has many similar clips of this)
- "You're a heroin addict."
- "Faggot better run."
- "Yes, sir, Mr. Carolla!"
- "I'm a rapist."
- "When I was 19, I ate six boiled peyote buttons and stayed up all night, but felt no effect."
- "Take a little Vicodin tonight, take some Codeine, smoke a little heroin..."
- "You strike me as someone who would be into men."
- "That's hot."
- "I'm an expert, listen to me for Christ's sake, you're not an expert, your friends aren't experts. I am I am I am!"
- "Listen. (caller keeps talking) Listen! (keeps talking) Listen!!!"
Some of the Drew Drops were set to music in the "Dr. Drew Shuffle" and the later "Dr. Drew Boogie."
There are some other drops taken from a skit on the television show Crank Yankers. Carolla tried to 'hip up' Drew by having him use 'urban' lingo.
- "Why ain't you get no play, playa?"
- "Dr. Drew in the hizzy!"
- "You gotta get out there and get your bitch spunk drunk."
- "So you ain't hittin' the skins?"
- "I'm tellin' you, nigga..."
- "Look muthafuka' I'm tellin' you"
Loveline's various guests are also recorded in these drops.
- Violent J: "Whoa! Oh my God! Somebody- hold the phones! I can't believe it!"
- Violent J: "The only weight I lift is my own: my big fat ass every day when I wake up. HAHAHAHAHA, that was pretty good! AHAHAHAHAHA! My fat ass when I-HAHAHA! Oh my God, play that again!"
- Tom Green: "Swedish. Swedish. Swedish. Swedish. SwedishSwedishSweSweSwe.... "
- New York: "Now girl, when you blow your man, you have to relax, like you really have to wanna take him, in your mouth! Let me have it, squeeze me, bite me, taste me, love me."
- Another from New York: "You just gotta relax your throat, forget that you have gag reflexes, and take him all in. Just don't eat before you do him, basically, so you don't, you know, puke."
- Stephen "Steve-O" Glover: "Hey Drew, why is it that when you rub your balls while you're jerking off, it just feels so much better?"
- Drew: "I hadn't noticed that."
- Anthony "ANT" Kalloniatis: "I'm Ant!"
- Bunny Love: "Yay for fisting!"
- Seth Green as Chris Griffin: "Is it lonely up there on your pedestal?"
- Alex Borstein as her Hungarian grandmother: "Why you so fat?"
- Three 6 Mafia: "Ever heard a song called Next Caller?"
- Rob Dyrdek: "I just don't think there's anything appropriate about screwin' a bag in a couch."
- Dr. Bruce: "I had anal sex and passed out a couple times."
Smoke Detector Batteries
Every once in a while, while a caller is asking a totally unrelated question, Adam and Drew hear a tiny, high-pitched beep in the background and jump all over the caller. They have been conditioned to recognize the tell-tale sound of a smoke detector chirping to remind the owner to replace the battery. This is a personal pet peeve of Adam and Drew, an example they use to show how stupid some of their callers are. They make sure to draw attention to it by making the caller be quiet until they can time the space between beeps (usually between 30–45 seconds), and then every 20 seconds of the caller's question they will interrupt him or her so they can hear the beep. Some callers will deny that something is beeping, but then later in the call, Adam and Drew will find out there is a smoke detector over the caller's bed. Adam has commented that a pet lizard in the person's room would kill itself, yet the caller is totally oblivious. He also joked about how the children of the "smoke detector people" will buy recorded sounds of a smoke detector beep to help them sleep at night.
There is a long-running rule by the hosts of the show that bogus calls are acceptable, but the caller must be able to convincingly portray a real question and deceive the hosts into believing it is genuine. Blurting out a non-sequitur declaration once on the air is considered the mark of an imbecile and is not acceptable, and often the engineer on duty will simply “dump” the caller’s utterance as though it were profanity, preventing it from ever being heard by anyone. Another long standing rule is that the caller must confess immediately if any host doubts their story and calls them out as bogus. This is for safety reasons, because if a caller seems to be in genuine distress or a crime is being described, the hosts are obligated to call the police. Refusal to confess that a call is bogus when confronted is considered a grave infraction. People that confess after a creative call and remain on the line are usually congratulated by the hosts, whether they were discovered as false or revealed it themselves at the end.
References to a mason jars indicate that a given call is a bogus call, and the caller’s story is entirely fabricated. The expression originated with a caller in the late 90s who would call the show with elaborate stories, eventually working in the line "She had a butthole the size of a mason jar." This punchline has since been copied by many other callers which have used both the term "Butt-Hole" and "Ass-Hole." The Mason Jar shtick was around until shortly after the Janet Jackson Super Bowl "Wardrobe Malfunction" caused an extreme tightening of the rules of conduct which caused the show to have to censor the term "Ass-Hole," though this restriction eventually relaxed. The phrase "mason jar" is also used by the hosts when they suspect a call is fake. In 2003, the original caller from Tucson contacted Doctor Drew and apologized for what he had planned to be a simple joke-call that got out of hand. Doctor Drew spoke of his contact with the caller on many episodes in the latter half of 2003 and even offered to have the young man from Tucson, AZ on the show. The caller never accepted the invitation.
Music and Adam's Jibberish
When certain callers from specific places, backgrounds or accents call in, Engineer Anderson will play specific correlative music (if they have a southern or white trash accent; he plays banjo music, if they are a stripper; he plays 'girls, girls, girls', etc.). Usually when Anderson drops the stripper music, Adam breaks into one of his three distinctive jibberish voices that accompanies the song. The strip club DJ, the Morning Radio host, and the Native American (which turns into a Japanese kamikaze at the end). Many times, callers are confused or angered by this.
Dr. Drew's "Powers of Mind-reading" aka "Jedi Drew"
Because of his medical training and experiences as a practicing addiction medicine specialist (which is a form of psychiatry), Dr. Drew can discern a great deal of information about callers from their voice patterns, much to the amazement of guests, co-hosts, and the caller themselves. A common example is recognizing that a caller is a habitual cannabis smoker judging by their distinctive laugh. But one of the more well-known examples are that he can pick up on the "little girl voice" (a common trait of adult women whom were severely traumatized as children) and guess down to a 6 month time period in a woman's life when her trauma occurred, and sometimes even the type of trauma. Many times callers will omit the fact they were traumatized until late in the call, or sometimes outright deny anything happened until the doctor describes a specific behavior (such as being touched by other children or being spanked with an object). Sometimes this denial runs very deep to the great frustration of everyone, which is later followed by the caller circuitously revealing exactly as the doctor predicted.
Common reasons for this obstructive attitude on the caller's part are:
- They perceived the abusive behavior as "normal"
- They don't want to acknowledge the event because it was too painful and they feel better imagining it never happened.
- They "put it behind them long ago" without any sort of psychological treatment, despite the fact that they continue to be miserable in the present.
Often people do not like to admit it to themselves when an outside influence affects who they are and the choices they make. But regardless of this, the implicit memory and alterations to the brain remain, even when the explicit memory is lost or denied.
Simone Bienne : 2011 - 2012
The show will present a question related to a topic related to the show and invite listeners to present their opinions and experiences.
Dr. Drew Sounds Off
A short segment where Dr. Drew speaks directly about a topic of his choosing that he wishes to educate listeners about. Topics are often matters in the popular press but also can be clearing up of misunderstood medical topics.
Psycho Mike Era : 2010 -
Many voices of Psycho Mike
Host Mike Catherwood does a variety of impressions on-air of various celebrities, most commonly:
- Gene Simmons, who often brags with tall tales about his sexual prowess and talks of ways for musicians to make the most money.
- Spencer Pratt, who is portrayed as a white supremacist obsessed with impossibly proportioned women and ostentatious displays of wealth.
- Manny Ramirez, who primarily speaks in strange non sequiturs.
- Adam Carolla, the former Loveline co-host
- An original character named Rudy, Catherwoods's most popular character, who is a parody of cholo stereotypes in southern California. Recurring themes with Rudy include his experiences while in prison (such as being sexually assaulted by his cell-mate), bizarre and sometimes dangerous folk remedies he heard from his grandmother, intimate hair removal on men, and dealings with his long-time girlfriend, "Sad Girl."
- Sven, introduced in 2011. He is a stereotypical Germanic clubber who "eats the ecstasy" and has sex with lots of women. Sven never talks in a normal rhythm; instead, Catherwood chooses to rap along to an instrumental mix that includes "Dirty Bit" and portions of other techno hits.
- Nicolas Cage, who constantly makes mundane references to his movies.
When Anderson, the show’s engineer, dislikes a caller or their story, he will drown them out by playing a fan-made remix of Psycho Mike’s spoof ballad, Smoke More Blunts, Lick More Butt. The song is used in a manner comparable to the gong in The Gong Show, as a method of signaling his disapproval and that the hosts should move on. Dr. Drew and Psycho Mike usually choose to respect the Rudyroll and immediately hang up on the caller, but they will sometimes overrule Anderson and call for the song to stop so they can continue speaking to the caller. Reasons for getting Rudyrolled include the caller being inattentive, slow to respond, argumentative with the hosts, or lying about their story. The term is derived from the internet prank Rickrolling though it bears little resemblance to it.
The origin of this practice is somewhat convoluted. It started when Mike, in the guise of his character Rudy, fielded a call from a woman who said she performed analingus on her boyfriend, but only when high on marijuana. However she was concerned that the fact that he enjoyed receiving it meant he could be homosexual (based a common myth that the anus is only erogenous for gay men, when it actually has nothing to do with sexual orientation). “Rudy” explained that her boyfriend was definitely not gay and there was no problem with this, declaring “Smoke more blunts, lick more butt.” Mike later composed this phrase into a comedic soft ballad, performed in the guise of Rudy with an acoustic guitar. This inspired a contest for the show, where fans were encouraged to submit remixes of the song. The winning remix was eventually chosen and became the official “Rudyroll” song.
A game introduced by Mike on October 24, 2010. The game is composed of riddles which must be solved using two rhyming words. For example, "smelly finger" would be correctly solved with the answer "stinky pinky." The game is currently accompanied by a loop of the sax solo from Run Away by SunStroke Project. Mike is emphatic that only perfect rhymes are acceptable. This led to a conflict when Dr. Drew gave the clue, "type of coffee; designer brand," and his subsequent answer was, "java prada." While this is a completely correct form of assonance rhyming, Mike and Anderson's lack of familiarity with the convention lead to them mocking him for it "not rhyming."
Full Moon Madness
This game was introduced on June 15, 2011. Mike was emotionally preoccupied prior to the show, and Dr. Drew and radio engineer Anderson Cowan noticed his peculiarly overcompensating performance, attributing it to the full moon that was present that night. Later, after a mocking call that complained about perceived misogyny though the show's history, a new game was devised to lighten the mood.
Callers would call in requesting that Mike do an impression of one or any scene from any movie. For movies that Mike is not familiar with, he would give a short, dismissive impression related to what he thinks the movie's main theme is. At the end of the show, Dr. Drew would join in and do one or two impressions of his own. This game is only played on full moon nights during the show's normal schedule.
Stryker Era : 2006 - 2009
The Match Game
A variation on the 1970s game show of the same name, complete with the original theme song. Drew, Stryker and guests present attempted to fill in the blank(s) of an upcoming caller's problem or question. Initially Stryker supplied the question, but recently call-screener Tyler began providing them through the computer for everyone on-air. Example (paraphrased):
- Stryker: "I got a cut on my penis from a [blank] [blank]. Will it heal?" What do you think?
- Coolio: From a [dry] [vagina].
- Stryker: From a [sharp] [tooth].
- Dr. Bruce: From a [razor] [blade]. Maybe he was shaving.
- Stryker: So caller, what happened?
- Caller: I got a cut on my penis from her [tongue] [ring].
The majority of Stryker's drops originate from Anderson taking advantage of Stryker's tendency to comment on a caller's problem in the first person, many of which make Stryker out to be gay. Anderson seems to be deliberately collecting them.
- Stryker: "Drew?"
- Drew: "Yes?"
- Stryker: "Will you be my doctor?"
- Drew: "Yes?"
- Stryker: "I masturbate about 10 to 12 times a day."
- Drew: "Yeesh!"
- "I ejaculated on Seth McFarlane!"
- "Slap me on the ass as hard as you can the next time we have sex, you son of a bitch!"
- "I love it! They're gonna be divorced in a year!"
- "Hello, this is Stryker, a woman trapped in a man's body!"
- "I insist you stick it in my ass!"
- "Would you try it in my ass? I've never had it before."
- "This guy... This guy is a catch, man."
- "Drew, I wanna have your babies."
- "I'm gay, and I slept with my father!"
- "Drew...I'm very into you."
- "I have nipples. Could you milk me?" (quote from Meet the Parents)
- "Hey Drew, wanna do the anal experience?"
Adam Carolla Era: 1995-2005
Ironic Jewish Caller
Adam always claimed that the Jews were a noble people who don't have many of the cultural shortcomings that many other ethnicities seem to call in about on the show. Starting sometime in late 2004 or early 2005 Adam began to note when a caller (usually female) would call in and describe traumatic upbringing, and/or has a kid at a young age, dropped out of school/in junior college, or otherwise has a serious inhibiting factor in their life (or many/all of these things) while the caller seems to make light of it or just casually bring it into the conversation. When they did this, Adam would hold the caller and start to facetiously tell Drew something along the lines about him getting a strong sense this person, and he's usually never wrong about it, and he knows a Jew when he hears one, is in fact Jewish and he's like 100% with it. Then when he finally asks the caller and they ultimately tell him they aren't Jewish he would act upset and confused as if it's the first time he's ever been wrong and Drew would sometimes act appalled as well. Many times the caller wouldn't even realize he was being satirical and act dignified about it (which furthered the point and made it more humorous). This game seemed to be related to a rant about Jews or Asians being the only people allowed to go to junior college and being the only peoples who generally have structured upbringing and become successful.
Marco Polo: Adam Carolla Version
Starting on 05-15-2005 around the 46th minute (after break). To recreate the game 'a little more contemporary' for the youth of today because it's not played enough and he wants his name immortalized. Adam or Drew will say "Adam" in a sing songy way to incite the caller, co-host, or guest to reply with "Carolla" in the same sing songy way. If it goes on for a few beats, usually Drew will chime in quickly; "Adam's masturbating in the jacuzzi!" in place of (fish out of water!). In later episodes random callers would open their call with the 'Adam' callout themselves. A couple of them actually report playing the game in a pool. for reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marco_Polo_%28game%29
For maybe a couple of shows in 2003, there was a little game where a caller would call in and challenge drew to find word definitions faster than Dr. Drew. Usually Adam would make sure the caller and drew had a dictionary and it was closed and then think of an unusual word like "pneumatic" and the first person to get to the word would read the definition and win. It was usually played best out of 3. They stopped playing the game when they discovered a caller had cheated using internet dictionary websites.
Veal & Venison
(And sometimes other unusual animal foods [names] such as caviar, calamari, etc.) Adam will occasionally ask callers what veal or venison are. Often the callers will give a general response of "Meat." or just "I don't know.", to which Drew, or Adam will force them to guess what exactly they think it could be. Often the callers mix up the animals the meats come from or guess other random humorous things. When the callers guess, Drew and Adam often pretend as if the caller got it correctly and continue on like nothing is wrong even though they are, or just continue on not even letting the caller know if they are right or wrong, and the caller's don't seem to notice or care (which adds to the joke).
Every so often Adam will say something along the lines of "Let's get the energy going now." He breaks into his coach moniker (probably a formulation of his high school football coaches) and begins clapping rhythmically and shouting out motivational/morale boosting statements and demands, such as: "Let's break it down now!", "Let's get it moving!" "Grab a knee!", "Don't sit on your helmet, it's not a chair!", "Let's get a hand in!", "The only time your helmet should be on the ground, is with your head in it!". He will also enthusiastically repeat the last word or couple of words of a caller every couple of seconds as they tell their story or ask their question. Adam first began doing this in the second half of 2003. One example of this would be on 02-16-2004 with co-host Dr. Drew at around the 66th minute of the show.
Germany or Florida?
First mentioned on August 14, 2003, with Adam and Dr. Bruce (timestamp around 34:00 min of recording) Germany or Florida is a game that originated at Jimmy Kimmel Live! with the staff of writers who discovered a correlation in the news stories they would read for joke material. Adam observed that "All weird stories emanate from either Germany or Florida." Originally intended as a game to be used on Kimmel's show, it was rejected and Adam decided to bring it to Loveline. The object of the game is to have a listener read off a strange, macabre, or just plain weird news story and have the hosts (and guests) choose whether the story originated from Germany or Florida. According to some listeners' best guesses, Adam is about 55% correct, and Dr. Drew is about 40%. Theme songs introducing the game have been created by guests and callers, most notably David Alan Grier's opera and beat-box renditions.  Carolla even brought the game with him when he guest hosted The Late Late Show in 2004 and on his short-lived Comedy Central show Too Late with Adam Carolla. Additionally, the game has been played on Carolla's morning show, The Adam Carolla Show.
Ace's Mexican Ranchero Accordion Countdown
After listening to endless hours of ranchero music during construction work, Adam discovered that nearly every song contained an accordion in the background. Adam decided he could make a game out of it, and thus, on the October 19, 2004 show, the game was born. The objective of "Ace's Mexican Ranchero Accordion Countdown" was to guess how many seconds it took until an accordion played in a ranchero song, which would be started from a random point. Usually played with a guest or occasionally a caller, the most common (and usually correct) answer was "immediately." 
Although not technically a game, it was a favorite show ender for Carolla much to the chagrin of Dr. Drew. It consisted of his imitation of the non-stop morning DJ ("slow 'n' go watch for brake lights, mattress in lane!", "7:29, 29 past the hour", "50,000 watt flamethrower!", "Van Nuys checkin' in at 63, Laguna Beach checkin' in at 63, Burbank checkin' in at a toasty 63...", "Let's check the time real fast!", "I'M A CRAZY MAN! I WILL DROP TROW!"), a vicious cowbell, and audio drops of thunderclaps.
General Caller Betting
Without talking to a caller for more than 15–20 seconds Dr. Drew and Carolla would put them on hold and place $1 bets on the caller's past. The theory being that they have fielded so many calls by so many people that they could hear the specific problem in the caller's voice and detect what events led to their present. Example:
- Caller: I'm just depressed all the time.
- Carolla: I can hear the little girl voice, Drew. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Drew: My wife has my wallet. I'm good for the dollar.
- Carolla: I'm going with...father, no, a weird Uncle touched her at the age of...9.
- Drew: I hear molestation too, but I'm going with kid-on-kid. This was someone she played with. Maybe a year or two younger.
- Carolla: Caller?
- Caller: My best friend in 3rd grade forced me to touch her repeatedly.
Getting the Timing Just Right
From 2000 to 2003, Adam and Drew would play around with the intro bumper from the song "I Disappear" by Metallica. The bumper has a long guitar riff and then a pause before the riff goes again. Adam would always try to fit something into that pause, like "It's Loveline with Adam and Dr. Drew" or "Loveline, fastest growing outlaw radio show in North America". Sometimes Drew would try it out too. The most famous example of this would have to be when Adam timed a fart perfectly.
How Much Does It Cost To Have Adam Visit A Caller's House
Men usually start higher than women unless she is unattractive or overweight. Then the initial price is established upon determination of a callers location.
Sex + Looks + Proximity = Base Price
Example Call: from October 26, 2003 Guest: Yellowcard
Girl calls in initially with a Germany or Florida question (as outlined above)
Adam: You're calling from Anaheim?
Adam: Oh that's cheap, it doesn't involve flight or a hotel or transportation
Drew: I hear the smoke's pretty heavy out there today though.
Adam: Oh, okay, alright, so now we're up to 1600 dollars because of the smoke. So what do you look like?
Caller: I've got dark blond hair, green eyes.
Adam: Dark blond? That, that's brown right? Green Eyes?
Adam: That's good, how much do you weigh?
Caller: Well okay, currently...
Adam: Hold on, hold on, you said well, okay, and currently. I'm gonna add $500 just for the currently and the hiccup there.
Caller: I just lost 30 pounds, and I'm still losing.
Adam: Mm-hmm, so whatcha at?
Caller: I'm at 180 now, I don't look 180 though!
Adam: Ok, so you look about 185,190?
Anderson sound drop: Chunky
Caller: No no, I don't look 180, because I work out too so I'm not all...
Adam: Okay, hold on, we gotta crunch some numbers here. We were at 1500, the smoke got us to 1600, then, uh, 180 we're at 2500 now, that's on the higher end of the in the neighborhood rate, um, the local rate. What else you got going for yourself, Natalie?
Caller: I'm a virgin.
Adam: Ahhh, I'm gonna go ahead and take $750 off this price for the hymen. It's an incentive. It's an incentive to the girls as much as it is a hygiene issue.
Drew: A hymen incentive, staying a virgin, yeah, gives them something to look forward to, the Carolla.
Adam: We're at 1750 now, Natalie. Do you live at home?
Caller: Yeah, umm, well, with my grandparents. They go to Vegas, like, every weekend.
Adam: Yeah, but it's the smell of the mothballs and seeing the knitted toaster cozy, a note that says I love my granddaughter. I got an erection, I walk into the kitchen, and I'm looking for beer, I don't know, that's gonna bump us back up to 2000.
Caller: (laughs) That's funny because we actually have mothballs in our closet, cause we've been having this problem with moths.
Adam: Uh, I'm sorry we're at 2200 now. Do you have your own transportation?
Caller: Ummm, I could get it.
Adam: Ohhh, we're back up to 2500. Do you cook, Natalie?
Caller: Yeah, plus I work in an office for a Driver's Ed class.
Adam: If you can get me some of those completion tickets, I could probably drop another 200 or so, you're looking like about the 2000-2200 range of course there's gas and meals and things like that, there's a state tax.
Whenever the Jimmy Eat World song "Bleed American" is played as the show returns from a commercial, Adam will get pumped up, describing how this is the song that he envisions playing on the jukebox as he walks into a bar or party. He describes the scene in detail, changing it up somewhat each time, but the constants are: he's wearing sunglasses, has a leather jacket slung over his shoulder, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, and boots "like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever." He goes on, saying that everyone turns, in slow motion, to face "the Ace Man." All the girls look at him and nod. Before Adam can go further, Drew will interrupt, saying "...and here is what the girls see," at which point a goofy, cartoonish tune begins to play.
On occasion, Adam would give those who guested on the show a plug at an inappropriate time. For example, on the February 23, 2003 show, Poppy Montgomery guested to promote her television show, Without a Trace. During that show a caller described how he had survived years of sexual abuse, being kicked out of his foster family of five years after they discovered his homosexuality, and a recent loss in contact with his brother. Adam interrupted the caller's story "Oh, by the way, Without a Trace, ten o'clock on CBS." Adam insisted that he had to get a plug in for the show. This would get a rise out of the guest, before Adam and Dr. Drew would go back to advising the caller.
Jack That Dork
On the February 8, 2004 show, when a caller states offhand that he can masturbate to climax in the time span of a commercial, Adam Carolla takes that as a challenge and says he can do it in 15 strokes. From there, the idea for a new game was born. First named "Name That Bone" by Dr. Drew, which was shot down and given the current title by Adam, the goal of "Jack That Dork" is to bet on how few strokes it can take for a contestant to masturbate to climax. The contestants are given a starting number, and the two contestants keep betting lower and lower until one of them is confident that the other cannot possibly do it, and says "Jack That Dork", forcing the opponent to attempt to masturbate to climax in that many or fewer strokes (back and forth is considered "one stroke").
There would be a pony wall about mid-chest high to obscure the actual act and any nudity from the audience. To aid in the task, the "jacker" is given their choice of porno, and a band would play "Flight of the Bumblebee" during the attempt.
Finally, the "Boner Round" is announced, where the task is made much tougher by taking away the sexually stimulating material and replacing it with pictures of the jacker's grandmother, "Schindler's List", or some other non-sexual visual stimulation, and then the game proceeds as normal. Adam describes the prize as a mid-class American car/SUV, like a Chevrolet Tahoe, as he notes that most automobile prizes on game shows are never really upper-echelon cars.
Dr. Drew suggested Jeff Probst as a possible host for "Jack That Dork".
Adam's Pet Peeves
There are a number of issues and pet peeves that Adam repeatedly visited on Loveline with various levels of hostility and humor.
Smoke Detector Adam can hear the low battery alarms of a smoke detector through the callers phone
Bakersfield The place Adam believes to be the worst place to live in California
Burbank, a city in California, so named due to its zealous enforcement of traffic laws. Adam once received a ticket there for jaywalking due to starting to cross a street when "don't walk" was flashing, even though he reached the other side before the traffic signal changed. The city is occasionally euphemistically referred to as "Rapebank."
Junior College or Community College Adam had a belief that not only is junior college a total waste of time for anyone other than Asian foreign exchange students but that he could smell junior college on his callers due to the foolishness of their questions. Adam once said that he understands if you're going to junior college to be a nurse or any other profession that's usually only taught at a junior college. He did not allow callers to refer to it as "community college." Often, at the utterance of "community college" he would quickly interject, "JUNIOR college — community college makes it O.K. [it's not O.K.]" He often joked that "Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays." He often calls it Junior Junior Junior Junior College. "I smell junior college on you..." Adam himself is a Los Angeles Valley College (a Junior College) dropout.
Working near metal Like junior college, Adam often predicted when male callers (or the abusive boyfriends/fathers of female callers) work with metal or in construction. Because he spent many years working construction, he often relays anecdotes about the people he worked with.
Cake versus Pie Adam has an extreme disdain for sheetcake (which he clearly implies should be referred to as "shitcake", in defiance of censorship) in particular and birthday cakes in general (particularly the ones given at office parties) and at times ended up screaming at the mic about the sheep-like devotion people had to cake. Often Adam referred to the possibility of getting tuberculosis from the blowing out of the candles.
Women Who Are Reluctant to Perform Oral Sex on Their Husbands/Boyfriends There was virtually no issue that would so immediately and comprehensively change Adam's mood for the worse. As soon as it became apparent that a female caller had such an antipathy, Adam would typically fire off something along the lines of, "I'm done talkin' to you, screwball!"
People who Describe Aircraft Carriers as "floating cities" Adam repeatedly insinuated that such assertions were as inaccurate as they were pretentious.
LA Traffic Particularly the amount of tickets given out by the Burbank police, or what Adam refers to as the Rapebank department and the overzealousness of the police in LA in general with regards to moving violations. Adam frequently complains that police are using traffic tickets as fundraisers. After receiving a ticket for failing to display a front license plate, Adam went on a tirade against police officers, especially bike cops, for citing people for "chicken-s" ("chickenshit" abbreviated for radio use) infractions, especially given what he perceived to be law enforcement's reluctance or inability to deal with more serious concerns such as terrorism. He railed at any police listeners, "Remember when you joined the academy, you thought you were going to be rappelling down buildings, and growing a Fu Manchu and going deep under cover. Now you're writing chicken-s tickets. Don't be that guy." In addition red left-hand turn signals, esp. Culver City, are held in disdain.
Cranberry Sauce Adam has repeatedly mentioned, often around Thanksgiving time, that canned cranberry sauce is completely unacceptable, imploring listeners to avoid slaving over a hot stove all day preparing the bulk of the Thanksgiving meal only to turn around and "reach for the can opener like a dog" when it came to the cranberry sauce. On November 24, 2004 he gave his cranberry sauce recipe on air. The recipe is as follows: Empty one 12 ounce sack of cranberries into a pot. Add one cup of water and a half cup of sugar. (While many recipes call for an entire cup of sugar, Adam has stated his preference for a "tart" cranberry sauce as opposed to one that is overly sweet.) Additional sugar may be added according to taste. Boil for five to ten minutes.
Chef Boyardee Adam has mentioned several times that he absolutely hates all of the Chef Boyardee products, with a passion. He has said that if you are over the age of eight and you eat Chef Boyardee, then he will label you as someone that he can not speak to. According to Adam, you just have to be an idiot to eat Chef Boyardee.
The Nectar of the 'Tards Adam has mentioned several times that he considers Mountain Dew to be "The Nectar of the 'Tards" and anyone who drinks it is probably destined for junior college. He has also, on several occasions, suggested adding a sterility agent to the drink, but in such a small amount that it would only affect those who drink it frequently. He has also, frequently, invoked similar sentiments in regard to SunnyD, and deplores people who prefer that beverage to orange juice.
Sometimes Adam would go quiet, or turn up late, in which case Engineer Anderson would play radio drops of Adam. This was referred to as "Cyber Adam" often with Drew saying "And Cyber Adam" is in the studio tonight! The Cyber Adam quotes are as follows: "That's why I make the Big Bucks!" "That's why you make the Big Bucks!" "Good times!" "What ya gonna do?" "It takes all kinds" "He's a big boy!"
Adam and Drew have noticed that a surprisingly large number of callers have smoke detectors nearby with low batteries. They can be detected based on the fact that smoke detectors emit frequent chirps to alert their users that they need new batteries. The callers are usually totally unaware of the chirps, despite the fact that they occur every minute on a 30 to 50 second interval.
As Adam explains, the sound would be sufficient to drive an iguana or a houseplant insane; however, Loveline's callers, due to their unique unawareness of reality, have no idea what's being discussed when the hosts fixate on their background noise. Adam and Drew encourage the callers to locate the smoke detector and hold the phone up to it, and occasionally one of the callers acknowledges that there is an electronic device on their ceiling that is chirping frequently. Invariably, however, they are totally unfazed by the frequent beeps, even when they admit that they have been hearing it for the last several months.
- Loveline 09/11/2002 - First Caller
- December 14 show
- December 14 show
- Loveline 06/15/2011
- Loveline 10/19/2003
- Loveline 10/19/2004
- Loveline 02/23/2003 - Third Caller
- Loveline 11/24/2004