List of The Colbert Report episodes (2011)

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This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2011.

Archived episodes[edit]

2011[edit]

January[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
814 "N/A" Ed Rendell "This year I will not break my New Year's Resolution. G'OH! My resolution was to break my New Year's Resolution!" January 3 7001
Stephen believes he lives in a nation of wusses due to a postponed football game, and explores the Spiderman musical.
815 "N/A" Ron Paul, David Leonhardt, Geoffrey Canada "Greece is building a borderwall. Man, those Mexicans are persistent!" January 4 7002
Stephen has a message for America's new Indian overlords in light of Obama's endorsement of the U.N. declaration on the rights of indigenous peoples. He also addresses the value of gold.
816 "N/A" Atul Gawande "John Boehner is the new Speaker of the House. Either that or the mahogany podium has learned to talk." January 5 7003
NewSouth Books needs to do more with its censorship of Huckleberry Finn, and Stephen talks about Reince Priebus.
817 "N/A" Neil deGrasse Tyson, Ronald A. DePinho N/A January 6 7004

Gullible bowel syndrome is treated by a placebo, scientists can cure mouse infertility, and a wild lynx increases the walking speeds of elderly patients.

Notable moment - Stephen tries to tape his face and cannot properly handle the tape.

Quotes

  • "I just wanna give a big shout-out to one of our sponsors: Arby's. If I was about to be killed, I would eat it. After I'm dead, I'd like to be sliced paper-thin and served with horsey sauce!"
  • "Finally a cure for mouse infertility! The species is saved!"
  • "Oh wow, it has a creamy center. So, Hostess makes our DNA."
818 "N/A" Fen Montaigne "The south has been crippled by a winter storm - or as they call it, the weather of northern aggression." January 10 7005

Mike Fitzpatrick and Pete Sessions miss their swearing into office, but swear in through television, and a difference-maker is interviewed regarding aliens coming to Earth.

"Lad Liberty" appears in introduction sequence.
819 "N/A" Dan Auerbach, Patrick Carney, Ezra Koenig, Chris Hughes "Myspace slashes its staff in half. Wow! They fired both people?" January 11 7006

Colbert picks his winners for the 2011 Grammy Awards and Chris Hughes talks about his life since the Obama campaign.

Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend and the Black Keys make a special appearance in the first segment and compete for Colbert's Grammy vote by listing commercials their songs appear in.
820 "Life, Liberty
and the Pursuit
of Angriness"
Bernard-Henri Lévy N/A January 12 7007
50 cent makes $8 million on Twitter while Bernard-Henri Levy discusses public intellectualism. Stephen indicates that he believes Americans think of public intellectualizing in the same way as public urination. First usage of "The Wørd" in 2011.
821 "N/A" Kevin Spacey N/A January 13 7008
In his segment "Thought For Food", a red alert is brought to surface regarding the shrinking of 7/11's "Super Big Gulp". Meanwhile, a Doritos ad angers Catholics, Pepsi has made fruit drinkable, and Obama moves Colbert by "doing a great job" speaking at a memorial in Tucson. Actor Kevin Spacey talks about Jack Abramoff, whom Stephen considers a patriot.
822 "Run for Your Life" Wade Hampton[disambiguation needed], Sherry Turkle "Starbucks introduced the new 31 ounce 'trenta', which I believe is Italian for 'kidney failure'." January 17 7009
Sears offers 50% off mattresses for Martin Luther King Day, and Kmart offers free shipping. Gun control is explored, and Sherry Turkle talks about how technology is alienating.
823 "Disintegration" Cornel West "Dick Cheney may need a new heart. I say we waterboard the Wizard of Oz." January 18 7010
824 "N/A" Ron Reagan, Jr. "Joe Lieberman announced he won't run for reelection. In a related story, Steven Seagal removed himself from Oscar contention." January 19 7011
825 "N/A" Christine Todd Whitman, Chris Matthews N/A January 20 7012
826 "Coverage of Denial" Charlie Rose "A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago. Which, in Chicago, I believe means he won." January 24 7013
827 "N/A" Amy Chua "The state of our union is strong, though I think it may be juicing." January 25 7014
828 "N/A" Michael Waldman, Christine Yvette Lewis N/A January 26 7015
829 "N/A" Daryl Bem, Brian Greene "New York is set to break the record of its snowiest month. Also, its yellow-snowiest month." January 27 7016
830 "N/A" Samer Shehata, Paul Offit "The Malawi government is making farting illegal. But I say, he who suppressed it, expressed it." January 31 7017
Kim Jong-un's furry hat, Egyptian protests, wildlife taser, anti-vaccine movement

February[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
831 "N/A" Leslie Dach, Michael Lewis N/A February 1 7018
Egyptian protests, the gut brain, Wyngz, Michelle Obama's veggiehad, The Big Short
832 "N/A" Sean Kelly "For the first time ever, there won't be any cheerleaders at the Super Bowl. What will we watch between concussions?" February 2 7019
Bing copying Google, Hosni Mubarak supporters punching Anderson Cooper, Christiane Aman-Purr, Henry Cavill as Superman, Big Flats beer, All Things Shining.
833 "N/A" Jane McGonigal "I just hit 2 million followers on Twitter, which I believe means Ashton Kutcher has to give me Demi Moore for one night." February 3 7020
Crisis in Egypt, Bill O'Reilly wonders about the tides, $200 outdoor Super Bowl tickets, Black History Month, Ohio governor John Kasich's all-white cabinet, playing games is productive.
834 "N/A" LCD Soundsystem "Arcade Fire won the Grammy for best album yet I set an arcade on fire and all I get is five years for arson." February 14 7021
835 "N/A" Christiane Amanpour, David Albright "Watson the Computer is on Jeopardy this week. Meanwhile, my Speak & Spell keeps beating me at Wheel of Fortune." February 15 7022
836 "N/A" Eric Foner "The Census says Chicago has shrunk by 200,000 people and yet the voter rolls have grown by a million." February 16 7023
837 "N/A" Jeffrey Leonard N/A February 17 7024
838 "N/A" Eugene Jarecki N/A February 21 7025
839 "N/A" Randi Weingarten, Jon Erpenbach, Bing West "I'm a man of very few words. This..." February 22 7026
840 "N/A" Stephanie Coontz "There's a Mad Man cookbook. I can't wait to taste chicken a la cigarette." February 23 7027
841 "N/A" Glenn Greenwald, Mike Huckabee N/A February 24 7028
842 "N/A" Michael Scheuer "The King's Speech: Best Picture? They didn't even cure him - at the end, he still had that debilitating English accent." February 28 7029

March[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
843 "No Country for Old Men" Evan Osnos March 1 7030
844 "Economic Boom" Harry Connick Jr. "Federal authorities declare the Eastern Cougar extinct. Have they checked the appletini night at Hotel Gansevoort?" March 2 7031
845 "N/A" Mark W. Moffett N/A March 3 7032
Features an eleven-minute segment promoting Jimmy Fallon's new ice cream flavor. Guest appearances during the segment include Fallon, Jon Stewart, Ben Cohen, & Jerry Greenfield.
846 "N/A" Joshua Foer "Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag." March 7 7033
847 "N/A" Dale Bryk, Dan Sinker N/A March 8 7034
848 "N/A" Anthony Weiner, David Brooks "It's time for me to tell you about the birds and the bees: pesticide works on both of them." March 9 7035
849 "N/A" Reza Aslan "Rio's Carnivale festival has ended and Rio's 'go to the doctor to see what I just contracted' festival has just begun." March 10 7036
850 "N/A" Simon de Pury, Steve Martin "Barry Bonds' perjury trial starts today or, as Barry Bonds puts it, no it didn't." March 21 7037
851 "N/A" Ayman Mohyeldin "Fidel Castro now says he resigned five years ago, but his beard is still in power." March 22 7038
852 "Over-Reactor" Nathan Myhrvold N/A March 23 7039
853 "N/A" Laurie Garrett, Jody Williams "Elizabeth Taylor has passed away. I guess I should return this to the jeweler." March 24 7040
854 "N/A" Michael Moore "The inventor of superglue has died. I assume he finally fell off that girder." March 28 7041
855 "N/A" Stephen Prothero, Dr. Anthony Fauci "The Bronx Zoo is still missing its Egyptian Cobra. Airports, be on the lookout for a very skinny man in a trenchcoat buying a one-way ticket to Cairo." March 29 7042
856 "N/A" Trevor Potter, Tim Shriver N/A March 30 7043
857 "N/A" Piers Gibbon "It's baseball's opening day - better luck next year, Mets." March 31 7044

April[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
858 "That New-Smell Smell" Andrew Chaikin N/A April 4 7045
859 "N/A" James Franco N/A April 5 7046
860 "N/A" Hugo Vickers, Sir David Tang N/A April 6 7047
861 "N/A" Hugo Vickers, Jeff Greenfield "America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. Great, I suppose China is beating us at that now too." April 7 7048
862 "N/A" Adam Savage & Jamie Hyneman N/A April 11 7049
863 "N/A" Rick Brookhiser, Ray Kurzweil "Iceland's penis museum got its first human specimen and its owner wants to point out it's extremely cold up there." April 12 7050
864 "Buy and Cellulite" Morgan Spurlock N/A April 13 7051
865 "N/A" Trevor Potter, Caroline Kennedy N/A April 14 7052
866 "N/A" Ron Paul N/A April 25 7053
867 "N/A" A.C. Grayling "Social Security checks are going paperless - because if there's one thing seniors are good at, it's online banking." April 26 7054
868 "N/A" Ice-T "Fatah and Hamas have signed a unity pact: they've agreed to hate the Jews together." April 27 7055
869 "N/A" Russ Feingold, Wade Graham "Put another shrimp on the barbie - I'm in England." April 28 7056

May[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
870 "N/A" Richard Haass, Francis Fukuyama "Seth Meyers did a great job at the Correspondents Dinner, but I gotta say this weekend Barack Obama really killed." May 2 7057
871 "N/A" Rex Ryan "Scott Pelley has been named the new CBS Evening News anchor. Personally, I don't think he has the gams for it." May 3 7058
872 "N/A" Amy Farrell "The first Republican debate is tomorrow night. Good seats still available...on stage." May 4 7059
873 "N/A" Bill James N/A May 5 7060
874 "Autocratic for the People" Lupe Fiasco "Animal Kingdom wins the Kentucky Derby. Don't worry plants: you'll get 'em next year." May 9 7061
875 "N/A" Geoffrey Rush N/A May 10 7062
876 "N/A" Trevor Potter, Eric Greitens "They got Bin Laden's hand-written diary. Apparently, he thought America was totally stuck-up." May 11 7063
877 "N/A" Lawrence Wright, John Bradshaw "Sarah Palin claims she knows all the lyrics to Rapper's Delight. Alaska karaoke bars, you've been warned." May 12 7064
878 "N/A" Alison Klayman N/A May 16 7065
879 "Enhanced Rejustification" Amy Kremer "CNN anchor Don Lemon has come out as gay...but can he find the courage to tell his family he's on CNN?" May 17 7066
880 "N/A" Austan Goolsbee "Starbucks is being sued for firing a dwarf...or as Starbucks calls him, a tall." May 18 7067
881 "N/A" John Lithgow, Aaron Schock, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar N/A May 19 7068
882 "N/A" Trevor Potter, James B. Stewart "I just spent seven days on a boat with no showers. I'm not sure if this is a beard or barnacles." May 31 7069

June[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
883 "N/A" Robert Kennedy Jr "I got rid of my beard and let's just say the lack of carpet matches the lack of drapes." June 1 7070
884 "N/A" Salman Khan "Mitt Romney has announced that he is running for president in 2012 and, to save time, he's announced he'll be running again in 2016." June 2 7071
885 "N/A" Werner Herzog N/A June 6 7072
886 "Hear No Evil" Sugar Ray Leonard N/A June 7 7073
887 "N/A" John Garamendi, Bre Pettis N/A June 8 7074
888 "The Business End" Tom Ridge N/A June 9 7075
889 "N/A" Henry Kissinger N/A June 13 7076
890 "N/A" Janny Scott "Spider-Man the Musical finally reopens just in time to save New York's struggling hospitals." June 14 7077
891 "Shock the Vote" Keith Olbermann "A 99-year old Oregon man just graduated from college. Ouch. Terrible time to enter the job market." June 15 7078
892 "N/A" Bon Iver "Eight percent of U.S. kids have food allergies. Luckily, very little of what they eat is technically food." June 20 7079
Summer Concert Series, Night One
893 "N/A" Jack White, Florence & the Machine N/A June 21 7080
Summer Concert Series, Night Two
894 "The Defining Moment" Jack White, Talib Kwali N/A June 22 7081
Summer Concert Series, Night Three
895 "N/A" Jack White & The Black Belles N/A June 23 7082
Summer Concert Series, Night Four. Stephen gives the debut performance of his new single: "Charlene II (I'm Over You)".
896 "N/A" Grover Norquist "The Supreme Court ruled it's legal to sell violent video games to kids. Get ready for Grand Theft Tetris." June 27 7083
897 "Too Big to Nail" Alexandra Pelosi "The Pope wrote his first tweet today; he is truly the vessel in which God wastes time." June 28 7084
898 "N/A" Trevor Potter, Gary Sinise "Every time God closes a door, he opens a window. Clearly, he's not the one paying for air conditioning." June 29 7085
899 "N/A" Timothy Garton Ash "A French couple has adopted a 265-pound gorilla. And in tomorrow's news: a French couple is mauled by a newly-orphaned gorilla." June 30 7086

July[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
900 "N/A" Hans Beinholtz, Michael Shermer "A new study has found that men like to cuddle, and another new study shows that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed." July 11 7087
901 "N/A" Dan Savage N/A July 12 7088
Stephen calls on his building manager, Tad, to be his "heterosexual accountability buddy" during his interview with Dan Savage.
902 "N/A" Naftali Bendavid, David McCullough "A six-year-old beauty queen has retired. I'm not surprised: she was starting to get crow's dimples." July 13 7089
903 "N/A" Jose Antonio Vargas "Who's got two thumbs and is incredibly bad at gesturing at himself?" July 14 7090
904 "N/A" Sean Parnell, Sheila Krumholz, John Prendergast "Congratulation to the Japanese women's soccer team for rescuing America from the brink of caring about soccer." July 18 7091
905 "N/A" David Carr N/A July 19 7092
906 "N/A" Michael Sandel N/A July 20 7093
907 "N/A" David Eagleman "You say potato, I say: who are you and why are you saying potato to me?" July 21 7094
908 "N/A" Brian Cox N/A July 25 7095
909 "N/A" Peter Edelman, Brooke Gladstone "NASA has found volcanoes on the dark side of the Moon, and they erupt in sync with The Wizard of Oz." July 26 7096
910 "N/A" Mary "Missy" Cummings N/A July 27 7097
911 "N/A" Matthew Dowd, Buddy Roemer N/A July 28 7098

August[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
912 "With Great Power Comes No Responsibility" Tony Hsieh "A new study says colon cleansing can be risky, but I think they just pulled that finding out of their ass." August 1 7099
913 "N/A" David Leonhardt, Al Hunt "A woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop: the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops." August 2 7100
914 "N/A" Robert Wittman "God said 'Thou shalt have no gods before me', so don't spoil your appetite with Vishnu-poppers." August 3 7101
915 "N/A" Anthony Bourdain "Cargill has recalled 36 million pounds of tainted ground turkey. Personally, I don't know why anyone would buy ground turkey taint." August 4 7102
916 "N/A" Nassir Ghaemi N/A August 8 7103
917 "Head in the Cloud" The Cars "Captain Morgan's ship has been found. If it's anything like the drink, it doesn't know what happened to it either." August 9 7104
918 "N/A" Jim Martin, Elliott Ackerman "Chad Ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. Wow...those NFL contract negotiations did not go well." August 10 7105
919 "N/A" Gloria Steinem N/A August 11 7106
920 "N/A" Ambassador Susan Rice N/A August 15 7107
921 "N/A" Frank Luntz, STS-135 Astronauts N/A August 16 7108
922 "N/A" Jeff Bridges "152 people set the world record for biggest group shower. Afterwards, they set another record for the longest awkward silence." August 17 7109
923 "N/A" Kevin Mitnick "It's my last broadcast for two weeks, but I promise to give you one last great show before I go. This!...just roll it." August 18 7110

September[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
924 "Happy Endings" Tim Pawlenty N/A September 6 7111
925 "N/A" Robin Wright "Texas A&M is joining the SEC. This concludes today's installment of initials I don't understand." September 7 7112
926 "N/A" Tom Brokaw N/A September 8 7113
927 "N/A" Diane Sawyer N/A September 12 7114
Tim Pawlenty endorsing Mitt Romney, Twitter and journalism, 9/11 memorabilia, Jacqueline Kennedy in Her Own Words.
928 "N/A" Paul Krugman, Al Gore "Anderson Cooper's daytime talk show started. Either that, or he's reporting from the disaster area known as daytime TV." September 13 7115
GOP presidential debates, American Jobs Act, Ron Paul presidential campaign, 2012, Climate Reality Project
929 "N/A" Phil Rubio, Michael Moore N/A September 14 7116
American Jobs Act, United States Postal Service debts, There's Always Work at the Post Office, HPV vaccinations, Here Comes Trouble
930 "N/A" Jimmy Fallon, David Copperfield "The proof is in the pudding, but good luck finding where I hid the pudding." September 15 7117
UBS lost $2 billion from rogue trades, Congressman (R-TX) Louie Gohmert's jobs act, eternal enemies for 6 months with Jimmy Fallon, Anderson Cooper wants to be best friends with Stephen, Federal Emergency Management Agency's Waffle House Index, Brainworks
931 "Death and Taxes" Jeffrey Kluger N/A September 20 7118
932 "N/A" Chrystia Freeland, Daniel Yergin "The Federal Reserve wants to stimulate the economy. Well, then Ben Bernanke's gonna have to show a little leg." September 21 7119
933 "N/A" Jeremy Ben-Ami N/A September 22 7120
935 "I Think, Therefore I Brand" Radiohead "Prepare yourselves, Radiohead. You're about to meet Televisionface." September 26 7121
First ever hour-length episode of The Colbert Report.
936 "N/A" Melinda Gates N/A September 27 7123
937 "Labor Chains" Ken Burns "Amazon unveiled its new iPad competitor, the Kindle Fire. I'm gonna use mine to order the new iPhone." September 28 7124
938 Mark Cuban September 29 7125

October[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
939 Jerome Groopman October 3 8001
940 John Lithgow "NBC has cancelled The Playboy Club. Apparently, people just watched it for the articles." October 4 8002
941 Black Star "The Nobel Committee has awarded-I can't believe they didn't last! If they don't make it, nobody can!" October 5 8003
942 Jason Amerine "A scientific panel recommended against prostate testing, but my prostate was up all night cramming." October 6 8004
943 "Look Out for the Little Guy" Harry Belafonte October 17 8005
944 Steven Pinker October 18 8006
945 Ali Soufan " The world population will hit 7 billion people by Halloween, so you may want to buy an extra back of Snickers." October 19 8007
946 Coldplay "Antidepressant use is up since 1988. Someone should do something about that, but God, it just seems so impossible." October 20 8008
947 Jon Huntsman, Jr. October 24 8009
948 Susan Saladoff "Gaddafi will be buried in a secret location that no one can find. Maybe that's where he should've hidden". October 25 8010
949 Taylor Branch "It's the tenth anniversary of the Patriot Act, but what do you get for the government that knows everything?" October 26 8011
950 Toby Keith "A Californian doctor was caught selling painkillers out of a Starbucks. Hey, everyone else in Starbucks, now you've finally got a great idea for that screenplay." October 27 8012
951 Neil MacGregor October 31 8013

November[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
952 Yo-Yo Ma "A new study found that happy people live 35% longer. Yeah, but unhappy people's lives seem longer." November 1 8014
953 "Bite The Hand That Feeds You" Michael Pollan "Bank of America will drop its five dollar debit card fee. Of course, this comes with a six dollar fee removal fee." November 2 8015
954 Nathan Wolfe A new report says that New York City has shrunk by more than 2 square miles. Hey, come on, it's cold outside!" November 3 8016
955 Niall Ferguson November 7 8017
956 Seth Meyers November 8 8018
957 "Bully Pulpit" Father James Martin "Italian debt threatens to swamp the Eurozone. I knew they shouldn't have offered unlimited breadsticks!" November 9 8019
958 Brian Eno November 10 8020
959 Thomas Thwaites "The new Italian Prime Minister has passed new austerity measures. He's going to cut back to one bunga." November 14 8021
960 Elijah Wood November 15 8022
961 Chris Matthews "North Korea is opening to tourists. You'll come for the kimchee, you'll stay because you can't leave." November 16 8023
962 "The 1%" Susan Orlean "In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm doing the whole show with my pants unbuttoned." November 17 8024
963 Siddhartha Mukherjee "A recent study claims women think about sex ten times a day. But I don't buy it; my show is only on four times a day." November 28 8025
964 Tinariwen "Stalin's daughter is dead at the age of 85. Your move, Cindy Hitler." November 29 8026
965 Stephen Sondheim November 30 8027

December[edit]

Episode # "The Wørd" Guest Introductory phrase Original air date Production
Code
966 Richard Branson December 1 8028
967 Jimmie Johnson December 5 8029
968 The Black Keys December 6 8030
969 David Hallberg December 7 8031
970 Jack Abramoff Vladimir Putin has accused Hillary Clinton of instigating protests in Russia. Why don't they just do it already? December 8 8032
971 Samuel L. Jackson "Newt Gingrich says he is against gay marriage. That explains why it's the only type of marriage he hasn't tried yet." December 12 8033
972 "Let Them Buy Cake" Mark Whitaker "An Italian woman left $13 million to her cat. Well... hello!" December 13 8034
973 General Raymond T. Odierno December 14 8035
974 Daniel Craig December 15 8036

External links[edit]

References[edit]