Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
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| Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus | |
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| Author(s) | John Gray |
| Country | US |
| Language | English |
| Genre(s) | Nonfiction |
| Publisher | HarperCollins |
| Publication date | April 1, 1992 |
| Media type | Hardcover |
| Pages | 286 |
| ISBN | 978-0‐06‐016848‐3 |
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a book written by American author, and relationship counselor, John Gray. The book has sold more than 7 million copies and according to CNN it was the "highest ranked work of nonfiction" of the 1990s[1] and spent 121 weeks on the bestseller list. The book and its central metaphor have become a part of popular culture and the foundation for the author's subsequent books, recordings, seminars, theme vacations, one-man Broadway show and TV sitcom.
Most of common relationship problems between men and women are a result of fundamental differences between the genders, which the author exemplifies by means of the book's eponymous metaphor: that men and women are from distinct planets, – men from Mars and women from Venus – and that each gender is acclimated to its own planet's society and customs, but not those of the other. One example from this paradigm is the book's assertion that men complain that if they try to offer solutions to problems that women want to talk about, women do not necessarily want to find solutions but only want to talk about these problems. The book asserts that each gender can be understood in terms of distinct ways they respond to stress and stressful situations.
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[edit] Content
Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. He says that men tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) for what they think are Big Acts, while women give each act of love one point at a time. According to Gray, women tend to keep a Points System that few men are aware of. Gray writes that men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment develops. He states that this is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.
According to Gray, women and men are often surprised to find that their partner "keeps score' at all, and that their scoring methods are different.[citation needed] The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the woman has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly. Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do anything else. They assume the woman will be satisfied with it. To the woman, she would rather have many Little Acts on a regular basis. The reason is that women like to think their man is thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.
Another major idea in Gray's books are the differences he believes operate in terms of the way the genders react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave". In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. In these "caves", men (writes Gray) are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand; many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not solve the problem). This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between women and men.
The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. When they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give. Men, advised Gray, must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way.
[edit] Reception
The book has sold more than 7 million copies and according to a 1997 report by the book's publisher, HarperCollins, it is the all time, best-selling hardcover nonfiction book.[citation needed]
The book has become a “popular paradigm” for problems in relationships based on the different tendencies in each gender and has spawned infomercials, audiotapes and videotapes, weekend seminars, theme vacations, a one-man Broadway show, a TV sitcom plus a proposed movie topic with 20th Century Fox.[2][3][4] The book has recently been turned into a successful stage show in France, where it has been running for six years in Paris. There is currently an English version on tour of the U.K.[5]
The book has also been criticized for placing human psychology into stereotypes.[6][7][8][9][10] In 2002, author Julia T. Wood published a critical response to the portrayal of the genders in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.[11] In 2004 a Purdue University communications professor said that based on research she conducted using questionnaires and interviews, men and women are not so different and "books like John Gray's Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus and Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand tell men that being masculine means dismissing feelings and downplaying problems. That isn't what most men do, and it isn't good for either men or women."[12]
[edit] See also
- Essentialism
- Relationship counseling
- Sex and psychology
- The Myth Of Mars And Venus: Do Men and Women Really Speak Different Languages?
[edit] References
- ^ "Talk show hosts give books a boost". CNN. March 3, 1999. http://articles.cnn.com/1999-12-31/entertainment/1990.sellers_1_book-sales-cumulative-sales-copies?_s=PM:books.
- ^ Time magazine Tower of Psychobabble, Elizabeth Gleick, June 16, 1997, Retrieved July 2011
- ^ The chronology of American literature: America's literary achievements , By Daniel S. Burt, page 696, New England Publishing Associates 2004,
- ^ NY Times, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus Retrieved July 2011
- ^ http://www.marsandvenustour.com/page2.htm
- ^ Murphy, Lauren (February 14, 2002). "Mars and Venus at work; Critics aim to bring Gray back down to Earth". Washington Times. http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-83549879.html. Retrieved October 17, 2008.
- ^ "Can't Understand Your Mate? It's Time To Align Your Planets". Palm Beach Post. November 1, 1998. http://nl.newsbank.com/nl-search/we/Archives?p_product=PBPB&p_theme=pbpb&p_action=search&p_maxdocs=200&p_topdoc=1&p_text_direct-0=0EAF4079E9C4612F&p_field_direct-0=document_id&p_perpage=10&p_sort=YMD_date:D&s_trackval=GooglePM. Retrieved October 17, 2008.
- ^ "John Gray Fires Back at Critic Who Questioned His Credentials". Inside Edition. November 20, 2003.
- ^ "Writer's Education from Mars". New York Post. November 13, 2003.
- ^ Premier Speakers web site
- ^ Wood, Julia T. (2002). "A Critical Response to John Gray's Mars and Venus Portrayals of Men and Women". Southern Communication Journal 67 (2): 201–210.
- ^ Purdue study shows men, women share same planet Erina MacGeorge, Purdue News, February 17, 2004
