Passion Paradox
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Passion Paradox is a theory about romantic relationships created by Dean Delis in his book "Passion Paradox: Patterns of Love and Power in Intimate Relationship." The term "passion paradox" was coined by his co-author Cassandra Phillips. According to Delis, one partner is more in love – or emotionally invested in the relationship – than the other. The more love the loving partner wants from the other, the less the other feels like giving.
The 'more-in-love' partner is in the one-down position, whilst the 'less-in-love' partner occupies the one-up position. Men and women can occupy both positions at various times.
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[edit] The Relationship Balance
"The author affirms that virtually everyone experiences love’s two sides in the same way (pleasure and pain). It does not matter whether your past experiences moulded you to be a particular person – no one, even the emotionally healthy person, is exempted from the pain of love when it tips out of balance. In this context, love relationships would produce a paradox: ‘one-downs’ try harder as they feel insecure and want to get back in control. They attempt to enhance their attraction power. The goal of such effort is to gain emotional control over the relationship as to avoid the nightmare of rejection (that means winning his or her love). But the catch is: if you prove too appealing to the one you want – to the point where the other person is clearly more in love with you – the relationship will fall out of balance.
When such event occurs, you have become the ‘one-up’ or, if you are frightened by your partner’s distance, you have become the ‘one-down’. It would seem that the very urge to attract someone, to bring another person under emotional control, contains the potential for upsetting the balance of the relationship. This is because the feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control. Once you feel completely in control or sure of another person’s love, your feelings of passion begin to fade: vanishing the challenge or excitement of the relationship."[1]
Dr Dean C. Delis in his book "The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going?" states
| “ | It's the Catch-22 of romantic relationships: The more deeply one partner falls in love, the more distant the other becomes. This is the passion trap, an emotional dynamic that results in increasing desire and desperation in the 'one down' lover, and dissatisfaction, often mingled with guilt and withdrawal, in the 'one up' ". | ” |
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—Dr Dean Delis |
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[edit] Details
| “ | The very urge to attract someone, to bring another person under your emotional control, contains the potential for upsetting the balance of the relationship. And that is because the feeling of being in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of control.
Once you feel completely in control or sure of another person's love, your feelings of passion begin to fade. Gone is the challenge, the emotional spark, the excitement. Of course, we all know that the dizzy, delicious feelings of new love can't last forever. In a balanced relationship, after the initial passion fades, the partners move into a phase of enduring intimacy and warmth. But when one partner falls more deeply in love than the other, it can trigger harmful patterns between them. Such was the case with Liz and Nate. As Liz's initial awe of him faded, she began to pursue other interests rather than center her life around him. So Nate began to feel his security in the relationship slip away. And that made him feel less in control of and more in love with Liz. His very loving ways were attempts to win her love and to free himself from rejection anxiety . But his "hypercourtship behaviour" backfired by making Liz feel even more in control of the relationship, less excited by it, and eventually less loving toward him. However, if your lover is more successful at winning your love than you are at winning his, as Doug was, you'll feel more insecure and more in love. Then you'll strive for closeness and control. But that will cause the one-up emotionally (to) back away from the relationship. And this reaction increases the one-down's insecurity and need for closeness and the one-up's security and feelings of discontent. As Liz's predicament showed, passion trap dynamics can crop up anytime in the relationship. They may abort a new romance or hobble a long-term relationship. They may be caused by various sources of imbalance: attraction power, situational factors, gender role-playing, or personality-style incompatibilities. |
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—Dr Dean Delis |
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[edit] Research
"The passion paradox is one of the most familiar experiences in working with couples. One person wants more sex, more time talking, and more commitment than the other. A study of male-female relationships done at Yale University found that in 19% of relationships both partners were "equally involved" in the relationship in general.
In 36% of partnerships the woman was "less involved" and in 45% of partnerships the man was "less involved". This imbalance is partially due to a personality difference between people who enjoy connecting and people who enjoy being separate. The research shows that there are slightly more men who enjoy being more separate, but the difference is not huge. Whichever way the paradox runs, the result is often quite painful for both partners."[2]
[edit] References
1Gondim, P (2006) Inside Love. AIPC Article Library.
2NLP Weekly. Creating Life Long Relationships. NLP Weekly Magazine Website.
3The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going? by Dean C. Delis, PhD.
The paradox of relationships has also been researched by existential psychotherapists together with the other paradoxes of life. See for instance: Emmy van Deurzen, (1998) Paradox and Passion, Chichester: Wiley.
