Talk:Kira Yamato/GA1

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GA Review[edit]

Article (edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: DragonZero (talk · contribs) 01:32, 11 May 2014 (UTC)

Issues must be resolved for a pass, suggestions can be ignored. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 04:05, 11 May 2014 (UTC)

Issues
  • "Born as a Coordinator, Kira" Unless something changes, he's still a coordinator. It was also already mentioned beforehand
  • "Kira has also been featured in Gundam SEED's direct sequel Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Destiny, in which he fights to stop a new war between the races' military organizations occurring." I believe MSGSD should be encased in commas. A word is missing between organizations and occurring?
  • "a mobile suit GAT-X105 Strike" The noun shouldn't be directly followed up with the name since it sounds awkward. "He is given a sword Excalibur" which should be "He is given a sword called Excalibur" or "He is given a sword, the Excalibur, blah blah" or something like that.
  • "—which is attacking Heliopolis." You can probably remove this part since it was told beforehand
  • "Missing in action" Is M supposed to be capital?
  • "Kira ZAFT's new mobile suit ZGMF-X10A Freedom" Same as Strike
  • Super Coordinator? Bandai Namco subs and the localized English broadcast used ultimate as far as I remember.
  • As for the original Japanese, where did Super come from? I believe they pronounce it as Saiko Coordinator (Perfect). I'm not an expert on the topic so I'll leave that to you.
  • "past two years since the end of the war" Already stated in the previous sentence.
  • "Kira pilots Freedom to defeat him." Them?
  • Orb wasn't introduced
  • "he fights the soldiers who refuse to believe the identity of Orb's leader, Cagalli" Highly confusing for general readers
  • Consider this. It's from memory so there may be errors. "When Orb attempts to join the war as a member of the Earth Alliance, Kira and the Arcangel intervene Orb's forces to preserve the nation's neutral status"
  • PLANT not introduced but used multiple times
  • PLANT is still undefined in the article though. A general reader would not know this is where most coordinators reside and is Zaft's homebase; plus the fact it is an acronym so readers would not assume it is a country of sorts.
  • "control people's jobs according to their genetics" Should probably expand on the explanation for the Destiny Plan. Is jobs the correct word here? Job placements don't seem like the right motivations to start a war.
*Try something like this "Having obtained a weapon of mass destruction, Durandal imposes the Destiny Plan, a rule which removes freewill and dictates a person's entire life based on their genetics."
  • "but that later it was not from any of the main characters' viewpoints." ?
  • "Kira's personality and common sense were derived from what Fukuda considered to be Japanese thoughts." Is common sense the words the director uses? If not, I believe you mean thought process. Clarify Japanese thoughts? Japanese people, Japan, etc
  • "Kira's development was easier to foresee" Easier to foresee, meaning easier to script? Is this how it fits under the conception section?
  • "Nevertheless, as with Shinn's future role in Gundam SEED Destiny, Kira went through a notable change during Gundam SEED." Looks more like an observation that doesn't belong in conception
  • "The staff of the series joked about Kira's personality; script writer Yuichi Nomura said that during Gundam SEED Destiny, he was going to be highly observed and controlled by Lacus." Un-notable joke?
  • "In an online poll from 2012" Is this another sunrise poll?
  • Ref 52 dead?
  • Ref 70 is dead
  • Ref 70 (Yahoo) was moved down to 69
  • "triggers anotber war,"
  • I believe you mean another, not anotber.
  • "a Ultimate Coordinator" "the Ultimate Coodinator" Need to decide if UC is a part of a group (an) or a singular status (the)
  • "but his motives are questioned by ZAFT." Durandal or Kira?
  • "ZAFT ship Minerva" Same as Strike or Freedom introduction
  • "Kira personally confronts Durandal, who is killed by one of his own subordinates." Might want to reword for clarity. Here, either Kira or Durandal has been killed by their own subordinate
Suggestions
  • Fix all cap ref titles
  • Ref 50 redirects link
  • Ref 72 redirects link
  • Ref 74 redirects link
Thanks for the review. Tried to cover all issues. Archived ref 52. Ref 70 works for me.Tintor2 (talk) 01:58, 11 May 2014 (UTC)
Did another take on the issues. Removed ref 69.Tintor2 (talk) 13:25, 11 May 2014 (UTC)
Did another. I introduced PLANT in "who transports him to a mansion in the PLANT colony."Tintor2 (talk) 11:28, 12 May 2014 (UTC)
Another one. I don't get the "triggers anotber war," though.Tintor2 (talk) 20:52, 13 May 2014 (UTC)
Made another sentence for PLANT.Tintor2 (talk) 16:02, 14 May 2014 (UTC)

Passing. There's the typo "ZAFTt's homebase" which you should resolve. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 10:22, 17 May 2014 (UTC)