The Mainland (Father Ted)
|Father Ted episode|
|Episode no.||Series 3
|Directed by||Andy DeEmmony|
|Written by||Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews|
|Original air date||3 April 1998|
As Dougal finishes watching an episode of One Foot in the Grave, Ted informs him that they are travelling to the mainland to collect £200 that Ted won in a bet, and Dougal persuades him to visit some local caves as well. Meanwhile Jack is also going in order to get some new glasses (due to birds constantly stealing them) while Mrs. Doyle is going for tea with her friend Mrs. Dineen. Upon arriving, Jack and Mrs. Doyle are left alone while Ted and Dougal collect the winnings then visit the caves,
While waiting outside, Ted spots Richard Wilson standing nearby and, thinking that he'll love it, walks up to him and screeches "I don't believe it!" only for Wilson to start to beat Ted up in anger, having to be dragged off by others.
Meanwhile, Jack gets some new glasses only for them to be immediately stolen again. Fumbling along the street looking for alcohol, Jack accidentally wanders into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, with everyone assuming his screams of "Drink!" to be a cry for help. Later, Jack finally makes it into a pub and buys a bottle of whiskey, only for one of the people at the meeting to try and stop him, earning a trip in an ambulance for his troubles.
During the tour of the caves, Ted learns that the caves are fifteen-million years old and casually says "I don't believe it" only to find he was standing behind Richard Wilson again who resumes his attack. Ted and Dougal flee down another cave and get lost and encounter Father Noel Furlong and his St. Luke's Youth Group who have been trapped for two days. After mangling 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and joking about having to eat a member of his group (driving everyone crazy as usual), Noel decides to have a screeching competition and causes a cave-in, being covered in rocks. The youth group quickly flee to Paraguay, and Ted and Dougal leave Noel when he immediately starts to get annoying again.
In the tearoom, Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. Dineen spend the afternoon gossiping about their friends but get into a violent fight when neither will let the other pay for the drinks.
Ted discovers that Dougal's jumper has been unraveling and intends to follow the thread out, only to pull in the thread instead of following it and screams "I don't believe it", only for the words to echo through the caves making Richard Wilson to think he's going mad. After spending all night wandering, Ted and Dougal finally get out and go for something to eat only to be informed that Jack, Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. Dineen have all been arrested. Going to the station, Ted is told he needs to pay £200 or leave the three in the cells for the night. Ted tried to leave them, but when Dougal starts to try and attract his attention Ted hands over the £200 and furiously berates Dougal for trying to remind him about the money and embarrassing him. Dougal tells Ted he forgot all about the money and was just trying to tell Ted his fly was open.
Returning to Craggy Island, Ted promises to never return to the Mainland unless it is necessary... which, unfortunately, it always is. Meanwhile, Richard Wilson gets lost while bike-riding and coincidentally winds up outside the parochial house. Knocking on the door, Wilson is surprised when Ted answers and finds himself in a situation he literally cannot believe.
After the credits, we see Noel still trapped under the pile of rocks singing 'Fat Bottomed Girls' to himself.
- Richard Wilson makes a special guest appearance as himself, with Ted and Dougal recognising him as "yer man from One Foot in the Grave". In the episode, every time Ted says, "I don't believe it", Wilson becomes very angry (to the point where he violently attacks Ted). This is a real-life reference to the fact that Wilson really does hate people going up to him and saying his catchphrase from One Foot in the Grave and only performs the line for charity events. The situation was conceived when Father Ted writers Graham Linehan and Arthur Matthews sat behind Wilson at a performance of Le Cirque du Soleil at the Royal Albert Hall. They considered how "tasteless and wrong" it would be to lean forward to him every time that an acrobat did a stunt and yell the catchphrase, and then they realised that that's exactly what their fictional priests would do.
- Graham Norton returns for his third and final appearance as Father Noel Furlong. He sings the Queen songs "Bohemian Rhapsody" and, at the very end of the episode, "Fat Bottomed Girls".
- Art director Bill Crutcher appears in a cameo as the smoking bin man.
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