The New Coalition Academy

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The New Coalition Academy is a fictional column in Private Eye that depicts the UK coalition government led by David Cameron and Nick Clegg [1] as if they were in fact taking over a failing school: the first episode [2] explains that "Brown's Comprehensive" has been replaced by the Academy, and the new motto is "Duo in Uno" (Latin for "Two in One").


It commonly includes a Headmaster's Message, though that is sometimes substituted by a message from the Deputy Head. The Deputy Head's Message is often cut short due to "insufficient space".

"Pupils" are invariably referred to by their surname, for example Nick Ferrari is "Ferrari, N" and Danny Finkelstein is "Finkelstein, D" who contributes jokes.

Sports events such as The Ashes are referenced through the school's sports teams (the First XI or First XV). Defence-related news is referenced through the school's Combined Cadet Force and the school submarine.


  • David Cameron is Headmaster.
  • Nick Clegg is Deputy Headmaster.
    • Miriam Clegg is the wife of the Deputy Headmaster who does not want her children to go the Academy, but instead to private schools.
  • George Osborne is Bursar.
  • Danny Alexander is his assistant.
  • Vince Cable is the Head of Business Studies.
  • John Bercow is the Head of the Debating Society.
  • Rupert Murdoch is a school financier and Rebekah Brooks is his caretaker.
  • Andy Coulson was a miscreant student who the Headmaster put on the school switchboard for a time.
  • Chris Grayling was the Careers Master who was promoted to become Head of Discipline.
  • Boris Johnson is a personal friend of the Headmaster who is considered to be a potential Headmaster and therefore is constantly discredited by the Headmaster.
  • Liam Fox was the head of the CCF, who got into trouble for allowing his personal friend Adam Werritty to appear in his classroom without authorization.
  • David Davis is a former member of staff who attempted to become Headmaster.
  • Theresa May is Head of Discipline.
  • Michael Gove is the Curriculum Director, often on the "naughty chair".
  • Lord Coe is the Head of Physical Education who was charged with organising the Sports Day.
  • Dennis Skinner is an old school retainer.
  • Chris Huhne was the head of Environmental Studies who has resigned. He was in an affair with his secretary Carina Trimmingham.
  • Ed Davey is the new head of Environmental Studies.
  • Andrew Lansley is in charge of reorganising the Sanitorium who has now gone on leave.
  • Rowan Williams was known as Reverend Beardie and is the chaplain of the Academy until his departure in December and replacement by Justin Welby (Reverend Oilwellby), who used to run the local petrol station.
  • Jeremy Hunt was the head of Media Studies and has been reassigned to running the sanitorium, where he intends to put satellite dishes on the roof.
  • Andrew Mitchell is the head of Staff Discipline who got into trouble for losing his temper at some school security guards. He was later forced to resign.
  • Justine Greening is a teacher who is opposed to the opening of a third driveway in the school on the grounds that she lived too close to it.
  • Nadine Dorries is a teacher who wanted to mount a dartboard at the school Curry House.


  1. ^ “Clameronism”
  2. ^ Issue No 1263 (dated 28–10 May 2010

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