The Package (Seinfeld)
|Episode no.||Season 8
|Directed by||Andy Ackerman|
|Written by||Jennifer Crittenden|
|Original air date||October 17, 1996|
|Season 8 episodes|
|List of Seinfeld episodes|
Elaine cannot receive medical treatment for her rash because of a reputation as being a "difficult" patient. Kramer offers Jerry a method to get a refund on his stereo that is two years out of warranty. George discovers that Sheila (Heather Campbell), a clerk at the photo store, is looking at his pictures. Jerry refuses delivery of a package with no return address. George thinks that Sheila has stuck a revealing picture of herself in with his pictures, when, in actuality, it was a lingerie model's picture that accidentally got mixed in. Kramer convinces George to return the "compliment" by sending seductive pictures of George to Sheila, and offers to take the photos. Uncle Leo signs for Jerry's package. Elaine tries to lift her medical records.
Jerry lets Uncle Leo open the package and there is the sound of an explosion. Leo's stove has exploded, not the package. Eventually Jerry gets the package and opens it up, and it contains his stereo in pieces. Kramer sent the package to him insured; now all they must do is collect the insurance money from the post office. Elaine poses as Uncle Leo's nurse to try a diagnosis for her condition. When that doesn't work, she tries to get Kramer (who poses as the fictitious Dr. Van Nostrand) to lift her records; however, that fails as well, especially when Kramer gets his own records. Newman grills Jerry on suspicion of mail fraud. George drops off his film at the photo store and gets a surprising result. Newman gets a hold of and reveals the pictures that George and Kramer made, and believes them as a form of male pornography, including a picture of a presumably homosexual man named Ron, who saw the pictures of George taken by Kramer. This later leads to the break-up of George and Sheila, the photo store woman.
During the end credits, Elaine, Kramer, and Uncle Leo are at some medical place in, presumably, some state. When the doctor there receives the call about the trio, he doesn't help them and once again upsets Elaine and the two men.
- Elaine: I was looking at my chart [at the doctor's office], and it said that I was difficult. Why would they write that?
Jerry: They've gotten to know you.
- Kramer: George, it's the timeless art of seduction. You gotta join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back.
George: Well, I don't know.
Kramer: Well, as you know, I've always been something of a photog.
Jerry: Oh, yeah, I like this idea.
- [Kramer is eventually taking photographs of George.]
Kramer: (...) Feel the beat. Feel the beat. You know you got some real strong pecs but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.
George: Well do you want me to take it off?
Kramer: I don't know it's up to you.
George: Do you think it would be better if I did?
Kramer: It might be. I mean whatever you want.
George: All right! [George takes his T-shirt off.]
Kramer: That's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on, work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man. You are a lover boy!
- [Leo has received the package that Jerry refused to sign for, out of fear that it could be a bomb.]
Uncle Leo: [over the phone, to Jerry] I got your package.
Jerry: How did you get my package?
George: Leo's got your package?
Uncle Leo: What should I do with it?
Jerry: I don't know what you should do with it.
George: Tell him to open it.
Jerry: I'm not gonna treat my uncle like a bomb-defusing robot!
Uncle Leo: Jerry! Your cousin Jeffrey is in a Parks Department production of The Mikado. I want you to come see it with me!
Jerry: Open the package, Leo.
- Jerry: So, we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo now?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't!
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: I wish I had the last twenty seconds of my life back.
- Newman: (while interrogating Jerry on suspicion of mail fraud) Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
Jerry: Define rarely.
- Kramer: It's "Bennett", right?
Elaine: It's "Benes", you jackass! My last name is Benes!
Kramer: [looking confused]
Phil Hartman makes an uncredited voice appearance in this episode as the man who wakes Elaine to confirm the spelling of her surname.
Elaine makes reference to the nipple incident when talking with George about Kramer's photography work. The incident occurred in the Season 4 episode "The Pick". Kramer poses as "Dr. Van Nostrand, from the clinic". Kramer reprises this character in the Season 9 episode "The Slicer". The character is also referenced in "The Strike".