User:Professor Freedom
Nick French was born weighing 10 lbs. 2 oz. on July 16, 1973--the hottest day that summer, the day the Watergate tapes were revealed; the anniversary of the first nuclear test, the assassination of Czar Nicholas II and his family (no relation), the deaths of [[Harry Chapin]], Mary Todd Lincoln, and Gorgeous George; the publication of [[The Catcher in the Rye]], the onset of Mohammad's pilgrimage from Mecca to Medina (which marks the beginning of the Islamic calendar), Timothy Leary's first use of LSD, and what was to become the anniversary of Saddam Hussein's presidency and the Flight 800 and JFK Jr. plane disasters; the birthday of Mary Baker Eddy, Orville Redenbacher, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Roald Amundsen, Desmond Dekker, Stewart Copeland, Ruben Blades, Barry Sanders, Will Farrell, Phoebe Cates, Corey Feldman, and Spongebob Squarepants (really).
He grew up in Perrysburg, Ohio, one of only two federally designed cities in America, where he grew more restless, bored, and embittered with each year, at least after the the inevitable fading of the rosy haze of a childhood spent with comic books, cartoons, video games, legos, Adventure People, and Star Wars guys, playing flashlight tag, commando, razor blade frisbee, gorp, gnat, soccer, 2nd Street football, TV Initials, and Smear the Queer (sorry, that's what it was called). Played soccer, wrestled (embarrassingly), ran cross country and track. Was on the Quiz Bowl team in high school. Was in the Cub Scouts and the Boy Scouts until he got beaten up one too many times. The rest of the story of his school days tells itself.
Currently resides in Madison, Wisconsin and teaches English at the world-famous University of Wisconsin-Rock County in Janesville, Wisconsin. Before rocking U-Rock, worked at Capital (nee Madison) Newspapers in the advertising department --a la Leopold Bloom, his favorite character in literature (the [[Homer Simpson]] of letters) --as writing classified ads makes it much easier to find a better job while getting paid. Has also dug graves, wiped butts, sold gas, washed cars, licked envelopes, written a dictionary for fourth graders, sold books at Barnes and Noble in Toledo, Ohio and at the MoMA in NYC, developed prints, bagged groceries, painted houses, dug trenches, weeded gardens, mowed lawns, washed cars, picked up sticks, sold plasma, packed boxes, worked on Wall Street, tutored ESL students, watched children, moved furniture, peeled shrimp, and scraped blood-soaked sawdust off the floor of a meat locker for a living or beer money.
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[edit] (Hardly) Vital Statistics
Full Name (anagrammatically): Chancellor Shrapnel Fin / Cancer Porn in Half Shell
Height: 6'3" (when standing up straight, which isn't often)
Weight: 845.162 Newtons
Weight on the Moon: 31.54 lbs.
Shoe Size: 11 1/2 - 12
Pants Size: Waist-34/Length-34
Jacket Size: 42 Long
Shirt Size: 35" sleeve. 17 1/2" collar.
Standard Uniform: Tatterred tattersall shirt, torn and frayed Levi's, battered wingtips.
Blood Type: O negative
Handedness: Sinister in Latin, Gauche in French, both in English
Hair: Darkish, in disarray.
Eyes: Buckeye brown with flecks of Bobcat green, L:20/100 R:20/50
Birthplace: Toledo, Ohio
Almae Matres*: Ohio State, Ohio University, Kenyon College, Perrysburg High School, Perrysburg Junior High, Frank Elementary
Patron Saints: Thomas Aquinas, Cecilia, Nicholas, Francises* de Sales & of Assisi
Familiars: crows, mongooses*, foxes, ostriches, otters. *[sic]
Sun Sign: Cancer (Water, Cardinal); Moon Sign: Aquarius; Ascendant: Scorpio
Chinese Zodiac: Year of the Ox (MCMLXXIII)
Myers-Briggs Personality Type: INFP (introverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiving)
Heritage: English, German, et al.
Noted Relatives: Isaac Newton, Charles Stewart Parnell
Temperment (Dominant): Melancholic
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Allergies: penicillin, most perfume, pretty much everything else
Estimated Time of Death: Friday, Dec. 2, 2039
Lucky Numbers: 9, 13, 17, 21, 37, 42
[edit] Favorite Colors
Blue(Navy, Royal, Yves St. Klein)
Red (Blood, Ruby,Cherry, Aztec)
Black (Coffee, Night, Pitch)
White (Milk, Cloud, Moon)
Grey (Sweatshirt,Static)
Green (Forest, Hunter)
Purple (Rain)
[edit] Nicknames
Niki-Tiki-Tavi, Nickatick, Brother Nick, Nicky, Nick the Dick, Sigma, Nickers, Nicker Nelly, Nichabod Crane, Nickel-ass, Nick Hole Ass, Nick O'Teen, Nick Fit, Nick Fist, Fence, Dick Wrench, Dick Stench, Stench, Prick Trench, Rick Jr, The Big Dickmeister, French, Frenchy, French Bread, French Toast, French Fry, French Kiss, French Tickler, Nick Spanish, Nick the
Greek, Francais, Francois, Dangermouse, Floppy, Tapeworm, Rooster Boy, Parnell, Parns, Parnellicus, Ringo, Broccoli, Ole Saint Nick, Baby Boy French, Nick Freedom, Freedom Fry, Frizzle, Professor Freedom, Σ, Nicholas Parnell French.
[edit] Useless Skills
Rolling tongue and touching it to his nose (though not at the same time); reciting alphabet backwards, Hamlet's "To be or not to be" speech, Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" as well as other (shorter) poems by Shakespeare, Cummings, Stevens, Williams, Pound, Yeats, Larkin, etc., the first sentence of The Prologue to [[The Canterbury Tales]], and the Introduction and Preamble to The Declaration of Independence; solving Rubik's Cube in less than three minutes; swinging all the way around on a swingset (not really);
playing guitar behind his head not much worse than I play it in front of me; playing a thirteenth on a piano & lighting a match with one hand (not at the same time).
[edit] Brushes with fame
Talked to Kirk Douglas, Robert Duvall, Mick Jagger, Joan Osborne (whom he bought a drink), John Waters (who was very nice), the Beastie Boys (who were not), Tori Amos (from whom he surreptitiously, and almost certainly illegally, obtained an autograph), Ricki Lake (whom he wished a happy Mothers' Day), David Caruso, Jim Jarmusch, Jasper Johns, William Wegman and his dogs,Lee Radziwell (Jackie O's Sister) while working at the bookstore at The Museum of Modern Art in New York. Got locked into the Spy Shop on Madison Avenue with Priscilla Presley. Drank at Milanos on Houston with Kate Moss and Matt Dillon. Shook hands with Gerald Ford. Got winked at by Fred Schneider on 53rd street. Got hit on by Allen Ginsberg at Kenyon College. Got his picture taken with Al Franken. Spent an after-noon with Derek Walcott. Saw Robert DeNiro & Joe Pesci on 5th Avenue and Jerry Stiller & Anne Meara on 8th. Met rock gods Stephen Malkmus, Wayne Coyne, [[Robert Pollard]], Mazzy Star, before, during, or after concerts. Shook hands & was given stickers by Trent Reznor (ca. 89-90) while dangling
out of a moving car at 75 mph in Detroit, MI. Counts Lecy Gorenson, Roseanne's first Becky, among his dear friends. Knows someone whose parents are best friends with Kevin Bacon's parents.
[edit] Childhood Aspirations
Farmer, train engineer, veterinarian, Spiderman, cartoonist, writer, astronomer, astronaut, actor, movie director, critic, physician, chef, lawyer, teacher, editor, secret agent, President of the United States, rock star, saffron importer, physicist, homeless person, carpenter,
private investigator, gun runner, game show host, blacksmith, magician, alchemist, philosopher.
[edit] Places He'd Most Like to Visit
Egypt, Italy, Iceland, Quebec, Istanbul.
[edit] Alleged Celebrity Look-alikes
Ringo Starr, Ralph Macchio, Ray Romano, Al Pacino, Hugh Grant,[[Jeff Goldblum]], Michael Imperioli, Bronson Pinchot, Zach Braff, David Schwimmer, Andy Garcia, that one dude from that one movie.
