User:The Duke of Waltham

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His Grace The Duke of Waltham
Portrait of a white man in his late twenties posing in a dignified manner. He has long, curly brown hair falling from one side on his chest and he is wearing crimson robes lined with white fur over a uniform embroidered elaborately with gold.
Portrait by Sir Archibald Windsor (2006)
Born Christopher Andrew Chandler
(1980-01-01) 1 January 1980 (age 34)
Boston, Lincolnshire, England
Residence Waltham Hall, Lincolnshire, England
Nationality British
Occupation Businessman, scholar
Known for Too many achievements to fit in an infobox
Title President of Waltham Frozen Foods (WFF)
Term 2000–present
Predecessor Charles Nailo
Religion Anglican
Parents The Lord Andrew Chandler
Melissa Parker-Brydges
Signature Waltham

Christopher Andrew Chandler, 5th Duke of Waltham, GCP (born 1 January 1980), is a British peer, Wikipedian, herald, architect, city-planner, author, historian, biographer, philosopher, amateur psychoanalyst, public-relations expert, Internet legislator and judge, and Honorary Professor of Sarcasm at the University of Sunderland.

The son of prominent barrister Lord Andrew Chandler, QC (1957–88), Waltham succeeded to the dukedom in January 1990, on the death of his uncle, Theodore Walter Chandler, who had no issue.[1]

Personal life[edit]

Social meetings with members of the upper class aside, the Duke of Waltham has no personal life whatsoever.[2] He is dedicated to his many hobbies and splits his time between them and his plans for world domination (although the latter could as well be counted as one of the aforementioned hobbies).

For most of the year, His Grace resides at his family seat in Lincolnshire, the 17th-century Waltham Hall; he also spends much time in his London townhouse, and occasionally holidays in his other residences in Great Britain. However, he owns many other houses around the world, most of which he has not visited once, even though he spends huge amounts of money annually for their upkeep. Most of that money ends up funding the Duke's overseas servants' secret raucous parties.[citation needed]

Career[edit]

Although it has traditionally been of paramount importance for most members of his class not to do anything even slightly resembling work, the Duke of Waltham has broken all conventions and has undertaken many significant academic projects, all of which have been duly hailed as absolute successes in their fields (despite their actual outcome). Some of those ground-breaking works include:

  • the creation of fictional histories and geographies for the cities His Grace has created in SimCity 4;
  • extensive analyses of the fundamental problems of democracy (which have resulted in the conclusion that "people just don't know how to vote the right people to lead them, so they never do");
  • the Newbies Regulation Act, a piece of legislation applied in a number of prestigious Internet forums as their Ultimate Law and the basis of all their regulations; and
  • ideas for the establishment of world peace after the domination of the world through Wikipedia (see the relevant section below).

Undertakings like these have helped thousands of people globally and have earned the Duke considerable reputation worldwide.

The Duke enjoys making psychoanalytical diagnoses based on educated guesswork under the alias of Dr Sigmund Fraud, charging exorbitant fees and having much fun in the process. In addition to said outrageous prices, he profits even further by subsequently blackmailing his customers, from whom he has cunningly extracted numerous intimate and embarrassing secrets; as he is no real psychoanalyst, he breaches no etiquette by acting in such a manner.

Currently, His Grace is authoring his latest novel, A Beautiful Wikipedian, the plot of which revolves around a successful sysop whose world collapses when he realises that he is schizophrenic and that Wikipedia does not really exist.

Work in Wikipedia[edit]

Jimmy Wales, the unaware target of Waltham's occasional plotting. According to the Duke's best-selling autobiography, his meticulously planned usurpation of Wales's position of power in the Wikimedia movement will be completed "around May 2046, give or take a month".[2]

Although he has not contributed to Wikipedia as much as other editors have, Waltham has publicly stated that he plans to make many and memorable contributions to the noble encyclopaedia that will ensure his great popularity and good reputation, and will eventually lead to his being elected as the Supreme Ruler of Wikipedia (a post he intends to create as soon as he deposes Jimbo through the use of a combination of mass hypnosis and famous-sounding quotes).

Currently, the Duke is mostly interested in research, both general and in connection with future projects. His Grace is also spending time in such trivial janitorial tasks as typographic and grammar correction, link redirecting, article restructuring, wikification, and others. Finally, redirects and disambiguation pages are of a certain appeal to him, and he considers offering a greater part of his precious resources to these sectors of operations in the future.

Peerages[edit]

Apart from the Dukedom of Waltham, His Grace holds the subsidiary titles of Marquess of Humbermouth, Earl of Brightshade, Lord Cleethorpes and Lord Clemens. Although the marquessate—the only one of these titles in the Peerage of Great Britain—has come into the family by marriage, the earldom and barony have been specially created for members of the Chandler family, which shows just how important this family is. In other words, show the proper respect to the Duke (and give him many, many shiny barnstars).

The courtesy title used by the Duke's eldest son and heir is Earl of Brightshade; the style of Lord Brightshade's eldest son and heir is Lord Cleethorpes. Whether these titles will ever be used again, however, is in question (see above).

This is all you will need to know; further information about any of these peerages can be found nowhere else on Wikipedia, nor will it ever be in the future.

Arms[edit]

See adjacent text.
The armorial achievement of the Duke of Waltham. Because this version was designed in the 1990s, it does not display the collar of the Order of the Penguin around the shield.

The Duke of Waltham is entitled to several tens of quarterings, this accumulation being a product of many good marriages. The last two Dukes have been displaying four of them in their arms, which can be seen on the left; the blazon is the following:

Shield: Quarterly first Azure a chevron between three towers Argent second per fess wavy Vert and Gules in chief three roses Argent barbed and seeded proper and in base two fleurs-de-lys Or third Gules a lion rampant Or gorged with a collar gemel Azure holding in its dexter forepaw a torch Sable enflamed and holding in its mouth a sprig of maple proper fourth Azure a Bend engrailed between two escallops Argent the whole within a bordure quarterly Or and Argent.

Crest: On a wreath Argent and Azure upon the battlements of a tower Argent a boar passant Ermines langued Gules armed crined unguled and winged Argent the underside of each wing charged with a cross Gules and supporting with its dexter forehoof an escallop again Argent; mantled Azure doubled Argent.

Supporters: On either side a sea-lion the upper parts Argent the nether part Azure finned Argent langued Gules the dexter ducally crowned and the sinister crowned with a naval crown Or each charged on the shoulder with an escallop Azure that of the dexter supporter charged with a fleur-de-lys Or and that of the sinister with a rose Argent barbed and seeded proper all upon water barry wavy Argent and Azure.

Motto: UTENS DIVITIAS MARIS (Latin for "Building on the wealth of the sea")

His Grace has also inherited a heraldic badge, with the following blazon: A sea-lion sejant Azure goutty d'eau finned Argent breathing fire proper ducally crowned and resting the dexter foot upon a tower Or.

Awards and other distinctions[edit]

A medal consisting of a wide dark-red ribbon from which hangs a five-pointed star with a circular hole in the middle. The star is made of a dark metal and points downwards. On the ribbon is written "ECCE LUX" and in the central part is written "EDITOR".
The Iron Star of Editing is one of the many awards bestowed upon His Grace by unbribed and impartial relatives.

In January 2002, the Duke of Waltham was appointed by Queen Elizabeth II a Knight Grand Cross in the Most Southern and Most Noble Order of the Penguin for his services to the British Antarctic Territory. The Duke also holds several honorary positions in various institutions and learned societies around the realm and the Commonwealth, and is affiliated with many prominent organisations active in a variety of different fields. Most importantly, he is Master of the Worshipful Company of Evil Grin Manufacturers (yes, Evil Grins™ are a commodity, and an ancient one at that).

Although His Grace has yet to receive any notable awards from Wikipedia for his undoubtedly invaluable services to the Community, he has already established the connections necessary for the acquisition of said distinctions. You can rest assured; when the awards appear on this page, you will know that the agreed upon monetary amounts will have been deposited in the proper (bank) accounts.

Current undertakings[edit]

Since early in his Wikipedia career, Waltham has been a notable participant in the WikiProject concerning the standardisation of succession boxes and the replacement of the old-type boxes with the new, improved models. His work in said WikiProject has already yielded satisfying results, and has resulted in the implementation of several drastic changes.

Furthermore, His Grace has become involved in inter-Project politics, and is a self-appointed Counsellor. He aims to help with the organisation of the Council's resources and supply it with ideas that might help promote the closer co-ordination of WikiProjects.

Apart from the above, of course, there is the ongoing attempt of the Duke to take over Wikipedia (and the world), hearing about which you have undoubtedly grown tired of and which is always first in his list of pending tasks. That is, until it is removed altogether when this goal is achieved (and not if it is achieved, as some very stupid people have at times commented in a number of tabloids).

Here it should be noted that there is no Cabal on Wikipedia. Despite the attempts of some pathetic dim-witted buffoons to expose the existence of such a clandestine organisation within the ranks of Wikipedians, the truth is that "the Cabal" is nothing but yet another disguise for The Conspiracy, the real power behind the scenes. But you haven't learned this from this page, so please be as kind as to forget immediately what you have just read.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

See also[edit]

References[edit]

  1. ^ Chandler-Smith, George W. "Our Leader is Gone: The Duke of Waltham Enters Shrimp Magnates Valhalla at 69". The Waltham Frozen Foods Newsletter, 17 January 1990, pp. 1–35, 42–59.
  2. ^ a b Waltham, Christopher Andrew, Duke of (2006). My Autobiography of Myself (2nd ed.). Random House.


Political offices
Preceded by
The Great Khan
as Omnipotent Dictator of SBS
Benevolent Dictator of SBS
November 2007 – present
Incumbent
Honorary titles
Preceded by
Sir Stephen Cole Bertram
Master of the Worshipful Company of Evil Grin Manufacturers
1996–present
Incumbent
Peerage of the United Kingdom
Preceded by
Theodore Walter Chandler
Duke of Waltham
1990–present
Incumbent


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