User talk:Secret

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I'm sorry I had to sock (I fully expect this account to be blocked) in order to leave a final farewell message, ArbCom refused to unban my talk page to "prevent further disruption" and on not a "policy based" rationale, which I suspect AGK is behind it. I have been on Wikipedia since 2005 and an administrator since 2006. My problems is well-known to the community as I made the terrible mistake interfering my personal life with my "online persona" here. When I'm "healthy", I'm usually inactive from Wikipedia while I go on with my personal life, but when I'm not, I tend to edit more often to avoid the realization of my illness, and that's what led me to my ban.

To explain my backstory, I was diagnosed with severe cyclothymia, at age 20 and Graves disease at 23, along with adult ADHD. My mother was schizophrenic so it was expected that I inherited some of her illness. As a result I have a terrible reaction towards stress that leaves me unable to do anything at times, and very manic/perfectionist at other times. I have been hospitalized over 20 times the past 8 years and took unsuccessful ECT treatment. I survived a serious suicide attempt last October which left me in a coma for a week because I lost my school financial aid with one semester remaining to graduate. I lost my independence for over a year as a result, and I only very slowly started to recover fully the past few months. I got a full time job and a brand new car back in September, and finally got my own apartment again earlier in the year.

When I found out an IP made a trolling comment geolocated near my work zip code, I impulsively blocked the IP and then I abused the rev delete tool to evade my actions, in order to defend my real life identity, because I risked losing it all. I took the desysopping (and especially the unblocking of the IP) the wrong way and I asked to be banned out of frustration and shock, by using a non-serious legal threat, and a very stupid, impulsive post of an arbcom email, that gladly got oversighted. I quickly regretted my actions and was even suicidal until I "snapped" out of it and finally figured out that I let a stupid website control my life the wrong way all this time. Thinking about suicide just because I got desysopped? Seriously? I had to quit immediately and block the website from my computer.

Wikipedia is a dangerous game and once you get addicted to it, there no coming out. I felt like I wasted nearly 10 years of my life in this website. I am proud of some of my accomplishments I have done here, especially my work in WP:AFD, doing significant work evolving it from a vote based to a policy based consensus and made a few good friends, including User:NuclearWarfare, User:Maxim, User:Wizardman, User:Yellow Evan, User:Hurricanehink, User:Fluffernutter, User:Nick, User:Nishkid64, User:Hahc21, User:Guerillero, among others. I need all of you to pray for my quick recovery while I go though this very difficult time. Please don't delete this message as my last request in this project.


Secret/Jorge Aranda

Your account will be renamed

02:54, 20 March 2015 (UTC)