Theatrical release poster
|Directed by||Jason Friedberg
|Produced by||Peter Safran
|Written by||Jason Friedberg
Christopher N. Riggi
Anneliese van der Pol
|Music by||Christopher Lennertz|
|Editing by||Peck Prior|
|Distributed by||20th Century Fox|
|Running time||82 minutes
84 minutes (Extended cut)
Vampires Suck is a 2010 vampire spoof film based on the Twilight film series and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. It stars Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Christopher N. Riggi, Ken Jeong, Anneliese van der Pol, and Arielle Kebbel.
Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves to Sporks to live with her clueless father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader), after her mother starts an affair with Tiger Woods. Meanwhile, killings have been happening to random people and the number one suspects are the Canadians. It is in fact a group of vampires, who are (apparently) commonly confused with the Black Eyed Peas. Becca is quickly befriended by many students at her new high school, (which is odd, considering the welcome she was given) including Jennifer (Anneliese van der Pol) but she is intrigued by the mysterious and aloof Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), who perplexes her during their time in the biology class, despite thinking she smells of tuna.
Later, Becca is nearly struck by a van in the school parking lot. Edward inexplicably moves from several feet away and stops the vehicle by thrusting another student in its path without any harm to himself or Becca (the other student is very badly injured). He later refuses to explain this act to Becca and warns her against befriending him. After much research, she tells Edward that she knows what he is, but reaches the wrong conclusion that he is a Jonas Brother. Edward corrects her, saying he is a vampire but that he only consumes animal blood (and the Real Housewives of Atlanta), and shows her the shiny bling he wears under his clothes. He also states he is a killer, and shoots Alice (from Alice in Wonderland) The pair fall in love, and Becca and Edward kiss passionately in her room. Edward and Becca agree that it was wonderful. Becca then gets into bed with Edward and starts biting his ear. She gets up and rips of her clothes, wanting to have passionate sex with Edward. She walks around the room tantalizingly while wearing a bra with neon circles. However, Edward abstains. On Becca's birthday, Edward introduces Becca to his vampire family. While unwrapping a gift, Becca gets a paper cut, after which one of the newer vampires (Jeremiah) runs at her. Edward flings her back, and then does the same to Jeremiah. She then starts to bleed from her arm, and the blood falls in a pyramid-shape of champagne glasses. After locking his dad and brother in tanning beds, he notices Becca has a nose bleed. Realizing the danger that he and his family pose to Becca, Edward rides a Segway PT out to the woods. He then proceeds to break up with Becca, who throws a temper tantrum after he leaves. After the fit, the three vampires that killed the fisherman appears. Becca begins to be eaten, but Edward shows up. After Jack retrieves his fangs from Becca's arm and leaps at Edward, Edward dispatches him by knocking his head off with a baseball bat. Jack's head flies through Sheriff Frank's car window, and he blames the Kardashians.
Edward's departure leaves Becca heartbroken for months. She discovers that thrill-seeking activities and attempted suicides evoke Edward's preserved image. She is also comforted by her deepening friendship with Jacob White (Christopher N. Riggi), the cheerful childhood friend who eases her pain over losing Edward. When Becca is accosted in the woods by the last of the nomadic vampires (the third not appearing, as she was recast), Jacob transforms into a Chihuahua as his werewolf pack arrives to save her. Meanwhile, Edward has moved to Rio de Janeiro and is now dating Lady Gaga to get over losing Becca. When his sister arrives and tells him that, with her gift of prophecy, she has seen Becca kill herself. Edward becomes depressed and decides to provoke the "Zolturi", a powerful vampire coven, by exposing himself in the sunlight at 'St. Salvatore's day' school prom and forcing them to kill him for revealing that vampires exist. His sister has another vision of Becca's survival as he leaves, but she is unable to warn him.
Edward's sister arrives at Becca's house in her Porsche 911, and tells her she has to save Edward by showing him she is still alive. Jacob appears and demands that Becca choose between him and Edward, but just before she announces her decision he is distracted by a cat and runs off to chase it. Upon arriving at the prom, Becca is caught between the warring factions of Edward fangirls and Jacob fangirls. She is unable to reach Edward before he exposes himself, figuratively and literally. However, twilight occurs (followed by a new moon and an eclipse), concealing Edward's vampire nature as Becca gets him to safety. But after a fight between him and the Zolturi leader, Daro (Ken Jeong), Edward is forced to make Becca into a vampire or else he will be killed horribly. He agrees to do so only on the condition that she marry him, which she accepts.
The film concludes with Edward taking a blow to the head from the head Jacob fangirl, who shouts "Team Jacob, bitch!" Edward survives the blow, and the girl is attacked by the newly vampirized Becca.
- Jenn Proske as Becca Crane
- Matt Lanter as Edward Sullen
- Diedrich Bader as Frank Crane
- Chris Riggi as Jacob White
- Ken Jeong as Daro
- Anneliese van der Pol as Jennifer
- Arielle Kebbel as Rachel
- Charlie Weber as Jack
- Crista Flanagan as Eden
- Jun Hee Lee as Derric
- David DeLuise as Fisherman Scully
- Ike Barinholtz as Bobby White
- Dave Foley as Principal Smith
- Randal Reeder as Biker Dude
- Nick Eversman as Jeremiah
- Zane Holtz as Alex
- Krystal Mayo as Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Vampires Suck was released on August 18, 2010, in the United States, Canada and Russia, August 26 in Australia and was released on October 15 in Britain. 20th Century Fox did not provide advance screenings of the film for critics.
Vampires Suck received almost universally negative reviews from critics and an approval rating of 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, with the consensus being "Witlessly broad and utterly devoid of laughs, Vampires Suck represents a slight step forward for the Friedberg-Seltzer team."  And on The Rotten Tomatoes Show, comedian Ron Babcock said that it's "scary that this movie made two million dollars more in its opening weekend than Scott Pilgrim vs the World." He then proceeded to say "America, can you guys get your shit together?" Another review aggregator, Metacritic, calculated an average score of 18 based on 16 critics, the worst score for a wide release in 2010. Jenn Proske's performance received some praise.
Spill.com, whose video reviews are usually around five minutes long and censored, had a twenty second review which consisted of Korey Coleman staring blankly into the camera before uttering, "Fuck you" (which is the lowest rating the website gives) uncensored. In the audio commentary from the site, Coleman stated that "The films that these two directors make are so blatant at being nothing more than a juvenile finger pointing at an image or mention of a popular trend that, to me, they seem exploitive of a young culture raised to have an ever-decreasing attention span, thanks to the Internet and channel surfing and, this may sound a little crazy, but, I think it shows a slight de-evolution in what people will accept as entertainment."  The review by Peter Travers of Rolling Stone was only four words long, which simply stated: "This movie sucks more." Film critic Mark Kermode reviewed the film on his Radio 5 show, prefacing the review by saying "It's no surprise to know that it's all terrible, witless, boring, terror". He criticized the film for what he perceived as stale subject matter, saying that the Twilight franchise had left the public consciousness and was no-longer fit for parody, "It's not just that the ship has sailed; it's that the ship has sailed, gone across the Atlantic, hit an iceberg, sunk, been dragged up by at least one company, been turned into the biggest movie hit ever, and is now currently being retrofitted for 3D for an anniversary re-release." Another review from Collider.com's Jake Horowitz said that "not a single thing in its dreadful 82 minutes running time is even remotely worth watching, or considered even slightly entertaining." He then wrote that "no amount of review can make up for what I witnessed while watching Vampires Suck. How wrong I was to assume that it was even watchable, because with each over-done hit on the head or kick in the balls I cringed at the thought of this movie making nearly $80 million worldwide; and imagining people actually laughing in a theatre somewhere."
In the United States, the film opened at #1 on August 18 with $4,016,858. On August 19, the film dropped to #3 behind The Expendables and Eat Pray Love with $2,347,044. By the weekend, Vampires Suck landed at #2 behind The Expendables and $200,000 over Eat Pray Love. The full second week the film dropped to #11, grossing no more than $500 per theater, respectively. In its second weekend, the film dropped more than 50% from its opening weekend but rose to #6. As of July 12, 2012 the film has grossed $80,547,866 worldwide.
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- "The Best and Worst Movies of 2010". Metacritic. CBS Interactive. Retrieved January 8, 2011.
- Persall, Steve (August 19, 2010). "Review: 'Vampires Suck' aims stake at heart of 'Twilight' fans". St. Petersburg Times. Retrieved August 21, 2010.
- Markowitz, Adam (August 20, 2010). "Vampires Suck". Entertainment Weekly. Retrieved August 21, 2010.
- "Vampires Suck | Spill.com Movie Reviews". YouTube. Retrieved 2010-09-01.
- Spill.com, "Vampires Suck". Retrieved August 26, 2010.
- Travers, Peter (August 26, 2010). "Vampires Suck". Rolling Stone. Retrieved August 27, 2010.
- Kermode, Mark (October 18, 2010). "Vampires Suck Reviewed by Mark Kermode". Retrieved October 18, 2010.
- Horowitz, Jake (December 27, 2010). "Vampire's Suck Blu-ray Review by Jake Horowitz". Retrieved Jan 13, 2011.
- "Vampires Suck (Box Office Mojo)". Box Office Mojo. Retrieved August 20, 2010.
- "Daily Box Office for Thursday, August 19, 2010". Box Office Mojo. 2010-08-19. Retrieved 2010-08-25.
- "Weekend Box Office Results for August 20-22, 2010". Box Office Mojo. Retrieved 2010-08-25.
- "Vampires Suck (Box Office Mojo)". Box Office Mojo. Retrieved September 5, 2010.
- Official website
- Vampires Suck at the Internet Movie Database
- Vampires Suck at allmovie
- Vampires Suck at Box Office Mojo
- Vampires Suck at Rotten Tomatoes
- Vampires Suck at Metacritic