What Would Brian Boitano Do?
"What Would Brian Boitano Do?" is a song from the film South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut written by DVDA (Trey Parker and Matt Stone's band) in which figure skater Brian Boitano is treated as a role model for all situations (which become increasingly ludicrous in the lyrics), in parody of the saying "What would Jesus do?".
In South Park
The song is also a reference to the 1995 Christmas short "The Spirit of Christmas" which led to the full-fledged South Park (1997) series (the original Christmas short was created in 1992 by Parker and Stone while students at the University of Colorado). In the short, Stan Marsh asks Eric Cartman, "What would Brian Boitano do?" as Jesus battles Santa Claus.
In the song, Boitano skates through circles in the 1988 Olympic Winter Games while blindfolded, fights grizzly bears (in the Alps) with his magical fire breath, saves fair maidens, travels through time to the year 3010, fights an evil robot king, saves the human race (again), and builds the Great Pyramids while beating up Kublai Khan, because he "doesn't take shit from anybody". During the middle of the song, a cartoon Brian Dennehy interrupts, apparently thinking the song is about him.
A hardcore punk version of the song was performed by Stone and Parker's band D.V.D.A. and featured in the movie's credits, and the video is found on the DVD of the film. In this version, it is further revealed that Boitano also has an apparently limitless appetite for spicy chicken wings, and came from the planet Krylock to "save us all from war, and death, and stuff."
Response from Boitano
In a series of interviews, Boitano has reacted light-heartedly to the use of his name in the song. He skated to a slightly modified version of the song as part of the 1999 Brian Boitano's Holiday Skating Spectacular television special. Boitano also starred in a TV show on the Food Network, the title of which, What Would Brian Boitano Make?, mirrors the song's title; the show premiered August 23, 2009.
- "Trivia for South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut". IMDb. 1999. Retrieved 2008-07-18.
- Rothman, Robin A. (2003-04-25). "What would figure skating legend Brian Boitano do?". gazette.com. Archived from the original on 2007-06-30.
- Knapp, Gwen (2006-02-05). "Tickled by life, Boitano even enjoys 'South Park' ribbing". San Francisco Chronicle.
- Bierly, Mandi (2007-12-19). "Brian Boitano Interview Spectacular!". Entertainment Weekly.
- Kim, Ellen A. (1999-12-31). "Pikachu – Misunderstood or Potty-Mouthed?". Hollywood.com. Archived from the original on 2013-01-25.
- "What Would Brian Boitano Make?". Food Network.
- South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut at the Internet Movie Database
- San Francisco Chronicle interview with Brian Boitano about the song