Wikipedia:Peer review/Kahaani/archive1

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Kahaani[edit]

Toolbox

* Further information

This peer review discussion has been closed.
Hello, I would like to open a peer review to expand and improve this article and also to clean up any problems and issues within the article before we go for a possible FAR. Several editors have worked on this article close to 4 months and almost all of them have noted that the article is potentially a strong possible FAC. The main contributors towards the article include Myself, Karthikndr and Dwaipayanc. Thanks, ...Msrag talk2me 05:52, 27 June 2012 (UTC)

Hmmm, this is a tough problem. We'll give it a try. Perhaps will make a draft of the section, and discuss that in the talk page. We'll try to do it soon.--Dwaipayan (talk) 07:27, 21 July 2012 (UTC)

Comments

  • The article generally looks pretty good. Here are a few comments on language.
  • "Kahaani released worldwide on 9 March 2012 to major critical acclaim with praise directed to the screenplay, the cinematography and the performances of the lead actors": I'd recommend splitting this into two sentences as follows: "Kahaani released worldwide on 9 March 2012 to major critical acclaim. Critics praised the screenplay, the cinematography and the performances of the lead actors." Yes check.svg Done
  • "Word of mouth publicity" --> "Word-of-mouth publicity" (compound adjective takes hyphens) Yes check.svg Done
  • "paved the way for Kahaani to emerge as a major commercial success" --> "paved the way for Kahaani's commercial success" (more succinct, says the same thing) Yes check.svg Done
  • "arrives in Kolkata around Durga Puja festivities": Shouldn't this be "during" the festivities? Yes check.svg Done
  • "Before Agnes could obtain Damji's records" --> "can obtain" (tense agreement) Yes check.svg Done
  • "Bob, also looking for the documents" --> "Bob, who is also looking for the documents" Yes check.svg Done
  • "flees in the crowd": Should this be "flees into the crowd outside" or "flees into the streets"? It's not clear where this crowd is. Yes check.svg Done
  • "leaving a thank you note" --> "leaving a thank-you note" (compound adjective takes hyphen) Yes check.svg Done
  • "It is she who has been using the police and IB for her motive": this is a bit vague. Could we delete "for her motive" or be more specific about it? Yes check.svg Done
  • "some top IB officials": "top IB officials" suffices here. Yes check.svg Done
  • "with a nascent idea of the film": Should be "for the film" but you might consider simply saying "with the idea for the film". Yes check.svg Done
  • "Kala developed the story resembling a memoir on the city of Kolkata, where she had followed the footsteps of her boyfriend in 1999, quite akin to the protagonist in the film.": There's a lack of clarity here. Did Kala change the story into a memoir about Kolkata? I'd also consider finding a better description than "memoir," as this generally refers to a book. And "the footsteps of" can be removed without losing any meeting. So can "quite".
  • "finished it up": "finished it" suffices. Yes check.svg Done
  • "Kala started writing the story in 2009 and finished it up by February 2010, the effort culminating in a 185-page work" can be simplified to "Kala started writing the story in 2009 and finished the 185-page script by February 2010." Yes check.svg Done
  • "later in that year": Remove "in". Yes check.svg Done
  • "Ghosh began to work on the screenplay of the film while he was waiting for the release of his previous film Aladin (2009),": It's not entirely clear to me where this fits. Did Ghosh pick up wher Kala left off? Did he make his revisions to the screenplay in early 2010? Are we treating the script and screenplay as two separate things?
  • "three major factors": Put a colon after this rather than an em dash. Remove "major". You wouldn't be mentioning them if they weren't important (I hope). Yes check.svg Done
  • "He finally resumed work in 2010": I think "finally" can be removed. Yes check.svg Done
  • I don't understand this bit: "According to the director, Yashraj Films nearly agreed to produce the film. However, Ghosh was asked to sign an agreement to direct three films which he eventually declined." So Ghosh nearly agreed with Yashraj to produce the film, but he was asked to sign an agreement to direct three films and declined? Are we saying he didn't want to commit to doing three films so he backed out? If so, best to say this plainly and directly.
  • "who insisted upon Ghosh to shoot in the city" --> "who insisted that Ghosh shoot in the city" Yes check.svg Done
  • "Ghosh finalized Kolkata as the background due to several reasons" --> "Ghosh selected Kolkata for several reasons" Yes check.svg Done
  • "the mix of modernity and old world charm that the city presents" --> "its mix of modernity and old-world charm" Yes check.svg Done
  • "and the budget constraints as making cinema in Kolkata is cheaper than Mumbai or Delhi, the usual shooting location of the majority of Bollywood films": I recommend breaking this up into separate sentences and making it more concise as follows: "and budget constraints. Making movies in Kolkata is cheaper than Mumbai or Delhi, the shooting locations of most Bollywood films" Yes check.svg Done
  • "He related the skeleton of the story" --> "He described" etc. Yes check.svg Done
  • "one of his friends" --> "a friend" Yes check.svg Done
  • "during the development of the story" --> "during its development" Yes check.svg Done
  • "That friend called him back a few days later, and just asked him about how his film was going." --> "The friend called him back a few days later and asked how his film was going." Yes check.svg Done
  • "The friend mistakenly imagined some sequences which he assumed to be parts of the plot.": remove "some". Yes check.svg Done
  • "Ghosh got the idea of the twist from these assumed sections of the plot" --> "The idea for the twist ending came from these imagined sequences." Yes check.svg Done
  • "Ghosh planned to work with Balan since long" --> "Ghosh had planned for a long time to work with Balan" Yes check.svg Done
  • "When Ghosh narrated her the brief initial outline of the plot, Balan turned the offer down." --> "When Ghosh described to her the brief initial outline of the plot, Balan turned the offer down." Yes check.svg Done
  • "he couldn't fit that into his schedule due to other commitments" --> "he could not take the part due to other commitments" Yes check.svg Done
  • "He claimed that Ghosh knew him since childhood": "said" not "claimed" Yes check.svg Done
  • "and impressed with his acting" --> "and was impressed with his acting" Yes check.svg Done
  • "Several characters were thought about in minute detail.": Consider removal. It's a vague statement. Yes check.svg Done
  • "during stand up acting": What is "stand up acting"?
  • "Parambrata Chatterjee mentioned" --> "Parambrata Chatterjee said" Yes check.svg Done
  • "ruthless expletive spewing" --> "ruthless, expletive-spewing" Yes check.svg Done
  • "with lean physical built, and full of mental strength, loyalty and patriotism" --> "with lean physical build and full of mental strength, loyalty and patriotism." Yes check.svg Done
  • "barring the music composers Vishal-Shekhar as he thought the presence of a fresh crew would always keep him on his toes" --> "barring the music composers Vishal-Shekhar because he thought the presence of a fresh crew would keep him on his toes" Yes check.svg Done
  • This is confusing: "He thought people who he knew too well from before might influence him to overlook mistakes in film making". You can remove "from before", but it's not clear why people he knew would tell him to overlook his mistakes. Yes check.svg Done
  • "shot continuously in a schedule of 64 days" --> "shot continuously in 64 days" Yes check.svg Done
  • "was actually shot" --> "was shot" Yes check.svg Done
  • "goddess Durga to slay the demon—"Durga Puja": use a colon, not a dash. And it's not clear who's saying this quote. Yes check.svg Done
  • "Kahaani's first look poster": "first-look" Yes check.svg Done
  • "explained to them of not including": Should this be "explained to them that they were not including"? Yes check.svg Done
  • That's about it for now. It looks quite comprehensive, but I think the prose needs a good deal of work. In general, I'd recommend going through and trying to find passages that can be shortened and made more simple. Sometimes there's an excess of verbiage where only one or two words will do. I don't think it's ready for an FA review yet, but it could get there with more refinement. The other concerns mentioned by previous reviewers are also valid ones. Best of luck with it.--Batard0 (talk) 19:41, 22 July 2012 (UTC)