Wikipedia:Peer review/Summer Wars/archive3

Summer Wars

Previous peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am interested in taking this to at least FA status. This article has just passed a GAN and have undergone two previous peer reviews leading up to the GA promotion. This article has been significantly improved upon during this time and I have done some extensive copyediting and significantly expanded the article, especially with regards to its production section, its reception section, the box office section, the plot section and the lead section. Any and all comments how to improve this article are welcome.

Thanks, Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 01:01, 15 May 2011 (UTC)

As the original creator of this article, I'd like to thank you for taking the article this far. I only managed to skim the article for now, but I noticed there is a confusing gross ticket sales number: "The film closed its run with a total gross of $29,785." South Korea's sale was mentioned in the previous sentence, so which one is this? —Arsonal (talk + contribs)— 00:16, 29 May 2011 (UTC)

The $29 thousand gross total is about the Singapore release of the film and has been changed accordingly. Thanks for the feedback, Arsonal. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 00:22, 29 May 2011 (UTC)

Just curious - "At least FA status" - what is there beyond FA (and why did no one tell me)? Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 21:20, 1 June 2011 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: I will review this as if it were at FAC, here are some suggestions for improvement.

• One dead link here

Lead

• The infobox and lead do not agree - when I see produced by for a film, I think of the people who are the producers in the credits. The lead says produced by Madhouse (which is a Japanese animation studio) but the infobox says the producers are: Nozomu Takahashi, Takuya Ito, Takashi Watanabe, Yuichiro Saito, Executive Producer Seiji Okuda. The lead says released by Warner Brothers, but the infobox says Studio Madhouse, distributed by Warner Bros.
• Similarly the lead says grandmother and the Plot section says great-grandmother - which is it?
• The most difficult criterion for most articles to meet at FAC is 1a, a professional level of English. This sentence would be a problem Hosoda intended to make it widely acceptable to audiences without age or sex references. Since the characters' genders and ages are pretty much all given in the Voice cast section, I am not sure what this really means (and it is clunky)
• The Jinnouchi family is mentioned in the lead, but it is not really explained who they are in the lead.
• There are several FAC reviewers who do not like verb + ing constructions - so I would change things like ...as well as being nominated for the 2009 Golden Leopard award at the Locarno International Film Festival.[5] to something like "...and was nominated for the 2009 Golden Leopard..."

Plot

• Avoid one and two sentence paragraphs wherever possible
• I am not clear what "it" refers to here Love Machine, an artificial intelligence running in the OZ infrastructure, uses Kenji's account and his avatar to hack into it, causing widespread damage.
• MOS says to spell out numbers less than 10, so "second" (not "2nd")
• Tighten Recognizing the situation as akin to war, Sakae calls her various associates in important positions in Japan's society and her relatives who work in various emergency services.
• Awkward (to Sakae's anger) Wabisuke reveals that he created Love Machine and sold the program to the United States Armed Forces, to Sakae's anger.
• Not clear what is destroyed (antecedent for last it unclear) in Wabisuke disables Love Machine's defenses, distracting it long enough for King Kazma to be revived and assisted by several Jinnouchi family avatars before destroying it.
• More unclear language - the satellite is destroyed, the entrance is destroyed - how is the geyser related? (satleiite causes that, but the sentence does not really say that) The Arawashi's impact causes a shockwave that destroys it, as well as the estate's entrance and a geyser to erupt.
• Has? Who has them kiss - unclear Some time later, the Jinnouchi family celebrate their victory as well as Sakae's birthday and has Natsuki kiss Kenji after confessing their love to each other.

Voice cast

• Looks like the same footnote is used for all Japanese voices - why not add it to the coumn header instead? Ditto for English voices.

Production

• Needs a ref Aoyama was an animation director, and Nishida a key animator, on The Girl Who Leapt Through Time. so do the similar statements All songs written and composed by Akihiko Matsumoto. and All songs written and composed by Tatsuro Yamashita.

Release

• I would discsuss the promotion of the movie before the manga (swap the paragraphs, also somewhat more chronological that way)
• WHat sort of profit did the film make (not just gross revenue, but net profit)?

General

• Bottom line, I think this owuld benefit from a copy eidt before FAC
• Any chance for free images? There is one of Ueda in its article...
• WHy not include CHRISTMAS IN AUGUST - Jonathan Clements gets into the hidden meanings of Mamoru Hosoda's Summer Wars. in the article itself - is it not a RS?
• Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia:Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 03:57, 2 June 2011 (UTC)

Thank you so much for the comments and suggestions, Ruhrfisch. Your help is invaluable, and these comments are helpful reminders of issues throughout the article. Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 22:56, 7 June 2011 (UTC)