This is my penultimate article concerning an American Revolutionary War general from North Carolina. This one is short and sweet, as Sumner was frequently ill, bad-tempered, and subjected to administrative tasks more than combat. Let me know your thoughts - and thanks for reviewing! Cdtew (talk) 01:34, 29 July 2013 (UTC)
COMMENTS ON NARRATIVE
Ambiguity in 3rd sentence under Valley Forge: Are the "poor guns" light artillery, or are they muskets for infantrymen? Both usages were prevalent in the era.
Guns meaning long arms. Sorry for the ambiguous language.
Promotion and campaigning in the Carolinas: Who is this mysterious Lincoln who pops out of the woodwork in June 1779?
Sorry, that was a slip of the mind while writing. Gates wasn't in command at the time, it was Lincoln - so I changed the Horatio Gates wikilink to Benjamin Lincoln.
This from a quick first reading. More later.
Thanks for the review so far. I look forward to any comments you may have! Cdtew (talk) 02:06, 1 August 2013 (UTC)
I took the time to check all links; there are no ambiguities needing disambiguation.
Similarly, I checked cites and found none that could be improved or multi-reffed.
I can pick some minor nits with the writing. In the lead, the phrase "most well known" might more felicitously be rewritten as "best known". Also, in the first paragraph of the postwar section, the second sentence would be clearer if it read, "It appears that Sumner's wife died at some point between 1781 and 1784." The unwary reader might think the present death that of Mrs. Warren.
These are minor quibbles. The article is distinctly an A Class effort.
"many of the North Carolinians had such poor muskets that many were discarded": In general, don't use the same pronoun in one sentence to refer to two different things.
In the "After the death" paragraph, there are 3 althoughs ... vary the wording and structure.
"North Carolina ... was in theory owed two additional brigadier generals ... North Carolina was due the appointment of additional brigadier generals": I'm not sure if there's a way to remove the repetition, but give it a shot.
"Although North Carolina was due the appointment of additional brigadier generals, conflicts between members of the North Carolina General Assembly over who was to be considered for the positions, and the apparent disinterest of Thomas Burke, one of North Carolina's leading delegates to the Continental Congress, in any of the suggested candidates.": no verb
"desertions. These desertions eventually elicited his personal apology to Greene, as Sumner felt unable to control the ebb of desertions": Repetition. Also, it doesn't sound like desertions were ebbing, it sounds like they were growing.
Sorry, meant to say "ebb of men in camp" or something to that effect. Got tripped up when writing it, I suppose.
"never visited the county during his life": never visited the county
Ah, but what if I told you that legend has it he visited after his death, and on a dark winter's night, some say you can still hear him wheezing and coughing and complaining of his gout...
@Dank:: Thanks for your comments! I've made all the changes suggested, and once again I owe you a debt. Cdtew (talk) 14:54, 3 August 2013 (UTC)
No debt at all. My goals are to have a hand in writing the best military history encyclopedia ever, and to search for consensus on language. Thanks for helping me with those jobs. - Dank (push to talk) 15:18, 3 August 2013 (UTC)
SupportComments: only a couple of minor points from me:
date format inconsistency: "18 March 1785" v. "November 25, 1758"
"File:Sumner monument.jpg": do we have any idea about the date this was taken? The image description page currently doesn't have a date;
typo: "recruit further Contintental soldiers" --> "recruit further Continental soldiers";
typo: "Post-war activites, death, and legacy" --> "Post-war activities, death, and legacy";
is there a page range that could be added to the Bibliography for the Rankin work in Powell? AustralianRupert (talk) 12:08, 5 August 2013 (UTC)
@AustralianRupert:: Many thanks for the review! I believe I have addressed almost all of your concerns at this juncture. See these edits. As for the date the Sumner Monument photo was taken, I haven't a clue. I pulled it from the National Park Service website, assuming that it was a photograph taken during an inventory (thus making it the product of a US Employee). I would guess that it may have been taken between the late 1930's and the mid-1970's. The photo is too small for me to guess any more precisely than that. Let me know if you think that will be an issue. Cdtew (talk) 13:10, 5 August 2013 (UTC)
G'day, I'm not too concerned about the image/date issue, but it might be asked at FAC. Ultimately, though, it seems pretty clear that it is PD. I've added my support above. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 10:05, 6 August 2013 (UTC)