Wikipedia:Yet more Best of BJAODN

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This is a collection of the best jokes and nonsense from Wikipedia:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense. The criterion for a joke getting on this page is simple: at least one Wikipedian actually found it good.

Contents

How can I destroy Sumatra?[edit]

From Wikipedia:Reference desk/Science.

I want to destroy the island of Sumatra in Indonesia. What is the best and quickest way to do this, with cost as low as possibble? Thanks.

Do you mean "destroy" as in "kill all the people", "level all the buildings", or "submerge the entire island into the sea"?
Do your own homework. Students from Supervillian Colleges are also included on our Reference Desk rules.
Incidentally, you might start on our page on Sumatra?
Of course the cheapest (though stiil astronomically expensive) and most humanitarian (though still environmentally disastrous) method is to landfill the Strait of Malacca, which would forever destroy the island of Sumatra, making it instead a peninsula of continental Asia. One would, though, want to dig the Thai Canal first, as the consequences for international shipping would also be pretty serious.
You need a secret base hidden in a hollow volcano, loyal henchstaff, and a hugeass laser weapon. And most important: pump a dozen bullets into the hero first, and only then expound your diabolical plans at great length to his still-warm twitching corpse.
It actually came very close to happening 73,000 years ago - look at Lake Toba and the Toba catastrophe theory. And don't forget the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake, either, which hit Sumatra hardest of all.
Dude! You have foiled all my carefully laid plans. Top Job is going to make short work of you.
Some suggestions are in How to destroy the Earth.
Trade them Paris Hilton for rice.

From The Very Hungry Caterpillar[edit]

The Very Hungry Caterpillar (ISBN 0399226907) is a children's book written by Eric Carle and originally published in 1969. It has proven to be highly popular and has been praised for its use of easy-to-read words which makes it good for teaching young children to read. The story has been translated into over 50 languages and, as of 2005, a copy is sold roughly every 57 seconds (even faster now). It was featured on Sesame Street in the early 1990s.

The book contains 225 words and large, colourful illustrations. It follows a caterpillar as it munches its way through a variety of edibles such as ice cream, salami, watermelon and a lollipop before it finally pupates and emerges as a butterfly. The story teaches the life cycle of a butterfly, counting to 5, the names of the days of the week, and about food. Various interpretations have been placed upon it - for example, it is seen as a transformation story in Cambodia and an anti-capitalist work in the former East Germany.

The original title of the book was to have been A Week with Willi Worm, featuring a bookworm named Willi. However, Carle's editor advised that a green worm would not make a very likable protagonist. George W. Bush has expressed his fondness for the book, and there are rumours of the film rights having been sold for £1 million.

{{spoiler}}

Day 1[edit]

The main character is established. The hungry caterpillar is led to eat a single red apple.

Day 2[edit]

The Caterpillar, unsatisfied with its single red apple is driven on to eat 2 yellow pears.

Day 3[edit]

We see the character devour 3 purple plums. This chapter is one to think about. Are these plums in anyway symbolic? So far in the book, the caterpillar has eaten a fair share of food, but we all know that a caterpillar weighing about 5g, having a length of 4-6cm eating 3 plums that weigh about 100g each, is beyond the realms of possible biology.

This chapter certainly makes us question the way in which we think about the character. Whether this is to be taken literally or as a symbolic gesture is a matter of the reader's choice.

Day 4[edit]

The caterpillar eats 4 strawberries (which is much more possible than chapter 3)

Day 5[edit]

If you were not convinced by chapter 3, then when you see the caterpillar eats 5 whole oranges, you may be tempted to put down the book, however, this is all a build up to the ending.

Day 6[edit]

On this day, the last threads of possible reality are flushed away as the caterpillar devours its way through every known form of confectionery. This is questionable on multiple fronts, such as:

  • How does a simple caterpillar acquire the money needed to buy such large amounts of food? Does she steal the food? If so, how?
  • In a similar fashion to chapter 3, how does a caterpillar ingest all these foods?

We shall never know.

Day 7[edit]

The caterpillar eats one, single leaf. Nothing more, nothing less. This penultimate chapter is probably the most beautiful and significant so far. One single leaf. What the author is doing here is showing the contrast. It seems as though the caterpillar has eaten all it possibly can. All the apples, pears, plums, strawberries, oranges, cakes, muffins, eclairs, and ice creams in the world, but it has yet to eat its most sustainable food source.

Final Chapter[edit]

In this climactic ending of the book, the caterpillar, cocoons itself to come out as a beautiful butterfly. The hungry caterpillar is hungry no more.

Further reading (and watching) for enjoyers of this book:

From "Light Bulb"[edit]

A common misconception about light bulbs is that they emit light, when, in fact, they absorb darkness. This myth is mostly spread by hardcore Christians, although the Catholic Church, and most Protestant churches have taken no stance on the issue. The Eastern Orthodox Church has sided with the scientists, and its followers tend to support them on the issue. What the supporters of the emission theory use as proof is that light bulbs get hot when they are on. Thomas Edison's associate Charles Dickson explained in an early edition of Popular Mechanics that the heat comes from the friction of the darkness entering the glass. Dickson even referred to an interview with the New York Times where Edison explains the darkness absorption. Unfortunately, the issue with the interview has been lost over time, so there is no proof that Edison approved this theory. However, Scientists almost unanimously agree with the absorption theory, so it is considered scientific fact. This does not make the emission theory wrong, but it falls outside of the realm of science.

Saddam Hussein is a chimp[edit]

WikiProject Chimpanzee Wikipedians Saddam is a member of WikiProject Chimpanzee Wikipedians, a WikiProject which aims to give humans as many chimpanzee physical and behavioral qualities as possible.
Mr. Hussein needs to be Monkeyfied. Please format this dictator according to the guidelines laid out at Wikipedia:Guide to layout.


File:Saddam Hussein (107).jpg
I'm a chimp??!?!??!

Moophasa[edit]

Moophasa (or m00phasa) can be used used as a Noun, Adjective or Verb

Examples:

You stupid moophasa! - Noun (used negatively)

That is (so) m00phasa! - Adjective (used either positively or negatively depending on the situation)

m00phasa this! - Verb (positive/negative)

What does it mean?[edit]

It is derived from the character Mufasa of The Lion King (Disney) and is spelled phonetically, but the meaning is not related to the animated character. It can be considered internet slang (and is L33t) but is sometimes spoken. It is not yet a 'household' word, however there are several small groups of people circulating it, so it could soon become extremely popular. The use of '00' instead of 'oo' is used to emphasise the statement's point as with other examples of internet slang (e.g. 'n00b'). m00phasa is mainly used in a positive context, however, some use it negatively.

It is considered to be strictly non-n00b territory. So-called n00bs are not considered worthy of using it as it puts great dishonour upon the most sacred word. In addition, the term m00ph454 means exactly the same thing, with the leet taken 'to the max'.

Etymology of the word[edit]

  1. Mufasa (a character from The Lion King).
  2. m00fasa (leet variant of original word, with new meaning).
  3. m00phasa (Further evolution of leet spelling).
  4. m00ph454 (leet taken 'to the max').

From Liberal Party of Canada and Conservative Party of Canada[edit]

The Liberal Party of Canada article has been popular with politically-minded vandals recently. They're sight gags, so here you go:

The Conservative Party article has also been a target:

  • ... , another Ontario MP, compared abortion to terrorism, having had experience in both areas. [1]

Strings McPickens[edit]

Strings McPickens was an American folk hero and banjo player, renowned for his skill on the instrument and his acts as a vigilante of the Southern States.

Early Years[edit]

Due to the fact that his parents were obsessive record keepers, as were most of the McPickenses of Salt Lick, Kentucky, we know for certain that Strings was born at precisely 7:53 AM on the morning of February 2, 1822, in Salt Lick. Young Strings was given a banjo on his first birthday, and reportedly played a burning hot riff the second it was placed in his hands.

After this point, the legend of Strings McPickens, the "Boy Bluegrass Prodigy" spread around the state of Kentucky. Unfortunately for the young McPickens, his underprotective parents were short on money and sold him to a traveling circus at the age of six. Strings was required to play banjo music for the traveling entourage, and it is here that he honed his Banjo-skills and his sense for justice. Strings also became an apprentice to a Japanese immigrant ninja, and by the age of 15, was a fully trained ninja, schooled in the art of assassination by fists and 12-bar bluegrass scales. It is of note that he also developed an affinity for honey-marmalade sandwiches.

Strings McPickens eventually became the star of the traveling circus, drawing crowds from all parts of Kentucky. A young Abraham Lincoln declared Strings "a damn good show, and worth the money too."


A Sense of Justice[edit]

At the age of 18, Strings McPickens quit the circus and returned to his beloved home of Salt Lick, only to find that the local river had been diverted by an agricultural conglomerate to provide for an upstate canal. Needless to say, Strings was enraged. He turned to his only solace, the banjo. He played his favorite tune, "Straw Doll Hootenanny" and suddenly, the refrain of the song caused a sort of sonic boom, which destroyed the dam on the river and sent it back flowing on its original path.

The townspeople, in a state of torpor from the lack of water, rejoiced. Strings was hailed as the local hero, and when asked why he chose to play the banjo, said "I guess it was my overwhelming sense of justice."

Strings realized at this point that he needed to spread the news about water waste, and set out once again from Salt Lick to other parts of the country that were building canals and dams and the like.


1840-1865[edit]

In the antebellum years, Strings McPickens traveled extensively in the region from Kentucky to Alabama, proclaiming the need for water preservation with "righteous good banjo stylin'" as was said by the Mobile Bugle-Reporter in an article dated 15 October 1844. Strings also composed heavily during this time (including such gems as "Crawfish Creek Reel", "H to the Ootenanny" and "Square Dance In My Pants"), and was so prolific that James K. Polk invited McPickens to the White House in 1845 for a jam in the Oval Office.

In 1853, a series of incidents in which water was stolen from wells in Knox County, Tennessee prompted Strings to travel there, banjo in hand, to stop something which was, according to a letter he wrote, "totally not cool." McPickens arrived there, but was outsmarted by the fiendish villains; he was tricked into giving his banjo away in a local saloon, thus being left weaponless. The water stealers thought they had found Strings' achilles heel, however Strings was born with a deformity that left him without heels, thus this was an impossibility. Also, Strings was trained in the arts of ninja, and succeeded in taking out all of the water stealers, and resupplied the wells, on the stipulation that water not be wasted.

However, tension was spreading throughout the country, and it wasn't about water; it was about States' Rights. As the American Civil War broke out, Strings McPickens transferred to Canada. There, he met John MacDonald, future leader of Canada, at a tavern in Ottowa. They shared a few drinks and then parted ways. After becoming slightly inebriated, McPickens fell into a wooden crate full of shipments to Great Britain. It wasn't until 3 months later that McPickens awoke in a warehouse in Plymouth. Unsure of what country he was in, Strings began plucking the banjo and was greeted with jeers, one of which was along the lines of: "You crazy bloke, it's 1864 and we're already into the Strokes."

However, not all Britons were part of the country's trendy music scene. Queen Victoria took a liking to Strings' bluegrass banjo, and invited him to Buckingham Palace to be knighted and presented with a his famous BANJO OF GOLD. He then returned to America, just in time to be the opening act for Grant and Lee at Appomattox.


Growing Fame & The Bear Incident[edit]

After the Civil War, Strings decided it was time for a cross country tour, which he performed in from 1866-7. Bluegrass was at its height of popularity, and Strings was never better.

In 1868, Strings decided he would quit touring, and live a life of relaxation and leisure on a Mississippi steamboat until the end of his days.

Unfortunately, it was also in 1868 that the infamous Bear Uprising took place in western North Carolina, eventually coming to the point where hordes of angry bears would raid frontier villages. The governor of North Carolina, remembering from grade school days that a grizzly was always a sucker for a little bit o' bluegrass, summoned Strings to save his state.

The trail led to the King of the Bears, one Harley IronClaw, who bided his time in a cave deep in the Great Smokey Mountains. McPickens followed a trail of honey and sandwich crusts to the gigantic cave of the mammoth bear, and entered. He played a few echoey banjo chords, but the bear had outsmarted him; he had worn earplugs. Of course, Strings couldn't play ninjas with a bear, so he was at a loss.

Strings was lucky that he hadn't eaten lunch that day; it was still in his pocket, a honey marmalade sandwich. Bears love marmalade, but the only thing they love more than marmalade is honey. The King of the Bears smelled the delicious nectar, and made a mess of the sandwich. His earplugs fell out, and Strings let loose a stunning bluegrass medley, thereby stunning the bear.

Strings took the captured bear all the way back to the Governor's Mansion in Raleigh. Unfortunately, Stings hadn't killed the massive bear, but had rather sedated it. It came to life in the Governor's office, and went on an angry rampage, killing the beloved Governor and two of his aides. The bear left the building and escaped into the horizon.

Strings was reviled in the press, despite his stunning display of cunning in capturing the bear. He retreated ashamedly to his estate in Southern Kentucky, swilling in an abundance of bourbons and whiskeys. Stings made no contacts with the outside world for 10 years, beginning in 1868, though there were reports of banjos echoing through the forests around his home.

In 1878 Strings was summoned to north Texas to spread bluegrass among the Native Americans there, as a part of a process of cultural assimilation. While most tribes reacted poorly to this, the Comanches readily adopted Strings songs as part of their religious canon, and named their reservation after him. Stings was beginning to see an upward turn in his life, and throughout the 1880s was asked to perform several concerts and guest speaking gigs.

At his heart, however, was justice, and throught the period Strings saved several local towns from the encroachment of big business.

Decline And Fall[edit]

By the 1890s, bluegrass was fast being replaced by ragtime as the music of choice. Stings McPickens was regularly shunned by the press and his own statesmen. His actions for saving the towns of South Kentucky were beginning to be largely ignored, and his BANJO OF GOLD was becoming slightly out of tune.

By 1900, the advent of a new folk hero, Maple-Leaf Mortimer, had completed the eclipse of Strings McPickens. The last public appearance Strings made was on April 15, 1901 at the Bowling Green Municipal City Hall playing the old-time favorite, "Straw Doll Hootenanny." After this, McPickens walked into the sunset, never to be seen again.

It has been said that Strings stumbled upon the Fountain of Youth in north Alabama, or that rock and roll acted as a sort of rejuvenation for Strings, and that he lives on, whether in body or through spirit. We may never know.

While most people acknowledge that Strings McPickens may be gone for good, if you ask any old-timer, they'll tell you, if you listen very closely, deep in the Kentucky wood at midnight on certain June evenings, you might just here the plaintive refrains of a lonely banjo, playing "Straw Doll Hootenanny." And maybe, just maybe, that's good old Strings McPickens, still pickin' away at them thar banjo.

From Baha'i humor[edit]

The Bahá'í Faith is an independent world religion and it seems reasonable to expect it to possess a body of jokes and other examples of humor, as other religions do. This page will attempt to document this.

The Pioneer[edit]

Necessary background:
  1. Bahá'í pioneers are not missionaries, but unpaid volunteers who move to another region which lacks Bahá'ís.
  2. A Local Spiritual Assembly (LSA) must have a minimum of 9 adult Bahá'ís. Bahá'ís have been known to move in order to allow various LSA's to continue functioning.
  3. The "Remover of Difficulties" is a short prayer revealed by the Báb, it is one of the most commonly known Bahá'í prayers.

A Bahá'í pioneer was trespassing through the jungle of some tropical country, when suddenly he found himself surrounded by naked men with bones through their noses, waving spears. They tied him up and threw him in a stew-pot, then started piling firewood underneath. Drums sounded. In desperation the pioneer began reciting the "remover of difficulties" prayer. Suddenly the drumming stopped. One cannibal looked at another and said "Hey guys! I think we've just found the ninth member of our Local Spiritual Assembly!"

Miscellaneous two-liners[edit]

Necessary background:
  1. Bahá'í bookstores sell numerous t-shirts, bumper stickers, and buttons with messages advocating world peace, an end to racism, "one world", and so on.
  2. The Bahá'ís see their sacred history as beginning with the Bábí movement (1844-1852), though recognizing it to be a separate religion from their own.

Q. What did they have before Bahá'í buttons were invented?

A. Bábí pins! (sounds like "bobby pins")

Necessary background:
Bahá'u'lláh's writings are called "tablets" (lawh).

Q. Why don't Bahá'ís get headaches?

A. Because Bahá'u'lláh gave them Tablets!

Necessary background:
`Abdu'l-Bahá, the son of Bahá'u'lláh, traveled through Europe and the United States shortly before World War I, giving talks on Bahá'í themes. He is referred to reverently as "the Master."

Q. How did `Abdu'l-Bahá finance his trip across America and Europe?

A. With Master-Card!

Columbus[edit]

The following story is from Vignettes

'`Abdu'l-Bahá told a Bahá'í to prepare to go to India to teach the Faith. So he prepared by studying Indian culture, languages, etc. But at the last minute, the Master changed his mind and decided to send him to America.

"But I thought I was going to India," said the Pioneer.

`Abdu'l-Bahá answered, "So did Columbus."

Entering Heaven[edit]

Necessary Background: Huqúqu’lláh (literally "the right of God", Arabic حقوق الله) is a voluntary Bahá'í religious wealth tax analogous to the Islamic Zakat. In this joke it is significant mainly for being difficult to spell.

A Christian, Muslim, and Bahá'í all die at the same time. They come upon the gates of Heaven, and the angel Gabriel greets them and says "To enter Heaven you must answer one question correctly. If you get it right, you can enter. If you get it wrong, you will fall into a fiery abyss."

The Christian steps up, and Gabriel asks, "Who is the most recent Manifestation of God on earth?" The Christian confidently responds "Jesus Christ, the Son of God" Suddenly the ground opens and swallows him up.

The Muslim steps up, and Gabriel asks, "Who is the most recent Manifestation of God on earth?" The Muslim confidently responds "Muhammad, the Apostle of God" Suddenly the ground opens and swallows him up.

The Bahá'í steps up, and Gabriel asks, "Spell Huqúqu’lláh."

Sinking Ship[edit]

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were out sailing on a small boat, when they got caught up in a tempest and the boat capsized. The Christian began to pray out loud, "Dear Lord, please send this infernal Muslim to his death and save me." The Muslim also began to pray out loud, "Oh God, grant your favor on me, and let this wretched Christian drown in the sea." When they asked the Jew why he wasn't praying, he responded, "I trust God will answer your prayers."

Travelling Teachers[edit]

Two Bahá'í travelling teachers were in a small town, looking for a place to stay. The only place for rent was the basement of an old house that had a reputation for being haunted. They took the place and moved in. The neighbors were curious to see how long they would be able to stay in the haunted basement. A week passed, then two. The travelling teachers showed no signs of moving out. Finally, someone came and asked them how they could bear to stay, and weren't they afraid of the ghosts? "Oh no," one of the teachers replied, "We're Bahá'ís." "What does being Bahá'ís have to do with it?" the questioner inquired. "Well, you see, Bahá'u'lláh said, 'Fear not abasement...'"

The Veteran[edit]

Necessary Background: Bahá'ís do not drink alcoholic beverages.

An old WWII vet went to his local watering hole once a week on Fridays and ordered three beers. He did this every week for some years, and became a familiar sight to the bartender. One evening, curiosity got the best of the bartender, and he asked the old man, "why do you come here and get three beers every single Friday?". The old man laughed and said "well, when I was in WWII, my two best buddies and I agreed that wherever we were, we would get three beers every Friday- one for each of us. That way, we always remember one another." The bartender smiled, thanked the old man for the explanation, and said goodbye to him as he left the bar. The next week, the old man walked in as usual, climbed onto his favorite barstool, and said hello to the bartender, who'd already set aside three beers. "Actually," said the veteran, "this week, I will only be needing two beers." The bartender was stunned by the change in routine and stuttered "b-b-but why only two? Please don't tell me one of your buddies died." With a smile on his face, the old man replied, "No no, it's because I'm a Baha'i now!"

From Wikipedia:Vandalism[edit]

Vandalism is any addition, deletion, multiplication, division (by zero), or change to content made in a deliberate attempt to compromise the integrity of the encyclopedia, what little there is. The most common type of vandalism is the replacement of existing text with obscenities, page blanking, or the insertion of other wholly irrelevant content, no matter how funny and awesome it is.

Comcast (religion)[edit]

The red C of Comcast, along with the name of both the religion and the god, Comcast

Overview[edit]

With an estimated 3 followers, Comcast is arguably the smallest religion with more than one follower in the world. It is derived from the prophet of Comcast, Dylan Clark, along with an associate of Dylan, hearing Comcast talk to him in a locker room of Wayside, a Racquetball, Tennis and Swimming club in Marlboro, Massachusetts. The holy book of Comcast is called the Handbook.

Followers of the Comcast religion are known as Comcastinites.

Denominations[edit]

Currently, the only belief denominated from Comcast is the Church of Comcast itself. It is believed that there will be more as the religion becomes more popular.

Beliefs[edit]

There are quite a few beliefs of Comcast.

Promises of Comcast[edit]

All Comcastinites believe that Comcast has three absolute promises for all followers of the religion: all followers will get free movies, TV shows and eternal bliss for life. Some other minor promises also exist, such as high speed internet being usable the day you obtain it.

The Afterlife[edit]

The belief of the afterlife of Comcast is composed of two areas: the Tetranity Heaven, where Comcastinites go, and the Outsider Hell, where non-believers are sent.

The Tetranity Heaven is composed of three areas: High Speed Internet to the north, DVR to the east, Cable to the south and On Demand to the west. Spirits that dwell in the Tetranity Heaven can go between each section freely. Many believe that the Tetranity Heaven is a city on clouds, with TVs in each section but High Speed Internet, where TVs are replaces with computers.

The Outsider Hell is just one section. It is run by the demons TiVo and Verizon, who are eternally trapped in the fiery depths of Outsider Hell along with non-believers of Comcast. Many believe that the Outsider Hell, in appearance, is a fiery cavern with lots of torture chambers with computers with slow Verizon Broadband internet and the hellish TiVo DVR.

A drawing of the future Comcast Center, drawn by Comcast himself

Worship and practices[edit]

Every Friday, Comcastinites must meditate for at least 10 minutes in a row. The meditation stance is unique: the right hand must be in a position as if it were holding a Comcast TV/Cable remote, and the other as if it were gripping popcorn over a bowl of it. You must allow Comcast to stream Comcast cable or On Demand into your brain, so you can see the shows and movies. An alternate way of meditating, involving Comcast High Speed Internet streaming....

From Al queda number 3[edit]

Known as "al Qaeda's #3 Man" in highly expert nomenclature which is incomprehensible to anyone except for those in the field of 'Pataphysics.

Mythical creature, such as the unicorn or bunyip. In official U.S. parlance, usually mentioned by the government or state run television "journalists", the capture or killing of this creature usually is seen as a milestone and turning point in the war on terror (see iraqi elections). The "al qaeda's #3 man" position is much like the hapless drummer position in seminal rock band Spinal Tap, a thankless position which has an extremely high turnover rate. Al Qaeda #1 man, of course is Osama bin Laden, while #2 man is Ayman al-Zawahiri. The reason for choosing #3, is that it sounds very high ranking, while low enough for the general public to not ask any questions about the person's actual identity prior to the announcement of his "demise". In societies with a functional investigative journalism apparatus (sometimes known as democracies), the idea of a repeatedly killed and captured "al Qaeda's #3 Man" would be ludicrous. However, in plutocracies such as the former United States of America, this is very easily acheived, especially during superbowl or some other merkin secular holiday.


List of former Al Qaeda #3 men[edit]

With the exception of one operative, the al quaeda #3 men have all been biological males.

  • Abu Ali al-Harithi Sometime during the Gay 90s or the roaring 20s. Only signed up as a gag during a drunken binge. When he woke up the next day, not only was he al-Qaeda's #3, he also had an unsightly tattoo of the words "Smile now, cry later" on his left buttock. This is a definite no-no in islamist circles. Currently resides in Austria-Hungary with live-in manny (male nanny)

Characteristics[edit]

al-Qaeda #3

Alignment: Usually chaotic evil
Hit Dice: 6d8+36 (63 hp)
Type: Ooze
Attack: Claw +9 melee (1d6+6)
Abilities: Str 23, Dex 14, Con -, Int 1, Wis 1, Cha 1
Skills: Listen +5, Spot +6
'"CR:'" Ranging from 1 to 50.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Internet al-Qaeda Bullshit Generator: [2]

Borgism[edit]

A borgism a type of joke that usually follows the format of "I am (celebrity) of borg, you will be ________"

Examples[edit]

"I am Jesse Jackson of Borg. Resistance is moot."

"I am Ross Perot of Borg. Resistance is like trying to maintain your crops when you've got a swarm of locusts coming at you and flooding like we had in Iowa this year. There is just no way a farmer can stand against such great odds. That's the same way it'll be for you."

"I am Bush sr. of Borg. You will be assimilated into a kinder, gentler Borg."

"I am a salesman of Borg. You will buy Amway."

"I am Al Gore of Borg. You will be environated."

"I am Bill Clinton of Borg. You will be taximilated."

"Hi-ho! This is Kermit of Borg!"

"I am Homer simpson of Borg. You will be..... oooH! Doughnuts!"

"I am Heisenborg. You will probably be assimilated."

"I am Popeye of Borg. You will be askimilgrated."

"I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be aswimiwated."

"I am Porky pig of Borg. You will be as-s-sim, as-s-sim, oh forget it".

"I am Richard Simmons of Borg. You will be ASS-stimulated."

"I am Hugh of Borg. We want to assimilate Troi. Geordi is our friend. He can watch."

"Yoda of Borg am I. Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, I will."

"I am Pat Sajak of Borg. R_sist_nc_ is futil_."

"I am Alax Trebek of Borg. For $200, it starts with "R" and is futile."

"I am Barney of Borg. Being assimilated is fun."

"I am Kirk of Borg, I...WILL......assimilate....YOU"

"Daffy Duck of Borg "Yooouuuuuuuuuuu'rrrrrre Irrelivant!""

"Borg, James Borg. Vodka martini, gin is irrelevant."

"Assimilate me tender" - Elvis of Borg.

"I am Muhammad of Borg. You will be Islamized!"

"We all sleep in a single subroutine". --The Borgtles, minus 2 of 4

"Elmer Fudd of Borg: Hunting wabbits is iwwelevant".

"I am Mr. Rogers of Borg, can you say assimilate?"

"I am dyslexia of Borg. Your ass will be laminated"

"I am Sailor Moon of Borg. In the name of love and justice, you will be assimilated."

"I am Darth Vader of Borg. I am your father. And your mother. And your uncle. Resistance is futile."

"I am Luke Skywalker of Borg. I am a Borg like my father before me."

"I am Bart Simpson of Borg. It's futile to have a cow,man!"

"I am Scotty of Borg.I canna change the laws of Physics,ca'pin!Resistance is futile"

"I am Doctor McCoy of Borg.Dammit,Jim.I'm a doctor not an assimilator!"

"I am Bjorn of Borg.You will lose this match.Resistance is futile."

Might I add: "I am Jimmy Wales of Borg. You will be assimilated. Click "edit this page" to begin.

Courageism[edit]

Courageism (kûr uj ism), n.

A twenty-first century response to terrorism characterized by a resolution to take the risk of suffering terrorist violence rather than avoid that risk by appeasement.

From Wikipedia:Articles for deletion/Courageism:

  • Delete I didn't know Bush had a Wiki account

From the Main Page Talk Archives (ghosts)[edit]

I saw this in the Main Page's Talk Archives, and I was surprised that no-one had put it up:

HELP![edit]

al0 ppl! i ave a gh0st in me h0use i saw it in ma bathr00m! i saw it, it w0z a little girl nd she luked cute... except she woz DEAD!!! i had just got out da bath so we had condensation on da tiles nd she rote HELP ME! nd i screamed nd ran nd slammed the door shut but she just went thru the wall followin me!!! shes behind me now! SHE SES HELP ME!! oh no help me ahhhhh...

You might find our article on ghosts useful. Sum0 23:20, 4 November 2005 (UTC)
If, in this case, there are ghosts located within the area in which you live, whom should you contact? :)--Sean|Black 23:59, 4 November 2005 (UTC)
Have the chavs discovered Wikipedia now? - Sensor 00:08, 5 November 2005 (UTC)
Please take a photograph of the ghost to illustrate our Ghost article (be sure to ask her permission first). — Knowledge Seeker 03:28, 5 November 2005 (UTC)
You don't have to ask permission if she died in the USA prior to 1927, or if she was an employee of / murdered by an evil conspiracy involving the U.S. Government. — Johantheghost 16:55, 8 November 2005 (UTC)


From Talk:2005 Atlantic hurricane season/October[edit]

Well,the future can hold anything from

AN AREA OF DISTURBED WEATHER IS BEGINNING TO SHOW SIGNS OF ORGANIZATION

to

WINDS OF INCONCEIVABLY CATASTROPHIC HURRICANE GODZILLA REACH SUPERSONIC SPEED...HURRICANE HUNTER AIRCRAFT LOST AFTER REPORTING EXPLOSION OF DROPSONDE IN CENTRAL VACUUUM...PRESIDENT ORDERS EVACUATION OF CENTRAL AND EASTERN TIME ZONES...MOST OF FLORIDA WILL BE UNDERWATER BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS...IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD...THAT'S ALL FOLKS!--Louis E./le@put.com/12.144.5.2 22:58, 27 October 2005 (UTC)

From WP:AN/I: User declaring himself to be a Crip...[edit]

Now that we've got our little nice discussion out of the way, hopefully... User:Thousandsons has, on his user page, a declaration that he's a member of the Crips -- a criminal street gang, by California's definition, and I'm sure by many other jurisdictions'. The question is -- is there a policy against such a declaration on a user page? If so, what might be an appropriate action to take about this? --Nlu (talk) 07:06, 21 March 2006 (UTC)

IMO harmless until he starts trolling. NSLE (T+C) at 07:14 UTC (2006-03-21)
If he starts dealing drugs on out-of-the-way talk pages, or does a drive-by shooting of house, then call the cops. Otherwise, treat him like any other user. --Carnildo 09:22, 21 March 2006 (UTC)
Hmmm... This user has both red and blue on his user page. Maybe he's just a part-time Crip, or was placed in a position in the organization through a temp-agency. He probably just does clerical work, or maybe he logs minutes in Blood beatdowns. --Jeffrey O. Gustafson - Shazaam! - <*> 09:53, 21 March 2006 (UTC)
Present: Ice Dogg, CaPiTaL lEtTa AlTeRnAtA, Madd Hamsta, Masta Bater
Apologies: E-Z Vauxhall Driver
Secretary: Thousand Sons
1. Beatdown productivity down by 12% on last month. Madd Hamsta to look into. Suggested this may be a temporary blip resulting from the recent shift of focus from 'critical' to 'lyrical' beatdowns.
2. Ice Dogg complained that CaPiTaL lEtTa AlTeRnAtA had owed the crack kitty $2.67 for two months. AlTeRnAtA replied that Dogg could "stuff it up his ass in pennies". A full and frank exchange of views was held.
3. Full and frank exchange of views aborted due to running out of bullets.
4. Mad Hamsta to order more bullets.
5. Any other business: Masta Bater questioned the long-standing constitutional policy of "Bros before hos". Argued that this was unrealistic, and that particularly fine hos should surely take precedence over some particularly fronting bros. Agreed to form a sub-committee to research how fine a ho needs to be. Members and budget to be decided later.
Next meeting will be 28th March 2006 if anyone is still alive. Agenda will be posted with a spraycan on the side of the Church of St Gareth of Glitter. --Sam Blanning (formerly Malthusian) (talk) 10:44, 21 March 2006 (UTC)

From Lewis Carroll photo caption[edit]

Lewis Carroll speaking on a cellular phone.


Rogue Jello[edit]

Rogue Jello is when a gelatin desert, most commonly Jello, 'eludes' the individual attempting to consume it by leaping from the utensil, such as a spoon, fork, spork, or in some circumstances, the hand of the consumer. Upon 'escaping' the Jello will fall to the table, lap of the consumer, or the ground. If the Jello is not consumed, and instead thrown away or been disposed of it has ‘succeeded’. But if it is the consumed, by a pet or animal or person, the escapee has failed.

The True da Vinci Code: The da Wiki Code[edit]

In the book The da Vinci Code, Dan Brown suggests that you can outline an M in the painting of The Last Supper:

File:LastSupperM.jpg

The presence of the M is dubious at best. A much clearer letter can be outlined:

File:LastSupperW.jpg

As any historian will tell you, the W stands for Wikipedia. Leonardo da Vinci foresaw this great online encyclopedia, affectionately known in Italian as "da Wiki". It has been suggested that the code for Wikipedia is based on some of da Vinci's plans for a mechanical freely editable encyclopedia that would have, at the time, been the size of seven football fields.

Taco Bell Monster[edit]

File:TBM mike3.JPG
A slogan poster of the TBM conservation league (TBMCL)
One of the few natural pictures of a TBM

The Origins of the Creature

There are few unexplained mythological beasts left in our modern world, and the Taco Bell monster is one of them. It is referred to by many names (e.g: T.B.M or The Horror From Beyond the Border), the most frightening being the one given by the native population that inhabits the lands of northern Mexico which it roams: El Diablo de Las Granjas. The name commonly used in the United States (Taco Bell Monster) is derived from the simple fact that all the meats needed to make the chalupas, quesadillas, etc. of Taco Bell (beef OR chicken) are derived from this single organism. Therefore, it has a positive connotation and has endeared itself to North American hearts.

A More Sinister Nature?

However, the Mexican name (translated 'Devil of the Farms') implies that the creature has a more sinister nature that those north of the border are oblivious to. While we have no credible sources of the creature's true behavioral patterns, attention must be paid to these claims of the supposedly violent or dangerous animal. It has replaced the Chupacabra as the more modern scourge of Mexico, its legend being constantly whispered throughout the country.

A Vital Link in History's Chain

The animal is thought to have lived for more than millions of years in its native home, and fossil evidence supports that the cow/chicken hybrid has indeed been around for a very long time. While seemingly insignificant, the creature has played many important roles in world history. During the Siege of Tenochtitlan in 1519, these animals are said to have fought alongside the Aztec warriors to try to dispel the conquistadors, led by Cortés, from their shores. A touching memoir was left by one warrior that opens our eyes to the bond that developed between man and beast during this great battle:

"And the Diablos, they ask for nothing in return for their services. I feel they are just as pasisonate as I in defending my homeland. They attack the white men with fury such that I have never seen before....when one falls in battle, a piece of myself dies along with it because I feel that they are the embodiment of the Aztec Spirit, that we will fight to the death and with all our resources to dispell these murderers from our great city"

A Turbid Future

There is no doubt that the animals have helped the Mexican people in the past, but as of late they have apparently turned on their former ally and become a renegade species. What caused this is unclear, but the mass slaughter of these animals to supply the Taco Bell's demands may be a contributing factor.

The T.B.M has been mass-hunted to meet the demands of the U.S., and so its numbers are declining every day. Once proud herds of these indigenous and majestic beats have been reduced to small family groups, and no one if sure how long this animal can continue to exist, with Taco Bell being such a popular restaurant.

A Ray of Hope Some people have taken up the T.B.M cause and are fighting for its conservation. While it is uncertain just how much activists can do to help, its never a bad idea to try. Perhaps one day the Taco Bell Monster can return to being the proud species it once was....only time will tell.


From WP:BJAODN main page[edit]

Hello. I like rusty penis.

From Paris Hilton[edit]

Disputed
The factual accuracy of part of this article is disputed.
The dispute is about Paris being a real actress or singer .
Please see the relevant discussion on the talk page.

Poorly built rocket bus[edit]

Poorly Built Rocket Bus are pioneers of eggplant core and consist of Jamster (on bass and programming) and Telemechanicomnicon (on 'vocals').

Most of the songs are formed in twenty minute periods where one member yells out a sentence and a rhyme is thought up later to form a couplet. Most of the basslines are 'all over the place' and are based around a skip rhythm, which gives a 'skip' feel of leading into the next part of the song.

Their lyrical themes are ghosts, monsters, fish, sea monsters and all kinds of waterfowl.

This is a quote from their song "Improbable Love Story", which was started when Jamster said "He was a spooky ghost" to which Telemechanicomnicon answered "She was a piece of toast!"

A doctor or a plumber is the one that you betroth. In fact, just marry Mario because I hear he's both."

The band plans to write a full length opera chronicling the life of Voltar, who slays a car made up to look like a dragon, which proceeds to drive off the stage in defeat.

From Myers Park High School[edit]

The Bathrooms[edit]

SC - (New Wing) - Because this is in one of the newer buildings its bathroom is better furnished and has more overall appeal. Nice tile on the floors and walls make it easy to clean, which it often is. The "push" faucets in for the sinks are certainly a nuisance but can be quickly mastered after years of experience.

         1 Men's, 1 Women's
         4th Overall (great size, location, and cleanliness make it one of MP's top 5)

(Old Wing) - These bathrooms show a significant amount of aging and what seems like less attention to cleanliness. Most doors shut and lock making them still somewhat manageable which is understandable considering they are the closest bathrooms to the Cafeteria

         2 Men's, 2 Women's
         7th Overall (location is very common, but for some reason it gets less attention than it deserves)

S Building - The only knock common to these bathrooms is availability. Although there are two for each gender (one on each floor), each bathroom only has 4 stalls (or combination of stalls and urinals), making for frequent lines. New to 2006 are the replacement of the old "push" faucets making them much more user friendly. Because of the proximity to classes, it is an absolute necessity that these are kept absolutely clean - and the custodial staff does so amazingly.

         2 Men's, 2 Women's
         5th Overall (although frequently clean and new, lower its appeal)

LA Building - An obvious artifact from the older campus. The entire LA building has 1 bathroom for each gender. Being the link from the lower campus to the upper campus, the LA building has the most traffic per minute between classes of all the buildings. If a student hopes to drop trow in the classic language building, he or she should arrive quickly! Lines are known to be commonly over 4-5 people long for the Men and easily reaching 10 for the women. All time records include 11 for the Men during the PSAT of '02 and 16 for the Women between Final Exams '04. Again, because so many people constantly use these restrooms, they are given much attention but are also trashed fairly quickly.

        1 Men's, 1 Women's
        8th Overall (most commonly used and it shows)

CB Building - Part of the lower campus, this building has two stories but only one squatspot for each Men and Women. Buried in the upper level like a cave, the lack of lighting can often resonate the same aura. These bathrooms commonly have technical malfunctions including broken flushers and broken faucets. Because they never have paper towels, it is obvious that the staff doesnt pay this one an adequate amount of attention.

        1 Mens', 1 Women's
        9th Overall (grossly under sized but relatively clean considering the traffic)

Math Building - The butt of all bathroom jokes. This place is a mess. Doors that dont close or lock, papertowel dispensers older than Mr. Eisenmann, and the memory of the $.25 a blow incident of '04, all taint this hole. Given that the Math building isn't one of the nicer buildings, it's bathrooms completely shame the Subject of Numbers. The location relative to the entrance to the building also create mass hysteria when lines begin to accumulate out each door. The Math's Can is notorious for being a place to not spend more than 90 seconds.

        1 Men's, 1 Women's
        13th Overall (horrid smelling, rust encompassed, and completely inadequate)

Vocational, Technical, Physics- The remainder of the lower campus each bring up the rest of the bottom 4 ranking just better than Math because each gets considerably less use than #13. The technical building's restrooms are quaint 2-seaters, which can cause major log-jams if closer bathrooms aren't used. The Vocational Building could easily be worse than Math building if it was more commonly used. Overall it lacks the facilities (2 person per bathroom), cleanliness, and useful appliances (ie mirrors). Physics, which falls between CB and Vocational, is the last of the old campus and although it's clearly dated an well overdue for a facelift, it is kept well stocked and lacks most traffic. All of the lower campus could deal with a few adjusted screws and fixed doors but overall if you are in the lower campus, you can definitely find a personal throne.

         1 Men's, 1 Women's (each)
         10th, 11th, 12th (old, but not as commonly used as others)

Auditorium - Not to be confused with the performing arts building, this entrance to MP's auditorium has some of the cleanest bathrooms. Placed on either side of the entrance, it is essential that these get thorough cleaning before and after each event held on the stage. Because not many classes are held in the auditorium itself, the doors are often locked to the entrance making these bathrooms highly inaccessible during school hours. If one were to input much energy into his task, he would definitely be rewarded with privacy comparable to home.

         1 Men's, 1 Women's
         3rd Overall (Privacy and well kept)

Auditorium - Performing Arts Classes - Where the chorus, theatre, band, and orchestra classes are held, this buildings bathrooms have seen much worse. Lines can accumulate in the 4 stalled, old-style restrooms, but because it is more or less reserved for 3 classrooms, too long of a wait is uncommon. The sinks work well and the bathrooms are constantly stocked with necessities.

         1 Men's, 1 Women's
         5th Overall (The highest any old campus building could get, it is a great example of attention causing comfort)

Gym - These bathrooms are much more like rooms. Huge, spacious areas inside are very accomodating for large crowds. Because people from outside the school's staff and student body see these restrooms, they are clean and stocked. Full mirros, "turn on" faucets, and the ability to hold 10 people make these divine. Much like the Auditorium, the entrance to the upstairs facilities is often kept locked during school hours making it hard to get to but well worth the effort.

         1 Men's, 1 Women's (Each huge)
         2nd Overall (New building style, constant attention to cleanliness, and high privacy)

AG Building- The administration and guidance building truly brings meaning to the word "throne." Although it is right off of the hall from the front office to the attendance office, these spots are scarcely used. This can be attributed to the consideration that the main citizens of the AG building are staff members who have access to staff bathrooms. The public facilities show sanitation equal to that of home. Clean seats, warm water, and mopped floors all reflect the lack of use the building's restrooms receive. Well worth the 4 minute hike from almost anywhere on campus.

         1 Men's, 1 Women's
         1st Overall

-TC '07

From Dobigh[edit]

This page is stupid and cannot be displayed The page you are looking for sucks and is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, you may need to adjust your browser settings or it might suck. Alternativley, you may need to adjust your monitor or it will probably blow up.


Please try the following:

Click the Refresh button, or smash your computer with a large hammer. (preferably a sledge hammer) If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly, you stupid idiotic moron. To check your connection settings, open case with a screw driver then, fill with gasoline. Now take a match and proceed to ignite. The settings should match those provided by your local crazy arsonist (LCA) administrator and Internet service provider (ISP). Because your Network Administrator is an idiot, Microsoft Windows can examine your network and automatically screw everything up. If you would like Windows to screw everything up, click Screw everything up. Otherwise if you are getting really mad now, you could try to launch a nuclear bomb - this can easily be done by any teenager with an Internet connection. If you are a hippy or a religious amway salesperson, you could just be a stupid idiot, or you could just be incredibly crap - you need to shoot yourself and will your estate to Bill Gates. Some sites require Windows to suck more than normal. Click the Windows menu and then click Windows suck rate to determine what strength "Suck" you have installed. Other sites have more crap than others. Click the Windows menu and then click Internet rubbish rate to determine how much "crap" you have installed. If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure you are not running Windows. (You Fool - you probably already have a virus) You need to click the My Computer menu, and then right click Drive C:. On the Menu select "Format". Click the Back button to try another link.

Cannot find server or DNS Error Internet Exploder

From Cat in the Hat[edit]

Before you start...[edit]

Read the articles Hoenn, Sootopolis City, Gyarados, Natu, Porygon and Safari Zone. Now, read this weird thing! TTV (MyTV|PolygonZ|Green Valley) 23:16, 4 November 2006 (UTC)

The vandalism[edit]

Dr. Seuss is transfered to Sootopolis City, where a bunch of cats push Dr. Seuss down a cliff. Then he lands inside water where a Gyarados is almost about to eat him whole until Pookeyman captures it. Then Dr. Seuss is free for a while ... then he appears in the night, touching peoples faces. Then he touches that kid who said Sonic Riders was for kids races and that kid gets freaked out and calls the bolice! "THIS IS BOLICE!!!" the bolice said and the police sent Dr. Seuss to jail until he came back to say "I will touch your face! And when the moonlight leaves and the dawn settles, you will know you've been visited!" to people. Then one night, when he was trying to go to Blue Kirby's house, Magna Centipede came saying "MAGNA BREAKOUT CENTIPEDE!!!" and scared him away. Dr. Seuss tried to call for help but then Sonja, Jess, and Eagle sent out their armies towards Dr. Seuss. THEY SENT BOMBERS, NEOTANKS, AND ROCKET LAUNCHERS AT DR. SEUSS!!! Dr. Seuss was shot some but then chased more by them and Magna Centipede. Then a few Natus came. Since he wasn't near, but was still a pain, Natu still wanted to kill people. Natu told Dr. Seuss to go to the Safari Zone up in Hoenn and gave him a bike and told him how to use it. Dr. Seuss went to Safari Zone still while being chased by Magna Centipede, Eagle, Sonja, and Jess. Then Dr. Seuss ended up in Safari Zone. When Dr. Seuss went to Safari Zone and then the Axbot appeared singing a lame Lumberjack song which the Missile launcher instantly destroyed. Then Xatu appeared yelling out "I R SNIPE UR HEAD OFF!!!" and Dr. Seuss was severely injured afterwards. Black Mage tried to appear but Magna Centipede told him no and to tell him to try it later. Magna Centipede then grabbed Dr. Seuss and told him to go to the nearest T Copter and "to go to Heaven" or be killed once and for all. Dr. Seuss decided to go to the T Copter when the T Copter bought Dr. Seuss to Sly Cooper section, where there were strangely lots of Porygons everywhere. Then Sly Cooper said "LAME ANIMAL CHARACTER!!! YOU DIE!!!" and then Sly Cooper ran over Dr. Seuss with his Porygon!!! CAT IN THE HAT PWNED!!! COOL CHARACTERS WIN!!!

From Your fly is open[edit]

Antarctica[edit]

Partial Territorial claims (frozen - figuratively and literally)  Argentina
 Australia
 Chile
 France
 New Zealand
 Norway
 United Kingdom












From Bible[edit]

{{spoiler}}

Sockpuppetry taken to a whole new level...[edit]

revision

Note: in commemoration of this absurdity, the originator created a new sockpuppet. He has found little reason to actually use it, though.

From Veni, Vidi, Vici[edit]

"Vidi, vici, veni" describes a good night out

From {{uw-vandalism4}}[edit]

Stop hand.svg This is your last warning. The next time you vandalise Wikipedia, you will be shot.

Logic Argument[edit]

A classic example of the argumentum ad effwordium, from this edit:

Tom: "OK — I'll prove I'm English — I speak English so that proves it".
Bill: "But Americans and Canadians, among others, speak English too. You have committed the package-deal fallacy, assuming that speaking English and being English don't always go together. That means you are not English".
Tom: "F*** you, Bill. Seriously."

A later edit includes:

Bill: "Okay. My logic says you've got a raging hard on."
Tom: "That's right, Bill. Care to suck it?"
Bill: "You bet, Tom. You bet."

From Oxymoron[edit]

From Korea Train Express[edit]

Now that's what I call a Seoul Train.

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