Auld Ones is an Irish animated television programme broadcast on RTÉ Two. It featured the antics of two Dublin pensioners, Bernie and Mary who sit at a bus stop reminiscing about their youthful adventures. The programme symbolises the tedium and meaninglessness of human life, which loosely connects the characters to one of the themes of existentialist philosophy. Divided into two series, it aired on Mondays at 22:40 and is a Wireless Production.
Bernie relates a tale of her adverse reaction to a dodgy smoked cod, and the subsequent hallucination where she remembers her first boyfriend Frankie and their ill-fated tryst in the outdoor septic tank.
17 September 2003
In preparation for the yearly trip to Guiney's, the ladies reminisce on the violence of the previous year's January sales, and the lengths that some people will go for just one bargain.
18 September 2003
Bernie reveals the unique secret behind her happy marriage, and how she copes with Tommy's rare drinking disorder, Intoxicous Perpetualis, whereby he must be kept in a state of suspended inebriaion to survive.
19 September 2003
Mary's miraculous medal triggers the memories of the Padre Pio Convention, the ladies' long-time infatuation with their favourite saint and his related merchandise.
20 September 2003
Bernie relives her greatest achievement; her victory in the national Bingo Finals (with a little help from her best friend Mary). And we meet her nemesis Big Celia, whose favourite pastime is revenge.
21 September 2003
Bernie's account of her outrage over the supernatural mayhem she experienced in her house, and her subsequent domestication of the poltergeist when all the Exorcists were booked out, getting it to perform household chores in lieu of rent.
22 September 2003
Bernie describes how she decided to take a night course in The Late Late Show off-season, how the only course available was in Counter-Terrorism, and how she put these skills to good use in her daily life.
23 September 2003
The second anniversary of their friend Bridie's passing prompts their conversation of how they fulfilled her last wish for one last girl's night out. They discuss their excursion to the local strip club and the one stripper who really caught their eye that night.
24 September 2003
Bernie tells her tale of when she won an "Internet" in a raffle, and how this peculiar assortment of components turned out to be most useful around the house; but not in the way anyone else would employ a computer.
25 September 2003
The ladies talk about how, in an effort to settle Bernie's curiosity about her late twin sister's affairs, they consulted a medium. The resulting séance consists of cross-dimensional arguments over the location of the heirloom crockery and other unresolved matters.
26 September 2003
When a bookmakers opens up beside the local hospice, the girls avail of the special offer: placing bets on the outgoing patients. Bernie's "horse" comes in and she spends her accumulator on some extravagant accessories.
27 September 2003
1981: John Paul II visits Ireland. Bernie describes her scheme that resulted in getting the pontiff to come over for dinner, and the ensuing mishap that led to him getting lost.
"Tea Bag Drought"
28 September 2003
The girls talk about the dark days of the tea-bag drought, and their moon shining efforts to make their own tea bags; and their experimentation with different ingredients until a satisfactory simulation is found.