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Genre Sketch show
Directed by Iain Davidson
Starring Robert Florence
Iain Connell
Louise Stewart
Kirsty Strain
Allan Miller
Richard Rankin
David Allan
Gerry McLaughlin
Theme music composer John Mark Williams (Series 1), Over the Wall (Series 2)
Opening theme "Stripadilla" (Series 1), "Thurso" (Series 2)
Country of origin Scotland
Original language(s) Scots &
No. of series 3
No. of episodes 18
Executive producer(s) Colin Gilbert
Ewan Angus
Producer(s) Rab Christie
The Comedy Unit
Editor(s) Calum Ross
Location(s) Greater Glasgow
Running time 30 minutes
Production company(s) The Comedy Unit
Original channel BBC Two Scotland (Series 1 & 3)
BBC One Scotland (Series 2)
Audio format Stereo
Original release 25 February 2009 – 17 September 2012
External links

Burnistoun is a Scottish comedy sketch show broadcast by BBC Scotland, written by the Scottish comedians Iain Connell and Robert Florence. The show is produced by The Comedy Unit.[1]

Burnistoun is set in a fictional Scottish town/city in the greater Glasgow area. Characters include Kelly McGlade; Burnistoun's answer to Beyoncé; Paul and Walter, the disturbingly odd brothers that run an ice cream van; Jolly Boy John, who tells the things that make him "For Real" to the accompaniment of a happy hardcore soundtrack ; McGregor and Toshan (the "quality polis"), best friends Scott and Peter and the Burnistoun Butcher, a serial killer who is unhappy with the way he is being portrayed by the media. The town/city's name is derived from the Springburn and Dennistoun areas of Glasgow, where Florence and Connell, respectively, grew up.[2] It has also been theorised that the term Burnistoun is a jobby amalgamation of the phrase "Burn this Town". This theory has never been confirmed, however.

Connell and Florence have previously written sitcoms Empty and Legit and created characters for Chewin' the Fat and The Karen Dunbar Show.

The third and final series started filming in January 2012 and began its run in August 2012, ending in September.

In 2015 BBC Scotland Confirmed that a 30-minute special of Burnistoun will be broadcast on BBC TWO later this year.


The pilot was broadcast by BBC Two Scotland on 25 February 2009 and repeated on 29 March 2010. On 20, 22 and 25 January 2010, audience reaction screenings were shown at the Odeon Cinema, Springfield Quay, Glasgow, where approximately 240 minutes of unfinalised sketches (missing music, sound effects and visual effects) were shown to assist the production team in their choice of material for the forthcoming series. The first episode of series one aired on 1 March 2010 at 10pm on BBC Two Scotland.

Burnistoun ran for three series from 2010 to 2012. Each series contained six episodes for a total of eighteen episodes. Each episode ran for thirty minutes, composed of various unconnected sketches with a few running gags and characters (see below).

Recurring characters and situations[edit]

  • Scott and Peter: Scott (Florence) and Peter (Connell) are two friends that live in the town. The two frequently argue, often over things Scott does found by Peter to be strange or embarrassing. Scott and Peter are among the only characters to have been used throughout the show's run.
  • Kelly McGlade and the Sloppy Seconds: An aspiring girl band, led by namesake Kelly McGlade (Florence), along with two other girls, Carly (Kirsty Strain) and Emma (Louise Stewart). Sketches with the band frequently feature the aggressive and hot-tempered Kelly getting into fights with her detractors or putting down Carly and Emma. Kelly was killed off in the final episode of the first season by the town's murder, the Burnistoun Butcher, as she was under the impression that he would be her new manager.
  • DJ Jesus: A recurring gag in the first series only, where a series of everyday sounds are created in a pattern by people. The camera then pans up to reveal that Jesus (Connell) is creating the pattern by DJ-ing. He is then caught and told off by his father, God (Florence).
  • The Burnistoun Herald: The town's newspaper. Many sketches of varying topics are set in the headquarters of the paper, often centered around the bumbling editor (Florence).
  • Paul and Walter: Paul (Connell) and Walter (Florence) are two seventeen-year-old brothers who constantly argue whilst running the ice-cream van. Paul is the disciplinarian, and is often exasperated with Walter's behaviour. Walter sees him as a parental figure, despite the fact that they are both seventeen (their dead mother's ashes are often brought up, with Paul sometimes making Walter apologize to the ashes when he has misbehaved). Walter, conversely, is very childish, often acting like a five-year-old. He often uses the word "anyway" after saying a sentence, almost as a form of punctuation. The two frequently get into trouble for insulting their customers, often getting into petty fights right in front of them. After being used extensively in the Series 1 and the first part of Series 2, they were killed off when their van rolled into the ocean.
  • The Burnistoun Butchers: One recurring gag are the two Burnistoun Butchers. The first is the town's actual butcher (Florence). The second is the town murderer (Connell), who is deeply upset and frustrated that he is so often confused with the actual butcher.
  • MC Hottie Boxtrot (Richard Rankin): A DJ from the town; he once controversially called Burnistoun a "shithole" on public radio.
  • Burnistoun DJ (Connell): The town's DJ, who is frequently annoyed by the odd guests (often played by Florence) that appear on his show.
  • Jolly Boy John (Connell): A man who makes videos of himself doing strange things in his room 'FOR REAL.'
  • Alex Ciderson (Florence): Another character who was kept throughout the run of the series, Alex Ciderson is the head of his eponymous company. The Alex Ciderson company sells a variety of things, many of which are strange or pointless, such as a scarecrow used for scaring away teenagers (which doubles as a sex toy), a large plastic jaw mask used to conceal a person's braces, and clones of Alex himself. In the show, Alex Ciderson is always seen in commercials for his products. He speaks in a high-pitched, reedy voice.
  • Biscuity Boyle (Florence): Biscuity Boyle is a washed-up former athlete who is now overweight and in poor condition. Biscuity Boyle sketches often see him promoting his own endeavours or trying to win people's respect by calling himself "Burnistoun's favorite son." However, his clumsiness is obvious, and sketches with him usually see him farting in somebody's face, with his trousers falling down shortly afterwards.
  • McGregor and Toshan: MacGregor (Connell) and Toshan (Florence) are two bumbling, clumsy policemen, who, despite always referring to themselves as "quality polis," often make the situations they are investigating worse.
  • Doberman Man (Florence): The town's superhero, Doberman Man was once a chubby young boy who was bitten by a Doberman, turning him into a crime fighter. He is constantly haunted, however, by the fact that he is a virgin.
  • Big Sanny Tolan's boy (Connell): Doberman Man's archenemy and nemesis, who is actually just a man who used to tease him for being a virgin in school.
  • Joe (Connell) and Barry (Florence): Two working-class men who are always worried about going places and doing things that appeal to a specific demographic outside their own. Sketches often end with them saying that they'll go 'up eh road.' This gag was used in the show's later episodes.

Episode guide[edit]

Series 1[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

First broadcast 1 March 2010 at 10pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: Scott and Peter's buffet embarrassment; the horror of being a cat mind-reader; Jumpstyle Furnishings; single-policy candidate; DJ Jesus hits the decks; the saga of the 2 litre bottle of ginger; greasy radio "psychic"

Episode 2[edit]

First broadcast 8 March 2010 at 10pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: singing sensation Wee Frank; "What's THIS I See?" extreme theatre experience; the Burnistoun Butcher at The Burnistoun Herald; Scott and Peter's Chinese takeaway; "Town Street" the true-to-life soap opera

Episode 3[edit]

First broadcast 15 March 2010 at 10pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: Scott and Peter meet and greet; Alex Ciderson Warehouse; sniper; Jolly Boy John; hard-hitting Scottish drama "The Drugs"; Biscuity Boyle's sex lessons; helpline/sexline?; emergency Burnistoun Council meeting; a man's terrible dilemma on a bus; Kelly McGlade photoshoot; World's best quotes; a man home alone

Episode 4[edit]

First broadcast 22 March 2010 at 10pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: "Nae rolls!"; the trials of a man desperate to avoid a charity worker; Kelly and the Sloppy Seconds play a pub gig; prolific sperm donor; Walter takes over the ice-cream van; pints; The Burnistoun Herald's problematic new motto; Glasgow scout wars; Scott and Peter's big night in.

Episode 5[edit]

First broadcast 31 March 2010 at 10pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: Google Doctor; Kelly McGlade at The Burnistoun Herald; the world's worst salesman; Superhero talk; Sarcasmaholics Anonymous; chatting up 18 year olds; gangster talk in the pub; The Burnistoun Herald goes digital.

Episode 6[edit]

First broadcast 5 April 2010 at 10pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: Debating Burnistoun MSPs; Ladies' Night at the pub; poly bag fashion parade; Kelly McGlade goes solo; Acceptable patter.

Series 2[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

First broadcast 4 April 2011 at 10:35pm on BBC One Scotland

Sketches include: Scott and Peter at the gym; the two Kenny Rogers lookalikes; Jolly Boy John; Paul and Walter in the ice-cream van; McGregor and Toshan tackling a crime scene.

Episode 2[edit]

First broadcast 11 April 2011 at 10:40pm on BBC One Scotland

Sketches include: The Barr Family; Scott and Peter talking about what they would do if they fainted in the toilets; Jolly Boy John; Walter copying everything that Paul says; Frankie Boyle starring in a ground-breaking advert for pies; McGregor and Toshan having a pepper spray battle.

Episode 3[edit]

First broadcast 18 April 2011 at 10:40pm on BBC One Scotland

Sketches include: Alex Ciderson's new invention; Ronnie Dreech's Murder Song; The consequences of eating a ready meal well past its use-by date; Paul and Walter's mum's birthday and McGregor and Toshan tackling teenagers.

Episode 4[edit]

First broadcast 25 April 2011 at 10:15pm on BBC One Scotland

Sketches include: A martial arts superhero Doberman Man tracking down his nemesis; £15.20 Bonnet Catcher

Episode 5[edit]

First broadcast 2 May 2011 at 10:40pm on BBC One Scotland

Sketches include: Doberman Man comes face-to-face with his archenemy Big Sanny Tolan's boy. Carlos Zumba...Zumba, Zumba, Zumba

Episode 6[edit]

First broadcast 9 May 2011 at 10:35pm on BBC One Scotland

Sketches include: A gullible customer at a car-boot sale gets fleeced over a "quality denim jaeskit"

Series 3[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

First broadcast 13 August 2012 at 10:00pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: A coffee shop customer receives an unusual cappuccino; Jolly Boy John plank sniffing; Derek's new Satnav with a customised voice; observant dad; Widden Palettes

Episode 2[edit]

First broadcast 20 August 2012 at 10:00pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: Putting out the bins; Jolly Boy John; Scottish History; "studenty place"; nice benefits office ; Fight or Dirty Bit; Jumpstyle ads; Mann on Mann; Rebellious baker

Episode 3[edit]

First broadcast 27 August 2012 at 10:00pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: Jolly Boy John; Toshan and McGregor at a house party; new alarm clock; "lassies' chocolate"; failed taxidermy; extension problems; eighties cash machine; Scott and Peter

Episode 4[edit]

First broadcast 3 September 2012 at 10:00pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: Dad's Porn Stash; Jolly Boy John; "Some Banter Fae the Big Man!"; Alex Ciderson's Cut About The House range; interactive ice cream van; gasping skills; date meal; How to Punch A Guy; Scott's existential philosophy; Biscuity Boyle in the wrong studio

Episode 5[edit]

First broadcast 10 September 2012 at 10:00pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include: Jolly Boy John; Toshan and McGregor at the football; aggressive car salesmen; Marky Boy; "Let Me See You Dance"; "Old Man's Pub"; conspiracy theorist; DJ Bertie Booster collects debts; "What d'ye want to do today, mate?"; Burnistoun time capsule

Episode 6[edit]

First broadcast 17 September 2012 at 10:00pm on BBC Two Scotland

Sketches include:

Mad Wullie & the Sword Excalibur; Jolly Boy John; Alex Ciderson's Screambox; "is this a snobby joint?"; Toshan & McGregor get suspended; Big Des Murphy: I'll Dae It; Dom and Tom Toms; Burnistoun United: Are Our Fans The Ugly Ones?; Funeral Interruption; cavity search; Scott & Peter contemplate death

Live Show[edit]

In March 2015, Connell and Florence created a live stage show based on Burnistoun, entitled Burnistoun: Live and For Real. The show, held at the Kings Theatre in Glasgow, featured Connell and Florence, supported by series regulars Louise Stewart and Gerry McLaughlin, bringing to life sketches and beloved characters such as the Quality Polis and Jolly Boy John.[3] The show generated a very positive response from both fans and critics, and due to its success, more shows have been scheduled for August 2015.