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|Episode no.||Series Two
|Directed by||Ed Bye|
|Written by||Ade Edmondson & Rik Mayall|
|Produced by||Ed Bye|
|Original air date||1 October 1992|
After visiting a dating agency, Richie and his 'Butler', Jives (Eddie) prepare to entertain aristocracy, with Richie having sold his kidney on the black market to afford the caviar and the dinner jackets.
The episode begins with the pair in Lily Linneker's (Lisa Maxwell) Love Bureau. They are watching the love videos they made earlier. Eddie's video is typically boisterous and frisky. Richie's is characteristically nervous. At the end of the video, he suddenly enthusiastically lies, claiming to be the wealthy Duke of Kidderminster. The manager matches Richie with the third Viscountess of Moldavia, Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob (Helen Lederer). Meanwhile, Eddie turns down a date with the Duchess of York, with great disgust.
Preparing on the night of Richie's date, Richie informs Eddie that he must be "Jives", his butler, for the evening and speak in a stereotypical accent. Richie reveals that he sold a kidney for £300 to pay for the evening, but is dismissive of the loss of a bodily organ, claiming that he will buy another kidney after marrying the Viscountess and selling off some of her property.
Whilst preparing food for the date, Richie mistakes bowls of caviar for uncleaned dishes, and throws them away. After Eddie points out this mistake, Richie attempts to recover by asserting that they've changed the design of caviar. Richie also notices that Eddie has not mashed the potatoes. Eddie explains that their potato masher is missing after being borrowed by a friend by the name of Harry "I'll Do Anything For Half A Pint" Grundy. Eddie explains that surgeons couldn't remove it after it became lodged into his stomach. Annoyed by this, Richie repeatedly slams Eddie's head into the saucepan containing the potatoes, thus mashing them with his head and calling it 'squashed potatoes'.
After a false alarm with a female charity collector (whom Eddie assaults, then relieves of her collecting tin), Richie's date arrives. Richie nudges Eddie to take her coat, Eddie staggers over to her with his face still covered in mashed potatoes. After removing her wrap and lowering his glasses, he looks at her breasts, causing Richie to become enraged and shouting "She's mine! Get back to your kitchen!" and beats him repeatedly with an umbrella. The Viscountess watches this with great amusement and expresses her delight to Richie, that she has at last finally met some "genuine" aristocracy rather than another faker.
Richie then escorts the Viscountess to the "Polo Lounge" (in reality just their usual snug section of the flat with a decorated plate of Polo mints on the table). Richie goes on to state that this flat is simply his "London pomme de terre", and that his main castles are scattered all over the country as he never knows where he is going to be. He blames this on fox hunting and claims he could "start off in "Berk-shire" and end up in... Twat-shire".
Returning to the kitchen for dinner, Richie repeatedly finds double entendres in what Eddie is saying while he serves the food. After several comments from Eddie to the Viscountess, including "Pork?" and "I was only asking her if she wanted a portion!", Richie thinking Eddie is referring to sex, fights with him viciously behind a curtain in the kitchen.
After dinner, a bedazzled Richie asks the Viscountess to marry him. She eagerly accepts, Richie not hearing her explanation - that she needs to marry quickly or be impoverished forever. An increasingly excited Richie asks her if she believes in sex before marriage. After some convincing, he finally accepts that he is indeed to lose his virginity that night.
While Richie prepares in his bedroom, a suspicious Eddie gets the Viscountess to reveal that her family has lost their entire fortune in a Moldavian civil war and that she must marry the first stupidly wealthy aristocrat she can find, otherwise her entire family shall remain penniless, and she despises poor people. Not caring for Richie's feelings, he makes a pass at her, claiming that to want to marry Richie "you would have to be clinically insane or on the make." After tossing some loose change over his shoulder, he claims he has a "few quid laying about the place" and that if it is stupidity she is looking for, then "There's nobody more stupid then the Hitlers!" - after which he smashes a dinner plate on his forehead. The Viscountess rejects Eddie's advances but goes on to tell Eddie "If anything should happen to Richie, I will be onto you and up your trouser leg like a whippet". After Eddie faints, she goes to join Richie in the bedroom.
After he excites himself reading More Joy of Sex, Richie's big moment finally arrives. The Viscountess strips before and climbs into his bed. However, at the last moment, he appears to suffer a heart attack, collapsing with a "Just typical..." expression on his face.
Richie awakens in an ambulance with Eddie, who reveals that it was simply a mistake by the surgeon who removed his kidney (causing his whole urinary system to backfire) that caused him to pass out. He also accidentally lets slip how he and the Viscountess passed the five-hour wait for the emergency services—she was "crap" in bed. The episode ends with an enraged Richie zapping Eddie on the head with a heart defibrillator.
On the Bottom Fluff out-takes video, it is shown that the entire first scene of this episode, with Richie and Eddie filling out their dating forms, and featuring an uncredited appearance by Nadia Sawalha, was edited out for timing reasons. Most of the removed dialogue would later be recycled to appear in the first Bottom Live stage show, and in some scenes in the following series.
Continuity and Production Errors
- Eddie is acting as a butler whilst Richie and his new girlfriend are having a meal. After Eddie says "Pork?" to her, Richie stands up and shouts "Eddie, how dare you!?". A full shot of the table with all three of the characters is seen, when he continues by saying "She is my fiancée!". In the background, there is a picture of Elvis Presley, in which the reflection of a boom mic is seen in the photo.
- Richie and Eddie are finding a way to mash potatoes. Richie shoves Eddie's head repeatedly into the pan to mash the potatoes. As his head enters the pan, the pan bends, showing that the pan is made from cardboard, soft plastic, or some other flexible material.
- "Bottom: Digger - TV.com". www.tv.com. Retrieved 2008-12-23.
- Bottom Series Two (DVD). BBC Worldwide. 2004.