List of The Colbert Report episodes (2011)

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List of The Colbert Report episodes (2011)
Country of originUnited States
No. of episodes160
Release
Original networkComedy Central
Season chronology
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2012 episodes
List of The Colbert Report episodes

This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2011.

2011[edit]

January[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
814"N/A"Ed Rendell"This year I will not break my New Year's Resolution. G'OH! My resolution was to break my New Year's Resolution!"January 37001
Stephen believes he lives in a nation of wusses due to a postponed football game, and explores the Spiderman musical.
815"N/A"Ron Paul, David Leonhardt, Geoffrey Canada"Greece is building a borderwall. Man, those Mexicans are persistent!"January 47002
Stephen has a message for America's new Indian overlords in light of Obama's endorsement of the U.N. declaration on the rights of indigenous peoples. He also addresses the value of gold.
816"N/A"Atul Gawande"John Boehner is the new Speaker of the House. Either that or the mahogany podium has learned to talk."January 57003
NewSouth Books needs to do more with its censorship of Huckleberry Finn, and Stephen talks about Reince Priebus.
817"N/A"Neil deGrasse Tyson, Ronald A. DePinhoN/AJanuary 67004

Gullible bowel syndrome is treated by a placebo, scientists can cure mouse infertility, and a wild lynx increases the walking speeds of elderly patients.

Notable moment - Stephen tries to tape his face and cannot properly handle the tape.

Quotes

  • "I just wanna give a big shout-out to one of our sponsors: Arby's. If I was about to be killed, I would eat it. After I'm dead, I'd like to be sliced paper-thin and served with horsey sauce!"
  • "Finally a cure for mouse infertility! The species is saved!"
  • "Oh wow, it has a creamy center. So, Hostess makes our DNA."
818"N/A"Fen Montaigne"The south has been crippled by a winter storm - or as they call it, the weather of northern aggression."January 107005

Mike Fitzpatrick and Pete Sessions miss their swearing into office, but swear in through television, and a difference-maker is interviewed regarding aliens coming to Earth.

"Lad Liberty" appears in introduction sequence.
819"N/A"Dan Auerbach, Patrick Carney, Ezra Koenig, Chris Hughes"Myspace slashes its staff in half. Wow! They fired both people?"January 117006

Colbert picks his winners for the 2011 Grammy Awards and Chris Hughes talks about his life since the Obama campaign.

Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend and the Black Keys make a special appearance in the first segment and compete for Colbert's Grammy vote by listing commercials their songs appear in.
820"Life, Liberty
and the Pursuit
of Angriness"
Bernard-Henri LévyN/AJanuary 127007
50 cent makes $8 million on Twitter while Bernard-Henri Levy discusses public intellectualism. Stephen indicates that he believes Americans think of public intellectualizing in the same way as public urination. First usage of "The Wørd" in 2011.
821"N/A"Kevin SpaceyN/AJanuary 137008
In his segment "Thought For Food", a red alert is brought to surface regarding the shrinking of 7/11's "Super Big Gulp". Meanwhile, a Doritos ad angers Catholics, Pepsi has made fruit drinkable, and Obama moves Colbert by "doing a great job" speaking at a memorial in Tucson. Actor Kevin Spacey talks about Jack Abramoff, whom Stephen considers a patriot.
822"Run for Your Life"Wade Hampton, Sherry Turkle"Starbucks introduced the new 31 ounce 'trenta', which I believe is Italian for 'kidney failure'."January 177009
Sears offers 50% off mattresses for Martin Luther King Day, and Kmart offers free shipping. Gun control is explored, and Sherry Turkle talks about how technology is alienating.
823"Disintegration"Cornel West"Dick Cheney may need a new heart. I say we waterboard the Wizard of Oz."January 187010
824"N/A"Ron Reagan, Jr."Joe Lieberman announced he won't run for reelection. In a related story, Steven Seagal removed himself from Oscar contention."January 197011
825"N/A"Christine Todd Whitman, Chris MatthewsN/AJanuary 207012
826"Coverage of Denial"Charlie Rose"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago. Which, in Chicago, I believe means he won."January 247013
827"N/A"Amy Chua"The state of our union is strong, though I think it may be juicing."January 257014
828"N/A"Michael Waldman, Christine Yvette LewisN/AJanuary 267015
829"N/A"Daryl Bem, Brian Greene"New York is set to break the record of its snowiest month. Also, its yellow-snowiest month."January 277016
830"N/A"Samer Shehata, Paul Offit"The Malawi government is making farting illegal. But I say, he who suppressed it, expressed it."January 317017
Kim Jong-un's furry hat, Egyptian protests, wildlife taser, anti-vaccine movement

February[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
831"N/A"Leslie Dach, Michael LewisN/AFebruary 17018
Egyptian protests, the gut brain, Wyngz, Michelle Obama's veggiehad, The Big Short
832"N/A"Sean Dorrance Kelly"For the first time ever, there won't be any cheerleaders at the Super Bowl. What will we watch between concussions?"February 27019
Bing copying Google, Hosni Mubarak supporters punching Anderson Cooper, Christiane Aman-Purr, Henry Cavill as Superman, Big Flats beer, All Things Shining.
833"N/A"Jane McGonigal"I just hit 2 million followers on Twitter, which I believe means Ashton Kutcher has to give me Demi Moore for one night."February 37020
Crisis in Egypt, Bill O'Reilly wonders about the tides, $200 outdoor Super Bowl tickets, Black History Month, Ohio governor John Kasich's all-white cabinet, playing games is productive.
834"N/A"LCD Soundsystem"Arcade Fire won the Grammy for best album yet I set an arcade on fire and all I get is five years for arson."February 147021
835"N/A"Christiane Amanpour, David Albright"Watson the Computer is on Jeopardy! this week. Meanwhile, my Speak & Spell keeps beating me at Wheel of Fortune."February 157022
836"N/A"Eric Foner"The Census says Chicago has shrunk by 200,000 people and yet the voter rolls have grown by a million."February 167023
837"N/A"H. Jeffrey LeonardN/AFebruary 177024
838"N/A"Eugene JareckiN/AFebruary 217025
839"N/A"Randi Weingarten, Jon Erpenbach, Bing West"I'm a man of very few words. This..."February 227026
840"N/A"Stephanie Coontz"There's a Mad Man cookbook. I can't wait to taste chicken a la cigarette."February 237027
841"N/A"Glenn Greenwald, Mike HuckabeeN/AFebruary 247028
842"N/A"Michael Scheuer"The King's Speech: Best Picture? They didn't even cure him - at the end, he still had that debilitating English accent."February 287029

March[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
843"No Country for Old Men"Evan OsnosTBAMarch 17030
844"Economic Boom"Harry Connick Jr."Federal authorities declare the Eastern Cougar extinct. Have they checked the appletini night at Hotel Gansevoort?"March 27031
845"N/A"Mark W. MoffettN/AMarch 37032
Features an eleven-minute segment promoting Jimmy Fallon's new ice cream flavor. Guest appearances during the segment include Fallon, Jon Stewart, Ben Cohen, & Jerry Greenfield.
846"N/A"Joshua Foer"Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag."March 77033
847"N/A"Dale Bryk, Dan SinkerN/AMarch 87034
848"N/A"Anthony Weiner, David Brooks"It's time for me to tell you about the birds and the bees: pesticide works on both of them."March 97035
849"N/A"Reza Aslan"Rio's Carnivale festival has ended and Rio's 'go to the doctor to see what I just contracted' festival has just begun."March 107036
850"N/A"Simon de Pury, Steve Martin"Barry Bonds' perjury trial starts today or, as Barry Bonds puts it, no it didn't."March 217037
851"N/A"Ayman Mohyeldin"Fidel Castro now says he resigned five years ago, but his beard is still in power."March 227038
852"Over-Reactor"Nathan MyhrvoldN/AMarch 237039
853"N/A"Laurie Garrett, Jody Williams"Elizabeth Taylor has passed away. I guess I should return this to the jeweler."March 247040
854"N/A"Michael Moore"The inventor of superglue has died. I assume he finally fell off that girder."March 287041
855"N/A"Stephen Prothero, Dr. Anthony Fauci"The Bronx Zoo is still missing its Egyptian Cobra. Airports, be on the lookout for a very skinny man in a trenchcoat buying a one-way ticket to Cairo."March 297042
856"N/A"Trevor Potter, Tim ShriverN/AMarch 307043
857"N/A"Piers Gibbon"It's baseball's opening day - better luck next year, Mets."March 317044

April[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
858"That New-Smell Smell"Andrew ChaikinN/AApril 47045
859"N/A"James FrancoN/AApril 57046
860"N/A"Hugo Vickers, Sir David TangN/AApril 67047
861"N/A"Hugo Vickers, Jeff Greenfield"America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. Great, I suppose China is beating us at that now too."April 77048
862"N/A"Adam Savage & Jamie HynemanN/AApril 117049
863"N/A"Rick Brookhiser, Ray Kurzweil"Iceland's penis museum got its first human specimen and its owner wants to point out it's extremely cold up there."April 127050
864"Buy and Cellulite"Morgan SpurlockN/AApril 137051
865"N/A"Trevor Potter, Caroline KennedyN/AApril 147052
866"N/A"Ron PaulN/AApril 257053
867"N/A"A.C. Grayling"Social Security checks are going paperless - because if there's one thing seniors are good at, it's online banking."April 267054
868"N/A"Ice-T"Fatah and Hamas have signed a unity pact: they've agreed to hate the Jews together."April 277055
869"N/A"Russ Feingold, Wade Graham"Put another shrimp on the barbie - I'm in England."April 287056

May[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
870"N/A"Richard Haass, Francis Fukuyama"Seth Meyers did a great job at the Correspondents Dinner, but I gotta say this weekend Barack Obama really killed."May 27057
871"N/A"Rex Ryan"Scott Pelley has been named the new CBS Evening News anchor. Personally, I don't think he has the gams for it."May 37058
872"N/A"Amy Farrell"The first Republican debate is tomorrow night. Good seats still available...on stage."May 47059
873"N/A"Bill JamesN/AMay 57060
874"Autocratic for the People"Lupe Fiasco"Animal Kingdom wins the Kentucky Derby. Don't worry plants: you'll get 'em next year."May 97061
875"N/A"Geoffrey RushN/AMay 107062
876"N/A"Trevor Potter, Eric Greitens"They got Bin Laden's hand-written diary. Apparently, he thought America was totally stuck-up."May 117063
877"N/A"Lawrence Wright, John Bradshaw"Sarah Palin claims she knows all the lyrics to Rapper's Delight. Alaska karaoke bars, you've been warned."May 127064
878"N/A"Alison KlaymanN/AMay 167065
879"Enhanced Rejustification"Amy Kremer"CNN anchor Don Lemon has come out as gay...but can he find the courage to tell his family he's on CNN?"May 177066
880"N/A"Austan Goolsbee"Starbucks is being sued for firing a dwarf...or as Starbucks calls him, a tall."May 187067
881"N/A"John Lithgow, Aaron Schock, Kareem Abdul-JabbarN/AMay 197068
882"N/A"Trevor Potter, James B. Stewart"I just spent seven days on a boat with no showers. I'm not sure if this is a beard or barnacles."May 317069

June[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
883"N/A"Robert Kennedy Jr"I got rid of my beard and let's just say the lack of carpet matches the lack of drapes."June 17070
884"N/A"Salman Khan"Mitt Romney has announced that he is running for president in 2012 and, to save time, he's announced he'll be running again in 2016."June 27071
885"N/A"Werner HerzogN/AJune 67072
886"Hear No Evil"Sugar Ray LeonardN/AJune 77073
887"N/A"John Garamendi, Bre PettisN/AJune 87074
888"The Business End"Tom RidgeN/AJune 97075
889"N/A"Henry KissingerN/AJune 137076
890"N/A"Janny Scott"Spider-Man the Musical finally reopens just in time to save New York's struggling hospitals."June 147077
891"Shock the Vote"Keith Olbermann"A 99-year old Oregon man just graduated from college. Ouch. Terrible time to enter the job market."June 157078
892"N/A"Bon Iver"Eight percent of U.S. kids have food allergies. Luckily, very little of what they eat is technically food."June 207079
Summer Concert Series, Night One
893"N/A"Jack White, Florence & the MachineN/AJune 217080
Summer Concert Series, Night Two
894"The Defining Moment"Jack White, Talib KweliN/AJune 227081
Summer Concert Series, Night Three
895"N/A"Jack White & The Black BellesN/AJune 237082
Summer Concert Series, Night Four. Stephen gives the debut performance of his new single: "Charlene II (I'm Over You)".
896"N/A"Grover Norquist"The Supreme Court ruled it's legal to sell violent video games to kids. Get ready for Grand Theft Tetris."June 277083
897"Too Big to Nail"Alexandra Pelosi"The Pope wrote his first tweet today; he is truly the vessel in which God wastes time."June 287084
898"N/A"Trevor Potter, Gary Sinise"Every time God closes a door, he opens a window. Clearly, he's not the one paying for air conditioning."June 297085
899"N/A"Timothy Garton Ash"A French couple has adopted a 265-pound gorilla. And in tomorrow's news: a French couple is mauled by a newly-orphaned gorilla."June 307086

July[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
900"N/A"Hans Beinholtz[a], Michael Shermer"A new study has found that men like to cuddle, and another new study shows that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed."July 117087
901"N/A"Dan SavageN/AJuly 127088
Stephen calls on his building manager, Tad, to be his "heterosexual accountability buddy" during his interview with Dan Savage.
902"N/A"Naftali Bendavid, David McCullough"A six-year-old beauty queen has retired. I'm not surprised: she was starting to get crow's dimples."July 137089
903"N/A"Jose Antonio Vargas"Who's got two thumbs and is incredibly bad at gesturing at himself?"July 147090
904"N/A"Sean Parnell, Sheila Krumholz, John Prendergast"Congratulation to the Japanese women's soccer team for rescuing America from the brink of caring about soccer."July 187091
905"N/A"David CarrN/AJuly 197092
906"N/A"Michael SandelN/AJuly 207093
907"N/A"David Eagleman"You say potato, I say: who are you and why are you saying potato to me?"July 217094
908"N/A"Brian CoxN/AJuly 257095
909"N/A"Peter Edelman, Brooke Gladstone"NASA has found volcanoes on the dark side of the Moon, and they erupt in sync with The Wizard of Oz."July 267096
910"N/A"Mary "Missy" CummingsN/AJuly 277097
911"N/A"Matthew Dowd, Buddy RoemerN/AJuly 287098

August[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
912"With Great Power Comes No Responsibility"Tony Hsieh"A new study says colon cleansing can be risky, but I think they just pulled that finding out of their ass."August 17099
913"N/A"David Leonhardt, Al Hunt"A woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop: the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops."August 27100
914"N/A"Robert Wittman"God said 'Thou shalt have no gods before me', so don't spoil your appetite with Vishnu-poppers."August 37101
915"N/A"Anthony Bourdain"Cargill has recalled 36 million pounds of tainted ground turkey. Personally, I don't know why anyone would buy ground turkey taint."August 47102
916"N/A"Nassir GhaemiN/AAugust 87103
917"Head in the Cloud"The Cars"Captain Morgan's ship has been found. If it's anything like the drink, it doesn't know what happened to it either."August 97104
918"N/A"Jim Martin, Elliott Ackerman"Chad Ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. Wow...those NFL contract negotiations did not go well."August 107105
919"N/A"Gloria SteinemN/AAugust 117106
920"N/A"Ambassador Susan RiceN/AAugust 157107
921"N/A"Frank Luntz, STS-135 AstronautsN/AAugust 167108
922"N/A"Jeff Bridges"152 people set the world record for biggest group shower. Afterwards, they set another record for the longest awkward silence."August 177109
923"N/A"Kevin Mitnick"It's my last broadcast for two weeks, but I promise to give you one last great show before I go. This!...just roll it."August 187110

September[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
924"Happy Endings"Tim PawlentyN/ASeptember 67111
925"N/A"Robin Wright"Texas A&M is joining the SEC. This concludes today's installment of initials I don't understand."September 77112
926"N/A"Tom BrokawN/ASeptember 87113
927"N/A"Diane SawyerN/ASeptember 127114
Tim Pawlenty endorsing Mitt Romney, Twitter and journalism, 9/11 memorabilia, Jacqueline Kennedy in Her Own Words.
928"N/A"Paul Krugman, Al Gore"Anderson Cooper's daytime talk show started. Either that, or he's reporting from the disaster area known as daytime TV."September 137115
GOP presidential debates, American Jobs Act, Ron Paul presidential campaign, 2012, Climate Reality Project
929"N/A"Phil Rubio, Michael MooreN/ASeptember 147116
American Jobs Act, United States Postal Service debts, There's Always Work at the Post Office, HPV vaccinations, Here Comes Trouble
930"N/A"Jimmy Fallon, David Copperfield"The proof is in the pudding, but good luck finding where I hid the pudding."September 157117
UBS lost $2 billion from rogue trades, Congressman (R-TX) Louie Gohmert's jobs act, eternal enemies for 6 months with Jimmy Fallon, Anderson Cooper wants to be best friends with Stephen, Federal Emergency Management Agency's Waffle House Index, Brainworks
931"Death and Taxes"Jeffrey KlugerN/ASeptember 207118
932"N/A"Chrystia Freeland, Daniel Yergin"The Federal Reserve wants to stimulate the economy. Well, then Ben Bernanke's gonna have to show a little leg."September 217119
933"N/A"Jeremy Ben-AmiN/ASeptember 227120
935"I Think, Therefore I Brand"Radiohead"Prepare yourselves, Radiohead. You're about to meet Televisionface."September 267121
First ever hour-length episode of The Colbert Report.
936"N/A"Melinda GatesN/ASeptember 277123
937"Labor Chains"Ken Burns"Amazon unveiled its new iPad competitor, the Kindle Fire. I'm gonna use mine to order the new iPhone."September 287124
938TBAMark CubanTBASeptember 297125

October[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
939TBAJerome GroopmanTBAOctober 38001
940TBAJohn Lithgow"NBC has cancelled The Playboy Club. Apparently, people just watched it for the articles."October 48002
941TBABlack Star"The Nobel Committee has awarded-I can't believe they didn't last! If they don't make it, nobody can!"October 58003
942TBAJason Amerine"A scientific panel recommended against prostate testing, but my prostate was up all night cramming."October 68004
943"Look Out for the Little Guy"Harry BelafonteTBAOctober 178005
944TBASteven PinkerTBAOctober 188006
945TBAAli Soufan" The world population will hit 7 billion people by Halloween, so you may want to buy an extra bag of Snickers."October 198007
946TBAColdplay"Antidepressant use is up since 1988. Someone should do something about that, but God, it just seems so impossible."October 208008
947TBAJon Huntsman, Jr.TBAOctober 248009
948TBASusan Saladoff"Gaddafi will be buried in a secret location that no one can find. Maybe that's where he should've hidden".October 258010
949TBATaylor Branch"It's the tenth anniversary of the Patriot Act, but what do you get for the government that knows everything?"October 268011
950TBAToby Keith"A Californian doctor was caught selling painkillers out of a Starbucks. Hey, everyone else in Starbucks, now you've finally got a great idea for that screenplay."October 278012
951TBANeil MacGregorTBAOctober 318013

November[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
952TBAYo-Yo Ma"A new study found that happy people live 35% longer. Yeah, but unhappy people's lives seem longer."November 18014
953"Bite The Hand That Feeds You"Michael Pollan"Bank of America will drop its five dollar debit card fee. Of course, this comes with a six dollar fee removal fee."November 28015
954TBANathan WolfeA new report says that New York City has shrunk by more than 2 square miles. Hey, come on, it's cold outside!"November 38016
955TBANiall FergusonTBANovember 78017
956TBASeth MeyersTBANovember 88018
957"Bully Pulpit"Father James Martin"Italian debt threatens to swamp the Eurozone. I knew they shouldn't have offered unlimited breadsticks!"November 98019
958TBABrian EnoTBANovember 108020
959TBAThomas Thwaites"The new Italian Prime Minister has passed new austerity measures. He's going to cut back to one bunga."November 148021
960TBAElijah WoodTBANovember 158022
961TBAChris Matthews"North Korea is opening to tourists. You'll come for the kimchee, you'll stay because you can't leave."November 168023
962"The 1%"Susan Orlean"In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm doing the whole show with my pants unbuttoned."November 178024
963TBASiddhartha Mukherjee"A recent study claims women think about sex ten times a day. But I don't buy it; my show is only on four times a day."November 288025
964TBATinariwen"Stalin's daughter is dead at the age of 85. Your move, Cindy Hitler."November 298026
965TBAStephen SondheimTBANovember 308027

December[edit]

No. "The Wørd" Guest(s) Introductory phrase Original air date Production
code
966TBARichard BransonTBADecember 18028
967TBAJimmie JohnsonTBADecember 58029
968TBAThe Black KeysTBADecember 68030
969TBADavid HallbergTBADecember 78031
970TBAJack AbramoffVladimir Putin has accused Hillary Clinton of instigating protests in Russia. Why don't they just do it already?December 88032
971TBASamuel L. Jackson"Newt Gingrich says he is against gay marriage. That explains why it's the only type of marriage he hasn't tried yet."December 128033
972"Let Them Buy Cake"Mark Whitaker"An Italian woman left $13 million to her cat. Well... hello!"December 138034
973TBAGeneral Raymond T. OdiernoTBADecember 148035
974TBADaniel CraigTBADecember 158036

Notes[edit]

^a Hans Beinholtz is a fictional character played by Erik Frandsen.

References[edit]

External links[edit]