|Father Ted episode|
|Episode no.||Series 3
|Directed by||Andy DeEmmony|
|Written by||Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews|
|Original air date||27 March 1998|
"Speed 3" is the third episode of the third series of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the 20th episode overall. The episode parodies the action-thriller film Speed and the sequel Speed 2: Cruise Control. "Speed 3" was written after the show's writers Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews asked themselves: "How can we make a worse sequel than Speed 2?" This episode was voted the fans' favourite episode on Channel 4's "Father Ted Night."
Fathers Ted and Dougal return to the parish from the Annual Baby of the Year Competition. Ted expresses disappointment at how "hairy" all the babies were that year. Mrs. Doyle gets excited when she spots the milkman arriving outside, and quickly gets into a fancier dress and makeup as he steps up to the parish. She introduces Ted to Pat Mustard, a boostful, bearded man that Mrs. Doyle has a clear liking for. Later that night, Ted makes a connection between Pat Mustard and the "hairy" babies, and believes he has fathered them all by sleeping with the housewives during his milkman rounds in the day. Mustard denies it, but challenges Ted to prove him otherwise. Ted and Dougal follow Mustard around, and collect enough evidence of his sexual encounters to get him fired. Dougal, who claims he always wanted to be a milkman, is given the vacant position.
Dougal proceeds to make the rounds the next day, though several of the housewives were clearly expecting Pat, including one that answered the door topless, which Dougal does not seem to notice. Mustard calls Ted from a phone booth, claiming he will get revenge, and has rigged the milkfloat with a bomb that will arm if the float exceeds 4 miles per hour, and then explode if it falls below that. Dropping the phone, Ted races to catch up to Dougal to warn him, but the float has already passed 4 miles per hour. Dougal panics, but Ted directs him to a roundabout and to keep driving while he comes up with a plan.
Ted, assisted by Father Beeching and Father Clarke, trying to determine a way to save Dougal. After first trying and failing to give a Dougal a Mass from a tractor-trailer pulled alongside the float, they watch The Poseidon Adventure, on the grounds that Gene Hackman plays a priest in it. Ted paces the parish room and trips yet again over a brick left in the center of the room by Mrs. Doyle inspired by a recent decorating tip. Ted suddenly gets an idea. He races back to Dougal and has him place the brick on the accelerator peddle so that Dougal can safely get off. Dougal declares he doesn't want to be a milkman anymore. The float continues on its own, straight into the phone booth that Mustard is still gloating to Ted from. The float explodes on collision.
Later, Ted is taking the trash out from the parish, and spots an object in the sky, which then strikes him; it is the hard-burnt brick from explosion. At night, Dougal suddenly wakes up and realizes "those women were in the nip!" Mrs. Doyle sadly packs away her shrine of Pat Mustard items.
The episode was voted the best ever by the show's fans, in the Channel 4 Father Ted Night, which screened on 1 January 2011 to celebrate the 15th anniversary of the programme.
- The overall plot is a parody of the films Speed and Speed 2: Cruise Control.
- The priests watch The Poseidon Adventure, on the grounds that Gene Hackman plays a priest (actually, he plays a Protestant reverend). Father Beeching complains afterwards that "he didn't even say Mass!"
- "We asked for your nerdiest-ever Father Ted questions … and we put them to Arthur Mathews". thejournal.ie. 21 April 2015. Retrieved 21 April 2015.