Talk:The Battle of the Labyrinth/GA1
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Seeing as you reviewed mine, I'll do you the favor too.
The lead is on the short side. Is there a way you could expand it? Ideally to two paragraphs, but at least to beyond 4 lines. "During a game against giant scorpions at the camp" - what sort of game?
- Fixed pluma Ø 03:28, 14 September 2011 (UTC)
"Using the Labyrinth, Percy, Annabeth, Grover, and Tyson must find Daedalus so that Luke cannot get Ariadne's string, thereby foiling Luke's invasion. Ariadne's string is used to navigate the Labyrinth." - that could be worded better. It doesn't give any indication why Daedalus is important here, and the latter sentence is on the short side. Try rewording. Is there a reason Tyson is linked the second time it's used, and not the first? Can you reorganize the structure of the plot summary? There are two paragraphs, the latter of which is insanely long. "Following a hint from the Greek God Hephaestus, Percy travels to Mt. St. Helens, where he finds telekhines, which Percy calls "sea demons". Percy attacks the telekhines and they chase him." - the former sentence is a bit of a run-on with how many comma phrases there are, and then the latter is rather short. Could you find a way to reword for better flow? You also say "Percy" three times in two sentences. "Percy finds Annabeth and they have a short argument during which Percy tells Annabeth to flee. Percy gets a kiss from Annabeth and Annabeth disappears." - you mention Percy and Annabeth three times each in two sentence. Please reword, and ideally combine the two - "After Percy finds Annabeth, the two have a brief argument during which he tells her to flee, and she disappears after giving him a kiss." Something like that "who is able to see through the Mist" - that is the first time you mention Mist, but it doesn't say what it is You link Daedalus three times in the plot summary - unnecessary. How do they discover that Daedalus is Quintus? "the big prophecy" - that's the first time any big prophecy is mentioned... Remember, the article has to be understandable to someone who doesn't know the books. "Luke has already reached Daedalus and got Ariadne's string" - why "has already reached" here? Most of the article, you use present tense, which is fine, but occasionally you use the "has + past tense verb form". Consistency would be nice. Oh, and "got Ariadne's string" is sort of poor wording. Did he steal it? Discover it? Stumble across it? "Grover comes to the rescue" - really, "comes to the rescue"? It's an encyclopedia article, not a book review ;) Try rewording with something a little more professional
- --Perseus8235 21:53, 19 February 2011 (UTC)
But now this sentence mentions Grover three times. "Grover finally finds Pan, but the god of the wild is dying and wants Grover to tell the other satyrs that they must save the natural world themselves—his spirit passes into all present, Grover in particular, when he dies." ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 17:47, 21 February 2011 (UTC)
- --Perseus8235 21:53, 19 February 2011 (UTC)
Is there a reason Rachel Dare's character section is longer than other characters? Is she that much more important than, say, Percy? It seems very trivial that Tyson enjoys peanut butter sandwiches
- The Critical Reception section looks quite awkward having one long paragraph and then one tiny one. Are there any other negative reviews? The article needs to be balanced, so if there were it should be mentioned. Also, I'm not so sure the best format is copying from all of the reviews. IMO, the article would be much better if you paraphrased some of the reviews.
- I notice there is no section on "Development and publication", which I feel is a pretty glaring omission. How soon after the previous book was this one started, for example? Was it always planned to be the 2nd last in the series?
- Although this would be original research, his blog says in 2007 that the "Titan's Curse" is third-to-last. --Perseus8235 15:22, 20 February 2011 (UTC)
"The Last Olympian was released May 5, 2009. It is the last book of the series." - two things - could you combine them, and cite the latter sentence?
- I didn't bother striking out the completed tasks, since not everything was addressed. I'm sorry to do it, but given the outstanding concerns, I'll have to fail it. Let me know when you do finish everything on here, and I'll be glad to give another review (although it need not be a GA review). --♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 05:03, 28 February 2011 (UTC)