The New Coalition Academy

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The New Coalition Academy is a fictional column in Private Eye that depicts the UK coalition government led by David Cameron and Nick Clegg [1] as if they were in fact taking over a failing school: the first episode [2] explains that "Brown's Comprehensive" has been replaced by the Academy, and the new motto is "Duo in Uno" (Latin for "Two in One").

From May 2015 the Coalition Academy became the Cameron Free School, reflecting the Conservative majority government.

In July 2016 the school was renamed "St Theresa's Independent State Grammar School for Girls (and Boys)".

Style[edit]

It commonly includes a Headmaster's Message, though that is sometimes substituted by a message from the Deputy Head. The Deputy Head's Message is often cut short due to "insufficient space".

"Pupils" are invariably referred to by their surname, for example Nick Ferrari is "Ferrari, N" and Danny Finkelstein is "Finkelstein, D" who contributes jokes.

Sports events such as The Ashes are referenced through the school's sports teams (the First XI or First XV). Defence-related news is referenced through the school's Combined Cadet Force and the school submarine.

Characters 2010-15[edit]

  • David Cameron is the Headmaster.
  • Nick Clegg is the Deputy Headmaster.
    • Miriam Clegg is the wife of the Deputy Headmaster who does not want her children to go the Academy, but instead to private schools.
  • George Osborne is the Bursar.
  • Danny Alexander is his assistant.
  • Vince Cable is the Head of Business Studies.
  • John Bercow is the Head of the Debating Society.
  • Rupert Murdoch is a school financier and Rebekah Brooks is his caretaker.
  • Andy Coulson was a miscreant student who the Headmaster put on the school switchboard for a time.
  • Anna Soubry teaches in the Military Studies department.
  • Chris Grayling was the Careers Master who was promoted to become Head of Discipline.
  • Boris Johnson is a personal friend of the Headmaster who is considered to be a potential Headmaster and therefore is constantly discredited by the Headmaster.
  • Liam Fox was the head of the CCF, who got into trouble for allowing his personal friend Adam Werritty to appear in his classroom without authorisation.
  • David Davis is a former member of staff who attempted to become Headmaster.
  • Theresa May is Head of Discipline.
  • Michael Gove is the Curriculum Director, often on the "naughty chair".
  • Lord Coe is the Head of Physical Education who was charged with organising the Sports Day.
  • Dennis Skinner is an old school retainer.
  • Chris Huhne was the head of Environmental Studies who has resigned. He was in an affair with his secretary Carina Trimmingham.
  • Ed Davey is the new head of Environmental Studies.
  • Andrew Lansley is in charge of reorganising the Sanitorium who has now gone on leave.
  • Rowan Williams was known as Reverend Beardie and is the chaplain of the Academy until his departure in December and replacement by Justin Welby (Reverend Oilwellby), who used to run the local petrol station.
  • Jeremy Hunt was the head of Media Studies and has been reassigned to running the sanitorium, where he intends to put satellite dishes on the roof.
  • Andrew Mitchell is the head of Staff Discipline who got into trouble for losing his temper at some school security guards. He was later forced to resign.
  • Justin Welby is the school chaplain.
  • Justine Greening is a teacher who is opposed to the opening of a third driveway in the school on the grounds that she lived too close to it.
  • Nadine Dorries is a teacher who wanted to mount a dartboard at the school Curry House.
  • Lynton Crosby is an attack dog bought by the headmaster from his old friend Mr. Johnson to be a key part of the Senior Staff Management Directive team.
  • Iain Duncan Smith is the new Careers Master.
  • Ed Miliband is a supply teacher.
  • Fraser Nelson is a Year 12 student who is Secretary of the Politics Society.
  • Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby are members of the Sixth Form Media Studies Group.
  • Owen Paterson is Head of Catering.
  • Eric Pickles is a teacher who ate most of the Christmas dinner.
  • Nigel Farage is a teacher who dislikes teaching about Europe. He also runs the fruitcake stall in the school.
  • Maria Miller is Head of Cultural Studies.
  • Nick Boles is Head of Planning.
  • Malcolm Rifkind is Head of Intelligence Testing.
  • Nick Ferrari is a student who runs the Sixth Form Media Service.
  • Simon Hughes is a teacher who commonly attempts to undermine the Deputy Headmaster.
  • Steve Hilton used to work in the Headmaster's Office, as Head of Blue Skies Thinking. He has moved to California to teach and has criticised the Headmaster.
  • Oliver Letwin is a teacher who forged an agreement with the Deputy Headmaster on how to regulate the school magazine.
  • Abu Qatada is a Year 7 Student that the Admissions Secretary is trying to expel.
  • Eric Joyce is a supply teacher who got in trouble for starting a drunken brawl in the tuck shop.
  • Roy Hodgson is the coach of the 1st XI who played matches in Poland and Ukraine.
  • Bob Diamond is the local bank manager.
  • Anish Kapoor is a Year 7 student who has made a sculpture for the Sports Day.

Characters 2015-16[edit]

Characters 2016 onwards[edit]

  • Theresa May is the Headmistress.
  • Phillip Hammond is the bursar.
  • Angela Merkel is the Headmistress of Vorsprung Durch Technikal Kollege.
  • Francois Hollande is the Headmaster of Grande Ecole de la Récession.
  • Jeremy Corbyn is still a teaching assistant.
  • John Redwood is Mr. Deadwood, a teacher complaining about the new Brexit Fudge before tasting it.
  • Iain Duncan Smith is Mr. Ian Dunce Smith, a teacher complaining about the new Brexit Fudge before tasting it.
  • Justine Greening is the Head of Educational Standards.
  • Jeremy Hunt remains in charge of the sanatorium which is often closed due to Dr Junior's unwillingness to work.
  • Sir Alan Duncan is a teacher who is placed in charge of school paper clips.
  • Vladimir Putin is the Headmaster of the Kremlin School of Advanced Intelligence.
  • Barack Obama is the Headmaster of the Washington Drone Academy.
  • Boris Johnson is placed in charge of the school whilst the Headmistress is on holiday. He is also the Head of Foreign Studies.
  • David Davis shares the school accommodation with Boris Johnson.
  • Liam Fox shares the school accomocation "Squabbling House" with Johnson and Davis.
  • David Cameron is the former Headmaster.
  • Michael Gove is a former teacher at the school, who was recently fired.
  • George Osborne is the former school bursar who has gone back to live with his parents.
  • Nicky Morgan is the former head of the school curriculum, who now wanders around the grounds.
  • Shinzo Abe is the Headmaster of the Advanced Kamikaze Institute.
  • Ban Ki-moon is the head of the United Nations of Headmasters.
  • George Hollingbery is a junior staff member.
  • Steve Hilton is a former teaching assistant to David Cameron.
  • Peter Bone is one of the eldest teachers.
  • Nick Timothy is Mrs May's adviser.
  • Donald Tusk is in charge of the seating plan at the European Education Union.
  • Ed Balls is a competitor in Very Stricly Come Dancing.
  • Zac Goldsmith is a teacher who failed his audition for the role on Mayor of London in the school panto.
  • Michael Heseltine is a former deputy Head, described as "the worst Headmaster we never had." He's also currently in trouble with the RSPCA for strangling his dog.
  • Carol Vorderman was the winner of the school's maths prize in 1976.
  • Stephen Hawking was the Head of Astrophysics from 1900-1943.
  • Mark Carney is the local bank manager who was caught in a conspiracy to blow up the school.
  • Gina Miller is a self-appointed Health & Safety Representative.

References[edit]

  1. ^ “Clameronism”
  2. ^ Issue No 1263 (dated 28–10 May 2010

External links[edit]