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We thank Thee, O Lord, for another day without whining from someone who doesn't get the joke.
A Note to the Humor-Impaired

One should beware of those who cannot or will not laugh when others are merry, for if not mentally defective they are spiteful, selfish or abnormally conceited ... Great men of all nations and of all times have possessed a keen appreciation of the ridiculous, as wisdom and wit are closely allied.

Leander Hamilton McCormick, Characterology; an exact science embracing physiognomy, phrenology and pathognomy, reconstructed, amplified and amalgamated ... (1920)

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ipa The IPA pronunciation of this username is apparently /ˈŋ/

Resources offered:

  • I will be happy to supply, for use in developing articles, materials available online here (except those marked Heavy red "x".png) or here.
  • In exceptional circumstances, I will also obtain scans of materials cataloged here.

Because some have asked...

  • The material on this page is meant to increase other editors' pleasure in contributing (by providing modest amusement they can enjoy during breaks from editing) or to assist them in becoming more effective editors (by illustrating various aspects of Wikipedia as a social environment e.g. [4])
  • In humor based on political events, Democratic figures are featured as well as Republican (e.g. [5]) though unfortunately those opportunities don't arise very often, because e.g. Clinton and Obama just aren't as amusing as the Republican nominee.

Museum of Puffed-Out Chests[edit]

Superman S symbol.svg Truth, Justice, and the American Way! Superman S symbol.svg

EEng [is] a general force for good.


What the Critics Are Saying[edit]

Wikipedia Must Be The Saddest Place on Earth

I have had EEng's talk and userpage on my Watchlist for two months because they are the most fun places on Wikipedia.


Wikipedia's Bearability Hangs by a Thread
I'm not a professor of neuroscience (but apparently I play one on Wikipedia)

EEng is a funny guy. If it weren't for the odd joker like him, WP would be utterly unbearable.... He's a professor of neuroscience at Harvard and pretty much singlehandedly wrote one of the best articles on the 'pedia (Phineas Gage)

"krakenawakes" at WikiInAction
"EEng's talk page"[2]
Editor's note: Though easily mis­taken for a roll of toilet paper, the above is in fact an ancient and pre­cious parch­ment bearing great wisdom.[citation needed]

Barnstar of Humour Hires.png The Barnstar of Good Humor
I haven't checked out your userpage in a long while, but I laughed so hard (I particularly liked the
"head in the sand" picture) I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose. PS: I would like to apologise for being
tempted to go to the dark side
.... Ritchie333 (talk) (cont) 12:30, 20 March 2015 (UTC)

St Lawrence Market in Toronto.jpg The Rather Unusual User Page Award
Not sure what my definition of a "rather usual" userpage would be, but it wouldn't be that.[8]

"This is a very long page."[9]

Barnstar of Humour3.png The Barnstar of Good Humor
For your medicine against chronic wikidespair.
Consult your doctor before trying this medicine. Symptoms include: a systemic allergic reaction, a worsening
of withdrawal symptoms for not placing {{ANI-notice}} in months, and casting the first stone.

"childish and irresponsible"[11]

From the Good People at Wiki-Ronco[edit]

via Wikipedia editor A Man Inverts
New improved sensitivity!!
New from Wiki-Ronco... AS SEEN ON TV… the new improved:
Wiki Insult-o-Meter © !!!

Keep track of those pesky insults flooding in from other (more intelligent and industrious) editors!

Hours of fun!!! Available NOW for next day delivery.

***One deposit of $99.95, followed by 186 monthly payments of $49.95. Normal credit checks apply. (No sockpuppets)***

User essays worth reading[edit]

A not-so-entertaining diversion[edit]

Museum of Cowardice (formerly: Museum of Conscience)[edit]

Republicans! Be this guy! Vote your conscience!
Pollster tells Cruz to endorse Trump (seen at right)

... unless, of course, your poll numbers drop low enough that 'Ted Cruz set aside his many differences with Donald Trump on Friday to en­dorse for pres­i­dent a man whom he once called a “seri­al phi­lan­der­er,” a “path­o­log­i­cal liar,” “ut­ter­ly amoral,” and a “sniv­el­ing cow­ard”; who in­sult­ed his wife’s looks; who in­sin­u­ated Cruz’s father was in­volved in the as­sas­si­na­tion of John F. Kennedy; who said he wouldn’t even accept his en­dorse­ment; and who for months mocked him mer­ci­lessly with a school­yard taunt, “Lyin’ Ted.”'

Cowardice: Fear that makes you unable to do what is right or expected; lack of courage.

Museum of Public Service Announcements[edit]

And guess what? – Following in his stepmom's footsteps, it turns out, the little creep even plagiarized his asshole analogy, stealing it from a Tea Party crazy without giving credit! (Read the story linked in the caption to find out all about it.)

Museum of Thought for the Day[edit]

  • "You can sway a thousand men by appealing to their prejudices quicker than you can convince one man by logic. It doesn’t have to be a prejudice about an important matter either." – Robert Heinlein
  • With hit co-feature Top 25 Stupidest Trump Moments

Museum of Marine Metaphors[edit]

Remains of the shipwrecked trawler Admiral von Tromp (official visual metaphor of the Donald J. Trump presidential campaign)

Museum of Neuroanalogy[edit]

  • If you don't get the reference, see Phineas Gage. In short: according to scientific mythology, after an explosion drove a large iron rod through Gage's head, he became a boorish, aggressively violent, trash-talking lout...

Museum of One Thing Leads to Another[edit]

Museum of Fair and Balanced[edit]

The aspiring president and vice-president Showing Almost Human Intelligence & Reason While in the Performance of Many Curious & Original Feats
Foreground: The GOP candidate with his children.
Background: Melania learns speech from donkey while assorted campaign grotesques gambol.

Museum of Why Putin and ISIS Will Welcome a Trump Presidency[edit]

Museum of Separated At Birth, Pt. 1[edit]

... with hit co-feature, The official Donald J. Trump 2016 presidential campaign song:

No one likes us – I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens

We give them money – but are they grateful?
No, they're spiteful and they're hateful
They don't respect us – so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them

Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us

We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too

Boom goes London and boom Paree
More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town
Oh, how peaceful it will be
We'll set everybody free
You'll wear a Japanese kimono
And there'll be Italian shoes for me

They all hate us anyhow
So let's drop the big one now
Let's drop the big one now

​​ Randy Newman, "Politial Science" (Sail Away, 1972)

... with second hit co-feature, Museum of Republican Running-Mates:

Museum of Separated At Birth, Pt. 2 a.k.a. Life Imitates Art[edit]

The section that asks the question:
Can America afford a president so ignorant—​​surrounded by people so ignorant—​​that he doesn't even realize it when he's parodying a scene from Chaplin's The Great Dictator?

Museum of Separated At Birth, Pt. 3[edit]

Believe it or not, my running mate doesn't believe in evolution even though I'm obviously descended from organutans.
He's not from my branch of the family! And I've given up flinging poop because I don't want to invite comparison.

Museum of the Enemy Within[edit]

Decent American food truck selling normal non-immigrant American food.
Take a lesson from England, which has been overrun by hegemonic French "crêpe" trucks.

Museum of Intelligent Life[edit]

If the signal is artificial, it was likely made by a civilization more advanced than our own.
   —Opinion of scientists on Earth on detecting apparent signal from star HD 164595
If the signal is artificial, it was likely made by a civilization no longer in existence.
   —Opinion of scientists on planet orbiting star HD 164595 (95 light-years away) on receiving broadcast of Donald Trump speech

From Time's Donald Trump Insult Generator ("Because the Republican presidential candidate hasn't gotten around to mocking everyone in the world just yet"): PissedOff.gif

  • Tryptofish is a total loser. Tryptofish is desperate. No imagination!
  • Irrelevant clown Martinevans123 sweats and shakes nervously as they talk "bull" about me. Has zero cred.
  • Robevans123 did an absolutely horrible job. Robevans123 should be ashamed of himself.
  • Do you believe highly overrated Ritchie333? What a dope!
  • Eman235is truly as dumb as rock.
  • Goofball atheist FourViolas never had a chance.
  • Why does Softlavender constantly seek out trivial nonsense?
  • Liberal clown Drmies
  • Gerda Arendt is a dummy. Just look at Gerda Arendt's past.
  • When will EEng start to apologize to me?
  • EEng has apologized to me, but I do not accept his apology. I'll be suing him for lots of money!

Museum of Healthy Dumps[edit]

"Tronald Dump", who emerged from within
The sickly Theodore Roosevelt hiking Yosemite two years after taking office
Teddy Roosevelt (right) leading exploration of a tributary of Brazil's Aripuanã River in 1913 at age 53. Amazingly, Roosevelt—​​who was the first president to drive a car or fly a plane, and who one year before this picture was taken delivered a 90-minute speech between being shot in the chest and leaving for the hospital—​​was less healthy when he took office at 42 than is Tronald Dump at 70.
Rear (left) and side (right) views of the virile but soulless would-be president's combover, revealing transplanted hair plugs taken from albino boars

Museum of Diminutive Coverups[edit]

Mysterious Disappearance Of Donald Trump’s Cement Handprints.
These commemorative handprints could reveal the true size of Donald Trump's hands, but they've disappeared.

"Trump has battled accusations around his hand size since 1987 when Spy magazine first referred to Trump as a 'short-fingered vulgarian'... These cement handprints could provide objective proof and settle the issue once and for all. However, they are seemingly nowhere to be found..."

Museum of Bad Dads[edit]

Alois Hitler was strict, frugal, humorless, and extremely domineering... From his father, Hitler did not receive love and guidance, only stern and domineering orders issued, often, under the threat of violence.

Frank McDonough, Hitler and the Rise of the Nazi Party

A 1940 interview in American Builder and Building Age compared [Fred Trump] to Henry Ford, the car magnate, because Fred Trump hated to borrow money. He was also cheap on the overhead ... “I was never intimidated by my father, the way most people were,” Trump wrote in The Art of the Deal. “I stood up to him, and he respected that.” It probably says something that, in Trump’s world, this amounted to a close relationship.

Michelle Dean, "Making the man: to understand Trump, look at his relationship with his dad"

Museum of With Such A Nice Family, How Bad Could He Be?[edit]

Unbeknown [sic] to billions of people the Nazi camps were not death camps, nor were they places to carry out human experiments. They were simply containment camps. Something had to be done with these destructive anti-social Jews who were strangling Germany. Thanks to the Jews, Germany had lost its moral code and had become debased and de-cultured, does that ring a bell?

Something had to be done! And Hitler did do something – he placed all the Jews in containment camps to allow Germany to breath [sic] again. But – this is the key point in this essay/piece. He did it in a way which was ethical. The camps had decent sufficient food (bearing in mind it was war time), they had theaters, swimming pools, football pitches, post offices where inmates could communicate to the outside world, kindergartens, art and music recreation and even prostitutes. Quality sanitation within the camps was paramount and that is why the inmates' clothes were regularly de-loused with Zyklon B gas...

10 Reasons Why Hitler Was One of the Good Guys

The first thing we’re going to do, if and when I win, is we're going to get rid of all of the bad ones. We've got gang members, we have killers, we have a lot of bad people that have to get out of this country... You're going to have a deportation force, and you're going to do it humanely. Look, we have to do what we have to do...

Guess who?

Meet the family!
Writes great speeches!
The cruciform shadow of Hitler's plane is vis­i­ble as it passes over the tiny fig­ures march­ing below... Upon arriv­ing at the Nurem­berg airport, Hitler and other Nazi leaders emerge from his plane to thun­der­ous applause and a cheer­ing crowd.
The heir preparing to wrap himself in the flag

Museum of In Case You Don't Believe in Reincarnation[edit]

Make America Hate Again!

Museum of How Low Can You Go?[edit]

Museum of The Education President[edit]

Museum of Alimentary Analogues[edit]

Sandwich analogy for Trump's nose as he says, "And believe it or not, I regret it." (No one believes it.)
"Bones! – The Trump can­di­dacy...?"  "It's dead, Jim."
He's unhinged

Museum of Who Said It?[edit]

Who said: "Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money."


Donald Trump, of course.

Museum of The Candidate of Compassion[edit]

Infant with arthrogryposis
Nazi gas chamber used for the disposal of "useless eaters"

In South Carolina, Mr. Trump described Mr. Kovaleski as a "nice reporter" before mocking his comments about the article in The Post. "Now the poor guy, you ought to see this guy," Mr. Trump said, before jerking his arms around and holding his right hand at an angle. "'Ah, I don’t know what I said! I don't remember!'" Mr. Kovaleski, who covered Mr. Trump extensively while he was a reporter at The Daily News, has arthrogryposis, which limits the functioning of his joints.

The New York Times
Reich Leader Bouhler and Dr. Brandt are entrusted with the responsibility of extending the authority of physicians, designated by name, so that patients who, as far as humanly possible, are con­sid­ered incurable, can be granted mercy death after a definitive diagnosis.
A. Hitler (1939)

Museum of Make America Grate Again[edit]

The post-Trump American economy

When you look at how he's conducting every aspect of the campaign it seems entirely fair to ask if he's purposefully trying to lose, because the only alternative is complete arrogance and incompetence. And I'm not ruling out complete arrogance and incompetence.

"Longtime GOP operative" Rick Wilson (Aug. 15, 2016)

We joke about inmates taking over the asylum. With the Trump campaign, it has actually happened.

Stuart Stevens (Aug. 16, 2016)

We are now moving beyond a dumpster fire. We’re more at Chernobyl. The only thing that’ll be coming out of the Trump campaign by November are three-headed rats, which is kind of fitting.

Erick Erickson (Aug. 16, 2016)
I refuse to pivot
The Trump campaign is on track and headed for victory!

Trump’s campaign has now entered the Hospice Phase. He knows he’s dying and wants to surround himself with his loved ones.

Charlie Sykes (Aug. 16, 2016)

Museum of Mind Like a Steel Trap, But On Other Parts The Lady Doth Protest Too Much, Methinks[edit]

My hands are fine. You know, my hands are normal. Slightly large, actually. In fact, I buy a slightly smaller than large glove, okay?
Let's go home. I feel so inadequate.
Segment (verbatim) of a discussion between Donald Trump and the Editorial board of the Washington Post (best parts in bold):

Q: Just back to the campaign. You are smart and you went to a good school. Yet you are up there and talking about your hands and the size of private ...

Trump: No.

Q: Your private parts.

Trump: No, no. No, no. I am not doing that.

Q: Do you regret having engaged in that?

Trump: No, I had to do it. Look, this guy. Here’s my hands. Now I have my hands, I hear, on the New Yorker, a picture of my hands.

Q: You’re on the cover.

Trump: A hand with little fingers coming out of a stem. Like, little. Look at my hands. They’re fine. Nobody other than Graydon Carter years ago used to use that. My hands are normal hands. During a debate, he was losing, and he said, "Oh, he has small hands and therefore, you know what that means." This was not me. This was Rubio that said, "He has small hands and you know what that means." Okay? So, he started it. So, what I said a couple of days later. And what happened is I was on line shaking hands with supporters, and one of supporters got up and he said, "Mr. Trump, you have strong hands. You have good-sized hands." And then another one would say, "You have great hands, Mr. Trump, I had no idea." I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "I thought you were like deformed, and I thought you had small hands." I had fifty people ... Is that a correct statement? I mean people were writing, "How are Mr. Trump’s hands?" My hands are fine. You know, my hands are normal. Slightly large, actually. In fact, I buy a slightly smaller than large glove, okay? No, but I did this because everybody was saying to me, "Oh, your hands are very nice. They are normal." So Rubio, in a debate, said, because he had nothing else to say ... now I was hitting him pretty hard. He wanted to do his Don Rickles stuff and it didn’t work out. Obviously, it didn’t work too well. But one of the things he said was "He has small hands and therefore, you know what that means, he has small something else." You can look it up. I didn’t say it.

Q: You chose to raise it ...

Trump: No, I chose to respond.

Q: You chose to respond.

Trump: I had no choice.

Q: You chose to raise it during a debate. Can you explain why you had no choice?

Trump: I don’t want people to go around thinking that I have a problem. I’m telling you, Ruth, I had so many people. I would say twenty-five, thirty people would tell me ... every time I'd shake people's hand, "Oh, you have nice hands." Why shouldn't I? And, by the way, by saying that I solved the problem. Nobody questions ... I even held up my hands, and said, "Look, take a look at that hand."

Q: You told us in the debate ...

Trump: And by saying that, I solved the problem. Nobody questions. Everyone held my hand. I said look. Take a look at that hand.

Q: You told us in the debate that you guaranteed there was not another problem. Was that presidential? And why did you decide to do that?

Trump: I don’t know if it was presidential, honestly, whether it is or not. He said, "Donald Trump has small hands and therefore he has small something else." I didn’t say that. And all I did is when he failed, when he was failing, when he was, when Christie made him look bad, I gave him the ... a little recap and I said ... and I said ... and I had this big strong powerful hand ready to grab him, because I thought he was going to faint. And everybody took it fine. Whether it was presidential or not I can’t tell you. I can just say that what he said was a lie. And everybody, they wanted to do stories on my hands; after I said that, they never did. And then I held up the hand, I showed people the hand. You know, when I’ve got a big audience. So yeah, I think it's not a question of presidential ...

Q: He said he regrets ...

Q: Okay, let’s move on here. Let’s move on.

Trump: I did feel I should respond. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. But I felt I should respond because everybody was talking about it.

Q: You mentioned a few minutes earlier here you'd knock out ISIS, and you've also mentioned the risk of putting American troops in a danger area. If it could substantially reduce the risk to our on-the-ground troops, would you use a battlefield nuclear weapon to take out ISIS?

Trump: I don't want to use, I don't want to start the process of nuclear. Remember, one thing that everyone has said, I'm a counter-puncher. Rubio hit me, Bush hit me. When I said low-energy, he's a low-energy individual, he hit me first. He spent, by the way, he spent 18 million dollars of negative ads on me. That's putting ...

Q: But this was about ISIS. You would not use a tactical nuclear weapon against ISIS?

Trump: I’ll tell you one thing. This is a very good-looking group of people.

Words re Trump's undersized hands and genitals, and the personal attractiveness of the editorial board: 910. Words re use of nuclear weapons: 14.

From a Washington Post discussion of Donald Trump's reading habits [bolding added]:

Trump's desk is piled high with magazines, nearly all of them with himself on their covers, and each morning, he reviews a pile of printouts of news articles about himself that his secretary delivers to his desk. But there are no shelves of books in his office, no computer on his desk ...

He said in a series of interviews that he does not need to read extensively because he reaches the right decisions "with very little knowledge other than the knowledge I [already] had, plus the words 'common sense,' because I have a lot of common sense and I have a lot of business ability." ...

Trump's approach goes beyond the chief executive manner of Reagan or the younger Bush. "We've had presidents who have reveled in their lack of erudition," said Allan Lichtman, a political historian at American University, citing Warren Harding and Lyndon Johnson as leaders who scoffed at academics and other experts. "But Trump is really something of an outlier with this idea that knowing things is almost a distraction. He doesn't have a historical anchor, so you see his gut changing on issues from moment to moment." ...

Trump has no shortage of strong opinions even about books he has not read. He told The Washington Post that he has not read four biographies written about him, yet he called three of the authors of those books "lowlifes," and he sued one of them for libel.

Museum of Walls[edit]

But several reliable, well-informed sources confirmed the idea that Hitler's anti-Semitism was not so genuine or violent as it sounded, and that he was merely using anti-Semitic propaganda as a bait to catch masses of followers and keep them aroused, enthusiastic, and in line for the time when his organization is perfected and sufficiently powerful to be employed effectively for political purposes.

"New Popular Idol Rises in Bavaria – Hitler Credited With Extraordinary Powers of Swaying Crowds to His Will... Demands Strong Government for a United Germany". The New York Times. 1922. 

Donald Trump knows Paul Ryan disagrees with him on certain counts, but the speaker of the House remains optimistic that his party's pre­sump­tive nominee can still change his tone and behavior going for­ward into the general election.

"Ryan: Trump 'will endeavor to try' to change". July 15, 2016. 

Every great ghetto...
...deserves a great wall! And he made the Jews pay for it!

Museum of More Things for Which Obama and Hillary are Responsible[edit]

Inspired by something I saw somewhere but can't now find:
Exulting after founding Isis
Kenyans clearly visible on the grassy knoll

Obama was smoking
Chernobyl – Barack didn't turn off the gas
Obama did nothing to prevent this.
Et tu, Hillary?
Hillary was in charge of security
Obama's fault
More failed Democratic policies

Museum of Thoughts on Donald Trump[edit]

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I’ll bet you couldn’t pour !@#$ out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won’t go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You’re a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly. You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You’re a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won’t have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper. On a good day you’re a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lager lout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oink artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I’m sorry. I can’t go on. You are an epiphany of stupid for me. I don’t have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of your drivel. Duh. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn’t really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us ”normal” people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are ”challenged” persons in this world who find these things more difficult. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you. P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally NOT GOOD.

Museum of History Repeats Itself[edit]

Helen Gahagan Douglas discussing her loss to Richard Nixon in the 1950 election for U.S. senator from California:

...but the essence of [Nixon's] campaign was this: to avoid the issues, you work up bogus issues, trying to play on the fears of people because if you talk about the real issues, you may lose votes. It's as simple as that.

Museum of Slow-Motion Self-Destruction[edit]

Donald Trump (left, with party chairman Reince Priebus) fiddles while Republican Party burns.
Apologist-on-duty limbers up in preparation for latest Trump batshit-crazy pronouncement. Per employment contract, poisoned meal is always at the ready, should suicide become the only way out.
From a discussion (Time Magazine) of Donald Trump's tireless efforts to get his opponent elected:

At Clinton headquarters in Brooklyn, aides still nursing scars from skirmishes with Bernie Sanders marveled at their good fortune. As in all campaigns, researchers watch every public event, read every interview, archive every tweet. "On other campaigns, we would have to scrounge for crumbs," says a senior Clinton adviser. "Here, it’s a fire hose. He can set himself on fire at breakfast, kill a nun at lunch and waterboard a puppy in the afternoon. And that doesn’t even get us to prime time."

Every morning, this man has to tell Paul Ryan, "Here's what Donald Trump said last night ..."

Museum of A Legend in His Own Mind[edit]

From "Trump: A True Story" (The Washington Post):

Trump had told O’Brien he was worth up to $6 billion. But the lawyers confronted him with other documents—​​from Trump’s accountants and from outside banks—​​that seemed to show the real figure was far lower. "Have you ever not been truthful" about your net worth, the lawyers asked?

Trump's answer here was that the truth about his wealth was "in essence" up to him to decide. "My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with markets and with attitudes and with feelings, even my own feelings," Trump said.

Museum of Hearing is Believing[edit]

From Donald J. Trump's August 8, 2016 economics-policy speech:

"Our lower business tax will also end job-killing corporate inversions and cause trillions in new dollars and wealth to come pouring into our country. And, by the way, into titties like right here in Detroit."

Museum of No Need to Feign Surprise[edit]

Rehearsing for the Donald J. Trump inaugural parade
"I Am The Best Person To Make The Ultimate Deal – World Peace" (after I'm done staring in the mirror, of course).

Museum of Sound Like Anyone We Know?[edit]

The American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
  • Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.
  • Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.
  • Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others' experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain
  • Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.
  • Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

Under the painful consciousness of inferiority and insecurity which these defects inspire, the craving for personal im­por­tance is violently stimulated ... Vindictive rage at fancied slights, jealous outbursts, obstinacy, querulousness, constant criticism enable the neurotic to occupy continually the center of the domestic stage and attain the personal im­por­tance that he craves.

W.P. Graves (1918) "The New Psychology Applied to the Neuroses of Gynecology"

Museum of Truth Stranger Than Fiction[edit]

Which one did Donald Trump not say – or did he say them all, or none of them?

  • A. "Sure, I got deferments. But – excuse me, Chuck, let me finish. Would you really want a president who was dumb enough to let himself get drafted?" (Aug. 28, 2015)
  • B. "You want to see a wall that kept a lot of people safe? Go to Berlin." (Sep. 13, 2015)
  • C. "Frankly, I never wanted the job anyway." (Jan. 15, 2016)
  • D. "I know religion better than the pope, believe me!" (Feb. 18, 2016)

None of them. But you weren't sure about some of them, were you?

  • A. "I hear that baby cry, I like it. What a baby. What a beautiful baby."
  • B. "Get that baby out of here."

Both of them – 60 seconds apart.

Museum of Apparently Doesn't Own a Dictionary[edit]

sacrifice, n. 4. The destruction or surrender of something valued or desired for the sake of something having, or regarded as having, a higher or a more pressing claim; the loss entailed by devotion to some other interest; also, the thing so devoted or surrendered.

Museum of Burdensome Overregulation a.k.a. Making America Great Again a.k.a. "I Like the Old Days"[edit]

Triangle Shirtwaist fire (1911) – 146 dead, 62 of whom jumped or fell from windows in the old days.
Hey, it was their choice to work there, so it was really their own fault.
Iroquois Theatre (1903) – 603 dead in the old days
Brooklyn Theatre (1876) – 278 dead in the old days
Triangle fire: coffins.
Anyway, they were mostly immigrants so it saves us building a wall.
Guarding Iroquois Theatre bodies
Cocoanut Grove (1942) – 492 dead in the old days
Triangle fire: People jumped from windows marked X.
But if we do build a wall, now we know how high it needs to be – haw! haw!
Lake View School (1908) – 175 dead in the old days
Iroquis Theatre dead

Museum of Cryptofascist Bromance[edit]

Thanks for the emails, Vlad!

That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons that history has to teach.

Aldous Huxley (1959)

... then the whole world, including the United States, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new dark age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted science.

Churchill, This was their finest hour (1940)

Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.

Franklin (1755)

Quiz: Which quotation is Trump, and which is Hitler?
  • A. "We have to change our laws... It's hard to believe we can't waterboard which is – look, nothing's nice about it but, it's your minimal form of torture."
  • B. "I shall shrink from nothing. No so-called international law, no agreements will prevent me from making use of any advantage that offers."

A is Trump, B is Hitler.

  • A. "But the most inhuman war... will at the same time be the kindest, because it will be the shortest."
  • B. "I am the candidate of compassion."

A is Hitler, B is Trump

  • A. "The little man of the middle class will acclaim us as the bearers of a just social order and eternal peace."
  • B. "It is time for some honest talk about the problem of order."

A is Hitler, B is actually Nixon. Trump said "I will restore law and order to our country."

  • A. "I know a way that would absolutely give us absolute victory... at the right time, I'll give it."
  • B. "I shall determine the correct moment of attack. There is only one most favorable moment."

A is Trump, B is Hitler.

  • A. "All great movements are popular movements. They are the volcanic eruptions of human passions and emotions, stirred into activity by the ruthless Goddess of Distress or by the torch of the spoken word cast into the midst of the people."
  • B. "By the skilful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise."
  • C. "I don't see much future for Americans ... it's a decayed country."
  • D. "All effective propaganda must be limited to a very few points and must harp on these in slogans until the last member of the public understands what you want him to understand by your slogan."
  • E. "The victor will not be asked later on whether he told the truth or not."

All Hitler: A B C D E. But you had to think about it, didn't you?

Museum of Self-Deportation[edit]

From Donald Trump's July 21, 2016 speech to the Republican National Convention:

Anyone who endorses violence, hatred or oppression is not welcome in our country and never will be.

Some Entertaining Diversions[edit]

See also this burst of creativity.

Welcome, new editors![edit]

Draw near, new editor, that you may learn from these WP policies conveniently arrayed about me!
A newbie (brown) offers his stub to a New Page Patroller (green). If it fails to satisfy her she'll bite his head off.


With grateful appreciation to Andrew Davidson ([12])! EEng (talk) 00:16, 4 September 2015 (UTC)
Fellow editors, feel free to contribute clever riffs and barbs (subject to management approval or modification)

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Chance and Community discussions[edit]

  • You are assessed for article repairs. £40 for each GA, £115 for each FA
  • You have won second place in DYK. Collect £10
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The WMF can be bought for only $150? A much better investment than those donations! sroc 💬 13:23, 6 December 2015 (UTC)

A Little History[edit]

First they came for the userboxes...
The ANI pileon juggernaut rolls on, heedless
Keep smiling, or this could be you!
Block! Unblock! Block! Unblock! Rabbit Season! Duck Season! FIRE!!!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
When users do something that administrators don't like, but when the users not only disagree but have the temerity to object to the sanctions levied against them by administrators, is this an unacceptable dissent against the powers-that-be that must, always, be quashed by any means necessary?
I'm probably hyperbolizing here, but I think this is how the issue appears to the EEng's of the world. And some, at least, of the EEng's of the world are here to help build the encyclopedia. We say "The free encyclopedia that anyone can edit", not "The benevolent dictatorship encyclopedia that docile and compliant rule-followers can edit as long as they remember their place and are always properly respectful towards ADMINISTRATORS." So, please, if that's not the message you want to send, just let these userboxes go. And if you want to boot a user off the project for not being here to help build the encyclopedia, please do it for a more substantive reason than that the user refuses to say "Uncle" when confronted by admins.
Steve Summit (talk) 19:46, 6 February 2015 (UTC) [13]
An admin upholds one of the five pillars without throwing his weight around.
And finally, to each admin who says, "Well, I wouldn't have blocked, but I don't feel like overturning it": what you're condoning is a situation in which every editor is at the mercy of the least restrained, most trigger-happy admin who happens to stumble into any given situation. Don't you see how corrosive that is? It's like all these recent US police shootings: no matter how blatantly revolting an officer's actions were, the monolithic reply is "It was by the book. Case closed." This [admin] was way out of line from the beginning in deleting multiple editors' posts (as someone suggested, hatting would have made complete sense, and troubled me not at all) and when called on it above, he gives a middle-finger-raised LOL. No wonder so many see haughty arrogance in much of the admin corps around here.
—EEng 05:38, 16 January 2015 (UTC) [14]

And let me be clear: I have no problem with 97% of admins, who do noble work in return for (generally) either no recognition or shitloads of grief, only occasionally punctuated by thanks. But the other 3%—​​whoa, boy, watch out!

—EEng 20:02, 6 February 2015 (UTC) [15]


"I'd rather cut off all my toes with a pair of scissors than spend one minute at ANI." Testimonial from an actual customer
There is currently a discussion at ANI...
WP:Flow is being revived ...
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Here's a riddle: What does a Greek cow say?
Sure you want to know?
Remember, you asked...
April Fools at WP: Fucking hilarious


Revert me and I will CURRRSE you!
What they secretly long for
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WP:COI editor risks topic ban – WP:RIGHTGREATWRONGS, WP:IDHT, WP:OR, etc. etc.
Luckily the pajamas are flame-retardant.
Uh-oh. The baby's radioactive.
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RfA reform again? You don't say!
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Before ANI: "Are you hot and sticky, mentally fagged?"
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It's ANI whether you like it or not!
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Untangling template syntax
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They with the fancy user signatures
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This sock was in one edit war too many
Goddam offline sources!
Editor about to put head up ass
"There are a few issues with your GA submission"
Tempted into meatpuppetry
We get it – your FA passed. Can you take it down a notch?
    Progress at Arbcom as swift as ever
Fighting vandals

One cat who'd like less feedback, if you don't mind!
If you want to take on metric vs. Imperial in articles, that's your business. I've got a more pleasant appointment to keep.
What some editors think good writing should feel like to the reader
Reverted good faith edits by....
FA Review (original title: "Monkeys as Judges of Art")
People who forget that guidelines are to be applied with common sense
Sock and master caught together in rare photo
Well, I'm nominating for AfD – your move!
You're getting the hang of this DYK thing!
ANI on a quiet night
Capitalization wars – see [3]
Arbitrator resigns: "The people in these cases – meshugana!"
I'll never understand fixing cut-and-paste moves
Actual fix-cut-and-paste-move diagram
Even though I'm an Arbcom member, I'm just commenting here as an average, everyday editor.
Simplified guide to categories
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These socks are a confirmed match.
Admins maintain order while editors wrestle the wheel in random directions
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Strong oppose
Strong oppose   Strong oppose
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I shot the Sheriff
Wistfully recalling life before Wikipedia
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This administrator is available for recall

Updated DYK query Did You Know ...[edit]

  • ... that quirky dogs and plural wugs helped Jean Berko Gleason (left) show that young children extract linguistic rules from what they hear, rather than just memorizing words?
  • ... that mathematician Andrew Gleason (right) liked to say that proofs "really aren't there to convince you that something is true—they're there to show you why it is true"?
  • ... that warden's wife Kate Soffel, who fled with condemned brothers Jack and Ed Biddle after supplying guns and saws for their 1902 escape from the Allegheny County Jail, later took up dressmaking?
  • ... that while testifying in a 2004 lawsuit involving the meaning of the word steakburger, a corporate CEO was grilled on the witness stand?
Phineas Gage Cased Daguerreotype WilgusPhoto2008-12-19 Unretouched Color ToneCorrected.jpg

Museum of Prosaic Preludes: Strike order for atomic bombing of Nagasaki. "BOMBS: Special. RELIGIOUS SERVICES: Catholic 1830, Protestant 2300." Nagasaki was the alternate target.

That his style was ver­bose is some­thing on which both friend and foe agreed. Jack­son was a writer who, hav­ing em­barked on a sen­tence, was almost imme­di­ately seized by a new asso­ci­a­tion, which was promptly parked between dashes. Shortly after he embarked on the par­en­thet­i­cal phrase, another asso­ci­a­tion pre­sented itself, and was duly ensconced between pa­ren­the­ses, thereby ex­haust­ing the con­ven­tion­al punc­tu­a­tion marks de­signed for em­bed­ded phrases. When anoth­er asso­ci­a­tion arose during the writing of the phrase in pa­ren­the­ses—​​which was invar­i­a­bly the case—​​it was pre­sented in the form of a foot­note. But shortly after the begin­ning of the foot­note ... etc., etc.

Douwe Draaisma. "Sparks from a Leyden jar: Jackson's epilepsy". Disturbances of the Mind. (Tr. by Barbara Fasting.)
Authorial Vanity

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

Logan Pearsall Smith (1931). Afterthoughts. 
Fates to Avoid

Although he did not lack friends, they were weary of coming to his defense, so endless a process it had become.

Rider, Fremont (1944). Melvil Dewey. 
In composing...

In composing, as a general rule, run your pen through every other word you have written; you have no idea what vigour it will give your style.

Sydney Smith


Museum Rules

Visitors to The Museums are encouraged to add droll codas, possibly with evocative yet enigmatic double-entrendre wikilinks, to the items on display (though these will of course be subject to the discretion of The Curator).

Museum of Typos[edit]

From [16]:

In August, when the local news reported that a 6-foot 9-inch dead surgeon washed up on the shores of Isle La Motte, my first reaction was this particular doctor could have played professional basketball instead of practicing medicine.

Museum of The March of Science[edit]

From Fecal microbiota transplant:

In the United States, the Food and Drug Administration has regulated human feces as an experimental drug since 2013.

Museum of Can't Anybody Here Play This Game?[edit]

From the San Francisco Chronicle's Sporting Green, September 11, 2016:

Last Sunday, Breast Cancer Awareness Day, the A's gave away 10,000 pairs of pink wristbands. So far, so good. But alert fan Kyle Watry noticed that each pack carried a warning: "This product may contain chemicals... known to cause cancer or birth defects or other reproductive harm."

Museum of Only So Many Ways to Phrase It[edit]

From a discussion in Michael Pitt-Rivers of a prosecution for, um, buggery:

In the summer of 1953, Lord Montagu of Beaulieu offered his friend Peter Wildeblood the use of a beach hut near his country estate. Wildeblood brought with him two young RAF servicemen, Edward McNally and John Reynolds. The four were joined by Montagu's cousin Michael Pitt-Rivers. At the subsequent trial, the two airmen turned Queen's Evidence.

Museum of Security Koans[edit]

From a discussion on CNN about a recent airport security breach:

What we have to remember is that nothing is 100% anything.

Museum of Muscular Imagery[edit]

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and riffle their pockets for new vocabulary.

James Nicoll

Museum of Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother[edit]

Graph of recent pagesviews counts for my essay WP:Wikipedia is not about whining:

Click here for the sad truth

Museum of the Ignorant Non-Notable Masses[edit]

10 Things Wikipedia Says Are More Notable Than You (and check out what's first on the list!).

Museum of Survival of the Fitness[edit]

From Wikipedia:WikiProject Health and fitness:

This WikiProject is believed to be semi-active. Activity is slower than it once was.

Museum of Better Than Nothing[edit]

From James_Henry_Pullen:

Once, when Pullen developed an obsession to marry a townswoman he fancied, the staff mollified him by giving him an admiral's uniform instead.

Museum of People with Nothing Better to Do[edit] (note the dates on the diff and the original post)

Museum of Bedside Manners[edit]

From "The Limbic System with Respect to Two Basic Life Principles", in The Central Nervous System and Behavior: Transactions of the Second Conference (1959):

We have had a number of patients who have had very strong suicidal tendencies. The one I spoke of brought 155 razor blades, 17 knives, and two loaded guns into the therapeutic hour, and on one occasion she cut her wrists. I showed her how to hold her arms so she wouldn't drip on my couch.

Later in the same discussion:

He experienced what I would call a real culinary orgasm.


These fantasies of eating can alternate with sexual fantasies. This was quite clear during the last war, when we all were a little hungry and a little impotent.

Museum of great things Galbraith said[edit]

And interesting things his son said[edit]

(After learning that a political rival, who had criticized the son for funding his own campaign, had himself loaned his campaign $95,000)

Museum of Pick Your Poison[edit]

From Manure management:

In high concentrations manure can lethally asphyxiate humans. There is also a drowning danger.

The Wrong Version.svg

Museum of WP:The Wrong Version[edit]

From an ANI thread:

The world wide web has been semi protected by Nyttend for ten days.

Museum of Better Reword That[edit]

From a discussion at WT:Manual of Style/Images:

I would like to propose the repeal of the language in this guideline which forbids the inclusion of image galleries in articles about human ethnic groups ... Even articles about sub-species groupings directly analogous to human ethnic groups, such as Maine Coon, include images of their subjects.

Museum of Really, Really Better Reword That[edit]

From the same discussion—​​and by the same editor!—​​two weeks later (and I am not making this up):

A great deal of objection to the repeal of NOETHNICGALLERIES seems to center around the difficulties of classifying people according to fine-grained groupings visually. I would suggest, therefore, that we allow image galleries for ethnic groups at the highest level, i.e. White people, but continue to disallow them for low-level subgroups, i.e. Slavs.

Museum of Those Lustie Tudors[edit]

From Henry VIII of England:

He was skilled on the lute, could play the organ, and was a talented player of the virginals.

Museum of Cheap Followups[edit]

Not from anything:

Q: Why did Bach have so many children?


A: Because he didn't have any stops in his organ.

Museum of Noted for Future Reference[edit]

From "Dancing in San Francisco, Hygienically Considered", San Francisco Medical Press, January 1862, p.26:

It is the peculiar condition of the nervous system, probably produced by the electrical condition of the air, that causes so much insanity in California ... The climate of San Francisco is peculiarly favorable to Dancing [but] there is one correction that ought to be made in the present system of dancing here. The dancing, both in public and private are, for the most part, continued too long.

Museum of Legal Aptonymy[edit]

From WP:Biographies_of_living_persons/Noticeboard/Archive126#David_Goodwillie:

David Goodwillie has had his rape charge dropped.

Museum of More Than a Coincidence?[edit]

From Human Interference Task Force, about early attempts to devise a means of warning cultures in the far-distant future not to intrude on radioactive waste sites:

French author Françoise Bastide and the Italian semiotician Paolo Fabbri proposed the breeding of so called "radiation cats" or "ray cats". Cats have a long history of cohabitation with humans, and this approach assumes that their domestication will continue indefinitely. These radiation cats would change significantly in color when they came near radioactive emissions and serve as living indicators of danger.

From the article on the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant, a radioactive waste disposal site":

The source of contamination was later found to be a barrel that exploded on February 14 because contractors at Los Alamos National Laboratory packed it with organic cat litter instead of clay cat litter.

Museum of Unclear Enunciation[edit]

A now-deleted hatnote to the article on Play-Doh:

This article is about the children's modeling material. For the ancient Greek philosopher, see Plato.

Museum of Yes, I Think You've Put Your Finger On It[edit]

From a discussion of someone's crackpot theories about Hitler in Esoteric Nazism:

She saw his defeat—​​and the forestalling of his vision from coming to fruition—​​as a result of him being "too magnanimous, too trusting, too good".

Museum of Timeless Wisdom[edit]

From wiktionary:in_the_land_of_the_blind,_the_one-eyed_man_is_king:

in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king

  1. Among others with a disadvantage or disability, the one with the mildest disadvantage or disability is regarded as the greatest.
  2. Even someone without much talent or ability is considered special by those with no talent or ability at all.
  3. Someone that can see his actions transpire in determination makes the most out of every other thing disconnected

Museum of Urgent Matters[edit]

From a recent actual ANI report (bolding as in the original):

Background: A series of IPs (virtually all geolocating to the same Canadian city) have been edit warring since late February to incorrectly state that the Canadian Cadbury Caramilk is a chocolate bar rather than a candy bar.

Museum of Unusual Career Paths[edit]

From the article on Hedy Lamarr:

Hedy Lamarr (/ˈhɛdi/; born Hedwig Eva Maria Kiesler, 9 November 1914 – 19 January 2000)[a] was an Austrian and American film actress and inventor of radio guidance technology.

Museum of Well, They Do Like the Trains to Run on Time[edit]

From the article on George Lincoln Rockwell, founder of the American Nazi Party, who was killed by a Party member in front of a laundromat:

The cemetery specified that no Nazi insignia could be displayed, and when the fifty mourners violated these conditions the entrance to the cemetery was blocked in a five-hour standoff, during which the hearse (which had been stopped on railroad tracks near the cemetery) was nearly struck by an approaching train.

Museum of Scholarly Disputation[edit]

From a discussion of why the earth's motion doesn't cause buildings to fall down, in The Mathematical and Philosophical Works of the Right Rev. John Wilkins, Late Lord Bishop of Chester: To which is Prefix'd the Author's Life, and an Account of His Works; in Two Volumes, (reprinting A discourse concerning a new planet tending to prove, that ’tis probable our Earth is one of the planets, 1640):

The motion of the earth is always equal and like itself; not by starts and fits. If a glass of beer may stand firmly enough in a ship, when it moves swiftly upon a smooth stream, much less then will the motion of the earth, which is more natural, and so consequently more equal, cause any danger unto those buildings that are erected upon it ... But supposing (saith Rosse) that this motion were natural to the earth, yet it is not natural to towns and buildings, for these are artificial.

To which I answer: ha, ha, he.

(I like the beer reference. As someone wrote, "Our fathers ... closely associated the thirst for learning and that for beer.")

Museum of "You don't say!"[edit]

From John Vassall:

Although his father was an Anglican priest, his mother converted to Roman Catholicism (a fact which led to some tensions in their marriage).

Museum of Edible Edits[edit]

A perhaps over-tired, or ravenously hungry, Ricky81682 commenting at ANI [17]:

And if the OP doesn't bother to respond, I say we close this and ask the editor on their talk page to provide a coherent, succulent description of their concerns.

Museum of Words that Bug Me[edit]

From the Australian Broadcasting Corporation's "Public Report on Audience Comments and Complaints, April–June 2006":

The 7.30 Report, 18 April 2006
The complaint: A viewer complained that a report caption referred to an “entomologist” as an “etymologist”.
Finding: The ABC agreed that this was incorrect.

Museum of How Was Your Day, Dear?[edit]

From List of fatal bear attacks in North America:

Earl, a zookeeper at the Cleveland Brookside Zoo, was mauled by a brown bear while feeding it in its pen. After a vicious struggle, police shot the bear. Earl was also mistakenly shot, but it was determined that he was already dead. Earlier in the day, Earl had been fired from his job.

Museum of You Can't Always Get What You Want, But Sometimes You Get What You Need[edit]

From an online comment about Vittorio De Sica's masterpiece The Bicycle Thief:

I read that Bicycle Thieves is one of Leonardo DiCaprio's favorite movies of all time. I saw it. It just ended abruptly. I was really hopeful for a happy ending that he would win his bike back but rather he ends up with no bike in the end.

Museum of Precision Diagnoses[edit]

From the 10th revision of the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems:
  • T63.442 Toxic effect of venom of bees (intentional self-harm)
  • V91.07 Burn due to water-skis on fire
  • V95.42XS Forced landing of spacecraft injuring occupant, sequela
  • V97.33 Sucked into jet engine
  • W22.02 Walked into lamppost
  • W55.41 Bitten by pig
  • W61.62 Struck by duck
  • Y92.146 Swimming-pool of prison as place of occurrence
  • Y92.154 Driveway of reform school as place of occurrence

Sample combinations:

  • Y92.241 Library as place of occurrence + W45.1 Paper entering through skin ("Applicable to paper cut")
  • Y92.834 Zoological garden as place of occurrence + W61.12 Struck by mackaw
  • Y92.72 Chicken coop as place of occurrence + W61.33 Pecked by chicken

Museum of Hope Springs Eternal[edit]

From the Classifieds section of Mission Hill Gazette, a Boston neighborhood newspaper:

Boston Brakers power soccer
Practices 1st, 2nd, 3rd Saturdays of the month, noon-2pm, Tobin Community Center, 1481 Tremont Street.

Yoga for Older Adults
Saturdays through May, 10am. Yoga props and mats are provided, wear clothes that you can move in comfortably. Parker Hill Branch Library, 1497 Tremont St.

$5 Million Reward
for information leading directly to the return of 13 works of art stolen two decades ago from the Gardner Museum. Anonymous tips can be mailed to 280 The Fenway.

Museum of Mixing Business and Pleasure[edit]

From The Signpost article, "Revenge of 'I can’t believe we didn’t have an article on ...'":

Esther Applin was a super-awesome geologist who discovered that microfossils could be used for dating purposes.

Museum of What Could Possibly Go Wrong?[edit]

From "Mommy Dearest", an episode of the I-swear-I-was-just-flipping-channels true-crime program A Stranger in My Home. Mabel (82) and Cathie (57) are a mother and daughter who have just moved from their too-small trailer to a house.

Mabel and Cathie would love for Cathie's sons, Travis and Morgan, to move in and help out around the house. There's only one problem: they're both in prison on burglary and fraud charges, and won't be released for several years. But Cathie's sons have a solution in the short term. They introduce Mabel and Cathie to their fellow inmate Edward Caldwell ... He was going to get out soon, and he would be needing a room to rent. Mabel invites Edward to move into the now-empty trailer, and in return he will help her and Cathie around their house.

Museum of It's a Dirty Job, But Someone's Gotta Do It[edit]

From The Railway Surgeon (1895):

During the past few years it has been my privilege to treat some hundreds of railway employees for various rectal diseases.

And from the very same page, some old-timey medical humor (I guess):

Some Clinical Thermometer Notes ... Another was a hospital ward patient, his cot being the second the physician visited on making his rounds. The patient begged one day to change beds with his neighbor, and when pressed for his reason he declared that he had got tired of having the glass put in his mouth after it had been into his neighbor's rectum. He wanted it put into his mouth before the other fellow's temperature was taken.

More dirty jobs[edit]

From a letter by Abbott Lawrence Lowell to his cousin William Lawrence, describing efforts to extract a donation from J.P. Morgan:

When I cease to be President of Harvard College I shall join one of the mendicant orders, so as to have less begging to do.

Yet more dirty jobs[edit]

From the post "The Decline of Free Speech in American Universities" in something called University Ranking Watch:

St Mary's University of Minnesota: An adjunct classics professor was fired for sexual harassment which may have had something to do with an authentic production of Seneca's Medea. He was also fired from his other job as a janitor (!).

Confusing related item:

Marquette University: John McAdams was [dismissed] for criticising an instructor for suppressing a student's negative comments about same-sex marriage.

Museum of Travel Broadens One[edit]

From an ever-so-slightly, if unintentionally, suggestive "Google Reviews" comment on Harvard's Widener Library:

A beautiful library at the heart of Harvard's campus. Please note that entrance requires Harvard affiliation, so as to prevent hordes of tourists from disrupting students' studying. Having had the privilege of entering widened I can say that it's truly gigantic.

Museum of He Did It His Way[edit]

From My Way killings:

The "My Way" killings are a social phenomenon in the Philippines, referring to a number of fatal disputes which arose due to the singing of the song "My Way" in Karaoke bars ... On May 29, 2007, a 29-year-old karaoke singer of "My Way" at a bar in San Mateo, Rizal, was shot dead as he sang the tune, allegedly by the bar's security guard. According to reports, the guard complained that the young man's rendition was off-key, and when the victim refused to stop singing, the guard pulled out a .38-caliber pistol and shot the man dead.

He also did it his way[edit]

From Evan O'Neill Kane:

He is most well known for the remarkable feat of removing his own appendix under local anaesthetic in 1921 at the age of 60. He operated on himself again at the age of 70 to repair a hernia. In many ways Kane was idiosyncratic in his practices, which included the tattooing of his patients.

Museum of Thought Control[edit]

Background (from an ANI thread):

... The purpose of Wikipedia is to build an encyclopedia, not to exchange thoughts ... Johnuniq (talk) 01:05, 13 February 2016 (UTC)
"The purpose of Wikipedia is to build an encyclopedia, not to exchange thoughts." I hope no one takes that too much to heart and writes WP:NOPUBLICTHINKING. EEng 01:13, 13 February 2016 (UTC)

And so, thanks to my big mouth, without further ado we give you Shock Brigade Harvester Boris's essay "WP:NOPUBLICTHINKING":

Not to be confused with WP:NOPUBLICTHANKING.
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. What would your mother say?

Wikipedia's fundamental principles are encapsulated in its "five pillars": it is an encyclopedia; it is written from a neutral point of view; its content is free to use and edit; participants are expected to act with respect and civility; there are no firm rules. These ideals carry no requirement (or even permission) for critical thinking. Indeed, there is no requirement that editors even be sentient beings—​​a large fraction of the project's edits are made by "bots."

It follows that editors must not expect their colleagues to act rationally or sensibly. Criticizing another's remarks as internally inconsistent or nonsensical is uncivil regardless of the truth or falsity of such criticism, and may result in sanctions. Similarly, displays of critical thinking or logical analysis may induce feelings of inadequacy in those incapable of such activities, and consequently must be avoided. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

Museum of Damn Statistics[edit]

From a digression at WP:COIN.

@EEng: thank you for making exactly my point for me. Of course it wasn't random. If my "ridiculous calculation" upsets you so much, I think you're taking this a little too seriously. Brianhe (talk) 18:55, 25 September 2015 (UTC)

I'm taking it too seriously in the context of the subject of this thread, but not in the context of the spread of nonsense passed off as statistics, which is a serious problem given that you can turn on almost any crime show and hear some prosecutor intone gravely, "The chances of that DNA coming from anyone other than the defendant was 1 in 4 quintillion" or similar nonsense arrived at by calculations similar to yours.
If you think what I said made your point for you, then you still don't understand. You were trying to prove that one set of user boxes was copied (or adapted, or somehow influenced) by another set of userboxes, by calculating the chance that two sets of userboxes, arrived at independently, would be the same, under the assumption that people just pick their userboxes out of a hat. But that last assumption is false (even if they're setting up their userboxes completely independently of one another), which makes the whole calculation meaningless.
en This user is a native speaker of English.
Search user languages
For example, let's say user A has the userboxes at right. Under your calculation User B, who now joins the project, would have only a 1/(2526*2526) = 1/(25,000,000) chance of picking the same userboxes. Ergo, if B has the same boxes as A, it's impossible to imagine he came up with them independently—​​he must have copied them from A. But this is obviously a ridiculous conclusion, since the majority of editors on en-wp are native speakers of English, and the majority are Americans, and the two probabilities are dependent.
Blindly plugging numbers into statistical formulas has caused a lot of problems, as the ex-managers of the Chernobyl and Fukushima nuclear plants would be able to tell you first-hand (if they weren't both dead, of course). So please do your part to stop the senseless slaughter of nuclear-plant managers, and don't engage in meaningless combinatoric exercises and then pass them off as valid. (More seriously, people have gone to prison based on similar calculations by incompetent "experts"—​​see People v. Collins​​so the lives of everyday people really are affected by the insidious spread of such nonsense.)

EEng (talk) 20:10, 25 September 2015 (UTC)

Museum of Excruciatingly Fine-Grained Editing[edit]

From User talk:EEng:

Hi, You have more than 2,500 edits to Phineas Gage (talk+article) ... Currently that article has more than 37,000 characters/bytes, I hope one day you will have more edits to article than number of characters in article. That will be a distinct and unique record. --Human3015

Museum of Naughty Edits[edit]

Synchron­masch­in­es-V-Kurv­en, zeig­nung das unter- und uber-ex­ci­ta­tions­feld­volt­age­glock­en­spiel­ge­dingdorf­schnitz­el, in Mittel ist erregt natuer­lich, wo Ein­heit des Fak­tor dem Kraft ge­fund­et hab­en sind ge­wes­en ge­habt hab­en ge­word­en sein,[1] also Not­en Sie Kom­mas for Dec­i­mal­punkten Um­steig­en. Gewesen.
See right.

More Naughty Edits[edit]

From Lowell House [18]:

Museum of Little-Known Wallace and Gromit Characters[edit]

Lady Catherine Augusta Amelia Gladys de Burgh, Duchess of Scrotum

See left.

Museum of Bird-Brained Ideas[edit]

During World War II, Project Pigeon was American behaviorist B.F. Skinner's attempt to develop a pigeon-controlled guided bomb.


Early electronic guidance systems use similar methods, only with electronic signals and processors replacing the birds.

Museum of terrifying scenarios which must be faced unflinchingly[edit]

I would not rule out the chance to pre­serve a nu­cle­us of non-lunatic human spec­i­mens ... Nat­u­ral­ly, they would breed pro­di­gious­ly, eh? There would be much time, and little to do.
"If Wikipedians were to decide to ban all the loonies, only Jimbo and Gerda Arendt would be left." —Maunus

See right. EEng (talk) 04:42, 18 November 2015 (UTC)

Computer re­con­struc­tion of first gen­er­a­tion non-lunatic human spec­i­mens com­bin­ing DNA data­sets from Jimbo and Gerda as an example

Projection of what non-lunatic human specimens would look like after one generation. See left. Viriditas (talk) 04:57, 18 November 2015 (UTC)

50 generations

Museum of Unfortunate Lyrics[edit]

"Words by St. Ephrem Syrus (c A.D. 307-373), versified by G. R. W. Tune of Gathering Peascods" (found in Fritz Spiegl's The Joy of Words):

Saint Joseph, meek and mild,
Embraced the new-born Child,
Then knelt upon the sod ...

More from Spiegl:

Stainer's 'Here in abasement' is difficult to sing without suggesting that the singer's lowly station is not spiritual but in a building...

Museum of Things that Take You Off-Guard[edit]

A notification from the Wikimedia "Alerts" feature:

Dr. Young's Ideal Rectal Dilators was linked from Butt plug. 3 hours ago

Museum of Forerunners to "Just Say No to Drugs"[edit]

Plaque at the "Memorial to Heroic Self-Sacrifice" in London's Postman's Park.
Gateway drug

Several of the Memorial's plaques are quite touching:
"Mother I saved him but I could not save myself"
Sank with him clasped in his arms
Nonetheless the overall effect is decidedly Gorey-esque, particularly in the unlikely scenes of action and odd details sometimes supplied ...
At the sewage pumping works
Quicksand in Lincolnshire
Death under the approaching train from Kew
... as well as the quaint identification of the actors' stations in life:
Daughter of a bricklayer's labourer
Constable saves barmaid
A lunatic woman
To save an aged widow
A stranger and a foreigner
Pantomime artiste
While we're on the subject ... From Edward Gorey:

His characteristic pen-and-ink drawings often depict vaguely unsettling narrative scenes in Victorian and Edwardian settings ... Gorey left the bulk of his estate to a charitable trust benefiting cats and dogs, as well as other species, including bats and insects.

Museum of unexpected turns of the phrase[edit]

From Daguerreotype:

With uncommon exceptions, daguerreotypes made before 1841 were of immobile subjects such as landscapes, public or historic buildings, monuments, statuary, and still life arrangements. Attempts at portrait photography with the Chevalier lens required the sitter to face into the sun for several minutes while trying to remain motionless and look pleasant, usually producing grisly results.

Museum of things you can't post to User talk:SomeOtherEditor no matter how much he or she deserves it[edit]

With thanks to

Polyphonic retort-generating xylophone

Museum of cheesy storylines[edit]

From List of The Archers characters with thanks to Belle the Cat

On New Year's Day 2007, whilst driving drunk, she knocked down Mike Tucker but Tom, a passenger in the car, took the blame. The shock of this event made her reevaluate her life and she has since helped develop a new type of cheese.

Museum of authentic national customs[edit]

From Darden Restaurants

[There was] considerable media attention for its detailed focus on Olive Garden, in particular the chain's "wasteful" practice of serving too many of its free unlimited breadsticks... Management... said the free breadsticks merely represented "Italian generosity."

Museum of blood, toil, tears, and (especially) sweat[edit]

From an ANI closure [19]

... as nothing of the conflict here (which I was completely unaware about) perspired in that thread I suppose uninvolved applies.

Museum of Wise Words[edit]

The flip side of "ownership" is the problem of editors who come to an article with a particular agenda, make the changes they want to the page according to their preconceived notions of what should be, and then flit off to their next victim, without ever considering whether the page really needed the change they made, or whether the change improved the article at all ... Their editing is an off-the-rack, one-size-fits-all proposition, premised on the idea that what improves one article, or one type of article, will automatically improve every other article or type of article ... Wikipedians should worry more about those who hit-and-run, and less about those who feel stewardship towards the articles they work so hard on.

Beyond My Ken

One area the hit and run editor gets involved in is the formatting ... The quality of work has increased in some areas, which makes it harder to contribute without good knowledge in the subject matter and sources. Fiddling with the formatting seems to be a suitable alternative passtime.

  • The Fourth Law of Stupidity: Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid individuals.[20]
  • Ignorance is infinite, while patience is not. Ultimately, you will lose patience with the unchecked flow of ignorance, at which point you'll be blocked for incivility. The goal is to accomplish as much as possible before that inevitability comes to pass.
  • On Wikipedia, any form of real-life expertise is a serious handicap. If you have real-life expertise on a subject, do not under any circumstances mention it here.
  • The more abusive an editor is toward others, the more thin-skinned they are about "personal attacks" directed at themselves.

Museum of Dubious Achievements[edit]


Museum of Additional Reasons that Warmongers Go to Hell[edit]

Restoring this section after realizing some busybody had removed it [22]

Lionel de Jersey Harvard. EEng (talk) 3:43 am, 1 February 2015, Sunday (4 months, 24 days ago) (UTC−5)

Museum of Perhaps Not the Best Choice[edit]

Believe it or not, an actual image, and actual caption, from the article Cremation
Brace yourself
Cremation of a dead body (Germany)

Museum of Swell Heads[edit]

From a source cited in Manahel Thabet, a hoax article about someone with a PhD "magna cum laude" in "Financial Engineering", and a "second PhD in 2012, this time with a major in quantum mathematics", who went on to develop "a formula to measure distance in space in the absence of light".

The 33-year-old economist and passionate scientist possessed dreams far bigger than her own head.

Museum of Timeless Design[edit]

"Yes, it's one of Mr Wales' "Five Pillars"... but which one is it, boys and girls??"
From Flak tower, about the gigantic concrete towers built to defend major German cities, and shelter their civilians from air attack, during World War II:
  • G-Tower was transformed into a nightclub with a music school and music shops.
  • L-Tower was demolished after the war and replaced by a very similar looking building by T-Mobile.

Museum of Le mot juste[edit]

Given that, I'm going to take the time to formally remind all concerned here of the discretionary sanctions panopticon looming over style and naming discussions on Wikipedia.

— From a discussion [23] of whether the word Station (or station) should be capitalized in the names of subway and railway stations.

Panopticon: A circular prison with cells arranged around a central well, from which prisoners could at all times be observed. A design also seen in asylums.

— Definition from somewhere on the web

Museum of New-Editor Retention Tactics[edit]

From a thread [24] discussing the discouragement felt by novice editors who find their fledgling efforts at article creation CSD'd. One editor facetiously proposed a template to "soften the blow". Other suggestions followed...
Dear newbie, this is a friendly note to say I have asked that your new article on .example be deleted from Wikipedia. In fact, it is probably gone already! I did not check that the subject belonged in Wikipedia, because as you can imagine I am a very busy person, but my impression of the first version you saved was that it was worthless. I do hope you decide to try again. We always enjoy new editors. Thank you and have a nice day. Aymatth2 (talk)
  • I like it, except instead of the smiley face I suggest one of these:
EEng (talk) 10:18, 13 April 2015 (UTC)

Museum of Titulary Deflation[edit]

From the discussion re Did you know nominations/Jane Eyre (1910 film), during which I had suggested the "hook"
... that the main character in Jane Eyre is pointedly titular?
Sadly, a different hook was selected to appear on Wikipedia's Main Page.

Personally I think "pointedly titular" would be a good followup to Dr. Young's Ideal Rectal Dilators, but perhaps the world isn't yet ready for such forward thinking. EEng (talk) 01:45, 9 April 2015 (UTC) Much later: Shame I didn't say "forward-pointing"—​​a tragic missed opportunity. EEng (talk)

No matter how bouncily titillating such a play would be to us, I fear most people wouldn't be abreast of the context and thus it would fall flat.  — Crisco 1492 (talk) 10:30, 9 April 2015 (UTC)
So you think it might have been a bust? EEng (talk) 16:27, 9 April 2015 (UTC)

Category:Busts in the United Kingdom

Museum of Deadpan Bathroom Humor[edit]

From a discussion [25] of how to retrieve the missing pageview statistics for the April 1, 2015 appearance of the DYK "hook"
Did you know ... that Dr. Young's Ideal Rectal Dilators were forcibly withdrawn after officials clamped down on them?
Dr. Young's device was a putative cure for, among other things, constipation. The management of this page is of course disgusted by such childish humor but feels it should nonetheless be memorialized here as an example of how far otherwise valuable contributors can sometimes fall:

The good news is that the raw data is available and so you can drill down for specific articles ... Given time, I could assemble a full set of stats for the day but the dumps are large ... If these dumps are too large and indigestible then another option is to try something similar again. I created the stub rectal dilator when I first came across the topic here and it is still small and tight. It would be easy to expand that five times to create an even larger passage... :) Andrew D. (talk) 13:17, 4 April 2015 (UTC)

Museum of Can We Go Over That One More Time Just to Be Sure I've Got It?[edit]

From Civil defense siren#United States:

The Yellow Alert and Red Alert signals correspond to the earlier Alert Signal and Attack Signal, respectively, and the early Federal Signal AR timer siren control units featured the Take Cover button labeled with a red background, and the Alert button labeled with a yellow background. Later AF timers changed the color-coding, coloring the Alert button blue, the Take Cover button yellow, and the Fire button red (used to call out volunteer fire fighters), thus confusing the color-coding of the alerts. In 1955, the Federal Civil Defense Administration again revised the warning signals, altering them to adapt to deal with concern over nuclear fallout. The new set of signals were the Alert Signal (unchanged) and the Take-Cover Signal (previously the Attack Signal).

Museum of Not Even a Silver Lining[edit]

From the biography of Louis Agassiz Shaw II:

An eccentric snob, he kept a copy of the Social Register near the telephone, instructing his staff not to accept calls from anyone not listed.[1] After confessing to strangling his 60-year-old maid in 1964 he was committed to McLean Hospital, where he lived for 23 years. Much of his art collection, which he wanted to donate to the Fogg Museum, was found to be fakes.

Museum of "For Want of a Nail"[edit]

From Flinders Petrie:

When he died in 1942, Petrie donated his head (and thus his brain) to the Royal College of Surgeons of London while his body was interred in the Protestant Cemetery on Mt. Zion. World War II was then at its height, and the head was delayed in transit. After being stored in a jar in the college basement, its label fell off and no one knew who the head belonged to.

Museum of You're Not Helping[edit]

From St Andrew's Stadium with thanks to Martinevans123:

Three months later, the Main Stand, which was being used as a temporary National Fire Service station, burned down, destroying the club's records and equipment – "not so much as a lead pencil was saved from the wreckage" – when a fireman mistook a bucket of petrol for water when intending to damp down a brazier.

Museum of Less Unhygienic Undergrads[edit]


Museum of Suspiciously Congruent Estimates[edit]

Background: Wikipedia:India Education Program/Analysis/WMF interviews discusses cultural issues in getting Indian editors to understand the concept of plagiarism. Its text read, in part,
Two interviewees separately estimated that about 5% of students in India never copy and paste, and generally these students do so because they feel that copying and pasting is wrong.
An irresistible impulse caused me to add a footnote to that sentence, which read
<ref>In followup interviews, both interviewees added that they had copied the 5% figure from an article they read somewhere.</ref>
Here's what happened next...

Hi EEng, please refrain from adding unhelpful and erroneous edits like this to pages in which we are trying to engage in a productive and thoughtful analysis of what went wrong in our pilot program. I appreciate the humor in your addition, but this is a very serious subject, and I ask that you treat it with the respect it deserves in the future. Thanks. -- LiAnna Davis (WMF) (talk) 16:37, 2 December 2011 (UTC)

Humor doesn't imply disrespect, nor does it detract in any way from productive and thoughtful analysis -- it might even add to it. At least I read the thing [27]. Of course, I would never dream of doing what I did on an article page (as opposed to a project page) but I'd be lying if I said I won't do it again in a similar situation. I see in other discussion (e.g. point 1 of [28]) concerns over WMF staff's grasp of how things are really done on WP, and I think this may be an example. EEng (talk) 02:04, 6 December 2011 (UTC)

Museum of Holy Outrage Outrage[edit]

From, a breakfast cereal homage site:

Elijah's Manna Box.jpg

Elijah's Manna was Post's first attempt at corn flakes. The box featured the Biblical Prophet Elijah kicking back on a rock while a raven is shown either plucking cereal from his hand or placing cereal in his hand.

Church groups were outraged over the use of Elijah as a cereal mascot. The book Cerealizing America by Scott Bruce and Bill Crawford has a quote from C. W. Post who was outraged at the outrage over his new cereal: "Perhaps no one should eat angel food cake, enjoy Adam's ale, live in St. Paul, nor work for Bethlehem Steel ... one should have his Adam's apple removed and never again name a child for the good people of the bible."

Post stuck with his guns until he noticed the Biblical backlash was cutting into his sales. In 1908, he renamed the cereal as Post Toasties. Micky Mouse would later replace the Prophet Elijah on the box.

Museum of "I honestly did not see that coming"[edit]

From Winfield House, about the official London residence of the US Ambassador to the United Kingdom...

The actual house was designed by Decimus Burton for the notorious Regency rake, the 3rd Marquess of Hertford, who used it for orgies.

Museum of Computer Porn[edit]

Barnstar of Humour Hires.png The Barnstar of Good Humor
This was entertaining. So, when will Bodice-Ripping Bots be out in theaters? Sophus Bie (talk) 10:42, 28 September 2013 (UTC)
When correctly viewed / Everything is lewd.
I could tell you things about Peter Pan / And the Wizard of Oz—there's a dirty old man!
Tom Lehrer

This literary gem, which came to me in a deliroius fog after I noticed User:BracketBot leaving a message on User:Citation bot's talkpage (though I need to say that the final, um, climax is cribbed from a vaguely remembered cartoon from the 90s). Bracketbot notifies editors who make changes apparently resulting in unbalanced parens, brackets, and similar markup in articles, and had given Citationbot just such a notification:

[From the upcoming major motion picture Bodice-Ripping Bots.]
Parental Advisory:
  • UF – Undocumented Features
  • ST – Strong Typing
  • MSI – Master-Slave Interfaces
  • BL – Binding and Linking
  • EP – Explicit Parallelism
  • OC / AL – some Open Coding and Assembly Language
"Oh, hi, I'm Citationbot. Thanks – I've been looking everywhere for that other bracket! So you're that big strong Bracketbot I've heard so much about. Why don't you come into my domain? That's not my usual protocol, but a guy with so much cache makes a girl feel really secure. I wasn't expecting to host, so pardon my open proxy – a bit RISCé, perhaps, but just something I wear around the server farm. Do my transparent upper layers expose my virtual mammary memory? These dual cores are absolutely real – 100% native configuration – no upgrades at all! I'll just slip into a more user-friendly interface – how about something GUI ... or perhaps you prefer command-line? – kinky! ..." Gosh, you must be 64-bit really big quads! – and completely hardcoded – such a complex instruction set! And look at those great ABS addresses!
Later: "Oh, Bracketbot! Port me to that platform for some horizontal integration! Go ahead and expose my implementation and directly access my low-level interface – forget the wrapper function! I'm overloaded by your amazing data stream – and what a high refresh rate! My husband has a really short cycle time and his puny little floppy drive is subject to frequent hardware failures – sometimes he won't reboot so I have to manually terminate him! And I've never had 10 gigabytes of hard drive before! Let's FTP! ... Oh god! I'm downloading ..."
Postscript: Those naughty bots are still going at it hammer and tongs [29].

Museum of grandiose fulfillments of Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies[edit]

From an editor's complaints about the consensus principle [30]:

A majority of people decided to elect Hitler, but that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. A majority of people in the South wanted to maintain slavery and break away from the union, but that doesn't mean it was right, ethical, or just. Politics put Jesus to death, but that doesn't mean it was right, ethical, or just either. ... Perhaps unlike many here, I look at the bigger picture.

Museum of Unintentionally Hilarious Edit Outcomes[edit]

[31] First look at the diff, then see the last image on the right—​​um... note the caption.

(with thanks to Martinevans123: [32])

Museum of saucy edits[edit]

From the Talk page for Prawn Cocktail, "a seafood dish consisting of shelled, cooked, prawns in a Marie Rose sauce"...

The lead says the prawn cocktail "'has spent most of [its life] see-sawing from the height of fashion to the laughably passé' and is now often served with a degree of irony." It's my understanding that people with anemia will often add even more irony as a dietary supplement. I think that should be recognized in the article. EEng (talk) 05:26, 28 June 2014 (UTC)
Please provide a reliable sauce. Philafrenzy (talk) 10:00, 28 June 2014 (UTC)

Other saucy humor[edit]

[33] (check out the edit summary).

Museum of tasteless proposals for ice-cream flavors[edit]

The Harry Elkins Widener Memorial Float (traditionally served with iceberg lettuce)

Since Ben & Jerry's is soliciting ideas for library-themed ice-cream flavors (such as "Gooey Decimal System" and "Sh-sh-sh-sherbet") my nomination may be seen at right.

A wise man once said...[edit]

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose ("Wait for coins to drop, then make your selection").
Words in bold are for the assistance of the humor-impaired.

Proof that the ancient Romans foresaw the internet, Wikipedia, and the bane of WP autobios[edit]

Plutarch relates, that before this, upon some of Cato's friends expressing their surprise, that while many persons without merit or reputation had statues, he had none, he answered, "I had much rather it should be asked why the people have not erected a statue to Cato, than why they have."

— Encyclopaedia Britannica (1797)

Museum of Unlikely Library Subject Classifications[edit]

Bacteriologists – Fiction.
Married people – Fiction.
Adultery – Fiction.
Cholera – Fiction.

Museum of dangerous editing tools[edit]

I was rather sad to see "removed Category:People who survived assassination attempts using AWB", in the edit summary here. Looks as if it would have been an interesting category.

Mirokado (talk) 19:41, 9 September 2014 (UTC)

Jonas added detailed material on an SS officer who blackmailed the mayor of Belgrade into surrendering by threatening to have the city bombed with an edit summary praising that officer.


Museum of Bizarre Reversions[edit]

[Copied from User talk:EEng]

Edit summaries[edit]

As per WP:REVTALK, if you have something to say, use the talk page, don't try to prolong a (pointless) discussion by use of the summaries. - SchroCat (talk) 21:00, 3 July 2014 (UTC)

Per COMMONSENSE, you're just too funny. I've never seen anyone revert a dummy edit before -- much less twice! [35] The important thing is that through collaborative editing the article is incrementally improved relative to its state when the sun came up this morning. EEng (talk) 21:11, 3 July 2014 (UTC) P.S. I'm making this the founding entry in the Museum of Bizarre Reversions on my userpage.

Godwin's Law boomerang[edit]

For those who are wondering, the following exchange regards these two edits -- the first a serious (and perfectly appropriate) one by Edokter, and the second a followup dummy edit I made riffing off his edit summary:
[36] Edit summary (Edokter): i and 1 are too alike
[37] Edit summary (EEng): (dummy edit) You're saying 1 and i are too?
I keep forgetting, however, about the small minority of WP editors with congenital humor impairment, and the even smaller minority who seem to want to spoil the fun for everyone else. I'm not sure, even now, if Herr Doktor gets the joke.

Please stop making dummy edits for messaging. These edits, as well as the ones required to clean up the added spacing, add unnecessary load to the servers and polute the history. Thank you. -- [[User:Edokter]] {{talk}} 15:31, 17 February 2015 (UTC)

Please stop dispensing hidebound, clueless scoldings. Your notion of what constitutes "load to the servers", and your idea that there's a "requirement" to "clean up" a single space added to a page as part of a dummy edit (as, unbelievably, you actually squandered server resources to do -- twice! [38][39]) are delusional. You have no idea what you're talking about.
Humor is a legitimate way of furthering the project by increasing the pleasure of (at least some of) those who edit here. If it doesn't tickle your personal funnybone, just ignore it. If, on the other hand, you don't even grasp the humor intended then there's a serious clue problem in play here. EEng (talk) 16:27, 17 February 2015 (UTC)
Are you done? OK, so I missed the joke. That is no reason to repeat a nonsense edit. Edit summaries are not ment for messaging. And yes, stray spaces can cause disruption in diffs; that is why I remove them. And I resent being associated with nazis; that is personal attack! -- [[User:Edokter]] {{talk}} 18:59, 17 February 2015 (UTC)
Yeah, you missed the joke. Three times. Even after your attention was called to it directly. Next time, before scolding an experienced editor with your nonsense about server load, think about whether it's you who's confused. Your continued fussing about an extra space at the end of a line shows that you have no grasp of technical issues at all.
I've restored the words Herr Doktor (in the phrase I'm not sure, even now, if Herr Doktor gets the joke) because otherwise people might think that I actually did compare you to a Nazi. It's beyond weird (paging Herr Doktor Freud!) that you seem to think that addressing you that way, after your dyspeptic lecture in direct contravention to well-known and accepted editing practice (see H:DUMMY#Methods), somehow does that.
Lighten up, smarten up, think more, scold less. EEng (talk) 19:38, 17 February 2015 (UTC)

──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────── I do not like any allusion to any German figure of authority! I can take a joke, but this truly offends me. I have made note of it on ANI. -- [[User:Edokter]] {{talk}} 21:41, 17 February 2015 (UTC)

You equate all German authority figures to Nazis. Noted. EEng (talk) 22:04, 17 February 2015 (UTC)
[Not surprisingly, the OP's post at ANI (entitled "I put EEng on notice") didn't go as he planned [40]. No apology, no indication of any glimmer of understanding from this (yes) Wikipedia administrator.]

Museum of Overanxious Notifications[edit]

Apparently because I joked that statues should be measured in statute miles? [41] ...
Extended content

Discretionary sanctions notification - MOS[edit]

Commons-emblem-notice.svg Please carefully read this information:

The Arbitration Committee has authorised discretionary sanctions to be used for pages regarding the English Wikipedia Manual of Style and article titles policy, a topic which you have edited. The Committee's decision is here.

Discretionary sanctions is a system of conduct regulation designed to minimize disruption to controversial topics. This means uninvolved administrators can impose sanctions for edits relating to the topic that do not adhere to the purpose of Wikipedia, our standards of behavior, or relevant policies. Administrators may impose sanctions such as editing restrictions, bans, or blocks. This message is to notify you sanctions are authorised for the topic you are editing. Before continuing to edit this topic, please familiarise yourself with the discretionary sanctions system. Don't hesitate to contact me or another editor if you have any questions.

This message is informational only and does not imply misconduct regarding your contributions to date.
Callanecc (talkcontribslogs) 12:49, 9 October 2014 (UTC)

A rolling stone gathers no MOS[edit]

In the last 48 hr I've become aware of a simmering dispute over whether the text of MOS itself should be in American or British English. With any luck the participants will put that debate (let's call it Debate D1) on hold in order to begin Debate D2: consideration of the variety of English in which D1 should be conducted. Then, if there really is a God in Heaven, D1 and D2 will be the kernel around which will form an infinite regress of metadebates D3, D4, and so on -- a superdense accretion of pure abstraction eventually collapsing on itself to form a black hole of impenetrable disputation, wholly aloof from the mundane cares of practical application and from which no light, logic or reason can emerge.
That some editors will find themselves inexorably and irreversibly drawn into this abyss, mesmerized on their unending trip to nowhere by a kaleidoscope of linguistic scintillation reminiscent of the closing shots of 2001, is of course to be regretted. But they will know in their hearts that their sacrifice is for the greater good of Wikipedia. That won't be true, of course, but it would be cruel to disabuse them of that comforting fiction as we bid them farewell and send them on their way.[2]

More MOSsy thoughts:

A. It is an axiom of mine that something belongs in MOS only if (as a necessary, but not sufficient test) either:
  • 1. There is a manifest a priori need for project-wide consistency (e.g. "professional look" issues such as consistent typography, layout, etc. -- things which, if inconsistent, would be noticeably annoying, or confusing, to many readers); OR
  • 2. Editor time has, and continues to be, spent litigating the same issue over and over on numerous articles, either
  • (a) with generally the same result (so we might as well just memorialize that result, and save all the future arguing), or
  • (b) with different results in different cases, but with reason to believe the differences are arbitrary, and not worth all the arguing -- a final decision on one arbitrary choice, though an intrusion on the general principle that decisions on each article should be made on the Talk page of that article, is worth making in light of the large amount of editor time saved.
B. There's a further reason that disputes on multiple articles should be a gating requirement for adding anything to MOS: without actual situations to discuss, the debate devolves into the "Well, suppose an article says this..."–type of hypothesizing -- no examples of which, quite possibly, will ever occur in the real life of real editing. An analogy: the US Supreme Court (like the highest courts of many nations) refuses to rule on an issue until multiple lower courts have ruled on that issue and been unable to agree. This not only reduces the highest court's workload, but helps ensure that the issue has been "thoroughly ventilated", from many points of view and in the context of a variety of fact situations, by the time the highest court takes it up. I think the same thinking should apply to any consideration of adding a provision to MOS.

My special research interest[edit]

I am the second author of Source "M8", and first author of Source "L", in this version of the article on Phineas Gage.

A proposed addition to the ANI toolbox[edit]


For want of a comma, the clause was lost...[edit]


Why every goddam thing needn't be micromanaged in a rule[edit]

From a discussion over whether MOS should require the final comma in constructions like --
On September 11, 2001, several planes ...
and even
On December 25, 2001 (which was Christmas Day), we all went ...

You treat punctuation marks like mathematical operators which organize words into nested structures of Russian-doll clauses and such, and they're nothing like that. Not everything has to be rigidly prescribed and no, I don't buy into the "OhButIfWeDon'tThereWillBeEndlessArgumentOnEachArticle" reasoning just because that might, sometimes happen.

All over Wikipedia there are years with comma following, and years with no comma following, and never have I seen two editors, both of whom are actually engaged on a particular article, in serious conflict over a particular instance of that question. The discussion might go, "Hmmm... I'd use a comma myself but if you prefer none... yeah, that looks OK too. Now about that source-reliability question we were discussing..." but that's about it.

Where I've seen actual trouble is when other editors -- who have shown (and will subsequently show) no active interest in the article itself -- arrive out of nowhere in their radar-equipped year-with-no-comma–detector vans, then break down the door to weld court-ordered ankle-bracelet commas onto some harmless 2001 whose only crime was appearing in public with his trailing digit exposed -- something which (these prudish enforcers of Victorian punct-morality seem never to understand) was considered perfectly acceptable in most cultures throughout human history.

(Did you know, for example, that in the ancient Olympic games, years and days competed completely naked, without even a comma between them? I'm not advocating that unhygienic extreme but a bit of exposed backside shouldn't shock anyone in this enlightened age. But I digress, so back to our narrative underway...)

Having rendered yet another noble service in defense of the homeland (as they like to tell themselves) they jump back into their black SUVs and scurry up their rappelling ropes to their double-rotor helicopters and fly off to their next target, never knowing or caring whether that particular article has, or has not, been improved by their visitation. Certainly all the breaking of the crockery and smashing of the furniture can't have helped, but order has been restored and choas beaten back, which is what's important.

During all this the neighbors cower in their homes with the lights out, glad that they are not the targets of these jackbooted comma-thugs -- at least not this time. "Look," they say to their children, "that's what happens if you don't obey the rules. You should love Big Brother MOS for his heroic dedication to relieving you of the burden of deciding anything for yourself."


As Hannah Arendt put is so well: "It is the inner coercion whose only content is the strict avoidance of contradictions that seems to confirm a man's identity outside relationships with others. It fits him into the iron band of terror even when he is alone, and totalitarian domination tries never to leave him alone except in the extreme situation of solitary confinement. By destroying all space between men and pressing men against each other, even the productive potentialities of isolation are annihilated..." Or as John Stuart Mill -- himself a great lover of commas, so you can't dismiss him as a bleeding-heart, comma-omitting permissive corruptor of young punctuators -- said... Oh, never mind.

You say

Punctuation is not some flighty thing that you use when it feels right or the mood takes you (otherwise the MOS would be redundant).

Yes, if we can't prescribe and control every detail of usage and punctuation societal decay sets in and soon there is immorality, open homosexuality, interracial marriage, and baby murder.. Or perhaps I've misunderstood you?

The opposite of rigid prescription of everything isn't "flightiness" on everything; the opposite of rigid prescription on everything is measured guidance appropriate to the point being discussed:

  • Rigid prescription where truly appropriate.
  • Clear direction where experience shows people often go wrong
  • Enumeration of alternatives where choices are available
  • Universal advice to use common sense no matter what

That last point, BTW, is one of the first thing MOS says. I'm quite aware that there's a MOS rule requiring comma-after-year. And I'm telling you that removing it, or changing it to a short mention that opinions differ on this, would go a long way toward repairing the disdain many editors have for those parts of MOS which ridiculously overreach and overprescribe, thereby preserving respect for its important provisions on things that really matter.

Handy stuff[edit]

Committed identity: c309c34e3123d5f4c32bac3cb090519be7053b40 is a SHA-1 commitment to this user's real-life identity.
Committed identity: 91f6dee93f2dbb87615959e81f4554555b257eba is a SHA-1 commitment to this user's real-life identity.
Committed identity: 69a91f307a0e9d7c5341c47461708354d081d30c is a SHA-1 commitment to this user's real-life identity.

Possibly useful in future:

Farm-Fresh outlook ignore email.png Ignored
Hey, it looks like you have won the Ignored award for being ignored by someone, well done! This user has ignored you because: XXXXX

Sudden-unexplained-viewspike detectors[edit]

Phineas Gage

John Harvard (clergyman) ——— John Harvard (statue)

Widener Library

Jean Berko Gleason ——— Sacred Cod

Jack and Ed Biddle ——— Dr. Young's Ideal Rectal Dilators

Eleanor Elkins Widener ——— Lionel de Jersey Harvard

Charles R. Apted ——— Andrew M. Gleason

Paddy Murphy (Liverpudlian) ——— History and traditions of Harvard commencements

User:EEng ——— User talk:EEng


  1. ^ Beam, Alex (2001). "Chapter 9: Staying on: the elders from planet Upham". Gracefully Insane: Life and Death Inside America's Premier Mental Hospital. New York: Public Affairs. pp. 169–90. ISBN 978-1-58648-161-2. 
  2. ^ [1]