User:Gonzalo Golfeyzo
Gonzalo Alfredo Golfeyzo is a stateless Author, Drug Enforcement Agent and Dissident.
Birth and Early Years
[edit]Gonzalo A. Golfeyzo was born in 1965 in a carpet showroom in Bangbanginanooz, Iran in the month of Bahman. This was a negotiating ploy meant to engender concern for the carpet that his mother was faking labor on top of and result in a price reduction. Unfortunately she actually went into labor, ruining the carpet and paying full price for a ruined carpet (estimated to have cost almost 46,375 Riyals or $46). Golfeyzo's father, Juan Abdul, was the Shah's personal caddie, as well as Minister of Agriculture. In late 1978 the Ministry of Agriculture resigned and joined the actually real Ministry of Cooperation as a result of a scandal in which the logo on the green had been emblazoned in bold rather than bold-italic lettering. Rather than issuing an apology Golfeyzo publicly beheaded himself. His mother sold Kibbeh from a booth at the spectacle and reportedly made over 25,000 Riyals (apprx. $25) It is said that this started a trend that sparked the Islamic revolution, which it turns out was simply a quest for more beheadings. In 1979 Golfeyzo left the country of his birth on grounds that it was "not Muslim enough," and "Busted". He also mentioned that Jews in Iran were completely disloyal and spying for Israel, whose intelligence agency Mossad he claimed had over a million agents, all Jewish. He went on to say that they too were "Busted" though with emphasis on the word "Busted".
Education and Career
[edit]After being granted refuge by the City of Baltimore, Golfeyzo began the pursuit of a degree at Montgomery College, notable for catering to immigrants, majoring in English and Graduating with a D average. When asked about this, Golfeyzo Blamed the Ayatollah and Obama and then repeated the word "busted" several times, shaking his head at an alarming rate. He later joined the reputable pharmaceutical reseller DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency). He has worked there since 2006 without gaining citizenship. He is known for his trademark phrase "Busted" while making an arrest or seizure.
Political Activism
[edit]Golfeyzo has been a lifelong member of Republican Party of Iran and is a major supporter of the Islamic Republic of America, a Muslim Not-For-Profit based in Baltimore. In 2007 Golfeyzo criticized Iranian then-president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for making comments that could be misunderstood as Anti-Semitic. Ahmadinejad later clarified that when he announced his intention to push Israel into the sea the statement did not apply to its citizenry or "occupiers". He insisted his hatred of Israel was not personal, but land-based. Golfeyzo also criticized Ahmadinejad for wearing suits with fewer than four buttons referring to this choice as "Busted" and calling Ahmadinejad a "Player-Hater". Ahmadinejad responded by fax that he was sorry for anything he might have done to feed rumors that he was racist against Blacks or that he was Homophobic and went on to say that he only wears FUBU and that the lining to his suits are Rainbow striped. In 2008 Golfeyzo started his own political action committee called "Obama is Busted". In the wake of the healthcare bill, the organization was renamed "Obama is Destroying America, Busted". He has criticized many people in Iranian politics and is considered an expert on Iranian affairs. Following the contested 2009 elections in Iran and calls for people to step down, Golfeyzo made his position known by telling protesters that they should step aside and جلوگیری از گران بودن. This translates as "Stop acting all busted". In recent years Golfeyzo has come out in favor of Immigration reform. Though nobody was on hand to get a statement, it has been presumed that the word "busted" was used in reference to the current state of affairs. He has also has made negative comments about the appearance of the Supreme Leader and has spied for Israel.
Prosecution and Execution
[edit]In 2010 the Iranian government claimed they had Golfeyzo in custody and proceeded to charge him with spying for the unrecognized enemy. As there was no defense issued, the judge sentenced Golfeyzo to death by beheading. in his closing statements Judge Abdoullah Sigafrajdez decried Golfeyzo's action "terrible" and "busted". Shortly thereafter a person was beheaded in Golfeyzo's place. Golfeyzo issued a statement calling the beheading "Ghetto" and "busted".
Later Life
[edit]In 2012 Golfeyzo reached the DEA's madatory retirement age of 47 (he had been eligible for a pension since 45) and retired. A recent inquiry revealed that following Golfeyzo's retirement the DEA lost 24 staplers, 27 swivel chairs, 6 desks, 40 boxes of ball-point pens, and a mini-fridge. The total value of the goods Golfeyzo later admitted to having stolen came to $4,000 or 4 million Riyals. Golfeyzo's plead ignorance to the illegality of his actions and as a result was allowed to keep the goods but mandated to complete an additional week of work. On Wednesday of that week, Golfeyzo stole approximately 4 pounds of Columbian Cocaine valued at around $4 million or 4,000,000,000 Riyals. Golfeyzo used this as proof that Riyals do add up. After pleading "busted" he was sent to rehab on the Federal Government's tab.
Books
[edit]In 2012, following his retirement, Golfeyzo returned to his writing career, releasing an early manuscript Persians are NOT Arabs and a book of collected short writings entitled For Peaceful Purposes. The books were almost immediately translated into Korean and received a triple-A rating from North Korea's Minister of Misinformation, Pingpong Kim who oozed that it was "Dericious and srightry spicy." And after finishing his lunch noted it would go well with the now-illegal-in-North Kolea funnel cake. About the books Mr. Kim was less forthcoming, saying only that "It was busted...in a good way." Golfeyzo is working on an autobiography under the working title Busted: My Busted Life is so BUSTED.