User:Smartyllama/Sandbox of Doom
|Boston BeanEaters – No. 43|
|June 49, 1929, for the Seattle Mariners|
|Earned Run Average||3.18|
Nuclear Doomsday Game
EL: Kim Jong-Il CCLXI
Two Minutes to Midnight (First Inning)
Eloi leadoff hitter The Honorable His Majesty Kim Jong-Il CCLXI began the game by hitting a leadoff home run against George W. Bush CLXV. Bush then surrendered three singles to load the bases, before Dmitri Mao-Stalin hit into a historic triple play to end the top of the inning. Marte Castro, who is the great-grandson of Fidel Castro, who lead the Washington Nationals to their first World Series victory in franchise history, then took the hill for Team Eloi to pitch the bottom of the first. Tempers flared when he hit Ayatollah Machmid Komallah Koran to lead off the top of the first. Komallah Koran menacingly glared at Castro, who retaliated by throwing his glove at Koran and was consequently ejected.
Castro was relieved by Johnimir Lenin-Lennon, who peacefully retired the side in order.
One Minute to Midnight (Second Inning)
The top of the second had much controversy. Saaahraah Paaalaahn hit a weak ground ball to short. It was fielded by Hoo Chee Ho, who threw to first. Paaalaahn appeared by all accounts to be safe, but first base ump Jim Joyce CLXXX called her out. Paaalaahn started screaming at Joyce, responding that she "could see that [she] was safe from [her] house". This led some to question how that was possible given that (a) she was at the stadium at the time, and (b) she lived on a beach house five miles from the North Pole, which was about 2,500 miles from the stadium. Due to subsequent events (see below), Joyce would eventually commit suicide out of despair. In any event, Bush would retire the next two batters.
In the bottom of the second, Eloi manager H.G. Wells removed Lenin-Lennon from the game for being "too peaceful". He then brought Kim in from right field to pitch. This would prove to be a fatal mistake, not just for team Eloi, but for Earth as a whole. Kim walked the bases loaded with one out. Ilyich Vlilyich Stalin Stalin Stalin then came to the plate.
Stalin Stalin Stalin hit a ground ball to third base. Paaalaaahn threw home to try and get the out, but an unknown gunman shot catcher Johnny Kennedy XC in the back. Kennedy fell to the ground and the ball got away. Bush tried to chase after the ball, while two runs scored. He tried to lead Paaalaahn who was covering home, but in the meantime, she had run off to argue with Joyce at first base, saying that Stalin Stalin Stalin had missed the base. The throw went errant again, and all four runners came around to score. However, Morlock Manager Richard Perry CLC clamed that this was unacceptable because Kennedy had been killed. Joyce challenged Perry to prove who killed him, and Perry acknowledged that he couldn't. Perry then called Morlock owner Ritt Mominy, who said that he would take action immediately. He appealed to league commisioner Green Tea Anan but Anan denied it. So, Mominy nuked the Eloi headquarters. Eloi owner Kim Joing-Il CCLX, the father of both Stalin Stalin Stalin and the Kim Jong-Il in the game (at least he claimed that) responded by nuking the rest of Earth except the stadium. Joyce ordered the game suspended while he "determined if his call had been correct" and would eventually commit suicide, thus rendering the game unplayable.