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The Story of Secret Nam by Trixerblue23
We all know about the historical wars. WW1, WW2, Korea, Afghanistan, Iraq, etc. But what the government doesn't tell you are the stories of the secret wars. There's plenty of them, but what I'm about to tell you is the story of one of those wars. It's the Story of Secret Nam.
Secret Nam was first established in the 1400's, a time which people didn't have electricity or bathrooms; for people that don't know a lot about history. It started when the five high-arc powers came to be. They are The Trixerites, The Medinights, The Bonelessites, The Jakities, and the Shreks. They all lived in harmony up until the 1480's. The Shreks declared war on all four of the kingdoms. The Shreks were winning with there ogre super powers of flying over our walls and pillaging all of the villages. It was dark times. In 1492, we decided to flee from the kingdoms before all hope was lost. In history books he is known as Christopher Columbus, but his real name was Derga Burg. Our kingdoms hired Derga Burg to go and establish a new trade route with our fellow Jakities in Southern East Asia, for you people who don't know where The Jakities are located. So Derga Burg went on his quest to find this new trade route. He took with him his best friend Tomato Man, who is the first ancestor of all Tomaties. The 4 empires gave them equipment for their dangerous journey. The Trixerites gave them Trixie Dust, The Medinights gave them climbing gear. The Bonelessites gave them the art of BullSh!t and the supplies needed for the long journey.
They sail for four months on the high open seas, searching and searching, but with no luck. Until a sea monster named Okinawa came and showed them to the New World by mistake. They landed in what was known as the LemonValley, home to the Ninjatas and to the Lemones. Derga Burg met with the chief leader Ninja Lemon, leader of both tribes. Derga Burg asked him if he knew a faster way to India. Ninja Lemon didn't speak the native tongue of this mortal named Derga Burg. So he decided to send him to the Punta Chambers, the worst place on earth besides Shrek's Swamp. Derga Burg was trapped on the newly discovered land until Tomato Man came with his tomato gun called G3t $cr3w3D. They both fled the island and continued on their journey. They continued to sail on the calm waters of the Specific Ocean, up until a storm cloud named Larry came and said, "You want to go? YOU WANT TO GO?!" Larry was a very violent storm cloud, he picked fights with all manner of life, even himself, and Derga Burg had the misfortune of running into him/her/it. Larry blew them off course to the island it's inhabitants called Lamb Isle. It was home to all of the species of lambs in the world. The king lamb named HulkBulkgin lived on top of Mount Lamb Lamb.Him and his wife Nicleblock lived on the island peacefully until Derga Burg came. Derga Burg and his people are known to have huge appetites, so when he landed him and his crew killed all of the lambs on the island and skinned all their hides. This is why lambs today are actually called Derga Burgers. After they all feasted, they decided to go deeper inland. There was a river there known as the River of Sorrows. It's actual name is called Hung He (HUNG-HUUU) by the Secret Chinese, but everyone remembers it because no one can say its name, reason why it's sad. So Derga Burg and his crew sailed up the river backwards doing 360s in the air. They came across the cave of the Samites. They decided to explore the cave because "why the hell why not?". So they put on their climbing gear that The Medinights, gave them; Medinights are known to climb all structures, all structures. They climbed down and arrived at the entrance to the cave. The foul odor emanating from the mouth was almost too much to stand, but curiosity got the best of Derga Burg. They had traveled deep into the cave to catch the first glimpse of the Samites; they were not prepared. It was worse than Derga Burg ever imagined, the Samites were pale, goblin-like people with over-sized fangs and the worst breath in the entire multiverse. They didn't expect the Samites to be hostile, despite killing literally all of their food source, the lambs. Derga Burg, Tomato man, and the rest of the crew were apprehended and bound to chains on the wall in minutes. Turns out the Samites were immune to Tomato man's gun, G3t $cr3w3D. Probably because it only shot high speed tomatoes, and the Samites had pretty strong armor, and they weren't pussies like the Ninjatas, but who knows? Suddenly, the leader of all Samites came out from the darkness. In Samite language, his name was N'hajkey'ah; they called him Jeff for short. "Jeff" spoke the language of the crew, and spoke in a deep voice, "why have you killed all of our food?".Derga Burg answered, "because we we're hungry?". Jeff was so furious that his voice broke the chains and blew them miles up and out of the cave. Derga Burg and his crew ran for their lives to the ship, while the Samites were starting to emerge out of the cave. When they hit the sun they melted into a puddle of water. The rest of them retreated into the caverns below.
It was clear that this wasn't the island they were looking for, so they sailed on, hoping they wouldn't run into Larry the storm cloud again. In the middle of sailing, Derga Burg had a depressing revelation; he had been reading the map upside down the entire time. They were lost at sea. They entire crew was demoralized, so they all took turns slapping Derga Burg, Tomato man slapping him hardest of all. Slapping Derga Burg made everyone feel much better, so they turned the map right side up, and continued on the correct course. It goes without saying, but Derga Burg was banned from touching the map, he wasn't even allowed to look at it. They sailed until they finally reached what they thought was India, but was actually a place named Honolulu. Of course, nobody knew what the hell an India was, so they thought they had finally arrived.
The land was ruled by the Queen named "Thing" or "It" by the locals; and her people were called the Thing-its. But to make it simpler to most people, they called her Haley. Derga Burg and his crew asked where they had arrived, but to no avail, she didn't even know where she was. Everything was peaceful there, the birds and the bees flew in harmony for once. The birds made deathly screeching and the forest animals made noises like what you'd hear if you were downstairs in a New York apartment. The village had few buildings, but the thing was they were made of pure gold. So Derga Burg decided to hatch a plan in order to steal the gold and take it back to the Jakities in order to establish the trade route. He knew it was time to act, so he threw the Trixie Dust at the Queen and she fell under the spell which made her fall for the very unattractive Derga Burg. The crew was in shock, buts that's nothing new, and started gossiping to one another about the love affair. Oh, I forgot to mention the King named MickieClure the Third. In his outrage he committed an ancient ritual called Sen-pi. And thus was the end of the King, but not his bloodline.