Wikipedia:More Best of BJAODN
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Either the page is no longer relevant or consensus on its purpose has become unclear. To revive discussion, seek broader input via a forum such as the village pump.
|This page contains material that is kept because it is considered humorous. |
Please do not take it too seriously.
This is a collection of the best jokes and nonsense from Wikipedia:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense. The criterion for a joke getting on this page is simple: at least one Wikipedian found it hilarious.
- 1 Code Fairy
- 2 From Hell, Michigan
- 3 From User:D3h 3l33t (484I r00lz
- 4 From User talk:D3h 3l33t (484I r00lz
- 5 From Featured Article Candidates
- 6 You have two Wikipedias...
- 7 From User talk:Theresa knott
- 8 From Meta-Human
- 8.1 Intro
- 8.2 History
- 8.3 Metahumans in Modern Society
- 8.4 Metas And The Media
- 9 From VFD:John Kerry flip-flops
- 10 From Procrastinate
- 11 From Knowledge management
- 12 From Homo floresiensis
- 13 Binball
- 14 Pillsbury Doughboy
- 15 Newton's fundamental ratio
- 16 From Afterword
- 17 Exploding Wales
- 18 List of unpopulated professions
- 19 Buying Chocolate
- 20 From stepping
- 21 From 22.86 Centimetre Nails
- 22 Misogyny
- 23 Template:Toomanyboxes
- 24 From Slacker
- 25 From Encyclopedia
- 26 The Early Life of Brian Nichols
- 27 from User talk:Jimbo Wales
- 28 Easter Mass Lates will be cursed template!
- 29 From Fink
- 30 From Abraham Lincoln
- 31 From the TfD for Template:Stub-sorting-stub ☺
- 32 Template:Trash
- 33 From Microsoft
- 34 From Color blindness
- 35 New Rome
- 36 From RoboCop
- 37 From Talk:Adolf Hitler
- 38 From W00t paradox
- 39 From NOP
- 40 Walking
- 41 A guide for the NYPD of who you should search the bag of
- 42 From Band manager
- 43 From Bullfighting
- 44 From I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
- 45 From George W. Bush
- 46 From War of 1812
- 47 From Kylie Minogue
It is well known that the Windows code fairy has the largest wings but cannot fly. The Apple code fairy has the most beautiful wings but they are so small that everyone believes they don't exist. The Linux code fairy looks different depending on who kissed it last. The UNIX code fairy looks like grumpy and old. The SCO-Linux code fairy looks like a lawyer and pursues anyone who kisses the Linux code fairy.
The Code Fairy is an example of folklore mythology which non-programmers know is fiction, but which is sometimes presented by computer programmers as fact, as a way of explaning how a computer program stops working after compiling it, without altering the source code.
-But they do exist!
From Hell, Michigan
Hell's main export is, appropriately, kitsch. Among other things, it has a "fully non-accredited" college, Damnation University -- DamU to alumni -- that sells half-singed diplomas, and a small post office in the back of the general store popular with irate taxpayers and recent divorcees. Also a motorcycle dealership and an ice cream parlor, which bear mentioning by virtue of being the only other businesses in town.
4h 1zzz 4 (!r(uM\/3nti0N D3v!(3, s0 !f 4h 1zzz rh!!D!N9 1n Urr K4R U m!9Ht 93T Bu5xxxed b/ d3h 3ff-B33-3Y3!!!!!!
Note: The user name means "The elite cabal rules". The text means "I is a circumvention device, so if I is riding in your car you might get busted by the F.B.I.!"
- U zh0ULD 83 gr34Tphhu1 zz@T 3y3 d0 N0t #r!te zz3m !N |<L!N90N!!!! &nd zz@t 3Y3 M 3D!T!N9 d3h 4RT!(L3ZZZ zzz3mz31v3zz 1n uR 3NN9L!zh33!!! R U 90!N9 2 84N M3 2 d3h http://l33t.wikipedia.org n0\/\/?
Note: The message means "You should be grateful that I do not write them in Klingon! And that I am editing the articles themselves in your English! Are you going to ban me to the http://l33t.wikipedia.org now?"
From Featured Article Candidates
You have two Wikipedias...
The following joke was deleted from You have two cows as an inappropriate self-reference. It's still funny, though...
Some people say you have two cows. Others disagree. Some experts state that anyone who denies the existence of your cows is probably smoking too much manure, but others revert them and call them Nazis.
...But of course, all such arguments are meaningless, because each adherent argues the proposition from a different place in the experiment. Those who assert two cows do so before opening the box -- that is, before the Eigenstate has collapsed into either a living or a dead cow. Those who deny the existence of any cow have merely opened the wrong box, being (as it were) themselves the subject of a second-level experiment regarding the location of the box.
From User talk:Theresa knott
- (Anon comment:) Redirect to J-K flip-flop, of course.
This article will be written when I'm done doing all the other stuff I have to do first.
I find it ironic that the current procrastinate article is 8,772 words long.
I keep on meaning to add something to this page, ....I'll do it later.
From Knowledge management
A widely accepted 'working definition' of knowledge management applied in worldwide organizations is available from the WWW Virtual Library on Knowledge Management:
- "Knowledge Management caters to the critical issues of organizational adaptation, survival, and competence in face of increasingly discontinuous environmental change.... Essentially, it embodies organizational processes that seek synergistic combination of data and information processing capacity of information technologies, and the creative and innovative capacity of human beings."
This definition not only gives an indication of what Knowledge Management is, but of how its advocates often treat the English language.
Once again, truth is a victim of the NPOV... :-) --JRM 20:34, 2004 Oct 23 (UTC)
From Homo floresiensis
Binball is a sport, invented by schoolfriends Tom Whyman and Ivan Brett when bored with football at school this one time.
Essentially, the sport involves three balls, each similar in weight and size to a basketball, and two bins. There are two teams of fifteen, each with the aim of getting all three balls, at any one time, into their opponent's bin. This constitutes a 'hurley'. At the end of each game (a game lasts nine 'acres', or rounds), the team with the most hurleys win.
Under the Graaf-Becker Ruling (1998), however, hurleymaking is reversed, meaning, in effect, that there are now several ways of poncing a hurley, which are then divided up into different 'locks', or categories. These include:
- The three bin hurley, ie: the traditional hurley, which ponces a full lock.
- The majority hurley, ie: ducking two out of the three balls in the bin, with the pattern: Us-Them-Us, constituting a partial blue lock.
- The reverse hurley, ducking on the pattern them-us-us, reversing their ponce and putting the advantage on you, which obviously ponces a quarter lock, which is either purple or orange, depending on the referee.
- The deadened hurley, tradding the length us-us-them, garnering a pinch at a green tri-lock, following a free shot from navel, providing a clear line at the bin, should you ponce it.
Under the Graaf-Becker Ruling (1998), therefore, the fullest locksmith wins, but only if his colours, when mixed, make a sort of yellowish brown, or else the victor wins. This then rendered all previous scorelines obsolete, thus making semi-professional side Barnsley Town European Champions when the scores were all re-assessed.
The following year (1999), Kazuo Ishigoru, the head of the World Binball Association (WBA) and novelist, famously announced that, "following the announcement of the Graaf-Becker ruling, things have just gotten a bit too silly." The ruling was repealed, the scorelines de-assessed, and Barnsley stripped of their title, much to the dismay of their fan.
Binball's popularity has been on the rise, in this country at least, in recent years, perhaps because of Skysport's ever-popular 'Binball Hour', hosted by Geoffrey Boycott and featuring Just A Minute panelists Gyles Brandreth and Tony Hawks on hand to give their views on the weekend's Binball.
Funny, Binball is a real sport played at my high school! --Alexs letterbox 06:55, 21 Apr 2005 (UTC)
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
In a branch of applied mathematics known as operations research, Newton's fundamental ratio as written in the Principia Combinatorica VI volume expresses the relationship between the positive and negative objects in the subjective perception of a single sentient entity.
The ratio in its most primitive form is written as:
Newton, after receiving literally hundreds of letters of feedback, estimated that this constant is between 10 and 12 inclusive. Later it was proven that is a transcendental number and the latest estimate based on elliptic curve research shows that might in fact be equal to
The ratio was later expanded with the development of axiomatic set theory when it was discovered that if the cardinality of the set p is aleph-null (), then the cardinality of n is at least . However this breaks down in the complex plane iif the slope of the real part of all the elements is a linear function.
Two hundred years later Goedel proposed that the set p could be finitive and possible to calculate for any subject, causing quite an uproar in the mathematical community. However, whatever idea he had died with him in 1978 and no notes remain of it.
An afterword, worded wordily, is a word that proceeds another word. With only one exception, every word that has ever been spoken can be considered an afterword. Afterword: an afterword is a word that is spoken after another word. Since every word that has ever been spoken with the exception of one word is an afterword, what is really significantly more interesting is an anti-afterword. There has only been, and will only ever be, in the history of the universe, 1 anti-afterword. The really ironic thing about the antiafterword, is that it was arguably 'anti-afterword'. See antiafterword
On trying to delete this, the following appeared at Talk:Afterword: WHOEVER SAID THIS IS A CANDIDATE FOR SPEEDY DELETION NEEDS THEIR HEAD READ! IT IS TRUE!!!! DO YOU BELIEN\VE IN THE ANTIAFTWERWORD???????????????????????
This was moved from Exploding Wales:
- In common terms, exploding Wales is what you get when you get Jimbo Wales really, really angry. Despite the evocative terminology, no known casualties or grievous bodily harm has been known to result from such an explosion.
On the talk page, the page creator User:JRM notes:
- This needs a lot more expansion. Could the people who read the mailinglist please confirm or deny the existence of actual instances of this event, and add references? I expect a lot of enthusiasm for this article, so it might be a candidate for Wikipedia:Collaboration of the week. JRM 02:25, 2004 Nov 13 (UTC)
List of unpopulated professions
--They forgot "cunning linguist."
Buying chocolate information is her and you can get chocolate in easter eggs, choco bars, wafer and also white chocolate forms.
Buying chocolate can be difficult at certain times of the year, but should be easy enough if you are feeling chocolatey. Please take note that buying chocolate can be very dangerous and if you buy too much, illegal under THE CONSUMPTION OF CHOCOLATE (United Kingdom) ACT 2002
Chocolate is purchased by going into a shop and following these simple steps:
1. Say "I want chocolate" or "Hey, dude, give me a bar of chocolate now"
or Look for it yourself in the SWEET aisle or under CHOCOLATE
2. Make the purchase by handing over money (usually from 30p upwards) to the shopkeeper or checkout assistant.
or Just run away with it...really fast and hope you don´t get arrested. When you are in prison, saying to other hardened criminals that you are inside for nicking a bar of chocolate could result in you bending over for the soap.
Remember the following:
Chocolate can cause the shits if you eat in large quantities.
Chocolate is best served melted on a member of the opposite sex.
Stepping can also be the name for a process of locomotion—either forward or backward movement engaged in by bipedal (i.e. humans, chickens) and quadripedal (rats, deer) and multi-pedal (i.e. insects) organisms consisting of putting the left foot forward, following with the right foot, and repeating. Monopedal organisms often experience difficulty in stepping.
In general, for bipedal organisms like humans, stepping is done as follows:
- Extend one foot forward (hereafter known as the primary foot). In the military, the left foot is often used to start off, though in casual settings no one really gives a shit.
- Plant aforemtioned primary foot down as you shift your weight forward. As you do so begin to lift the heel of your other foot (hereafter known as the secondary foot) up.
- Raise up your secondary foot from the ground (or whatever you happen to be walking on) and bring it forward, then extend it out and repeat.
There are of course other methods of stepping. Many people use their secondary foot's toes to push off the ground. It is also possible, for instance, to do it extremely quickly. This is known as running. In running, as you extend the secondary foot forward, the primary foot has already left the ground (or whatever you happen to be running on).
The walking step is a rolling motion.
- Strike the ground first with your heel, your ankle flexed.
- Roll through the step from heel to toe.
- Push off with your toe.
- Bring the back leg forward to strike again with the heel.
- Flexible shoes will ensure you are able to roll through the step.
- If your feet are slapping down rather than rolling through, your shoes are likely too stiff.
- At first, your shin muscles (anterior tibialis) may tire and be sore until they are strengthened.
- If you are really striking with the heel, someone watching you from in front will see the sole of your shoe on each step. Think about showing them your sole.
- On your forward foot, let the ankle do the work of flexing your foot, don't lift your foot with your toes.
- A good push off by your toes on your rear leg will add power and speed to your step.
Strike with heel. Back foot rolls through to push off.
Front foot continues to roll through step as back foot comes forward. Front foot strikes with heel and here we go again!
Some people do not step like this, however, they are unique exceptions. The author is firmly of the belief that in fact, imitating some people results in distinctly low levels of coolness, and only the original creator of stepping methods is entitled to carry it out.
Stepping is a very useful activity to get from Point A to Point B. However, some people do not believe that this is in fact possible. However, the author of the article has had enough experience to say that some people do not understand infinite series and are therefore idiots.
Stepping is also useful when performed in tune to music: this is known as dancing and is either viewed as incredibly romantic or incredibly cool, but rarely both at the same time.
- the first part of this article is really good. you should be put back on the site.#
From 22.86 Centimetre Nails
#Redirect [[Nine Inch Nails]]
Added to the Misogyny article:
Misogyny and you
There are many forms of misogyny in the world today, but none will be as special as the one decide you make your own. Be creative. Mr. Joseph Underwood dressed up like a woman and screamed at himself for hours, until he was picked up by local rednecks and forced to have sex with a fire exstinguisher.
The following example works excellently and has not been removed. --Kizor 20:22, 16 Feb 2005 (UTC)
To other people, it may appear that slackers don't do very much actual work, schoolwork, or much of anything. However, individuals considered to be slackers may in fact be very active, though not always in activities that society deems to be most important, (like writing in a wikipedia instead of getting a real job that renders income).
An encyclopedia (alternatively encyclopædia) is something we're trying to run here, and if it wasnt for goddam vandals we just might be able to do that. Dont these people have a life?
The Early Life of Brian Nichols
Brian Nichols was not of African American ancestry, but was recently found to be of penguin ancestry (please don't be surprised! I have more to tell you). In the cold lands of the farway continent Antarctica, a cute little baby penguin was born. He loved to eat stuff that his mother had vomited out and especially loved the fish-flavored parts of it. His mother had named him Brian. However, one day young toddler Brian decided to go out for a swim without his parents' permission. Even though he was immediately and thoroughly chastised for his mischievous actions, Brian would not listen.
He obstinately kept going to the beach and swam and swam happily without his parents being happy. Then, Brians' mother and father decided to hire the well-known British sorceress, J.K. Rowling, to temporarily disable his swimming ability with a spell. However, Mrs. Rowling had not practised her magical trick very well and instead, did another one. His parents watched in extreme fascination and horror as their young son suddenly transformed into the dreadful, polluting, anti-penguin habitat, anti-environmental human!!!!!! Brian's father and mother immediately abandoned him and dumped him into the ghetto sections of Antarctica. When he turned into a teenager, he joined the Bad Penguinz gang (the gang accepted him because he was very bad in behaviour). With the gang of big, bad penguins, he commited penguincide, stole snowmobiles (motor vehicle theft), burglarized the local thatched huts, and sprayed graffiti on the walls (in Antarctica, the penguins marked their property and sprayed graffiti by spraying their droppings, not spray paint). "Delinquent" Brian constantly got into trouble with the Antarctica Police Department and was often jailed in the underground dungeons with the ice worms.
One day, Brian got J.K. Rowling to come back to Antarctica. Mrs. Rowling was assigned the task of bringing a curse upon the Ice Ghetto gangsters, who were the rivals of the Bad Penguinz. Unfortunately, she performed yet another act of monumental error. As the world of ice began to disappear, Brian started to scream. He was not in the 'Tarctica hoods. He was in the United States! But things weren't over yet. He quickly adapted to life there and started commiting the same crimes the Bad Penguinz gang had taught him. The trouble is only beginning to get worse..............
from User talk:Jimbo Wales
- Are you evil?
- Is Wikipedia evil?
- It should go without saying.
- Is Wikimedia Foundation evil?
- Worse than that, actually.
- Are you a Todo?
("pbuh" added by Rickyrab 09:43, 29 Mar 2005 (UTC) ....the rest is original to Jimbo Wales (pbuh))
- Which would you choose, being an administrator at Wikipedia, or being a hobo out on the streets? 220.127.116.11 21:59, 4 Mar 2005 (UTC)
- Gee, I should suppose it is best to be both.--Jimbo Wales 01:46, 12 Mar 2005 (UTC)
- Did you ever meet Satan?
No, but I think we're supposed to be on a panel discussion in Amsterdam in May.
- Are you filthy rich?
More filthy than rich :).
- Would you consider yourself an expert in any field of academics?
- Are you planning to take over the world?
Yes, one click at a time. --Jimbo Wales 02:36, 14 Mar 2005 (UTC)
- Are you a graduate of Smith N. Jones High School?
No, they kicked me out after an unfortunate incident with a stack of Britannica... well, it's a long story. :-) Are you having fun with this? --Jimbo Wales 02:36, 14 Mar 2005 (UTC)
Easter Mass Lates will be cursed template!
- Also on his user page and the sandbox:
- I'm attending Mass now, and I'm using the Internet on a cell phone while others are holding candles and singing. The priest doesn't even see me! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
- Then on his talk page :
- Very funny, but don't add nonsense, even on talk pages, since you may be blocked. Hope you had a great mass, but try to stay off Wikipedia and concentrate on praying during mass from now on. Academic Challenger 05:38, 27 Mar 2005 (UTC)
-- Stevey7788 01:11, 29 Mar 2005 (UTC)
Fink is also a less than common last name which originates in Germany. Many immegrants brought the last name, which translated means "Finch" (as in bird), to America in their travels and now it adorns some of the most powerful leaders of our nation including macrobiologists and editors of litterary magazines.
- "The King is a Fink"(The Wizard of Id) reference
From Abraham Lincoln
- (Actually, this is supposed to be true. There was actually a wide range of coincidences involving the deaths of Lincoln and Kennedy. Quite a few of these can be verified. - Arno)
- (Actually true, Lincoln shot in Ford theatre, Kennedy in a Ford Lincoln. Lincoln's secretary was called Kennedy, Kennedy's - Lincoln. Both wives dreamt assassination in advance.Both succeeded by a Johnson. [JTD]
- (There are a wide range of instances with regards to any two things, most of them are pure luck. With regards to Lincoln/Kennedy, visit Urban Legends: Lincoln/Kennedy for more information.) - TimmyD 06:57 Apr 28, 2003 (UTC)
- Kennedy's secretary was called Lincoln, but while Lincoln's secretary was called John, his last name was Nicolay, not Kennedy. --Marnen Laibow-Koser 17:23, 21 Oct 2004 (UTC)
From the TfD for Template:Stub-sorting-stub ☺
A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition. -LW
From Color blindness
A easy way to test for color blindness is to stick ur finger up ur nose and hold ur leg up while singing the national anthem.
Best results if done naked in public.
The "NEW ROME" is identical to "OLD ROME" except for the areas where it is different. The primary differences lie in the fact that the OLD ROME is much older than the NEW ROME, which is significantly newer. In addition to the newness of the NEW ROME, it is also important to note that NEW ROME when spelled backwards is EMOR WEN; whereas the OLD ROME spelled backwards is EMOR DLO.
Aside from these differences, the two are essentially identical... except for the flapjacks.
RoboCop is programmed to follow four prime directives:
- Serve the public trust
- Protect the innocent
- Uphold the law
- Get his freak on
It's true! I saw him on the Citroen adverts!
From Talk:Adolf Hitler
I've heard allegations that he was anti-semitic, is this true?
From W00t paradox
W00t paradox is an interesting phenomena in usage of the word w00t, to be more precise, usage of various number of 0's in middle of the word. These figuers were found using google:
word, number of pages found
- w0t - 16700
- w00t - 1070000
- w000t - 10100
- w0000t - 3880
- w00000t - 706
- w000000t - 507
- w0000000t - 3900
- w00000000t - 3750
- w000000000t - 2070
- w0000000000t - 1560
- w00000000000t - 3090
- w000000000000t - 1190
- w0000000000000t - 970
- w00000000000000t - 777
- w000000000000000t - 2220
- w0000000000000000t - 709
- w00000000000000000t - 376
- w000000000000000000t - 798
- w0000000000000000000t - 342
- w00000000000000000000t - 325
- w000000000000000000000t - 267
- w0000000000000000000000t - 240
- w00000000000000000000000t - 208
- w000000000000000000000000t - 332
- w0000000000000000000000000t - 118
- w00000000000000000000000000t - 133
- w000000000000000000000000000t - 1337
This very interesting row of numbers can be descibed as the "w00t function". The paradox is in growing number of sites found when using the word w00t with certain number of zeros.
- I've found 5140 hits with w000000000000000000000000000t (27 zeroes). WHY???--Army1987 15:38, 5 October 2005 (UTC)
- Probably because someone wanted to blow that statistic out of the water
- Heh. That last value listed is quite amusing.
- Probably because someone wanted to blow that statistic out of the water
The game can be started by any one of the players speaking the phrase, "The game of nop has started". At the instant the speaker completes the sentence, the game has begun, and any player that does anything is immediately eliminated. The last player remaining in the game is the winner.
Determination of the Winner
As the above definition of does anything can include actions such as breathing, thinking, or even existing, a typical game of nop tends to last an extremely short amount of time. This can make it difficult, maybe even impossible, to determine the winner. However, probabilistic techniques of determining the most likely winner exist.
The most important scientific discovery in the science of nop is the special theory of relativity. Given that any time a person "does something", it must have happened at a discrete moment in time, as well as the fact that an intertial observer will view events happening in a moving frame later than if the event occurred in his own frame of reference, it can be concluded that moving quickly will make any actions performed appear later in another player's frame of reference.
Given the assumption that the game takes place in the frame of reference of the player who spoke the phrase to begin the game, a basic set of strategies can be inferred:
- Having a high velocity with respect to the player that started the game will increase one's chances of winning. Close to the speed of light is desirable if possible.
- Starting the game is generally a bad idea, as your velocity with respect to the game will be zero, thus assuring oneself an instant loss.
As starting the game is disadvantegous to the player, finding a league or tournament can be difficult. By far the largest international organization is the International nop League (Inop). Currently the world's top rated player is Buzz Aldrin, with an ELO rating of 2954. There is speculation that the game will be included in the Olympic Games in 2040 as a demonstration sport.
The basic mechanism of walking is quite simple, and involves only a couple of steps (pun intended)
1. From standing position, lift either the left or right leg upwards and forwards.
2. Once the leg is a good distance in front of you, place it on the floor.
3. Lift the other leg off the ground, pull it forwards and past the now stationary leg and plant it firmly on the floor a small distance in front of the stationary foot.
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until you reach your desired destination
For more complex moves such as turning, see walking manouvers
There are a number of mistakes that are common amongst newcomers to walking. These include:
1. Lifting both legs off of the ground at any one point during the basic walking mechanism. Whilst this does induce motion, the motion producing is unfavourable vertical motion due to gravity rather than the horizontal motion normally associated with walking.
2. Forgetting to alternate legs. Although this is not strictly incorrect, it is often frowned upon by society, and can result in embarrasing social situations for the user.
3. Attempting the above steps lying down. Although this may seem a good idea at the time, especially for more relaxed people, it rarely breeds successful results.
A guide for the NYPD of who you should search the bag of
Search people who look like:
- Ahmed al-Ghamdi.jpg
- Saddam Hussein (107).jpg
Do not search people who look like:
- S6 002.jpg
You may want to search these people to see if they have any sense:
- Raymond W Kelly.jpg
From Band manager
A band manager is a largely useless person who either steals money from the artist who he claims to represent or supplies drugs to the artist he claims to represent in order that he may steal money from the artist. Quite often the manager also "manages" to take the rights of the artist's songs from them, thus ensuring that he will make money off the artist for the foreseeable future while the artist starves.
Famous managers include the disgusting, fat, cigar-chomping "Colonel" Tom Parker, who made a fortune off Elvis Presley both before and after his death; Peter Grant, the bloated brute who allegedly represented Led Zeppelin but in reality existed primarily to beat people up; the infamous E.G. Records management, who Robert Fripp fought for years to get ownership of his own music away from; and Kenny Laguna, longtime manager for Joan Jett, who is just a generally nasty, snide human being.
Most managers have little to no training in anything relating to any sort of business, and many of them have criminal records. Their primary purpose is to sponge off an artist as much as possible. In essence, "band manager" is often just a euphemism for con man. It is a generally accepted truism in the music business that if someone offers to be your manager and claims to have "connections in the music business," you should run, quickly, in the other direction.
It is also a truism in the music business that you should never, ever, let your wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend be your manager. The sole exception to this may be Sharon Osbourne, manager for Ozzy Osbourne, but then look how that turned out. At least he's still working, unlike most bands who have managers.
In short, being "managed" is something very like Lyme disease; it is transmitted by parasites and can be avoided by staying away from places where things can attach themselves to you and suck your blood.
Your best band manager is you. Don't trust anyone else to do it.
Bullfighting or tauromachy (Spanish toreo, corrida de toros or tauromaquia; Portuguese tourada, corrida de touros or tauromaquia) is a blood sport that involves, most of the time, the bull which execute various formal moves with the goal of appearing graceful and confident, while masterful over the professional dodger (matador) himself; these maneuvers are performed at close range, concluding (in Spanish-style bullfighting) with the rectal prolapse of the dodger by a well-aimed horn thrust into his anus as the finale.
It is a ritual spectacle that is usually designated a sport, although there is no scoring or competition between bull participants. Although there is a significant degree of skill and danger involved, the dodgers are often physically compromised before or during the match.
- I can't believe it's not a hyperlink.
From George W. Bush
(in the biography section) ... For a short time, he was also the frontman of 80s metal band Poison.
From War of 1812
The War of 1812 was fought by drunken sailors for no good reason. The Untied States, still in its adolescence as a nation, felt that it wasn’t being taken seriously by other nations. Forced to be home by 10:00 p.m., never allowed to watch R-rated movies, and subject to French and British shipping embargoes, America decided that the only way to preserve national honor was to start and win a war.
Lacking a large standing army and short on revenue, they picked an opportune moment and an easy target. With the British distracted by a real war against Napoleon (short-dudes like big hats), America decided to take over Canada. Obviously, they did this without thinking about what they would do with Canada once they took it over.
War began on June 18, 1812 following the House and Senate passing legislation to declare war, President James Madison signing the legislation and President Madison’s mom telling the nation that it was okay as long as they took their little brothers along, too. Britain was slightly inconvenienced. Demonstrating the full measure of their panic, the British decided to let the Canadians fight the land portion of the battle themselves. However, the Crown did dispatch over 10,000 porcelain mugs in support of the afternoon tea effort.
Fortified with good tea, the Canadians fiercely defended the frozen tundra they call home. The American troops were ill prepared for resistance, assuming that their neighbors to the north would choose liberty over subjugation, democracy over monarchy, and baseball over hockey. Faced with opposition, the state militias stayed home entirely, leaving the federal army regulars to shoot a few rounds for good measured before deciding that Canada really wasn’t worth fighting over.
There were also many major sea battles, in which the American forces fared much better. The British navy was larger and more accomplished, but suffered from poor morale and, when the limes ran out, scurvy. The poor morale was mostly due to another factor in the start of the war: the British practice of randomly forcing people to join the Royal Navy. Americans particularly objected to the nasty habit of British war ships detaining American commercial boats and impressing British-born American crew into the navy. Impressment was a means of combating desertion, the theory being that the best way to stem the tide of AWOL sailors would be to kidnap unwilling foreign nationals and make them join. Brilliant.
Over the course of a few years, large amounts of alcohol were consumed, some battles took place and at least a few people went swimming. By 1814, the British had decided that the whole thing was getting silly. To speed a resolution, they invaded Washington, D.C. and burned the White House to the ground. A peace treaty was signed in Ghent, Belgium in December of 1914, but the delegates were still gorging themselves on chocolates and carousing with local women when the war’s largest battle was fought, completely unnecessarily, in New Orleans in January of 1915.
The futile battle of New Orleans served as a fitting end to a useless war. The Treaty of Ghent specified that borders would be re-established exactly as they had been before the war, and the only real accomplishment, the end of British impressments, was achieved not because of the War of 1812, but because the Napoleonic Wars had ended and the British no longer needed the extra sailors.
In America, the War of 1812 is celebrated for propelling the young nation into the international arena. In Britain, no one remembers it happened. It is probably important to Canadians, but, as far as anyone is aware, they have never been asked to share their feelings.
And now the "official" history, brought to you by the International Association of Tenured Professors and Nitpicking Amateur Historians (IATPNAH).
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From Kylie Minogue
From an old revision of Kylie Minogue:
+ She is the more beautiful and more talented older sister of Dannii Minogue.
An anonymous user was inspired to append to this entry: She can't sing. She can't dance. She should go far. The moon would do.