Wikipedia:Peer review/Boys in Red accident/archive1

Boys in Red accident[edit]

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for November 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it has recently passed a GA nomination and I feel that this article has the potential for a FA though it needs some further work. This is my first article I've really worked on so I think some feedback from some more veteran editors could help me develop this article further and maybe get it ready for a FAC. Thanks, Kuzwa (talk) 01:02, 27 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is a generally clear account of a terrible local accident and its aftermath. It began as a news story, and it might be tough though not impossible to turn into an excellent encyclopedia article. Here are a few suggestions for improvement.

I looked at the list of featured articles at WP:FA in hopes of finding a model for a local disaster or accident article. Aggie Bonfire comes close, and you might look at it to see how other editors handled a local disaster.

The numbered list in your "Recommendations" section is too long and echoes too much of the language of bureaucracy. I'd recommend translating it into straight prose and compressing the list into a single prose paragraph. For example, "Current guidelines 512-Student Activity Vehicles and 513-Transportation to and from Off-site School Related Activities, which contain suggested best practices for transporting students to a school-related extracurricular activity, should be strengthened through revisions and by making compliance mandatory through regulatory amendment" could be shortened to "Guidelines for transporting students to school-related extracurricular activities should be strengthened."

The article is short on images, and the images are relatively weak. Perhaps it would be possible to include an image of the kind of van that was involved in the accident. A photo of Highway 8 during bad weather and poor road conditions is another possibility. A photo of Bathurst High School might work. Of the three images that you've used, the cross and the flowers work as symbols of grief, but they don't convey much information. It might be more effective to include a photo of the basketball court where these kids played. A photograph of a multi-functional activity bus is another possibility.

More information about similar roll-overs anywhere in the world might be interesting. The accident itself has little or no history, but van roll-overs have a history. Some official statistics about roll-overs ought to be available from transportation departments or other government sources.

The negative effects of the rule changes get mentioned in the "Recommendations" section, but no positive effects are mentioned. Does anyone like the new rules? Has anyone reliable talked about them in terms of lives saved or injuries prevented, for example? If so, that information should be included.

Did Ford or anyone defend the vans or deny that 15-passenger vans were unsafe? Have the van manufacturers taken steps to make them safer or to remove them from the roads? Do they still make these vans and sell them? Did they ever advertise them as good transportation for teams?

When you quote someone directly as in "new restrictions on when kids can play, imposed on high school athletics by school districts across the province, have made it impossible for (our school) to host the event this year", you need to add a reference immediately after the quotation. It would be good to attribute this quote to a person or, if it was an anonymous official statement, to attribute it to the school publication in which it appeared.

I'd recommend deleting the opening paragraph of "Reaction" on grounds that the details such as the name of the restaurant and the details of the phone call seem out of place in an encyclopedia article.

I hope these brief suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 06:16, 9 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Alright thanks. When I get a bit more time I'll try peer reviewing another article. Also if you don't mind Im going to strike through your recommendations as I deal with them. :) --Kuzwa (talk) 21:48, 9 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

"The negative effects of the rule changes get mentioned in the "Recommendations" section, but no positive effects are mentioned. Does anyone like the new rules? Has anyone reliable talked about them in terms of lives saved or injuries prevented, for example? If so, that information should be included."

I have done a fair amount of researching trying to make this article as neutral as possible. However all articles I can find involve schools and sports groups being critical of the new rules. Only the Department of Education and the NBIAA have stated that the new rules are entirely appropriate. I'll see If I can add a quote from the Education Minister. --Kuzwa (talk) 23:49, 9 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]