Wikipedia:Peer review/Disney's Polynesian Resort/archive1
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2008.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've completed a major overhaul on this article, and am trying to figure out how else I could improve it. I am working on developing a potential historical section (prose, not list), but that aside, what else can be done?
Comments My primary observation is that the article is written mainly in passive voice, rather than active voice. You can resolve this in part by putting the "action" words at the beginning of sentences. Some examples are noted below, along with some suggestions for tightening the prose:
- "...and originally opened with 492 rooms"
- Did it close during the renovations, or did it stay open? If it stayed open, then "originally" is not needed.
- "...has seen two major expansions; the first in 1978..."
- Start a new sentence here, because the second expansion is dealt with in its own sentence.
- "...has a collective 847 rooms and suites..."
- Simplify to "has 847 rooms and suites..." You might want to add the number of buildings in the complex to the end of that statement (as in, "...847[guest] rooms and suites within XX lodges...").
- Spellcheck note:
- busses - sloppy kisses on the cheek from boisterous great-aunts who know Jim Beam personally
- buses - mass transit vehicles whose wheels go round and round
- "The resort is on the Magic Kingdom monorail loop, providing transportation..."
- Try "The Magic Kingdom monorail loop stops at the resort and provides transportation...." (passive to active voice)
- "No rooms are contained in this building, instead several lodges, longhouses, house all guest rooms..."
- try "This building contains no guest rooms; instead, guests stay in several lodges called longhouses..."
- "As of 2008, Disney's Polynesian Resort is certified green lodging property with the state of Florida."
- "The State of Florida has certified...."
- I don't think that "irremovable" is a word. Simply say the modular rooms could not be moved once the building settled.
- The first sentence of the "Longhouses" section reads awkwardly.
- "10 of the 11 longhouses..."
- If the sentence starts with a number, spell it out, per WP:MOSNUM
- Include metric conversions for the size of the rooms. Since the building is in the United States, the square footage comes first, with meters squared afterward in brackets.
- I'm not quite sure if there may be a copyright issue with the photo that includes the bedspreads; they are specially designed for Disney, according to the reference sources. Perhaps speak with someone who has extensive copyright experience, for example someone who is an admin or bureaucrat at Commons. Users Lar, Giggy and Durova all have expertise in image copyright, and there are several others here as well.
- If you are planning to move this article to FAC, you will have to rewrite the sections on dining, shopping, and recreation into straight prose; bulleted lists are not generally acceptable.
- "...varieties of grilled skewered meats cooked on an oak-burning fire pit along with family-friendly live entertainment."
- Please tell me they are not cooking the entertainment in the pit too ;-) Try something to the effect of "Family-friendly entertainers perform while..."
- Spelling note II:
- à la carte (three words) not ala carte. It's quite possible it was misspelled in your reference source as well.
I think the article is very comprehensive, and that the area with greatest opportunity for improvement is the use of the active voice. I often recommend Tony1's guide to writing brilliant prose, as I've found it very helpful to me in improving my writing style; it even includes some practice exercises. I'd also suggest you try to pair up with someone else who has an article here on peer review, or who has written an article you really like, and offer to swap and provide each other with feedback. After a certain point, all of us lose the ability to "see" where an article can be improved. Your work is definitely heading in the right direction. Risker (talk) 21:34, 9 June 2008 (UTC)