Wikipedia:Peer review/History of Scotiabank Caribbean Carnival Toronto (1967–1971)/archive1

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History of Scotiabank Caribbean Carnival Toronto (1967–1971)[edit]

(more info)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article failed a GA review, I've made revisions since the GAN, so I want further review. Please also comment whether you agree the 1971 end is too arbitrary. -- Zanimum (talk) 15:35, 25 November 2011 (UTC)

  • I find the opening sentence quite awkward, just to try to get the opening phrases bold linked. I wouldn't bother even trying to do that. Besides, we try to avoid bold links, so linking the bold "Scotiabank Caribbean Carnival Toronto" should be discouraged in any case.
Complete overhaul of the first paragraph in the lead.
  • "creation of a a permanent" one to many a's.
Fixed by the rewrite.
  • "the festival began to take shape and grow" what does this really mean? And did it only "begin to" do that during the era or did it "actually" do it during the era?
Rewrote. Part of the awkwardness of that phrase lies with the fact it bloomed, but into a partially different event than modern party-goers would recognize.
  • "Caribana resists their" resisted.
  • "by a deaths by a car accident" grammar fail.
  • "transit fights" what's a transit fight?
  • "plans to blow the Centennial works in a whing-ding, one-week celebration designed to pale the '67 efforts of any other Metro "ethnic" community -> missing a closing quote mark.
Good catch.
  • "over 9 months" -> nine
  • "ex-pats" a little colloquial for an encyclopedia.
I’ve changed to “Caribbean emigrants”, instead.
  • "Downtown Toronto firehall" is Downtown really capitalised? And what's a "firehall"?
I guess that’s a little too influenced by modern branding of the neighbourhood.
As per firehalls, I poked into my dictionary, and I’m quite surprised to see the term is a Canadianism. That’s what we call a fire station, just as American say “fire house”. That said, comparing “firehall” and “fire station”, the earlier is most natural language for Canadian readers, so I‘ll leave that as is.
  • "On February 21, " which year?
  • "Map of the Toronto Islands." doesn't need the full stop.
Deleted the period.
  • "on Wednesday, July 12" do we really need to know what day of the week July 12 was?
I suppose not.
  • William Dennison is a dab link.
  • "Liverpool explained... Liverpool explained" repetitive.
  • "single photo and" photograph.
  • "West Indian time is different than North American time." direct quotes usually need direct citation.
  • "the Journard Trinidad Players[11] performed at their top level, " odd ref placement, and "performed at their top level" is opinion unless directly referenced.
  • "GG" is there really a need to abbreviate this (it isn't explained, incidentally, or used subsequently).
Expanded. I was assuming that the full length mention earlier in the sentence would suffice, but I suppose that it is an unfamiliar abbreviation outside of the Commonwealth nations.
  • "contributed $1000 in advance" -> $1,000 (for consistency).
  • "tallies didn't result" avoid contractions.
  • Queen's Park is a dab link.
  • Royal York Hotel is one too.
Someone changed that in the mean time, but they put Fairmount Royal York, the modern name. I've fixed to hide the new name behind the old.
  • "5000 " ->5,000 for consistency.
  • "1968 ad." poor caption. Perhaps "A 1968 advertisement for the Caribana festival" or something more useful.
Fair thought. Changed.
  • "A letter soon after complained of the lack of queuing" complained at the lack of queuing? I'm confused.
How so? Are queues another Canadianism?
The island, to this day, has no sort of stancheons for those waiting for the ferry to form a line in; this would be "queuing" for the boat. Everyone crowds into one big area, waiting for the ferry to arrive, and then the ferry comes, and those getting off the ferry have to force their way through everyone waiting to get on. It's dreadful. Does that explain?
I've reworded the sentence surrounding the problem fragment.
  • "ended up killing " just "killed" is fine.
  • What's TTC?
I now mentioned the Toronto Transit Commission earlier in the paragraph. Is it clear enough from its name that this is the municipal transit system.
  • "couldn't bring the" avoid contractions.
  • "the event hadn't developed" ditto.
Changed two sentences into one, to avoid the contracted words entirely.
  • Page ranges in the references should use en-dashes not hyphens.
  • Single page references shouldn't be "pp.", they should just be "p."

The Rambling Man (talk) 09:09, 14 December 2011 (UTC)