Wikipedia:Peer review/Paul Henderson/archive1
This peer review discussion has been closed.
A Canadian hero who scored one of the most important goals in ice hockey history. I'd like to take it to FAC at some point soon, but suspect it needs a good once over for prose quality beforehand. Thanks, Resolute 01:26, 3 August 2013 (UTC) I'm going to give a few comments, may come back and add more in the next few days if I have time:
- WP:NUMERAL - five not 5
- "Played at the height of the Cold War, the series was viewed as a battle for both hockey supremacy and way of life." -- I know this might be expanded upon within the article, but I'm not sure about this statement.
- "He scored the game-winning goals in the sixth, seventh and eighth games, the last of which has become legendary in Canada and made him a national hero." goals or goal?
- "They married in 1962, and though Henderson had the opportunity to play professional hockey by that time, he considered giving up the game to become a history and physical education teacher." - I think this needs to be reworded, doesn't read particularly well.
- I think you should be a little weary of jargon, even with wiki-linking, it may be good to try and either reword it, or explain it (on occasion, not all the time). For example the statement " In his second, he took a slashing penalty on his lone shift." is really full of jargon. Taking a penalty? I know you linked slashing penalty, and earlier linked shift, but even so, this may be over-doing it for some readers who have only passing familiarity with ice-hockey.
- "Henderson estimated that he took nine penalties in minutes in less than 20 seconds of total ice time over the two games." -- this is another example, it's probably worthy of expansion (unless his estimate is way-off) anyway.
- "Failing to make" -> "After failing to make" ?
- Link the first use of "tie" - just to be sure, most people probably know what it means, but much of the world would use "draw" in this situation. On second thoughts it's probably unnecessary, but maybe worth considering.
- "Playing healthy in 1970–71, he scored 30 goals and 60 points was the most of his NHL career" - prose
I'm going to leave it for now. Pretty happy with what I've read so far. Pretty interesting and can't see any glaring problems! I'm not an expert and prose, but this seems pretty good. I notice that you cite Henderson's book a lot. I haven't done any spot-checks on refs yet, but you may want to avoid citing anything controversial, or other than clearly his opinions. It may be nothing, but then it may be something. Anyway - enjoyed the read. - Shudde talk 11:55, 12 August 2013 (UTC)
- Thank you for the review and the positive feedback! I will look to address the points you raise soon, though I think some of the issues with jargon are unavoidable given the nature of the topic. Cheers! Resolute 13:34, 12 August 2013 (UTC)
- "Canada had long been held at a disadvantage in international tournaments as its best players were professionals in the NHL and therefore ineligible to play at the World Championship and Olympic Games while European teams masked the status of their best players." -- This statement could probably be refined, probably no need for "in the NHL", and I'm not sure "masked" is the best term. I'm guessing you are referring to boot-money (a footballing term) or something. Maybe a note at the end of the sentence to clarify what you mean by masked. May also be better to find a more recent reference, especially if discussing amateur/professionalism at the time.
- "causing Hockey Canada to withdraw the nation from all international competition in 1970." -> maybe "causing Canada to withdraw all international competition in 1970." -- not really sure mentioning Hockey Canada is important
- "At the same time" was this Summit a result of them withdrawing from international competition, or would it have been arranged regardless?
- "between the world's two greatest hockey nations" -- may want to be careful here. Can this be quantified? Even including a quote from the reference, or a note or something to placate any readers whose ears may prick up at a statement like this.
- "Canada lost the fourth game, 5–3, and were jeered by the fans in Vancouver as Team Canada headed to Moscow for the final four games with a 1–2–1 series deficit." -- close repetition of Canada; maybe try rewording
- "In the first game at Moscow" in Moscow?
- "two-handed slash" -- I'm guessing this is like the slashing penalty that is linked earlier in the article. Maybe this can be reworded to be more descriptive/explicit?
- " It was also viewed as a battle between contrasting ways of life; of western freedom vs. Soviet communism." -- I think this should be worded more carefully. The article you cite does a good job (), there was an ideological element to the series, on top of the usual jingoism that would accompany an event such as this. I think it's worthy of expansion. For example who viewed it this way? Was it promoted in this way by the media, politicians, players?
- "but the Soviets led after two, 5–3, and made it known that if the game ended in a tie, they were going to claim victory in the series as a result of scoring more goals." -- I think you're missing a "goals" in there. Also how did they make it known they'd claim a victory if the series was tied since the game had already started?
- All up, despite my comments above, I think the Summit Series section is done very well!
- "Henderson signed the contract, though he later regretted doing so before completing his term with his NHL club." -- this doesn't read quite right, but I can't put my finger on why
- " An angered Ballard never forgave Henderson, and never spoke to him again" -- I think you're going to have to find an additional source other than just Henderson himself for this statement.
- "Following a 24-goal campaign to end his tenure with the Maple Leafs" -- this isn't quite clear. Do you mean a season where Henderson scored 24 goals?
- "He signed a two-year contract with the Flames on the promise that he would stay in Birmingham unless the team needed his services as a result of injury to other players" -- does this mean that he would not travel with the team, but only play when they had matches in Birmingham?
- " a role player" -- what is this?
- " the team ceased operations during the season" -- it's the "during the season" I don't understand. Do you mean mid-season?
- "It was the most famous goal in Canadian hockey history" -- was or is ?
- see WP:CURRENCY – you have a few currency figures throughout the article, and it's not always clear if they're in US or Canadian dollars
- "He became health-conscious, an attitude which saved his life in 2004 when a blockage in his own heart was discovered." -- his attitude save his life? Is this meant to imply that had he not been as careful with his health he would have died due to heart disease?
- He was diagnosed with cancer in 2009, what is the status of the disease now?
I haven't checked the references. Was an interesting read, especially the second half of the article. The Summit Series section was well done, and the Legacy and Personal life sections were also well done. Hope my comments have been helpful. Good luck improving the article; it's already in very good shape! – Shudde talk 04:55, 17 August 2013 (UTC)
- Your comments are most helpful, thank you! Resolute 14:34, 17 August 2013 (UTC)