Wikipedia:Peer review/Shimon Peres/archive1

Shimon Peres

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it has stalled in its progression and I want to find out how to develop it towards GA and FA status.

Thanks, Flymeoutofhere (talk) 14:05, 14 February 2008 (UTC)

Review by Brianboulton

I'll suggest a couple of areas to work on, to get started.

• Rewrite the lead. It's a muddle of offices and dates and uninspiring to read. It's also pretty confusing - how can he have "served three times as the eighth Prime Minister of Israel"?And aren't you stretching it to say that his political career has lasted over 65 years? That's before 1943 - yet you also have him "moving into politics" in 1952 (3rd para). You open the article with his birth details, then repeat these at the start of your third paragraph. Also, do you "join" the Knesset, or are you elected to it? You need to sort these things out, but also to generalise a bit more about his career rather than listing every office he held, and every party he supported. The lead should summarise the article, so use it to say interesting things about the man - his principles, his stances (e.g. dove or hawk), his apparent indestructibility, or even his capacity for losing elections - and then make sure these are followed up in the article, which will be more interesting if it isn't simply a record of his achievements in the various offices he held.

• Sort out the infobox. It is completely confusing as it stands - perhaps you're trying to give too much information. Suggestion: Delete the reference to Olmert in the first box, delete the various presidents from the second box. Or find some other way of showing clearly who is preceding or succeeding whom.

I hope this helps Brianboulton (talk) 22:00, 14 February 2008 (UTC)

Review by Jayron32

• The lead could use some work. I agree with Brianboulton about that. The infobox I am not so worried about. I think it makes sense to me; unless it was changed since he commented, but as it stands now I think it reads fine. Given the split-executive nature of the Isreali government (with both a president and a prime-minister), I don't see how it could be presented better.
• Take care on the referencing. Both GA and FA are fairly strict about referencing (FA more so than GA). Some things that will DEFINATELY need to be fixed before making either commendation:
  • The quote in Personal life: Poland will need a citation. ALL direct quotes must be cited directly in the text.
  • Information about Kibbutz Alumot and and the Zionist Labor movement appear unreferenced.
  • The entire Military and Defense section needs reworking. Besides being unreferenced, its quite vague and it jumps a lot. Is there no more information we can put in here? I mean, first of all, "were of great importance" is so vague, we don't know WHAT deals he was involved in and WHY they were important. Also, it jumps a LOT. We go from joining Haganah in 1947 to becoming Deputy Director General in 1953 with no transition. The whole section could use both expansion and reworking, along with some references, which it entirely lacks.
  • The ENTIRE Political career section contains no inline cites. A good rule of thumb is that at MINIMUM each paragraph should be cited to the work and page it was taken from, and certain phrases in here, such as "as was expected," (expected by WHOM?) needs specific attribution, since they make claims which are likely to be challeneged. Also, statements like "As party leader, Peres favored pushing off the elections for as long as possible. He claimed that an early election would jeopardize both the September 2005 Gaza withdrawal plan and the standing of the party in a national unity government with Sharon. " need specific cite, as they contain interpretations of motives. Without inline cites, it is impossible to verify if such potentially contentious statements are true.
  • Likewise the Political views needs specific cites. How do we KNOW these are his views? Where else is it written as such?
  • The last three references (19, 20, 21) are improperly formatted. ALL references should have full bibliographic information, such as author (if availible), publisher, work it was published in, publication date, and access date.
• The section on "President of Israel", while referenced well in the state it is in, is far too short. I mean, he's been president for 7 months. Has the ONLY things of note he's done is speak in Turkey and negotiate with Japan? He's his nation's official Head of State, and this is ALL that can be said about that role? Plus, I don't see why this is a separate == header; wouldn't this be better organized as a === header section under Political Career?

That should give you enough to work on. Its a decent article, but needs some real work before being Good Article Standard or Featured Article Standard. Good luck, and if you need any further help, just comment here (I have watchlisted this PR) or on my talk page. Later. --Jayron32.talk.contribs 17:58, 15 February 2008 (UTC)

Re my comments on the infobox, I'm not sure about the "split-executive" nature of the Israeli govt - surely the Prime Minister is the executive and the President largely ceremonial? Anyway, my objection is simply that, as it stands, it looks as though PM Olmert was preceded by Dalia Itzik, likewise that President Ezer Weizman was preceded by Yitzhak Rabin, and so on. It's a question of ordering the information - it's got to be clear to everyone, not only those with a knowledge of Israeli politics. I'd ask a few people what they think before deciding to leave it as it is. Brianboulton (talk) 16:41, 16 February 2008 (UTC)

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR _t 03:06, 18 February 2008 (UTC)