Wikipedia:Peer review/International Academy of Business/archive1

International Academy of Business

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want it to be a good or featured article but I need a thorough copy-edit by someone with a better grasp of English.

Thanks, Mheidegger (talk) 10:25, 10 November 2011 (UTC)

{{doing}} Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 03:52, 25 November 2011 (UTC)

Thanks. --Mheidegger (talk) 21:51, 28 November 2011 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Thanks for your work on this - always good to see articles on Kazakhstan here. I agree this needs a copyedit, but it has other issues which would be a problem at FAC or GAN; here are some suggestions for improvement.

• A model article is useful for ideas and examples to follow. There are several FAs on colleges and universities at Wikipedia:Featured_articles#Education which may be good models. Tuck School of Business is a FA and seems as if it would be a good model for this article.
• pne dab link that needs to be fixed
• one dead link that needs to be fixed
• In general make sure the article provides context to the reader - see WP:PCR. Two examples of this:
  • the first sentence should mention that this is in Kazakhstan, as many readers will not know just from seeing Almaty.
  • The history starts with 1988, but does not provide any background as to why a new school was perhaps suddenly possible - I would give a few sentences on the breakup of the Sviet Union and new independence of Kazakhstan and how they led to the founding of the IAB. Also what exactly was "Union" Republican Cooperative Association??
• The current lead does not follow WP:LEAD and needs to be expanded. The lead should be an accessible and inviting overview of the whole article. As such, nothing important should be in the lead only - since it is a summary, it should all be repeated in the body of the article itself
• My rule of thumb is to include every header in the lead in some way but student life, awards, management and other sections do not seem to be in the current lead.
• The article needs to be consistent on all the details - the lead says the former name was Alma-Ata School of Managers, the section header is Alma-Ata School of Management - which is it?
• Watch WP:OVERLINKing - also years and months are not generally linked
• I agree that this needs a copyedit, but PR is not the place to fine copyeditors in general. Try WP:GOCE instead.
• Prose is really choppy - lots of short (one or two sentence) paragraphs which break up the narrative flow - try combining these short paragraphs wherever possible, or perhaps expanding them
• I would also avoid bullet point lists where possible (conver to prose)
• References need to be consistent - give language if the source is not in English. WOuld it be possible to translate the article / book titles into English too? (still give the original, but translating the title would allow non-Russian or Kazakh speakers some understanding of waht the source is)
• Image galleries are frowned on at FAC.
• Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia:Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 16:40, 29 November 2011 (UTC)