Relationship-contingent self-esteem

Relationship-contingent self-esteem (RCSE) is a type of self-esteem that derives from the outcomes, process, and nature of one’s romantic relationship. Like other types of contingent self-esteem, it is generally linked with lower levels of self-esteem and well-being. It is thought to be an unhealthy for the relationship because it paves the way for excessive bias for negative interpretations of relationship events. Past research has shown that relationship-contingent self-esteem is independent to feelings of commitment to one’s relationship, closeness to one’s partner, and satisfaction in the relationship. Also, this research showed that it was linked to “obsessive immersion or preoccupation” with the romantic relationship.

Unhealthy aspects of relationship contingent self-esteem

Rejection sensitivity

Those who are high in RCSE are often high in rejection sensitivity. High rejection sensitivity is the tendency to anxiously expect rejection from one’s significant other. This is unhealthy for relationships because one’s thoughts and expectations for the relationship can affect one’s behavior towards one’s partner because of excessively negative interpretations of behavior. For example, Downey and colleagues found that women high in rejection sensitivity acted much more negatively in a discussion about relationship conflict with their significant others than did women low in rejection sensitivity. In turn, that caused the high sensitive women’s partners to feel angrier after a discussion about conflict than did partners of women low in rejection sensitivity. A daily diary study of members of committed romantic couple’s thoughts and moods revealed that partners of highly rejection sensitive women showed notable upsurges in relationship dissatisfaction and thoughts of ending their relationships. In addition, being a person who is high in rejection sensitivity in a relationship predicted breakup within a year.

Approval sex motives in women

One example of the unhealthy nature of relationship-contingent self-esteem is the link between RCSE and greater approval sex motives. Sexual motivation may involve intimacy motives (i.e. the drive to create further intimacy or closeness) or approval sex motives (i.e. the drive to avoid disapproval from one’s partner about frequency or quality of sex). Since theories about relationship contingent self-esteem posit that individuals who derive their self-esteem based on relationship outcomes may be more motivated to than others to avoid negative outcomes and increase positive outcomes, it follows that this may leak into the sexual motivation arena. A study by Sanchez and colleagues investigated the relationship between relationship contingent self-worth, approval sex motives, intimacy motives, sexual autonomy, and sexual satisfaction among women in committed relationships. Results indicated that those high in RCSE were more likely to have higher approval sex motives, which in turn lowered their sexual autonomy and satisfaction. This study also revealed that the pattern of results remains consistent in both same-sex and heterosexual couples. The consequence of having lower sexual autonomy and satisfaction has implications not just for the individual suffering from it directly but probably also for his or her partner, who is likely to sense his or her partner’s levels of sexual autonomy and satisfaction.

Healthy alternative

The healthy alternative to RCSE is to develop non-contingent self-esteem. This approach would require those in relationships to abandon external outcomes as a source for their own self-worth. By doing so, it would free up their energies to relate on a mindful level to their relationship partner. By shifting one’s source of self-worth from approval from others to compassion towards others, for instance, minor setbacks in a relationship will not be so alarming because it will not threaten the sense of self.