Neil Harris (footballer, born 1977)

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Harris was famously satirised on the internet, especially on the website YTMND

Neil Harris, born December 25th 1987 in Welsh Village, is a man of many complexes. He is most famously known, however, for being the victim of a savage crisp-throwing courtesy of David Kdrmn of The Kdrmns. Other things Harris has found acclaim for include headlining Glastonbury and sexually molesting Kayleigh Kdrmn of The Kdrmns

History

Harris was born to unknown parents in 1987 in the Welsh village of Welsh Village. He was later adopted by himself, as his future self had travelled back in time to destroy Welsh Village with an Atomic Bomb to end his life by altering history. Unfortuantely for him, however, his plight ended in disaster when he realised he was still alive after nuking the village. He adopted himself as a child and started a campaign to re-build the village, earning himself several awards and medals, becoming somewhat of a local celebrity.

This process of Harris travelling back in time repeated an unknown number of times until he had finally built up an army of millions. The army of Neil's then stood outside the dark and mysterious KEDERMAN TIME TRAVEL INC. HQ, where they would chant for change. This happened until the great scientest Professor K. Kederman of The Kdrmns vaccumed them all into her new invention, Time Portal, and banished the army back to the dawn of time. Scientists now widely believe that this is how the human race was created.

Molestation Controversy

Harris was reported in the tabloid press of the United Kingdom that he sexually molested Kayleigh Kdrmn of The Kdrmns unwillingly as she slept in a bed in the next room. He apparently sneaked in during the night, removed his pants, began to hyperventilate and sat on her face. The touch of her nose sexually aroused him, as he suffers from a rare disease known as Blank Pelvis, in where a person has no genitals whatsoever and gets sexually stimulated by objects rubbing against their pelvis. He was recorded by a secret tape machine, saying such things as "Rubbb.. meh pelvis" in a distorted accent, different to his usual.

Bald

Harris suffered from Male pattern baldness from an early age. Many scientists believe this to be the exposure to radiation at such a young age, from when himself of 19 years in the future nuked Welsh Village. There are many skeptics of this belief however, who believe that Harris infact suffers from baldness due to ripping his hair out in chunks. This minority of believers suggest that Harris likes to brush the locks of hair against his Blank Pelvis in order to gain sexual stimulation.

Fans queued up during the day awaiting the much anticipated performance

Glastonbury Performance

The bald superstar famously headlined the Glastonbury Festival in 2005 after Kylie Minogue pulled out at the last minute. According to rumours, it took Michael Eavis a sum of £64 000 000 000 000 in order to attract Harris to play the much celebrated event. His appearence went down a real treat amongst the Glastonbury-goers however, most of whom remarked on the intensity of the headlining performance. He played such fan favourites as 'Dunno II', 'Blank Pelvis' and even brought on Emilé Wordsworth for a duet of 'Comfortably Numb'. He received much criticism, however, for not playing the hit that originally kick-started his music career, 'Dunno'. Fans were disgruntled at the lack of this song on the set-list, especially considering the amount of money Eavis had payed Harris to play, but on the whole they thoroughly enjoyed the electrifying performance.