User talk:KKato1994/sandbox

Peer Review

I really enjoyed reading this section and learning more about Shibuya and the growing political acceptance of LGBTQ identifying people. The entry kept a neutral tone throughout the paper, and I didn’t see many biased or overly-general phrases like “some people..” or “unfortunately”. The citations might need updated, I wasn’t sure If they should remain in APA or not. I appreciated that you liked “pinkwashing” as well. I do have one or two suggestions though.

-In this first sentence, I would specify to the reader who “they” are (Shibuya government)

-“The first certified couple was a couple of lesbians,” I don’t know why but the wording of this sentence made me laugh. I would suggest changing it to “The first couple to be certified were lesbians, Koyuki Higashi.”Chloe asmith (talk) 20:50, 20 April 2018 (UTC)

Thank you for your review! I fixed the two points you made!

Khabo's Peer Review

Overall, I found your draft to be amazing! It had a clear and strong lead section; clear structure; well balanced and strong sections; neutral content; and relevant sources. The only things I would suggest corrections on are: addressing the source of "some people" in the beginning and editing out the [5] at the end of some of your sentences.

Khaboninajoy (talk)

Thank you very much for your review and I accepted your points!

Brendan's Peer Review

Hi Kei! I think that you have a really good start to the article here. I think that it is balanced and gives a good sense of what you are trying to show about the issue, but without being biased. I have copied your article below, and made some edits to the text that I think make things a little more clear and understandable. Only suggestions though! Overall this is a really awesome first draft!

In 2015, the “Ordinance for Promoting Respect of Gender Equality and Diversity in the Shibuya Ward[1],” The ward became the first municipality that issues same-sex partnership certificates[2]. According to this ordinance, same-sex couples who live in Shibuya are allowed “to rent apartments together, and have gained hospital visitation rights as family members[2]. Is this an author? Scholar? I would change the lead in, remove the in-text citation of the year as it is different from wikipedia citation style Shimizu (2015) also expects the ordinance to bring three benefits to same-sex couples: "(1) rental housing within the ward (co-signing of tenancy agreements for municipal/public housing), (2) medical institutions within the ward (hospital visitation and medical decision-making rights as family members), and (3) employment conditions within the ward (e.g. family benefits, congratulations and condolence leave)" [1]. In order to apply for the certificate, couples must be 20-years-old or older residents of Shibuya Ward and have to state that "their relationship is based on love and mutual trust" in a notarized document"[3]. The first certificated couple was a couple of lesbians maybe reword this sentence to say, "A lesbian couple, Koyuki Higashi (a former member of the Takarazuka Review) and Hiroko Masuhara (an entrepreneur) were the first to recieve this certication", Koyuki Higashi, a former member of the Takarazuka Revue, and Hiroko Masuhara, an entrepreneur[3]. Since the Shibuya Ward passed the ordinance, it has been what has been? maybe change this to, "Since the Shibuya Ward passed the ordinance, it has had a national impact with seven other municipalities offering a same-sex partnership certifacte." spread nationally, and other seven municipalities issue same-sex pertnership spelling: partnership certificates today[4].

However Maybe change to, "Despite the success of the ordinance', a BBC's reporter points out it has little legal binding force, saying "the ordinance amounts to a moral obligation on Shibuya businesses, which will not be penalised I think I would use American English spelling, "penalized" if they do not recognise again, I think I would use American English spelling: "recognized" the certificate" though their names will be posted on the ward's website if they violate the ordinance[5]. Also, Shimizu (2015) see statement in previous paragraph discusses that this system "is not equivalent to marriage, as it does not accord I would reduce the complexity of your language and just say "give" instead of accord same-sex couples the same rights as heterosexual couples when it comes to inheritance, joint filing of taxes, or social welfare"[1]. Additionally, as it requires at least a hundred thousand yen to apply for the certificate, some couples actually hesitate to apply for the certificates because of its expensive fees if the sources supports this, it might sound better to say "which can be restrictive to some couples, instead of "some couples actually hesitate..." [6]. Furthermore, Shimizu (2015) argues that Shibuya Ward has been criticized for pinkwashing as “while passing this ordinance, the administration also moved to expel the homeless in Miyashita Park and other parks in the ward"[1]. Pointing out that the mayor of Shibuya Ward in an interview stated that this is not a matter of human rights, but of diversity, Yuri Horie claimed that the term of diversity seems to be used to divide citizens into the good and the bad; it raises only the ones who contribute to the consumeristic society as representer of “diversity of sexuality” while excluding the useless ones[7]. Yuki Tsuchiya, a lesbian activist, also argues that LGBT individuals are used to promote the Ward[8]. — Preceding unsigned comment added by 64.247.113.169 (talk) 02:01, 21 April 2018 (UTC)

Thank you for your review! I fixed all of your points, but not penalised, recognise, and accord because they are from direct quotes.