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This page is about female sexual arousal and orgasm. For background, history and politics, see Human female sexuality.

Female sexuality includes all aspects of women's sexual experiences, especially in relation to how these may differ to the male equivalents (including sexual desire, sexual arousal and orgasm). Up until the 1950’s, society believed that women only participated in sex either for the purposes of procreation or to satisfy their partner. There was shock and disbelief when Alfred Kinsey suggested that female sexuality might include women feeling sexual desire at all (‘Sexual behavior in the human female’ published 1953). Yet the idea that women were just as sexual as men became popular overnight despite the known facts.

"Sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson report that failure to reach orgasm accounts for about 90% of female sexual problems. Reliable figures are not available, but it is estimated that about 10% of women never have orgasm, while 20% have orgasm infrequently. Men experience anorgasmia infrequently." (Michael Carrera; Dictionary of Sexual Terms; 1992)

Masters and Johnson concluded, in the 1960’s, that the clitoris (and NOT the vagina as had been previously assumed) was the source of female orgasm. To explain how women might orgasm from vaginal intercourse, it was suggested that the hood of the clitoris is pulled each time the penis thrusts into the vagina thus causing sufficient 'indirect clitoral stimulation' for female orgasm. In 1976 Shere Hite in her book ‘The Hite Report’ on female sexuality agreed that this 'indirect clitoral stimulation' caused by the thrusting penis might explain how SOME women orgasm from vaginal intercourse but she proposed that such a mechanism provided INSUFFICIENT clitoral stimulation to allow MOST women to orgasm.

"Most women do not orgasm as a result of intercourse per se. The overwhelming majority of women require specific clitoral contact for orgasm." (The Hite Reports; 1993)

These conclusions were not generally popular and, having failed to gain general acceptance, they have been marginalised in the modern day explanations for women's sexual experiences. Possible reasons for their rejection include:

(1) Given the difficulty in identifying women's sexual responses, it was natural to assume that women responded to sex essentially the same as men did;

(2) The concept of women's easy sexual arousal and orgasm became associated with women's sexual attractiveness, both as women saw themselves and as men perceived women;

(3) Hite's conclusions are reassuring to those women who masturbate but they don't necessarily help couples with their sexual relationship;

(4) Female masturbation remains relatively uncommon and so most women approach sex as a loving and sensual experience rather than aiming for orgasm through genital stimulation; and

(5) Although heterosexuals can engage on other sexual activities, vaginal intercourse is seen to be core to how a man and a woman enjoy their sexual relationship.

“Many men believe that if a woman excites them sexually and looks sexy, she must be experiencing sexual feelings – in other words, if she looks sexy she must feel sexy; if she’s exciting me, she must be excited, too. The man projects his own excitement onto the woman.” (Jonathan Kramer and Diane Dunway; How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love; 1994)

Enjoying orgasm through genital stimulation

Anyone, whether male or female, alone or with a partner, can enjoy their sexuality by discovering how to achieve psychological sexual arousal (through an appreciation of eroticism ), which they learn to bring to a peak of arousal called 'orgasm' (through genital stimulation). Men learn how their sexual arousal works and how to reach orgasm through masturbation,[1] yet, against all logic[2], it is often assumed that women orgasm during sex without the benefit of the same learning process.

Boys discover masturbation as a natural development of their sexuality during adolescence. When a boy reaches puberty his penis increases substantially in size and it also becomes more responsive to stimulation, both mental and physical. Women’s sexual arousal is not automatic as a man’s tends to be so there is no similar natural trigger for a girl to explore how her genitals respond to physical stimulation.[3] Consequently, relatively few women discover how to masturbate.

“Women often feel they have no right to sexual experience apart from that which a man provides.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)

Without the familiarity with orgasm from masturbation, most women are not even necessarily aiming for orgasm through genital stimulation from their sexual relationships as men do. Although women are much more likely to reach orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation, via masturbation or oral sex, relatively few heterosexual women are enthusiastic about such explicitly sexual behaviours.[4] People tend to be shocked by sexual behaviour that they have no experience of. A woman, who has no experience of her own sexual arousal, never understands why anyone would want to stimulate their genitals. This explains why men often cover up their use of masturbation for fear of offending women.[5]

“Biologically and hormonally, men are much more driven to be sexual than women are.” (John Gray; Mars & Venus in the Bedroom; 1995)

Sex is much more important to men, both emotionally and physiologically, than it is to most women. To a degree, the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship motivate a man to support a family. Men can also enjoy sex regardless of whether they are in a relationship. The vast majority of women approach sex through their relationship with their partner, which explains why relatively few women masturbate and why women rarely pay for sex.

The role of psychological sexual arousal

Sexual arousal is a psychological state, as evidenced by physical phenomena (such as increased blood flow to the genitals), that leads up to a person achieving orgasm. Sexual arousal is the first stage in enjoying our sexuality through genital stimulation and orgasm. Without sexual arousal, orgasm does not happen. It is perfectly healthy, for both men and women, to express their sexuality through sexual arousal and orgasm as a natural part of the human experience.[6]

Men's sexual arousal happens fairly spontaneously [7] because they become aroused through seeing the body of a person they find attractive. They also experience spontaneous arousal (younger men's early morning erection) due to the much higher levels of testosterone in their bodies. This means that the progression from sexual arousal, to genital stimulation and orgasm are much easier for a boy to discover.

"... women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic ... women have to make a more conscious choice to become aroused" From Ways Women Orgasm, the female sexuality forum "[1]".

During masturbation men use erotic images (usually of naked women, especially their sexual attributes) and women use erotic scenarios (usually stories with a complex psychological context) for psychological sexual arousal. Many women never discover masturbation because they dislike the eroticism (pornography and erotica) that leads to sexual arousal. [8] They do not appreciate that, for both men and women, sexual arousal arises from the mind responding to eroticism. [9]

”Usually, men are turned on more by pictures and visual images, women are turned on more by words” (Tracey Cox; Hot Relationships; 1999)

A person has a potential to enjoy sexual pleasure through his or her body's response to mental and physical stimulation. Each individual can limit their experiences on grounds of their moral beliefs.[10] Women are more likely than men to exercise conscious limits on sexual pleasure in part because women have a much lower drive to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.[11]

The role of genital stimulation

As a research student in the United States in the early 1970’s, Shere Hite circulated a lengthy questionnaire through women’s magazines and to passers-by on the street. She asked women to answer direct questions about orgasm anonymously and, from the responses of over 3,000 women, concluded that, since clitoral stimulation is needed for orgasm, most women would find orgasm easier during masturbation than during vaginal intercourse.[12]

"The vagina, or birth canal, understandably has very few nerve endings. The clitoris, or joy button, has as many as a man's penis. In order to orgasm you need to touch what works." From Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University’s Health Q&A Internet Resource, at "[2]".

Most experts today agree that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm. [13] The issue remains contentious though because relatively few women understand that genital stimulation is required for a person to experience orgasm. So although few men would attempt to reach orgasm without stimulating their penis[14], many women claim to orgasm without clitoral stimulation simply because they believe that orgasm is caused by the penis thrusting into the vagina.

"The woman-in-the-street (most of us) still has the impression that it is ‘normal’ to orgasm from male thrusting.” (The Hite Reports; 1993)

Men’s psychological arousal is so often automatic (it happens subconsciously) that it appears as if men become aroused purely through physical stimulation of the penis. In fact, genital stimulation only leads to orgasm once a person is mentally aroused. So clitoral stimulation does not by itself guarantee orgasm. So, for example, even during female masturbation clitoral stimulation leads to orgasm ONLY when it is combined with the use of sexual fantasies. [15]

Fantasies can be difficult to use with a partner

A woman learns from masturbation that her sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of complex psychological scenarios, through sexual fantasies. When her psychological state of sexual arousal reaches a peak, synchronised with explicit stimulation of the clitoris, she is able to reach orgasm. In other words, psychological sexual arousal is not an optional extra but a necessary prerequisite in order for a person to enjoy orgasm. [16]

“Few of us reach orgasm without fantasy, so let your imagination go wild!” (Tracey Cox; Hot Sex; 1998)

Men don’t use their pornographic magazines for arousal during sex so why would a woman need to use her sexual fantasies? Surely the ‘real thing’ should be better than the substitute used during masturbation? The difference is that men become aroused through erotic images from pornographic magazines (usually the body of a naked woman). This arousal mechanism transfers fairly naturally from masturbation to sex (in the form of a lover’s naked body).

A woman is likely to have much greater difficulty transferring her sexual fantasies to sex with a partner. The psychological and emotional context of masturbation alone is so different to 'making love' with a partner that a woman may never even consider using fantasy during sex. Women whose fantasies have a relatively complex psychological context to them (as many do) that is often quite surreal are often difficult to relate to real-life sexual activity with a partner. [17]

“Among the most common varieties of sexual fantasies are those that can best be described as old familiar stories. ... In many instances, the complexity of this fantasy makes it more suitable for use in solitary situations than during sexual activity with a partner.” (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality (fifth edition); 1995)

Women whose sexual fantasies have been evolved for use during masturbation alone, may find that they cannot use their fantasies effectively during sex with a partner. Achieving the arousal necessary to reach orgasm from fantasy alone requires a high degree of mental focus. Not only can this be difficult to do in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is often incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner. [18]

Clitoral stimulation can be less effective during sex

Despite the ideological goal of sexual equality, today it is popularly believed that women (but not men) need a loving and considerate partner, who by using physical stimulation techniques alone, will be able to 'give a woman an orgasm'. This pressure on men to provide women's sexual satisfaction has led to a number of the modern male sexual dysfunctions (premature ejaculation and impotence). [19]

“Waiting for the Right Man to make us orgasm is like waiting for the prince to come.” (The Hite Report; 1976)

The misconception that vaginal intercourse, or any physical stimulation technique for that matter, will lead to spontaneous female sexual arousal leads to women taking a passive stance in sex. [20] Women are handicapped by their absolute belief in the sexual fantasy that male thrusting alone will eventually lead to orgasm. [21] A woman needs to approach sex just as actively as she does masturbation.

Men approach sex with a desire to stimulate their penis (via intercourse or other means) because they are already aroused. A woman’s challenge is to discover how to the levels of sexual arousal during sex that are required for genital stimulation to be effective (lead to orgasm). [22] Even a woman who is familiar with orgasm from masturbation, does not necessarily approach sex with a desire to simulate her clitoris because, without the use of fantasy, she lacks the means of achieving the necessary psychological sexual arousal required for orgasm. It is only, once a person is sexually aroused, that it makes sense for them to stimulate their genitals to take that state of sexual arousal to orgasm.

Some women do use their fantasies during sex

Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm as men do simply by looking at or otherwise appreciating a man’s body or his sexual attributes. If they did, then women would pay to enjoy the sight of the male body as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines (as men do) to enjoy looking at pictures of naked men. Some women are able to use their mind-based fantasies during sex.

Alternatively as she matures and her clitoris becomes slightly less sensitive, a woman may discover her own physical sexual arousal as part of her sexual relationship by using her sexual fantasies as inspiration for a wider variety of physical (fantasy-inspired) sex play with a partner. She may enjoy a form of physical sexual arousal and orgasm that is highly pleasurable although perhaps not as sexually satisfying as orgasm through fantasy. [23]

“Orgasms vary, both between women and for the same woman at different times. We experience different qualities of orgasm depending upon the degree and kind of stimulation we receive and also on what is going on in our minds.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)

Both men [24] and women [25] use sexual fantasies to enhance arousal but women’s use of fantasies is different to men’s. [26] As long as a man has the benefit of novelty, either a new relationship or a partner he finds sexually attractive, he can usually reach orgasm during sex without needing to use sexual fantasy of any kind. It is only over time when the novelty of sex wears off that he may need to make use of sexual fantasy in order to reach orgasm with a partner. [27]

Understandably many people feel insulted by the idea that their lover may fantasise during sex. A drawing (reproduced from Playboy November 1977) of a couple in bed, shows the man looking forlorn and the woman saying, “I think you’re being silly. Would you like it better if I was thinking of you and sleeping with Robert Redford?” (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality (fifth edition); 1995)

Hence there is a certain taboo over women's use of sexual fantasy during sex because a man assumes that a woman does not find him attractive enough or that he is not satisfying her through sex play, including physical stimulation techniques. Perhaps because of this taboo, women’s use of fantasies during sex is rarely acknowledged. Consequently it is easy to overlook the possibility that female orgasm might actually depend on the use of sexual fantasies. [28]

Some women do use clitoral stimulation during sex

Unfortunately, intercourse alone provides insufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Over time (often years) SOME women learn how to orgasm during intercourse by using specific techniques to reach orgasm.

"Some women learn how to orgasm through intercourse with practice." From Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University’s Health Q&A Internet Resource, at "[3]".

Shere Hite explained in ‘The Hite Report’ (1976):

(1) Some women obtain the DIRECT clitoral stimulation they need for orgasm by stimulating their clitoris by hand during sex with a partner. [29]

(2) Other women find a position for intercourse that maximises the INDIRECT clitoral stimulation from male thrusting. Although this approach is ideologically appealing, orgasm is generally more difficult without DIRECT genital stimulation. [30]

Especially for younger women, the clitoris can be highly sensitive to touch and men are likely to struggle to find an effective way to stimulate their partner by hand. Men tend to want to control the stimulation of their penis during sex and there is no reason why a woman should not expect the same degree of control over her own genital stimulation. [31] Naturally, any woman who can orgasm through oral sex is also able to enjoy orgasm with a partner.

"Men’s innate level of arousal is usually so high (especially when younger) that they orgasm no matter how they are stimulated. ... Women’s minds and bodies are not as flexible in the way they respond to stimuli – often we only orgasm in specific circumstances." From Ways Women Orgasm, the female sexuality forum "[4]".

The difficulty is that women are much more restricted in how they can reach orgasm. So, for example, most men can orgasm easily through masturbation (both alone and with a partner), oral sex and intercourse (any variety). If a woman is lucky enough to discover orgasm, she often finds only one way to orgasm and often the easiest way is through masturbation alone. [32] Other women go through the whole of their lives without ever experiencing orgasm.

Confusion over female orgasm

Women who learn about orgasm through masturbation are disappointed when sexual arousal is much more difficult to achieve with a partner. They often conclude that they are sexually dysfunctional because other women claim to orgasm easily during intercourse. Yet such women are simply exposing their ignorance about how a person achieves orgasm. [33] Certainly, vaginal intercourse does not by itself provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for female orgasm.

"You are absolutely right that this is a question that a lot of women have. They are looking for the 'Look, Ma! No Hands!' orgasm. According to Shere Hite, only 30% of women orgasm through penile thrusting alone. This is not about failure - this is about anatomy. For a woman , the nerve endings are concentrated in the clitoris. During intercourse, her vagina is stimulated, but her clitoris is not" From Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University’s Health Q&A Internet Resource, at "[5]".

Women who are unfamiliar with orgasm are simply placing a different interpretation on their sexual experiences. [34] They accept their sexual experiences for what they are because they never know what they are missing. [35] Women are told that orgasm occurs easily and naturally during sex so many believe that they orgasm when, in fact, they don’t. [36] Such women will describe their sexual experiences, even in terms of arousal and orgasm, as if they arise from their feelings for their partner. They interpret orgasm as an accumulation of emotional sensations rather than as a true sexual release. [37] But loving feelings do not lead to orgasm.

"Some women never experience orgasm through intercourse only through masturbation or oral sex, so you are not alone." From Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University’s Health Q&A Internet Resource, at "[6]".

For a person to reach orgasm they need in the first place to be motivated to explore their sexuality (both alone and with a partner) in order to find ways of enjoying sexual pleasure. For a woman this involves, being open-minded about sex play with a partner and willing to explore her sexual fantasies. [38] Many women never appreciate that it’s possible for a woman to enjoy orgasm through genital stimulation as men do. They never realise not only that orgasm is a significant pleasure but also that a woman needs to know how to achieve it. Orgasms don’t ‘just happen’. A woman is fortunate if she discovers orgasm by any means.

Many women never orgasm by any means

Sexual desire is associated with ‘sex drive’. ‘The male sex drive’ was defined as a man’s biological drive to procreate by thrusting into a woman’s vagina until ejaculation (usually co-incident with male orgasm). Before the publication of Kinsey's report, a woman was perceived to have a passive role of accepting the sexual advances of the male. Consequently, a woman could be the object of a man’s sexual desire but it was rare to describe a man as the object of a woman’s desire.

Kinsey established that women were capable of orgasm. What was less clear was how and when women achieved orgasm. Nevertheless, it became popular belief that women experienced sexual desire, sexual arousal and orgasm as naturally and easily as men. This conclusion led to increased pressure on women to fake orgasm as well as to the modern female sexual dysfunctions (including difficulties with low sexual desire, lack of sexual arousal and inability to orgasm).

“Between 10 and 15 percent of women never reach an orgasm at all, even during masturbation. Another 10 to 15 percent achieve orgasm only through masturbation. Only approximately 30 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Perhaps as many women have never reached orgasm during intercourse. Inability to have orgasm during intercourse is the second most common sexual complaint of women – behind lack of sexual desire.” (Joel Block; Secrets of Better Sex; 1997)

Although we often think of sex in terms of sexual pleasure, the PRIME purpose of sex is in fact, not sexual pleasure but, reproduction. [39] One of the key mis-understandings is that vaginal intercourse is a reproductive act whereby the male impregnates the female. The vagina, as part of the birth canal, has very few nerve endings and so intercourse by itself is unlikely to lead to female orgasm, since female orgasm is not required for reproduction. [40] Of course, the converse also follows. Just as vaginal intercourse is not designed to facilitate female orgasm, women are also not as strongly motivated by orgasm as men tend to be. Orgasm represents a relatively small proportion of women's total sexuality.

“For most women orgasm does not have this central role in life. And if it does, it tends to be for a small part of their lives, and often to melt into the background against other significant experiences and other expressions of their sexuality.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)

Many women never orgasm during sex: not because women are dysfunctional but because sex is not designed to facilitate female orgasm either physically or psychologically. Female orgasm represents one of Nature’s redundancies. Unlike men, women are much less versatile in how they are able to orgasm. A woman often finds only one way to orgasm and unfortunately the easiest way is through masturbation alone. [41]

Enjoying sexual pleasure with a partner

A person seeks to enjoy sexual pleasure, in the form of their own sexual arousal and orgasm, as a direct consequence of sexual desire. Many heterosexual women though, especially if they are unfamiliar with orgasm, enjoy sharing physical intimacy with a loving partner, including being the object of a man's sexual passion, regardless of their own ability to orgasm during sex. [42] Women themselves often define their own sexuality in terms of their sense of emotional well-being and their attractiveness to men rather than by their motivation to be actively sexual either through masturbation or with a partner.

"... women rarely feel orgasmic pleasure from intercourse, it's more a feeling of closeness and intimacy with your partner. ... Often it takes women longer, much longer than men to become aroused." From Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University’s Health Q&A Internet Resource, at "[7]".

Women's key family role makes them more dependent on a supportive relationship. Hence heterosexual society often promotes the idea that women’s experience of sex should be restricted to vaginal intercourse. Since women are less motivated by orgasm and more motivated to build long-term emotional bonds through love-making, heterosexual women's sexuality is often defined in terms of their sexual role of facilitating reproduction:

(1) by focusing their efforts on presenting the sexual attributes of their bodies to attract the sexual attentions of a man;

(2) by preferring sensual 'love-making' to more explicitly sexual activity based on clitoral stimulation (such as oral sex or masturbation); and

(3) by facilitating male orgasm through vaginal intercourse (including assisting with male arousal by exaggerating their own sexual arousal).

A woman who is familiar with orgasm from masturbation is likely to be less accepting of a role focused on facilitating male orgasm.[43] Either way, in the absence of her own sexual arousal, a woman approaches her sexual relationship with a man through emotional (loving and romantic) feelings rather than sexual. Romance does not help directly with female orgasm but it may cause a woman to be more amenable to sex by accepting her partner's love-making. [44]

"As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfillment during sex." (John Gray; Mars & Venus in the Bedroom; 1995)

Men approach sex with a genital focus because they are already aroused so they often fail to engage on the sensual aspects of sex. [45] Since female orgasm is often difficult to achieve with a partner, women are more likely to be looking to enjoy their own arousal through more general pleasuring and non-genitally focused activities. [46] A woman hopes that a man will show his gratitude by engaging on the more companionable and supportive aspects of the relationship. [47]

References

  1. ^ “It has been said that 90 per cent of men admit to masturbation and the other ten per cent are liars. … Masturbation is almost certainly less common among females than among males.” (Andrew Stanway; Loving Touch; 1993)
  2. ^ “Masturbation is a sure way (and often the only way) to discover what turns you on sexually, and unless you know how to excite yourself, you’ve got zero chance of telling your partner how to.” (Tracey Cox; Hot Sex; 1998)
  3. ^ “Unlike a boy’s very obvious penis, which he knows is pleasurable to touch and fondle, a girl’s genitals are hidden, mysterious, remote. I find it remarkable (and disturbing) that many women have never used a mirror to see what their genitals look like and to find out where their clitoris is.” (Derek Lloyd-Jones; EveryMan; 1980)
  4. ^ “Many women think of masturbation as unnatural and disgusting and a complete waste of time, and don’t understand why anybody does it and are unsympathetic to the view that people might continue to do it even though they have sexual partners. The majority of men, though they may keep their feelings to themselves, don’t agree.” (Miriam Stoppard; Healthy Sex; 1998)
  5. ^ “Male masturbation has always been a secret from which women have been excluded. Even in marriage, few women are given the opportunity to witness it.” (Miriam Stoppard; Healthy Sex; 1998)
  6. ^ “… masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (Derek Lloyd-Jones; EveryMan; 1980)
  7. ^ “A man is much more easily and quickly aroused, and reaches orgasm in a very short time in almost any situation.” (Miriam Stoppard; Healthy Sex; 1998)
  8. ^ “While women read romantic novels, men read pornography. While romance packages sex with love, fidelity and marriage, pornography packages sex with violence, possession and promiscuity. This means that women and men often have very different views of sex and what it is all about.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  9. ^ “ … fantasy and sexual desire often merge together. People with low levels of sexual desire typically have few sexual fantasies…” (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality; 1995)
  10. ^ “Although every child learns that pretending is an important type of play, sexual fantasies after childhood are usually not thought of as playful. This attitude may exist because sex is usually regarded as a serious matter, even in the imagination. Furthermore, some religious traditions regard a thought as equivalent to an act; thus, a person who has ‘immoral’ sexual daydreams or desires is as sinful as a person who acts on those impulses.” (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality; 1995)
  11. ^ “Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality; 1995)
  12. ^ “As sex therapist Lonnie Barbach notes: “In reality, the clitoris is the female sex organ. … The vagina is comparable in sensitivity to the male testicles.” (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality; 1995)
  13. ^ “The source of an orgasm, then, is clitoral. But a woman can feel orgasm mainly in her clitoris or the area beneath it, or in her vagina, or both, or in the whole pelvic area including her uterus, or – indeed – flooding her whole body.“ (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  14. ^ “Men, imagine having sex without having your penis stimulated. It would certainly not be very much fun.” (John Gray; Mars & Venus in the Bedroom; 1995)
  15. ^ “However we feel about fantasies, it is clear that sex is not, for most of us, just a rubbing together of bodies, but involves our minds … We take our minds with us into each sexual encounter.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  16. ^ “The more you fantasise, the higher your libido. … it’s pretty well established that the more you think about sex, the more you want it. That makes fantasies the cheapest, most effective sex aid around.” (Tracey Cox; Hot Sex; 1998)
  17. ^ “There is a startling gulf between fantasy and what a woman is really seeking in a sexual relationship and she may find this very disturbing.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  18. ^ “Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The immediacy of someone else’s needs actually inhibits the expression and satisfaction of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  19. ^ "Closely linked with the traditional pressure on men to maintain long erection and thrusting during intercourse is the idea that it is a man’s role to ‘give’ the woman an orgasm during intercourse. … In addition to the pressure created by this role, this idea also often puts the man in a no-win situation since the information he has been given – that thrusting during intercourse should bring a woman to orgasm – is faulty. This places him in a vulnerable position, leaving him to doubt his masculinity whenever female orgasm does not occur and also possibly pressuring the woman to fake orgasms.” (The Hite Reports; 1993)
  20. ^ “The women who had orgasm during intercourse were usually those who, in a sense, did it themselves. They did not expect to ‘receive’ orgasm automatically from the thrusting of the partner.” (The Hite Reports; 1993)
  21. ^ “ … orgasm is most likely to come when the woman takes over responsibility for and control of her own stimulation. You always, in essence, create your own orgasm. … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are: (1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and (2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (The Hite Reports; 1993)
  22. ^ “Roxanne, a forty-seven-year-old psychiatrist, explains also that ‘women probably fantasize more and harder than men, because the traditional idea of feminine behaviour is a burden to a woman during sex. … Fantasy restores the balance. Add to that that women spend more time thinking up stories anyway, and read more fiction than men, and you’ve got a wild world in there … lewd extravagances that I’ll bet most men never come even close to imagining.’ By focusing on some aspect of sex that she finds particularly arousing, and by exaggerating it to the point of outrageousness, a woman increases her chances of climaxing.” (Rachel Swift; Satisfaction Guaranteed; 1996)
  23. ^ “Most women who masturbate experience orgasm. More have orgasm with masturbation than in sex with a partner and these orgasms are often much more powerful than those experienced with lovemaking.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  24. ^ “Fantasy and masturbation go together like bacon and eggs and lots of people have one favourite that always guarantees an orgasm. Studies show more than 50 per cent of us fantasise every time we make love with our partner.” (Tracey Cox; Hot Sex; 1998)
  25. ^ “Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality (fifth edition); 1995)
  26. ^ “Reality and fantasy are further apart for women than for men …” (Rachel Swift; Satisfaction Guaranteed; 1996)
  27. ^ “ … people who report most guilt about having fantasies during intercourse have higher levels of sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction than those who are relatively guilt-free.” (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality (fifth edition); 1995)
  28. ^ “Women fantasize more than men, and their fantasies are extremely explicit” (Rachel Swift; Satisfaction Guaranteed; 1996)
  29. ^ “To have an orgasm during intercourse, there are two ways a woman can increase her chances always remembering that she is adapting her body to less than adequate stimulation. (1) First and most important, she must consciously try to apply her masturbation techniques to intercourse, or experiment to find out what else may work for her to get clitoral stimulation; or, (2) she can work out a sexual relationship with a particular man who can meet her individual needs.” (The Hite Reports; 1993)
  30. ^ “Twenty-five to 30 percent of women climax without additional clitoral stimulation. Experts believe these women may have a larger clitoris than usual so it’s more easily ‘rubbed’ by a thrusting penis.” (Tracey Cox; Hot Sex; 1998)
  31. ^ “During ‘sex’ as our society defines it both people know what to expect and how to make it possible for the man to orgasm. The whole thing is prearranged, preagreed. But there are not really any patterns or prearranged times and places for a woman to orgasm – unless she can manage to do so during intercourse. So women are put in the position of asking for something ‘special’, some ‘extra’ stimulation…” (The Hite Reports; 1993)
  32. ^ “During eighteen years of marriage, we did everything but stand on our heads, but there were few orgasms for me … Masturbation has always worked.” (The Hite Reports; 1993)
  33. ^ “I only ever orgasm with a partner through oral sex and only if he’s really good at it. Lots of my girlfriends claim they come during intercourse but to be honest, I don’t believe them. I’m sexually educated and have a high, healthy libido and if I don’t have vaginal orgasms, I can’t see why they would.” (Tracey Cox; Hot Sex; 1998)
  34. ^ “Orgasm is not just a vague feeling.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  35. ^ “For some women lovemaking without orgasm is unsatisfying and they feel they have missed out on something precious. For others the journey holds more richness and delight than the getting there.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman's experience of Sex; 1983)
  36. ^ “In some cases, it was not even clear to the woman herself whether there had been an orgasm or merely high levels of arousal.” (The Hite Report; 1976)
  37. ^ “When you have an orgasm the pelvic floor muscles always contract. If that does not happen you are not having an orgasm.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  38. ^ “Approximately 30 percent of women don’t have sexual fantasies. For some, it’s a vestige of the old notion that fantasy is something only men do. Others are embarrassed by the harshness of their sexual inspiration and quickly squash it.” (Rachel Swift; Satisfaction Guaranteed; 1996)
  39. ^ “… since female orgasm is not necessary during intercourse for reproduction to occur, why should nature provide stimulation for female orgasm during intercourse?” (The Hite Reports; 1993)
  40. ^ “In summary, since intercourse has been defined as the basic form of sexuality, and the only natural, healthy, and moral form of physical contact, it has automatically been assumed that this is when women should orgasm.” (The Hite Reports; 1993)
  41. ^ “Only about half of all the women who have told me about their sexual experiences say they usually have orgasms during lovemaking. The others either do not have orgasms, or find that they usually have an orgasm only when masturbating.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  42. ^ "Nevertheless, many women prefer intercourse to masturbation because it gives them additional sensual benefits such as being held and being kissed and also makes them part of a spontaneous give and take." (William Masters, Virginia Johnson & Robert Kolodny; Human Sexuality (fifth edition); 1995)
  43. ^ “Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (Derek Lloyd-Jones; EveryMan; 1980)
  44. ^ “But even when a man realizes that he should delay penetration, or that the woman may not want it at all, he sometimes makes straight for the erogenous zones or the clitoris, with a hand or mouth, ignoring every other part of the body…. Women need plenty of time in which to unwind and begin to feel desire and desirable.” (Sheila Kitzinger; Woman’s Experience of Sex; 1983)
  45. ^ “What women want in a sexual relationship: (1) More spontaneity: all too often the sexual pattern is routine, preordained, expected. (2) More passion – and less urgency to have intercourse quickly. (3) Their man to have less preoccupation with his own penis.” (Derek Lloyd-Jones; EveryMan; 1980)
  46. ^ “Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. … A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (John Gray; Mars & Venus in the Bedroom; 1995)
  47. ^ “A woman… wants more intimacy, comprising affection, commitment, and respect for individual identity… Although she knows he wants sex, she is frustrated because this seems to be the only form of intimacy he is interested in with her.” (Jonathan Kramer and Diane Dunway; Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love; 1994)
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