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The Fiver

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The Fiver is a humourous daily football email published by the Guardian Unlimited website. It is delivered to subscribers’ inboxes at 5 p.m. Monday – Friday (hence the name "Fiver") but does not appear in the print edition of the Guardian newspaper. Even though it is being published by a UK based newspaper, The Fiver enjoys a global worldwide following.

Content

In its current format the The Fiver consists of:

Main Stories
Two commentaries on selected events (although this used to be three), usually highlighting the negative side of the modern game, unsportsmanlike behaviour or the failure or embarrassment of a team or player. These events are usually presented in a humourous, ironic, cynical and wearily disdainful manner. Occasionally subjects of sufficient importance are dealt with in a completely serious manner, for example the death of a great player or major incidents of crowd racism.
Quote of the Day
Features a contemporary quote made by a famous (or infamous) footballing figure, again selected for its comedy value.
News in Brief
Summary of the day’s stories about player injuries, disciplinary hearings, completed transfers, international matches.
Rumour Mill
Managerial and transfer related gossip and speculation culled from other newspapers and websites.
Readers’ Letters
Comments, general observations and criticisms, with a prize awarded to the letter judged best of the day.
TV & Radio
Summary of the evening’s football related programming, accompanied by anecdotal submissions from readers on various and frequently changing themes.
Last Line
A brief ‘sign-off’ line, typically an esoteric cultural reference, topical comment, song lyric or writers’ in-joke.

Humour

Much of the humour in The Fiver derives from the tongue-in-cheek use of national and regional stereotypes. For example, frequent references are made to The Fiver’s English and Irish 'cousins' "Sexually Repressed Morris dancing Fiver" and "Theme pub O’Fiver". 'Family' members are often invented as and when required to portray the press of a given country. In addition the most successful teams of the time are usually on the receiving end of many jokes. The Fiver employs the kinds of jokes and insults used by football fans themselves, combining this with sharp observation, which no-doubt contributes towards its popularity amongst its readers, although that could also be why it is often accused of bias by the fans of the team which happens to be on the receiving end (for more on this subject, see the history of changes to this page). The Fiver is full of irony - even the name of the publication is somewhat sarcastic as it often arrives well after five o'clock.

Recurring sources of humour include:

  • The (mis)fortunes of the Home Nations’ international teams. For example, Northern Ireland's national team were referred to as "Northern Ireland-Nil" due to their proclivity for losing/failure to score, however, after their shock 1-0 victory over England in September 2005, became known as "Northern Ireland One-Nil". After a poor England performance, manager Sven Goran Eriksson's GBP 4 million salary is usually mentioned.
  • The Glasgow teams Celtic (with a traditionally Catholic fan-base) and Rangers (with traditionally Protestant fan-base) are referred to as ‘The Queen’s Celtic’ and ‘The Pope’s O’Rangers’, when in fact the opposite would be appropriate.
  • Segments of text are supposedly excised by "Fiver lawyers", the implication being to avoid libel suits, though the gist of the missing information is usually obvious, or already known, to the reader.
  • References to funny nicknames for English teams: MU Rowdies for Manchester United FC (since the Glazer family acquisition of the PLC); NUCC or Newcastle United Comedy Club; Birmingham FC referred to as Bongo FC in reference to their chairman's involvement in the pornography industry (bongo is English slang for porn).
  • Any news involving FIFA or its president Sepp Blatter, as well as UEFA and its president Lennart Johansson, implies that, whatever has been announced, the matter was being discussed simply as an excuse for a gluttonous lunch, with details of the menu usually added for illustrative purposes.
  • Referring to Guardian (and hence its own) readers by the 'sandal-wearing muesli-eaters' stereotype.
  • Football managers are jokingly referred to by nicknames - for instance Steve Bruce becomes Bernard Cribbins; Kevin Keegan becomes Kelvin Koogan, after a poll of readers' nicknames; Arsene Wenger becomes Arsene's Arsenal Wenger; and Sir Alex Ferguson has become, amongst many other nicknames, the Imperial Lord Ferg. Many -almost but not quite- abusive nicknames for footballers are common too, like the Amazing Mr. Em (for Emile Heskey).
  • Self-deprecating humour, proving that The Fiver is thrown together at the last minute by a bunch of talentless hacks.

The Fiver has a cousin The Spin which is all of the above but on the subject of cricket.

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