I am the Jimmyatic. Thank you for taking notes on this.

Funnies

Subject: Email from Heaven

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Because both of them worked, they had some difficulty coordinating travel schedules. They finally decided that the husband would leave for Florida on a certain day and the wife would follow him the day after. The man made it down to Florida as planned and went directly to his hotel. Once in his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife, who was still back in Minnesota, an e-mail. However, he accidentally left off one letter in typing his wife's e-mail address and sent the e-mail off without realizing his error.

In another part of the country a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran Pastor of many years, who had been "called home to glory" just a few days earlier. She decided to check her e-mail because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother lying on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following:

To: My Loving Wife.

Subject: I've arrived!

I've just checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Your Devoted Husband.

Subject: How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

7. Don't use any punctuation marks

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

11. Sing along at the opera.

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

14. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

15. When the money comes out the ATM, scream I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

16. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

17. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...

18. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Subject: How to Annoy People

29 Ways to Annoy People (For those who don't know how.)

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 7 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.

3. Sing along at the Opera.

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and cc. them to your boss.

8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

10. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.

11. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

12. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

13. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

14. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

15. Honk and wave to strangers.

16. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

17. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

18. type only in lower case.

19. Buy a large number of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

20. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now".

21. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

22. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up" and repeat.

23. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

24. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

25. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

26. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

27. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles".

28. Tell your friends 4 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Subject: Hero

Two boys are playing football in Denver City Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter, who was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Broncos Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Broncos fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Denver I just assumed you were." said the reporter. He erases the first headline and tries again. "Little Rockies Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Rockies fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Denver was either for the Broncos or Rockies. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Subject: Heart to heart

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When my parents were killed, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side, and now that I am dying, you are still here....You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Things to Ponder

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

If a black box in a plane is indestructible, why can't they make the whole plane out of it?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container?

Why call it a building if it's already been built?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do we call it a hot water heater if the water is already hot?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Is there another word for thesaurus?

Is the color orange called that because it's the color of the fruit of the same name, or was the fruit called orange because that's its color? Which came first, the color or the fruit?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?

What do they pack Styrofoam in?

Why did God give men nipples?

Is grass really greener on the other side?

Do boxer shorts box?

Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is it called a "near miss" when you don't hit something?

When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their signs?

Before the light bulb was invented, what appeared over peoples heads when they had an idea?

If you spin an Oriental person around and around, does he become disorientated?

If a vegetable goes into a coma, is it called a person?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why does the word monosyllabic contain five syllables?

If you wear an antennae to a wedding, would the reception be better?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what color would it change to?

Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know the time? Do I point to my crotch when I want to know where the bathroom is?

Why is there an 's' in lisp?

If you were scared half to death twice, would you be 3/4 dead or 100% dead?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest end up drowning as well?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If you asked a librarian where the books on self help were would they tell you, or would that defeat the purpose?

If ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine, why do we call it an ATM machine? And if PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, why do we call it a PIN number?

Subject: HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

A Visualization

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. There now......feeling better?

Subject: Dr. Seuss Tech

What if Dr. Seuss did technical writing? (You really have to read this one out loud to appreciate it)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!