Lawyer joke

Lawyer jokes, which predate Shakespeare's era, are commonly told by those outside the profession as an expression of contempt, scorn and derision. They serve as a form of social commentary or satire reflecting the cultural perception of lawyers.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers

— "Dick the Butcher" in Shakespeare's Henry VI, Part 2, act 4, scene 2, line 73

Historical examples

In 1728, John Gay wrote this verse as part of The Beggar's Opera:

A Fox may steal your hens, sir

A Whore your health and pence, sir

Your daughter rob your chest, sir

Your wife may steal your rest, sir

A thief your goods and plate

But this is all but picking

With rest, pence, chest and chicken

It ever was decreed, sir

If Lawyer's Hand is fee'd, sir

He steals your whole estate

At the end of the 1800s, Ambrose Bierce satirically defined litigation as "a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage".

The line "Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?" is cited by Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) but likely originated earlier.

Recurring themes

In the modern era, many complaints about lawyers fall into five general categories:

• abuse of litigation in various ways, including using dilatory tactics and false evidence and making frivolous arguments to the courts;
• preparation of false documentation, such as false deeds, contracts, or wills;
• deceiving clients and other persons and misappropriating property;
• procrastination in dealings with clients; and
• charging excessive fees.

A recurring theme, historically and today, is that of exorbitant legal fees consuming the entire value of property at stake in an estate or a dispute.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
or: It takes only one lawyer to change your lightbulb to his lightbulb.

The tale of the freshly-acquitted horse thief pleading that the judge issue an arrest warrant for "that dirty lawyer of mine" because "Your honour, you see, I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the horse I stole" is often modernised to "he went and took the car I stole" with little or nothing else changed.

While telling an ethnic joke risks the label of racism, lawyers are perceived as a highly privileged class, seemingly accountable only to other lawyers; the Bar Association, the judges, even many of the politicians and legislators are their fellow lawyers who inevitably give them free rein. After all, one does not choose one's ethnicity but may choose whether to pursue a career in law.

Of all the professions, Lawyer jokes are often the most blunt and to the point:

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.

or:

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Much like the foul-mouthed parrot or the dumb blonde, the heartless, cynical attorney is a stock character in many joke collections.

Often told is the anecdote where a wealthy lawyer, solicited for a charitable donation, replies "Do you realise my mother is dying of a long-term illness and has medical bills several times her income? Did you know that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you understand my sister is widowed and penniless with three dependent children? Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Similarly,

Lawyer: "I have some good news for you"
Client: "What good news? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit and was sentenced to die in the electric chair."
Lawyer: "That's all true, but I got the voltage lowered."

Other anecdotes are based on logical fallacy, such as a lawyer defending a client on trial for killing his parents: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I appeal to your basic decency to take mercy on this poor, defenceless orphan!"

Occasionally, lawyers themselves use self-deprecating humour about lawyers or the legal profession in an attempt to add levity to otherwise bland topics. Lawyers giving a talk, especially to the profession, often employ jokes as icebreakers.

See also

• Dewey, Cheatem and Howe