Mike Wells (defensive lineman)

Mike Wells (born June 1, 1971 is a former NFL defensive lineman who played from 1994–2001. He played for the Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears, Indianapolis Colts, and his high school team, the Alma Cardinals. He played defensive line for the University of Iowa as well.

Early Years

Mike Wells was diagnosed with type 4 skin and hair disease. His hair would grow at an abnormal rate. He would later bear the nickname "Racoon Ass". Its not truly known how and why he was given this nickname, but most can guess the circumstances. During his elementary years at Alma Public Schools, he was a shy, christian, black haired boy. If anyone broke any of the "Michael Wells Rules" he would run and tattle to his mommy, who was a teaching aid at the school. When Mike Wells reached the 7th grade, he began showing signs of change. His voice would start to deepen, and he would have talks of killing his mother over the lunch period to his friends. The good hearted "Michael Wells" had turned into the profanic, animalistic, athletic, and cannibalistic "MIKE WELLS".

Basketball Career

During the course of his 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th grade years he would try to play the sport of basketball. He wasn't known for his accurate shooting ability, but rather his patented "Mike Wells Defense" he would literally, blanket his opponent, causing him serious trouble to try and score a basket. But over the course of his High School years, the so called "Mike Wells Defense" would falter. He would ofter only play 1 or 2 minutes a game, if he was lucky. But it wasn't until his away game in "Northern Valley, Kansas" that he would once again bring fire to the Wells name in basketball. He would lead his team in scoring with 16 points. He also would get "hard fouled" and get to shoot two technical foul shots. Now, being the Christian that he is, Mike Wells DIDNT retalihate and beat the piss out of the Northern Vally Kid. Coming into his Junior. year Mike Wells wasn't heavily looked upon to help the team.

Early Football Career

Moving to football, Mike Wells dominated Jr. High football games as the "5th quarter" quarterback. He was so sinister and cunning, that for his home games he would wear the jersey number "84", and for his away games he would wear number "48 ". Now their are two theories behind this scheme. One theory made by Dr. Nathanel Hawkings was that, "Mike Wells simply had a jersey malfunction, a simple misprint". And the other theory by Dr. Heinz Stranzl of Austria "Simply put, one number wasn't enough to sustain the evil, rage, energy, and hate inside of Mike Wells. So, simply he HAD to wear two numbers."

Cross Country Career

His freshman year he opted out of footall and joined the cross country team. He averaged 77th place throughout his Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior years. He had the motivation and the ability to win every single meet. Hisotry tells us that Mike Wells believed in the ancient Chinese tactic, of "Slow and Steady Wins the Race". In order to get Mike Wells the extra boost he needed to win state, his fellow classmates Raab, and Relyt would threaten to slap Mike Wells in the balls once for every second behind the first place time he was. His Junior year along he would accumulate 1,345,867 slaps to the nuts.

Sexual Inadequacy

As stated earlier, as punishment for for his terrible ability in Cross Country, Raab and Relyt (his biggest fans), would strike him in the balls. His wife of 27 years, Riane, cites "I blame those sons of bitches every day for my hubby's terrible performance in bed..." "...i could have had at LEAST 17 little mike wells's running around this house by now, but no!"

It is uncertain as to if Mike Wells is getting treatment for his condition. It's been said that Mike Wells has tried to sue Raab and Relyt for that they did to him, but it turns out, he doesn't know their real names.

Senior Year

His senior year he decided to dominate in football once more. He led the Alma Cardinals to a class D1 state championship. He spent the whole summer in the weight room for 17 hours a day. He would lead the nation in Passing, Touchdown, Passing Efficiency, and QB Rating. He threw for 7,894 yards and threw for 183 touchdowns in 11 games (including post season). He had the highest quaterback rating ever recorded, 30 gazillon. He recieved numerous scholarships from top ranked schools all over the country.

Fun Facts

He is considered one of the hairiest men alive. He is the only know man in the world to actually beat Chuck Norris in a fist fight. It was discovered that a cure to cancer can be manifested off the hair and piss of Mike Well himself. A popular beverage in Taiwan called the "Mike Wells Shit Shake" was made after the great athlete. The drink is fueled by (Mike Wells' hair, sweat, spit, urine, shit, cum, and snot. It is blended with, {rocky road} ice cream and serves 12) He is currently living in a van down by the river with his wife Riane Scheskee.