Wikipedia:Peer review/These Are the Voyages.../archive1

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These Are the Voyages...[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to get comments of any kind on this article, the final episode of Star Trek: Enterprise. I haven't done many television episodes so something may be missing, I dunno, just whatever issues you have, tell me :) Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs (talk) 21:10, 16 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments Generally interesting article but needs some work, mostly on polishing language and providing context to the reader, to make it even better and FA worthy. Suggestions follow (with the caveat that I do not write television articles and so may be ignorant of style there):

  • Watch tense - this is an episode that aired in 2005, so it seems as if it should be described using past tense. I understand plot is described in the presnt tense, but in the first paragraph of the lead the episode is described using present tense in the first sentence (is) then past in the second sentence (was ... aired) - it seems like the first two sentences should be the same tense.
  • Given the complicated chronology of the episode, I think there needs to be more care paid to explaining the background and internal chronology. My understanding from reading the article is that this is a series about the first starship Enterprise set in the 22nd century, while The Next Generation is about a much later Enterprise in the 24th century (and the Kirk / Spock / McCoy Enterpise is between these in the 23rd century). Furthermore, this episode takes place 6 years later than the rest of the Enterprise series - while the article makes clear that the episode is framed by incidents within the TNG episode, it needs to make the rest clearer earlier in the article - probably in the plot section.
  • The second paragraph of the lead seems more like it belongs in the body of the article - I could not find this repeated in the article With no new Star Trek episodes in the fall of 2005, the 2005–2006 season was the first year without a first-run Star Trek in 18 years. - the lead should not be the only place for something.
  • Also the "valentine" in this paragraph is a direct quote and so per WP:MOSQUOTE and WP:LEAD shopuld have a ref.
  • Awkward sentence Critics and cast alike were disappointed that the Next Generation frame robbed the characters and their fans [of] closure, and that the death of Trip Tucker was forced and unnecessary. Missing "of" and the last phrase is odd - sounds like the cast and fans were disappointed that the death of Trip was forced and unnecessary. Perhaps ... closure, and felt that the death of Trip.. would be better?
  • The first sentence of plot is also a bot awkward - would it help to mention the New Generation is 24th century? Also might it help to split the sentence into two?
  • The second paragraph of plot needs to make it clearer that this is back in the 22nd century / first Enterprise.
  • Watch overlinking - Archer is linked twice in the plot section, for example
  • When I read an article I often look at the photos first, before reading the article itself. I think the captions could better identify the people in them - for example adding "Producer" to Brannon Braga called "These Are the Voyages..." a "valentine" to Star Trek fans. Or this is ungrammatical and needs more context: Jolene Blalock highly criticized the series finale. could perhaps be something like Jolene Blalock, who played T'Pol, was highly critical of the series finale.
  • Or Actor Connor Trinneer said during a convention appearance that the character ... does not make clear this is the actor who protrayed Trip Tucker.
  • I pointed out several rough spots - there are others that would benefit from a copyedit or at least printing this out and reading it out loud slowly.

I think all that is needed for a FA is here, just needs the language polished, better context in places, and a bit better organization in spots. Hope this helps, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 03:03, 25 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Question from Natural Cut: Is it Enterprise or "the" Enterprise? Natural Cut (talk) 00:23, 8 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I have another comment now. The link I typed in while leaving a comment on your talk page was broken, so I redirected it to These Are the Voyages... but noticed the page lists the title as having "the" capitalized, the way I had typed it in. It should be standard across the article. Natural Cut (talk) 00:30, 8 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Sorry I haven't seen this. It's referenced as the Enterprise and Enterprise interchangeably, depending on who talks about it; according to Protonk it's just a variable usage. As to the name, I will check what the official title is on StarTrek.com and rename if necessary. Thanks --Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs (talk) 02:46, 8 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]
No worries at all, I left the talk page note in case you'd forgotten about the peer review page was all. Anyway as long as we choose one way to refer to (the) Enterprise it should be fine in that case. I had intended to go through and copyedit the article tonight, but I got distracted with Uhura and ended up doing an overhaul on her article... Wikipedia is such a timesink. :-) Natural Cut (talk) 03:49, 8 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]
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