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For God's sake,start a fan blog for Mike Parry somewhere else if you enjoy seeing your "hilarious" writings up on the net so much. |
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Mike suffered health problems after getting a heart infection, and was awaiting a [[heart transplant]] in [[September 2004|September]] [[2004]]. [http://www.talksport.net/content/10681.chtml] His health has subsequently improved through a combination of successful drug treatment and living a healthy lifestyle. |
Mike suffered health problems after getting a heart infection, and was awaiting a [[heart transplant]] in [[September 2004|September]] [[2004]]. [http://www.talksport.net/content/10681.chtml] His health has subsequently improved through a combination of successful drug treatment and living a healthy lifestyle. |
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He originally co-presented the Sports Breakfast with [[Alan Brazil]], but after the onset of his health problems, has been replaced by [[Graham Beecroft]]. As Mike's health improved he gained his doctor's permission to co-present The Game with [[Paul Breen-Turner]] and subsequently the weekday morning show with [[Ian Collins]]. He currently presents the weekend breakfast show with former footballer [[Andy Townsend]]. |
He originally co-presented the Sports Breakfast with [[Alan Brazil]], but after the onset of his health problems, has been replaced by [[Graham Beecroft]]. As Mike's health improved he gained his doctor's permission to co-present The Game with [[Paul Breen-Turner]] and subsequently the weekday morning show with [[Ian Collins]]. He currently presents the weekend breakfast show with former footballer [[Andy Townsend]]. |
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One of the first programmes on which he gained notoriety, was prior to [[The Championships, Wimbledon|Wimbledon]], where he claimed that he would swim the [[English Channel|Channel]] if [[Tim Henman]] won Wimbledon; however, Henman was knocked out of the competition. |
One of the first programmes on which he gained notoriety, was prior to [[The Championships, Wimbledon|Wimbledon]], where he claimed that he would swim the [[English Channel|Channel]] if [[Tim Henman]] won Wimbledon; however, Henman was knocked out of the competition. |
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==Sporting Parryisms== |
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==Athletics== |
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Mike also claimed that it would only be a matter of time before a man runs the 100 m in under a second (now playing as a TalkSport clip for the Breakfast Show). |
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[[10 September]] 7 - Parry confirmed his belief on the 1 second 100 metre run after [[Asafa Powell]] shaved 3/100ths of a second of his own world record. To boot, Parry suggested that in the next 3000 years athlete's leg will be made of rubber. |
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Mike demanded the removal of the pole from the sport due to the recent record breaking exploits of female vaulter [[Yelena Isinbayeva]] who seemed able to break the world record at every athletics meeting. When it was put to Mike that this would mean changing the very name of the sport - probably to the [[High Jump]] - he said that he didn't have a problem with that. |
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It was Porky's recommendation that the sandpit be removed from the end of the long jump run-up and replaced with a ditch filled with [[butter]] - the imprint of an athlete's back side in the butter would be much easier to detect and measure. |
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==Archery== |
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December 07 - Mr Parry revealed that archery is the simplest sport in the world because all you have to do is aim at the centre of the target to win a prize every time. |
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==Basketball== |
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Mike opined that due to the average height of American's shooting up by over an inch a decade, the baskets be moved from 10 feet high to a new height of 75 feet. Mike suggested that teams should have the option going into a game of swapping a team member for a 90-foot [[ladder]] which could be attached to the oppositions' basket. In turn, the opposition could opt, via a new rule, to swap a recognised player for a welder in full face mask who could, throughout the course of the game, reduce the ladder's size by a rung at a time thus rendering it of less and less use. The game would have to be played around and about the welder - with all players giving the white hot flames from the torch a wide berth. Mike advised that if the ball touched the flames and burst then play should continue with a [[cricket ball]] which would be impervious to contact with such heat. |
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==Boxing== |
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Boxing rings should be increased in size to 2 miles square - giving the pugilists a chance to escape and recoup strength while the opponent tracks him down looking for the knock-out punch. A phone booth could be included in the ring from which the boxer could ring his trainer for advice. |
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December 2007 |
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Mike said that in 9 fights out of 10 Ricky Hatton would beat ex-tennis star Ivan Lendl in a 3 round slugfest. However, Porky added that Lendl, in his prime, would have had the edge in a best of 3 sets game of tennis against the Manchester Hitman whose tennis skills are by and large unknown. |
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==Cricket== |
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On the [[29 July]] [[2007]], Mike suggested that as of next season all English County Cricket be played in [[Australia]] because of the number of postponed games due to this years freakish weather conditions. As usual with all of Mikes ideas this drew great derision from [[Andy Townsend]]. Listeners to the show and even ex-England international, [[Gus Fraser]], rang in to lampoon the [[Welsh people|Welsh]] numpty. |
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December 2007 - It is Mike's opinion that cricket could be improved if it became slightly football-ised - by sticking a full size football goal somewhere on the boundary which if the batsman strikes the ball into is awared 50 runs to the batting teams. However, the fielding team can stick one of their outfield players to effectively keep goal wearing goalkeeper gloves underneath wicketkeeper gloves. |
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==Darts== |
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July 2007, the latest brainwave from Porky was that music should be introduced to the darts arena. Every time a dart hits a sector of the board an appropriate song would be started. For example, a dart landing in the 19 area would instigate a blast of Paul Hardcastle's 80's hit 'Nineteen'. The song would play until the next dart hits the board. If that dart hits the 17, it would promote a rendition of Heaven's 17's song 'Temptation' and a 1 with the next dart would start up a blast of U2's 1991 chart-topper 'One'. A dart dropped on the floor via a player's shoe would sound The Young One's Neil's 'There's a Hole in My Shoe and it's letting in Water' and a dart that didn't hit the board would prompt Everything But the Girl's 90's smash 'Missing'. When asked if this might prove annoying very quickly Parry said that 'Yes, it probably would'. |
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October 2007 |
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Mike suggested that darts might be more competitive if the players had to stand at the far-most wall of the venue and rather than throwing the dart have to blow it out of a hollowed pint glass a la an Amazonian blow-pipe. This radical change in technique would prevent Phil 'The Power' Taylor and Ray van Barneveld winning every major PDC championship. |
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==Football== |
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Parry believes a goal keeper should face backwards during a penalty kick. |
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10-foot high football goalposts should be introduced based on Mike's premise that the average human male will be over 7-feet tall by the year 2050, thanks to healthy [[diet]] and improvements in medicine. |
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Football teams should implement the idea of double decker football defensive walls at freekicks ie. another layer of defenders sitting atop the first layer |
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Mike believes that corners are better than penalties in terms of converting set-pieces to goals. |
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Yet, somewhat ironically, Mike eschews the use of goal-line "magic eye" technology (as is actually being implemented) as too much techno-overkill. |
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Believes the first million pound a week footballer is currently playing professional football somewhere in the [[world]], and suggested that [[Lionel Messi]] could be that player. |
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Mike believes that if an [[animal]], [[bird]], [[insect]] or [[worm]] is found on the pitch and rescued by a player - the player's team should be awarded a set piece from where the beast is found and rescued: ie, a worm found in the opposition penalty box by [[Ryan Giggs]] awards United a penalty, |
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a [[pigeon]] picked up on the sidelines by [[Steven Gerrard]] awards [[Liverpool F.C.|Liverpool]] a throw in, |
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a [[squirrel]] found in the centre circle by [[Gareth Barry]] awards [[Aston Villa F.C.|Aston Villa]] a free-kick. |
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Things are made more complicated if, for instance, [[Tim Cahill]] picks up a woodlouse and then drops it to its death. In this instance [[Everton F.C.|Everton ]] are not awarded a freekick but a dropball is given by the referee. Also, should [[Dimitar Berbatov]] save a [[spider]] from being trampled to death in the penalty area no award should be given to Tottenham as Mike doesn't like arachnids. |
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After his three penalty saves in the 2007/8 [[Charity Shield]], [[Edwin van der Saar]] should be buried in a deep hole (with only his hands above ground level) parallel with the goal line for all future penalties he faces, thus increasing the chances of the penalty taker to score. |
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Based on his fictional performance in [[Escape to Victory]], Porky believes that [[Sylvester Stallone]] is the best goalkeeper in the history of the game - despite the fact that he never was a goalkeeper, and has never played the game. |
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On the [[13 August]] [[2007]] Mike called [[Manchester United F.C.|Manchester United]] and [[England national football team|England]] forward, [[Wayne Rooney]], 'a serial bone-snapper'. |
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[[10 September]] - Mr Michael Parry aka the Welsh ginger numpty, advised that the England national team's two fixtures against Israel and Russia should be considered as one game of four quarters worth six points rather than two games of two halves worth three points a go. When he asked [[Alan Brazil]] if he understood what he meant, Brazil, speaking for the entire nation, replied, 'No, not a clue'. |
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23 November 2007 - In the light of the sacking of Steve McLaren Mike declared that the next England manager should not be Jose Mourinho, Fabio Capello or Martin O'Neill but a Polar Bear whose aggression and violence towards mankind, Mike suggested, could be translated into team motivational skills. |
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[[1 December]] - Mike revealed his opinion that [[Sir Stanley Matthews]] was nothing more than an average player who was only well known for playing until he was 50 years old. |
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[[3 December]] - In Mike's opinion Robbie Savage should, because of his big flouncy hair, be called Shirley. Or Sally. |
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(Date Unknown) - Mike suggested that there should be an automatic centre spot ball return mechanism in the goal nets (a bit like ten pin bowling ball) after there was that fracas between the Arsenal defenders and Nicholas Anelka when he'd just scored to make it 2-1 with minutes to go at Highbury and the Arsenal defenders refused to let him retrieve the ball from the net and get back on with the game. |
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[[8 January]] 8 - Despite being knocked out of the FA Cup by Division 1 side Oldham, Everton could still win the cup this season if Oldam are proven to have broken any of the FA rules or legislation thus allowing the Toffeemen to be reinstated. Mike determined to look through the rulebook for the rest of the week to see if he could catch the Latics out in any way. The reason for this stance later became clear when it was revealed by Alan Brazil that Porky had bet £1,000 on Everton to win the cup. |
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[[8 January]] 8 - Mike said that Everton have the best record of any club in the history of the FA Cup - despite the fact that they haven't. Mike said it 'depended on how you look at things'. |
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[[18 January]] 8 - On Kevin Keegan's return to Newcastle United FC Mike said the fans of the club were 'expecting the Messiah to try his best to recreate the success he didn't create in the first place in the mid-90s.' |
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[[1 February]] 8 - After Ronaldo's recent blockbusing freekick against Portmsouth Mike was disagreed with the view that it was the best ever by declaring that he had scored a superior effort against several of his nephews a few years ago. |
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==Football Officialdom== |
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Two football referees, one in each half of the pitch. |
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Four linesmen, two for each half of the pitch.....on motorised walkways... |
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linesmen to be placed behind the goals at a penalty and to run up and down the width of the pitch waving a large black & white chequered flag in the event of a goal being scored. |
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The referee to dispense with a whistle and to employ an electronic "organ sounding-like" device that is amplified around the ground to overcome crowd noise generated by ever expanding stadium capacity. |
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Refs should all be at least 6'2" tall, and be of a military or [[police]] background. This is required to keep the modern day millionaire football in line. |
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Refs should be allowed to dig themselves a trench on the halfway line at any ground during periods when the ball is out of play. If the ref ie, Mark Clattenburg, manages to dig to a depth of 20 feet or more he gets the three points rather than either of the teams playing. |
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==Formula 1== |
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[[F1]] cars should not be able to travel faster than 70 mph to mirror the conditions facing every day drivers on normal roads. Any driver caught transgressing the speed limit should be removed from the track by a bulldozer in the shape of a Mobile Police Camera Unit. |
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On the [[23 July]] [[2007]] Mike suggested that F1 cars should come complete with ejector seat a la [[James Bond]]'s [[Lotus Esprit]] in [[The Spy Who Loved Me]]. He refused to accept any notion that this could prove more dangerous to a crashing driver than a crash itself. |
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==Golf== |
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[[Golf balls]] should be filled with high-calorie [[sweets]] in case a golfer becomes lost on a course and stranded over night. The ball could be opened with a [[tin opener]] which would become compulsory part of all golfing kit sold in the future. The opener could also be used dig out [[worms]] from the[[mud]] if the golfer remains lost without food for more than 12 hours. |
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In keeping with the avian theme of shots under par, one over par should no longer be called a bogey but a woodpecker, two over should be a carrion crow, three over a Jack Snipe and anything worse a Red Breasted Merganser. |
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On the [[22 July]] [[2007]], Mike suggested that a fleet of double decker [[buses]] should carry spectators around the [[British Open]]: the spectators being on the upper deck, with refreshments available in the lower deck. |
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==Gymnastics== |
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Mr Parry advised that if swans could be taught to use the pommel horse one would be gymastic Olympic champion in the next twenty years thanks to their athletic legs and expansive wings. |
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[[3 January]] 8 - Mike said that the winning gymnast should always be the one who can jump the highest. Automatic gold medals should be given to any competitor who manages to vault so high that (s)he manages to cling onto the roof. |
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==Hockey== |
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Mike suggests that the sport might prove more popular with [[television]] audiences if the game was played with [[chopsticks]] rather than hockey sticks. |
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==Horse Racing== |
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Roving [[helicopter]]s with adjustable grabs to whisk riderless race horses up and away from those remaining racing nags with riders. |
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[[Weather]] altering stations around the hills at [[Cheltenham]] to control the weather during the [[Cheltenham]] Festival. |
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Using fast acting tranquilisers stored in jockey's boots to be injected in to the horse if it becomes apparent that the horse in question will be unable to make an upcoming fence. The timing of this would have to be accurate to within milliseconds. |
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Horses should be fitted with [[wing mirror]]s - both on and away from the track. |
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Horses should be fitted with indicators on their flanks and a brake light that would hang from their glossy tail |
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Horses should be swapped with [[cows]] when the going is particularly bad - cows being better over the jumps in unpleasant weather. It would be cheaper for the sponsors too because the winning jockey could have a free pint of [[milk]] from the udders of the race winner opposed to an expensive bottle of [[Champagne (wine)|champagne]] as is currently [[tradition]]. |
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Horses should have their names painted with indelible ink onto their flanks to make it easier for commentators and the betting crowd to see which is their horse. In particularly crowded races, each horse should trail a [[scarf]] behind it from its tail with its name and betting odds on. |
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November 07 - Instead of nailing horse shoes on to horses' hooves for advertising purposes it would be more profitable for racing and more comfortable for the horses if they were modified sports shoes instead. This would allow global giants like adidas and Nike to enter into the horse racing fraternity and provide extra monies for the sport. Mike did say on the downside it might allow an element of espionage to enter into racing if a dastardly rival tied the laces of all the shoes together while the horses were in the stalls. |
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==Judo== |
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After no apparent deliberation whatsoever Mike declared that Judo is just like table-tennis without the bats, ball and table. No actual similarity between the two was ever declared. |
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==Pigeon Racing== |
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20 January 2008 |
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Mike suggested to make pigeon racing attractive to the middle classes pigeons should be painted different colours, be endorsed with advertised slogans on their wings and land on their owners' heads at the finishing line of each race. |
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He also thinks that people should be able to charter a small aircraft from a nearby air field and fly along side the birds to make it more exciting. |
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==Rugby League== |
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In order to boost the popularity of the sport each team should have in its starting line up one of its nicknamed creatures, ie [[Leeds]] should have a rhino, [[Bradford]] a bull, Catalans a dragon and so on. There were so many flaws in this idea that even Porky gave up on it by the end of the show's four hour run. |
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February 2008 - Mike advised that players should be allowed to wear skis if they so desire |
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==Rugby Union== |
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[[September 7]] |
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Mike opined that due to his superior intelligence he would be able to beat Jason Robinson in race over 100 metres despite Robinson's ability to cover the distance in 10.8 seconds while Mike's best time over the same being 16 seconds flat - some thirty-five years ago. |
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[[October 7]] |
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During England's unlikely and inexorable run to the Rugby Union World Cup Final of 2007, Mike Parry, based in Paris and clearly thriving in the continental atmosphere, admitted he was thinking of having his head reshaped to mirror the dimensions of a rugby ball. |
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==Skiing== |
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October 2007 |
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Mike says that skiing would be better as a spectator sport if the participants didn't have to wear skis but their ski boots came complete with 5 gear transmission, accelerator and brake, and indicator lights. |
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==Snooker== |
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June '07 In Mike's opinion snooker players should be given the option to try and head in a pot instead of using the cue. Points would be doubled (ie 2 pts for a headed red, 4 for a yellow etc) for each successful header. Gaps between frame could be extended to a statutory three minutes to give medics the time to repair bruised foreheads, broken noses and to remedy concussion. |
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December '07 - Mike advised that if the living-dead were exhumed and decided to take up snooker their nerveless bodies would allow them to take an ice-cold approach to the game that would result in current players like, O'Sullivan, Hendry and Williams being thrashed in every tournament. |
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17 December '07 - Parry believes that after his nerveless 147 and final thrashing of Steven Maguire that Ronnie O'Sullivan is, in fact, a member of the living-dead. |
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==Table Tennis== |
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See Judo. |
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==Tennis== |
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[[Roger Federer]] should play his 2008 matches at [[The Championships, Wimbledon|Wimbledon]] with a table tennis bat - opposed to the full-sized tennis racket of his adversary - to conclusively prove that he's a better player on grass than [[Bjorn Borg]]. |
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November 07 - Mike said that due to her massive strength Serena Williams could light more matches than any man in the UK, possibly the world |
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==Ten Pin Bowling== |
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December 07 - Ten Pin Bowling would be much more competitive if players had to bowl down ten lanes simultaneously. This could be achieved, insisted Mr Parry, if the bowlers could fire ten balls all at once from a device made of specially constructed elastic bands which would be situated at the back of the alleyway, next to the bar so you didn't have to go to far for refreshments. |
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==Parry On Society, Anatomy & the Human Condition== |
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i.) Mike believes that in the future, all men will need to wear magneto-style helmets as we will be able to read each others' minds. |
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ii.) The Porkmeister General suggested that [[shoe]] shops will eventually go out of business because humans are evolving thicker skin on their soles on their [[Foot|feet]] - like [[Tarzan]] did in 'that film'. |
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iii.) It is entirely conceivable to Mike that [[camel]]s will be used for drug trafficking. Smugglers, he revealed, will store their drugs inside the camel's humps making it undetectable to scanning equipment. When a caller asked had Mike ever seen a camel getting on to, or off, an [[aeroplane]] he promptly moved on to the next caller. |
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iv.) Mike believes humans will grow an extra forefinger and thumb on each hand in order to be able to control computers, keyboards and remote controls that are becoming more numerous with each passing year. He believes that signs of these extra digits will already be evident by the end of 2009. |
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v.) When talking about growing violent crimes in the [[UK]], Mike revealed that such [[criminal]]s should be rounded up and made to live in a swimming pool in [[Tenby]]. |
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vi.) [[8 August]] 7 - Mike advises that he doesn't mind spending his [[council tax]] on rescuing [[ducks]]. |
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vii.) [[15 August]] 7 - Mr Parry declared that the [[women]] in the listening [[talkSPORT]] audience find him 'mysterious'. |
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viii.) [[9 November]] 7 - Mike declared that people who walk around listening to ipods are 'empty headed dimwits' |
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ix.) [[11 November]] 7 - To prevent Global Warming Mike persisted with the argument that we should revert to steam trains and preserve the Earths natural resources. Mike reasoned that this is a good idea because 'water is free'. Alan Brazil had to point out that steam trains are coal driven but Mike was far from convinced. |
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x.) [[4 January]] 2008 - Mike claimed that blood runs through your teeth. A caller claiming to be a dentist disagreed with this notion. Despite this, Mike remained convinced of this 'fact'. |
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xi.) [[23 January]] 2008 - In Mr Parry's considered opinion if the Devil could be seen on Earth today it would "look quite a bit like a crocodile, wear a red scarf, support Aston Villa and feast mainly on pies." |
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xii.) [[23 January]] 2008 - 'The human tongue', said Dr Michael Parry 'if fully unfurled is over two feet long and weighs more than the average Premiership footballer's kitbag'. |
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xiii.) January 2008 - When discussing coal powered station with breakfast show host Alan Brazil, they both agreed that such stations are actually probably powered by gas. |
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==The People On Parry == |
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1. [[6 August]] 7 - Mike Parry was advised that due to his attitudes to [[swearing]] in football (ie. he wants it stopping) he was a |
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'middle-class numpty' who should go to the meat markets in the morning to keep in touch with the real life of real football fans. |
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2. [[6 August]] 7 - Porky revealed that the last time he was in a football crowd rather than in the director's box someone shoved a [[meat pie]] in his face and a bottle of [[Champagne (wine)|champagne]] down his neck. He considered it merely the right of the individual to express themselves - which he's fervently in favour of. |
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3. [[12 November]] 7 - Alan Brazil measured Mike's arms this morning from underarm to fingertips and revealed that his limbs measure in at 14 inches a go. Jon Gaunt also carried out the same measurement and reckoned that Mike's upper limbs were closer to 13 inches each. |
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4. [[8 January]] 8 - Jon Gaunt said that Mike Parry is probably the most intelligent man on TalkSPORT. Mike immediately agreed with this citing his education at Nottingham Trent as the main reason for his success and the portfolio of properties this has bought him. |
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5. [[28 January]] 8 - Unofficial figures show that Mike Parry was called a numpty on a record 124 occasions during today's four-hour morning show, smashing the previous record by more than 20% - a record (that had stood had 88 "numptyings" for Mike) had been reckoned by most to be unassailable. |
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==Parry On Nature== |
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1. [[April 6]] - Mike believes that [[ants]] are likely to take control of the earth when all of human-kind jets off to live on [[Venus]]. |
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2. [[June 6]] - Parry advises that he is certain he has a better sense of smell than a [[bloodhound]] because he once smelt some licorice that had become lodged behind a radiator in his Surrey home. |
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3. [[January 7]] - Mike also suggested that if he was a [[bee]] he would be able to fly around peoples' gardens collecting nectar at more than 250mph due to his proposed supposed superior eye-to-wing co-ordination |
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4. [[June 7]] - It is Porky's absolute belief that [[giraffes]] are just [[snakes]] who have learned to walk on [[stilts]]. |
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5. [[July 7]] - Mike firmly believes that he is being stalked by several invisible [[cats]] |
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6. [[August 7]] - When posed the question why is the sky blue, Mike was adamant that it is because it's a reflection of the sea. Even over areas of land mass. |
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7. [[November 7]] - Expounding, for no particular reason, on the whys and wherefores of nature, Mike decided that rather than trying to preserve polar bears, we should sending be out hit teams to destroy the remaining number of the species. The reason being that unlike sharks, crocodiles and tigers, they are the only beast on the planet genetically predispoed to eating humans. Apparently, polar bears stick snow balls on their noses for camouflage reasons before striking. |
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8. [[January 8]] - Mr Parry revealed that he believes the invisible cats that stalk him are now living in his shed - which otherwise is empty apart from an old table with no legs - though sometimes they congregate in the communal but exclusive underground car park. |
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9 [[January 8]] - In Mike's opinion 'lions can never be considered the king of the beasts until they learn to use an umbrella properly'. |
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10. [[4 February]] 8 - Mike advised that tigers should be rocketed into space for a year at time. |
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==Parry On His Fellow Movers & Shakers== |
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i. Mike advises that if he could host a dinner party with guests invited from across the globe and across time he would choose: ex-Everton midfielder [[Stuart McCall]], ex-Everton manager[[Howard Kendall]], ex-Everton winger [[Trevor Steven]], current Everton manager [[David Moyes]], a woman, dead record-breaking expert [[Norris McWhirter]] and dead gameshow host [[Leslie Crowther]]. |
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ii. When asked the question who is the hardest man in Britain, Mike was positive in his answer: it had to be Geordie actor and singer and wearer of crocodile shoes, [[Jimmy Nail]]. |
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iii. [[8 August]] 7 - In Mike's opinion [[Slash (musician)|Slash]] from [[Guns N' Roses]] should change his name to Uriah Nathaniel Rash in order to be taken more seriously by the music industry. |
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iv. [[15 August]] 7 - Mike queried whether [[David Beckham]] and [[LA Galaxy]]'s new aeroplane was fitted with surface to air missiles. Think about it...Mike clearly didn't. |
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v. Mike Parry says that Coronation Street's Liz McDonald (Played by [[Beverly Callard]]) is the most desirable woman in the world. |
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vi [[September 7]] - Mike decided that Gordon Brown would make a surprisingly fearsome competitor in a game of Battleships, though he was confident he could 'hammer him' in an arm-wrestling bout. |
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vii. Mike revealed to startled listeners across the UK and beyond that [[David Beckam]] has enough [[money]] to enable him to live until he is 872. |
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viii. [[December 07]] - Mike admitted his annoyance in seeing see Jim McDonald return to Coronation Street in the winter of 2007 - and admitted he felt physically threatened by the big Irishman's reappearance on his television screen. Nevertheless, he would agree to a duel to the death in order to win the hand of the fair maiden that is Liz McDonald. |
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25th January 08 - Mike told a story of how a man who was high on LSD thought he was a orange and peeled his own skin off. Mike went into detail about all the blood coming out and other gory details, fellow presenter Andy Townsend was not sure wether to believe him or not. |
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==Parry on the UK== |
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July 7 - It is Mr Parry's considered opinion that one day London will have expanded so far that the only other city in the whole of the UK will be Inverness. Or Aberdeen. Possibly. |
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[[13 August]] 7 - Parry considers the British seaside resort of [[Tenby]], 'a dump'. |
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[[14 August]] 7 - Mike thinks that all [[postcodes]] should be banned. |
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[[12 November]] 7 - It is Mr Parry's opinion that residents of Norwich and surrounding environs 'enjoy' a poor reputation in the UK as vagabonds, carrot-crunchers and murderers. |
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[[18 November]] 7 - Mike declared that all Englishmen and women should walk around chanting 'Three Lions on my Shirt' until the day of the Croatia match,no matter how stupid they look. |
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21 December 07 - Mike argued fervently that the Christmas and New Year celebration should last only a couple of days rather than the week to ten days many people in the UK enjoy. To do this Mike notioned that two of the days between Christmas and New Year be removed and added on to the end of February so that it was more in accordance with the rest of the months of the year. This chopping of the days in December would mean people would have less time to enjoy themselves and be back to work sooner to ensure the growth of the UK economy. A ramification of this meant that New Year's Day would now fall on the December 29th instead of the 1st Jan and that people born on the 29th,30th and 31st December would no longer have a birthday. When challenged on this Mike said it was a small price to pay for the well being of the country and that people in a hundred years time would be thankful of it. |
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==Parry on Europe== |
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[[10 January]] 8 - Mike said categorically that [[Albania]] simply does not exist and never could |
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==Parry On Literature and the Arts== |
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[[28 January]] 8 - According to Mike, Shakespeare's finest work, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, was actually set in Scotland. |
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[[28 January]] 8 - According to Mike, Shakespeare's tragic hero, Macbeth, had he been alive today, would probably be a speedy Aberdonian winger with one too many tricks for most opposition full-backs. |
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==Parry On Parry== |
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On the [[16 July]] [[2007]] Mike stunned the 750,000 strong listening audience when he revealed that in his youth it was scientifically proven that he had reactions faster than the [[speed of light]]. Despite this, he declined a career in sport, describing all sportsmen as 'vacuous' and preferring to succeed in a career that would challenge his brain ie. talking [[nonsense]] on national radio. |
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[[13 August]] [[2007]] Mike confessed to stealing the [[FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] match tickets of a fan who had been smashed around the face by a tear gas canister. |
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In the same period of on-air confession he admitted, during his reporting days, to sneaking in to see [[Peter Sellers]] on his literal death bed - gaining access by virtue of his less than virtuous donning of doctors garb to get a glimpse of the dying [[Pink Panther]] star. |
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[[15 August]] 7 - When discussing the best areas of the country to live in, Mike finally admitted what was already common knowledege 'I don't know what I'm talking about'. |
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[[17 August]] 7 - When discussing the best and worst British landmarks, Mike told how he believed [[Stone Henge]] to have 'mystical'powers as on his last visit Mike had awoken face down about 300 yards away from the monument without having had an alcoholic drink all day. |
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[[20 August]] 7 - Mike advised that the people at the [[the Football Association|FA]] will never be able to seduce him with a [[plate]] of [[roast beef]]. |
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[[31 August]] 7 - It was revealed by Mike and [[Paul Hawksbee]] that the Porkmeister General has lots of little televisions in his house (like in a Bond's villain's lair) rather than a huge 60" set. |
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[[31 August]] 7 - Mike confessed to disliking pies with too little meat too much pastry. He prefers to make his own pies with lean mince and onions. He also admitted to liking fish fingers. |
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[[10 September]] 7 - Mike divulged that he once sat next to [[Benazir Bhutto]] on an aeroplane and offered her a bit of his Krunchy Fried Chicken that he had sneaked on board in his shoe. |
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(Date Unknown) - Mike claimed to be the first person ever to eat a [[MacDonalds]] 1/4er pounder in Russia on the day of the first store opening in Moscow. |
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This was later ([[October 7]]) substantiated by Richard Littlejohn who was with Parry at the time. Littlejohn went on to reveal that Mike ate several burgers and left the store, mysteriously, with a signed picture of The Beatles. |
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Mike advised that since he left Moscow the aforementioned McDonalds had been closed down but in between times the Big Mac became the unofficial currency of Moscow with burgers being swapped for cars. |
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[[24 September]] 7 - Parry let it known to the listening audience that he 'never touches his horn.' |
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[[27 September]] 7 - Parry advised - in reference to his forthcoming run/shuffle around the Great North Run 2007 that he has a dodgy left ankle - but he is prepared to superglue it together to ensure he makes it around the course. |
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[[1 October]] 7 - Mr Parry completed the Great North Run yesterday claiming various finishing times during his morning broadcast ranging from an unsubstantiated 1 hour 30 minutes to a more realistic 3 hours 45 minutes. He claimed that his feet didn't hurt but his shoulders did and that it was pleasant seeing lots of people dressed in tight-fitting lycra. He gave no preference at this point towards women or men. |
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[[8 October]] 7 - In light of England's forthcoming Rugby Union World Cup semi-final against France, Mike revealed his dastardly plan to upset the opposition. He intends to mingle in the crowd on the night dressed as a French tart and he will start taunting the French team with cries of 'sacres bleu' and 'achtung' whenever they're in possession of the ball. Mike believes he can encourage the rest of the French fans to join in and turn on their team until they are so dispirited that England will be guaranteed victory. Ole. |
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[[29 October]] 7 - Mike revealed that he was considering a career in espionage because in his youth he was keen on hiding in bushes and other people's lofts in order that he could listen to private conversations. Clearly he was destined to become a tabloid journalist from a young age. |
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[[30 October]] 7 - Mike suggested that all he needs to do to become a super athlete is to do nothing except eat cheese for a week. All the protein would, apparently, give him muscle density greater than Geoff Capes in his prime. |
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[[1 November]] 7 - Clearly a believer in life after death, Mike declared that he would be 'an Everton supporter 200 years after I've died'. |
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[[17 December]]7 - Mike admitted his Christmas was likely to consist of avoiding his brother-in-law who he hates and walking around a derelict golf course in Bournemouth with his Mum. |
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22 December 07 - Mike said that small people like him and Napoleon ruled the world while tall, gangly goons like Peter Crouch and Mick Harford didn't. |
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[[23 December 07 ]]Parry told his audience that rudolph the rednosed reindeer was not about christmas at all but was about bullying to which a listener wrote a version about mike himself. |
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"Porky the short armed welshman had a very tiny arm and if you ever saw him they'd be no money in his palm. |
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All of the Talksport presenters used to laugh and mock with glee, they used to call poor porky, a fat ginger welsh numptee". |
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[[21 January ]]8 - In deep discussion on the merits of the various takeaways to mankind - Mike revealed that his favourite five take outs in descending order are 1. Fish and Chips; 2. Chinese; 3. Indian; 4. Pizza and 5. Kebabs. Mike revealed to the listeners that he always has fish and chips at least twice a week and it's not uncommon for him to have takeaways four nights in a row. |
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25 January 08 - Mike Parry claimed that he has two different shoe sizes with his right foot being a size 10 and his left a mysterious size 9. |
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2 February 08 - Mike admitted that while he can see over the Himalayas he can't see a missile coming from outer space |
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Revision as of 22:58, 28 February 2008
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Mike Parry is co-host of the Weekend Sports Breakfast with Andy Townsend on talkSPORT.
Mike Parry was born in Chester in 1948.Mike went to the The King's School, Chester, and then Nottingham Trent University. After this he became a journalist, usually working for tabloid newspapers. He is an avid Everton and England fan.
Mike suffered health problems after getting a heart infection, and was awaiting a heart transplant in September 2004. [1] His health has subsequently improved through a combination of successful drug treatment and living a healthy lifestyle.
He originally co-presented the Sports Breakfast with Alan Brazil, but after the onset of his health problems, has been replaced by Graham Beecroft. As Mike's health improved he gained his doctor's permission to co-present The Game with Paul Breen-Turner and subsequently the weekday morning show with Ian Collins. He currently presents the weekend breakfast show with former footballer Andy Townsend.
One of the first programmes on which he gained notoriety, was prior to Wimbledon, where he claimed that he would swim the Channel if Tim Henman won Wimbledon; however, Henman was knocked out of the competition.