Dustin Satloff: Difference between revisions
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{{HP character |
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{{Orphan|date=February 2009}} |
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| name = Dustin Nathaniel Satloff |
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| image = [[Image:Falling hare2 restored.jpg|thumb|300px|center|'''Satloff''' testing his patented ''SatBat'' on an unsuspecting rabbit.]] |
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| blood = |
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| species = Elf |
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| portrayer = |
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| voice = |
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| appearance = Boy entrepreneur |
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}} |
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==Early Life== |
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[[Image:Australian infantry small box respirators Ypres 1917.jpg|left|250px|thumb|upright|At age two, Dustin may have orchestrated one of the most horrific wars in history.]] |
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Dustin Satloff was the subject of controversy early in his life, when it emerged that for the first two years of his life he did not deny the claim that he had assassinated [[Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria]]. When confronted with these allegations, Dustin would simply blubber incoherently and crawl away. Indeed, the media have remained eerily quiet about the matter, leading to many leading [[conspiracy theorist]]s to claim that Dustin had planned all of [[World War I]], simply because he liked the sound of the word "''trench''" and wanted to hear it used more in day-to-day conversation. |
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==Early Success== |
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[[Image:BF Keith Memorial Theatre, Boston interior.JPG|thumb|400px|The famous ''Satloff vs. Vastnife'' tournament, shot on a high-speed camera. The blur near the center of the stage is Dustin speedily finishing up a triple-score hip replacement, though the players were moving too fast to photograph. The seats are empty because nobody was watching.]] |
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===Hit Musicals=== |
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'''Dustin Satloff''' began his career as an award-winning writer and composer. He gained fame with his productions of the hit musicals "Satloff'll take your hat off," "Dustin-you can trust 'im," and "The boy entrepreneur of whom you can ''all'' be sure." When asked what he attributed to his success, he replied, "These titles rhyme, so they've gotta be pretty cool. |
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===Sports Career=== |
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Satloff also gained fame when he narrowly lost to Russian [[Ivan Vastnife]] in the [[2008 World Speed Surgury Championships]], losing at the team double-appendectamy and solo liposuction. This was due to Dustin stating during a skillful stent bypass operation that he was "on fire," which made Zeus think that Satloff had stolen fire from the gods. The famous Greek god, now a bit senile, called down a vulture to eat out Dustin's liver, in what could only be a case of flagrant fan interference. However, Dustin claims that this gave him the inspiration to come up with the idea to build bamboo bats to whack nearby badgers. |
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==Early Life== |
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===Education=== |
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Dustin attended The [[Hogwarts]] School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as a child, when early on he was mistaken as a [[house elf]] and taken to test poisons in the school dungeon. When it was discovered that Dustin was in fact an abnormal human child, the school reluctantly took him in as a student; Dustin had contracted [[indentity displacement disorder]] and thought that he was in fact an elf, refusing to leave the school until he had been given a dirty sock (even today, Dustin is known to steal socks from children and wear them on his head). As a student, Dustin earned straight-O grades, due to the fact that while incoherent babbling, Dustin inadverntantly uttered the spell "Mutocraniolus," exchanging his brain with that of a monkey's. As a result, Dustin's grades improved, and the monkey went on to run for president. |
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===Rule of Satloffia=== |
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For a period in [[2006]], Dustin put his head inside of a carboard box and pretended he was the ruler of [[Satloffia]], a mythical nation in the fantasy world of [[Narnia]]. At first, Satoff was known as a benevolent ruler and founder of Satloffia, despite the numberous wars he launched against harmless magical woodland creatures, because he "wanted a pet unicorn" and "didn't like spiders." Despite the fact that unicorns did not exist in [[Satloffia]], Dustin would launch numberous bloody and merciless purges of the forest, eventually becoming an iron-fisted tyrant and ruling until he accidentally fell down the stairs with the cardboard box on his head and bruised his knee. |
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[[Image:Bastille 2007-05-06 anti Sarkozy 487645695 abe4befd12 o.jpg|200px|left|thumb|'''Dustin's''' unconventional Presidential campaign saw early success]] |
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===Hole to the Moon=== |
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In 2005, Dustin procured a [[high-powered industrial cavitation drill]] and used it to begin drilling in Northern Canada, to "drill a hole to the moon." Despite the protests by his friends and family, Dustin insisted that his plan would work, saying, "It's pretty obvious to any geo-astrologist. If you have enough momentum, the trajectory of a heavy-weight object through the space-time continuum should be carried, by my estimates, over 10,000 light years. NASA's got it all wrong." When asked why he had undertaken the venture, Dustin replied, "I really like cheese, so I'm sure I would enjoy space-cheese!" However, the U.S. government became aware of Dustin's project, and, to protect its monopoply of moon-cheese, the government deported Dustin to the [[African savannah]], where he was mistaken for a lion cub and taken in by a pride of lions. When Dustin was rescued in [[2004]] by the Zimbabwean government, he had reverted to the cognitive level of a five-year old lion cub. |
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===2005 Presidential Campaign=== |
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After losing the championships, Dustin launched a little-known presidential campaign, using the famous slogans "Vote Dusty-it's a musty," "If you like cats, Vote for my bats," and "Vote for Dustin, or you'll never see your family again." Using unconventional tactics, such as force and coercion, Dustin gained widespread support, but then realized that he had run his campaign in the wrong year. Nonetheless, Dustin maintains high hopes for the future and says he plans on "Being a astronaut-president, or maybe having a pony." |
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==Later Life== |
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{{Infobox Person |
{{Infobox Person |
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| image = [[Image:Panda1.jpg|center|250px|thumb]] |
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| image = Replace this image male.svg <!-- Only freely-licensed images may be used to depict living people. See [[WP:NONFREE]]. --> |
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| |
| imagesize = |
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| name = Dustin Nathaniel Satloff |
| name = Dustin Nathaniel Satloff |
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| caption = |
| caption = '''Satloph, the protector of bamboo''' |
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| birth_date = {{birth year and age|1993}} |
| birth_date = {{birth year and age|1993}} |
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| birth_place = |
| birth_place = Olympus |
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| nationality = |
| nationality = Olympian |
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| known_for = |
| known_for = Nymph |
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| occupation = [[Student]] |
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}} |
}} |
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'''Dustin Satloff''' (born [[1993]]) is an [[United States|American]] boy [[entrepreneur]]. |
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===Satloph Controversy=== |
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==Biography== |
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Dustin Satloff was born in 1993 in [[New York City]] and received his first patent at the age of 10.<ref>{{cite news| last =Riordan| first =Teresa| coauthors =| title =Patents; Youngsters are seeking patents for their ideas, from toys to software that harnesses brain waves| work =| pages =| language =| publisher =The New York Times| date =[[2007-02-16]]| url =http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C06EED7163DF935A25751C0A9629C8B63| accessdate =2007-11-16}}</ref> The patent (6688973) is a system for using trading cards interactively.<ref>{{cite web| last =| first =| authorlink =| coauthors =| title =United States Patent: 6688973| work =| publisher =U.S. Patent & Trademark Office| date =[[2004-02-10]]| url =http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?u=%2Fnetahtml%2Fsrchnum.htm&Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&p=1&r=1&l=50&f=G&d=PALL&s1=6688973.PN.&OS=PN/6688973&RS=PN/6688973| format =| doi =| accessdate =2007-11-16}}</ref> This was the start of Satloff's entrepreneurial career, and at age 13, he founded a company that produces and sells bamboo baseball bats.<ref name=NYT2007>{{cite news| last =Mallozzi| first =Vincent M| coauthors =| title =Junior Achievement on a Major League Scale | work =| pages =| language =| publisher =The New York Times| date =[[2007-04-22]]| url =http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/22/sports/baseball/22cheer.html?_r=1&n=Top/Reference/Times%20Topics/Subjects/C/Collectors%20and%20Collections&oref=slogin| accessdate =2007-11-16}}</ref> He has appeared in the [[New York Times]], on [[National Public Radio]], and other programs.<ref>{{cite news| last =| first =| coauthors =| title =New York City Teen Turns CEO| work =| pages =| language =| publisher =NPR| date =[[2007-04-28]]| url =http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9896333| accessdate =2007-11-16}}</ref><ref>{{cite news| last =Brudevold-Newman| first =Ben| coauthors =| title =Metal vs. Wood: Baseball Bat Battle Brews| work =| pages =| language =| publisher =ABC News| date =[[2007-04-02]]| url =http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=2996480&page=1| accessdate =2007-11-16}}</ref><ref>{{cite news| last =Simon| first =Scott| coauthors =| title =New York City Teen Turns CEO| work =| pages =| language =| publisher =National Public Radio| date =[[2007-04-28]]| url =http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9896333| accessdate =2008-05-08}}</ref><ref>{{cite news| last =| first =| coauthors =| title =BizKid$| work =Episode 12: Introducing Entrepreneurs| pages =| language =| publisher =Junior Achievement| date =| url =http://bizkids.com/| accessdate =2008-05-08}}</ref> Satloff, part of the class of 2011 at [[The Collegiate School]], [[Manhattan]], is actively running his business, SatBats.<ref name=NYT2007 /> In December 2006 Dustin received a design patent<ref>{{cite web| last =| first =| authorlink =| coauthors =| title =United States Patent: D560261 |work =| publisher =U.S. Patent & Trademark Office| date =[[2006-12-22]]| url =http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&d=PALL&p=1&u=%2Fnetahtml%2FPTO%2Fsrchnum.htm&r=1&f=G&l=50&s1=D560261.PN.&OS=PN/D560261&RS=PN/D560261|format =| doi =| accessdate =2008-05-08}}</ref> (D560,261) for a baseball bat made of two types of bamboo. |
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Later in his life, Dustin tried to file a patent for a cork golf club, but due to a typographical error he was mistaken for Dustin ''Satloph'' (Δυστιν Σαθθλοφ), the [[nymph]] protector of bamboo groves, the son of [[Zeus]] and Bamboozle. |
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As Greek myth states, Satloph was born of a wood nymph and was given the task of defending bamboo. However, the mischevous Satloph began to use the bamboo to thwack balls of cowhide, clearly disregarding Greek professional league rules. As punishment, [[Zeus]] zapped Satloph in the head with a crackly thunderbolt. Satloph devoloped retrograde amnesia as a result of this brain damage and took to thinking he was a panda, and thereafter guarded bamboo groves diligently. |
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Due to his resemblance to the Greek nymph, Dustin had a large monument built in his likeness at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, and remains venerated among Ancient Greeks to this day. |
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[[Image:Pompeii the last day 1.jpg|thumb|200px|left|A computer-generated depiction of the eruption of [[Mount Vesuvius|Vesuvius]]]] |
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===Pompeii Incident=== |
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Dustin was again embroiled in controversy when he was mistaken for Dustin ''Sattlof'', the little known first-century mayor of [[Pompeii]]. |
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Through evidence collected from Roman manuscripts and stone tablet sketches, archaeologists discovered that Sattlof was the primary cause of the [[Vesuvius]] eruption. Apparently, Sattof had known that the eruption would occur through prophesies given by the oracle at [[Delphi]] and a basic knowledge of plate tectonics. In order to prevent the occurence, however, Sattlof had climed to the summit of Vesuvius and began hurling in tons of gunpowder, coal, pitch, and [[Greek fire]], shouting, "Non me vinces! Ignis ignem delet!" roughly translated as "I'm not gonna let you beat me, volcano! You gotta fight fire with fire!" Ironically, the resulting explosion set off a chain reaction that caused the volcano to erupt its fiery contents over the city. |
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==The making of the Satbat== |
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Satbats are made through a simple but controversial reverse osmo-diffusion process. |
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* First, a young duckling is sprinkled with Dustin's patented [[fairy dust]] and the tears of endangered polar bear cubs. Once this duckling matures, it is slaughtered and fed to Dustin. |
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* Next, a regular brown [[bat]] is procured. This bat is clubbed to death with a bamboo [[baseball bat]]. This baseball bat is now ready to be sold. |
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==Controversy== |
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{{Infobox Person |
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| name = Dust In Satloff ("Dustin Satloff") |
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| image = |
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| caption = |
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| birth_date = approx. 5bya |
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| birth_place = Andromeda Galaxy, Satloff orbit |
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| nationality = Claimed by Dutch cosmonauts |
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| known_for = Predicted collision with solar system |
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| occupation = Dutch rover landed 1986 |
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}} |
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[[Image:Nuclear fireball.jpg|left|250px|thumb| Dustin, being stuck by a thermonuclear warhead. Luckily, he survived.]] |
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Dustin was again the subject of controversy when, at the age of two, five NASA SAM ([[Surface to air missile]]s) with nuclear [[210 HPWGP]] (210kt high-payload weapons-grade plutonium) missiles were fired directly into him. This was due to yet another typographical error; Dustin was mistaken for '''Dust in Satloff''', a.k.a. Dustin Satloff, the high-density nebulon dust mass orbiting the star ''Satloff'' in the [[Andromeda Galaxy]]. |
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(First observed in 1066, the mass was simply named "dust mass in the Satloff," and by 1900 the abbreviation "Dustin Satloff" was in use. Upon being explored by a Dutch rover, the dust mass was found to be headed on a [[trajectory orbit]] towards the solar system.) |
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The Dust mass was predicted to collide with the solar sytem, which is why NASA accidentally fired the nuclear ballistic missiles at Dustin. Of course, this in itself was not fatal, as Dustin's natural armadillo-like armored plating skin protected him from the massive 500 kiloton explosion. |
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==Recognition== |
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In 2007 Dustin received the '''Golden Bat''' award for his endeavors in the field of baseball-bat manufacturing. He made a stirring and eloquent victory speech that became a hallmark of baseball, when he received the award and said "YAAAAY!!" |
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==Memorable Quotes== |
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'''Quote One:''' |
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Anonymous: You Don't Have A Reason! |
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Dustin: Yes It Is! |
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'''Quote Two:''' |
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Anonymous: I'll shove the egg down your throat! |
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Dustin: Then he'd choke and die and never live again! |
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'''Quote Three:''' |
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Anonymous: "Dustin, You're So Stupid" |
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Dustin: "No I Don't!" |
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'''Quote Four:''' |
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Dustin: I have to admit that my cat is a genius |
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'''Quote Five:''' |
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Dustin: You know what's fun? 10. |
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'''"Quote Six:"''' |
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Anonymous: "Don't you think you're too young to be getting patents?" |
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Dustin: "You've gotta start somewhere." |
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==Published works== |
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''Business, Math, and Feta Cheese'' (2004) |
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''The Crawfish Have Eyes'' (2004) |
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''How to Solve 3+ Level Jigsaw Puzzles: An Illustrated Guide'' (2008) |
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''I'm Confused Too!: Basic Long Division Made Easy'' (2009) |
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==References== |
==References== |
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Revision as of 17:38, 28 April 2009
Early Life
Dustin Satloff was the subject of controversy early in his life, when it emerged that for the first two years of his life he did not deny the claim that he had assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. When confronted with these allegations, Dustin would simply blubber incoherently and crawl away. Indeed, the media have remained eerily quiet about the matter, leading to many leading conspiracy theorists to claim that Dustin had planned all of World War I, simply because he liked the sound of the word "trench" and wanted to hear it used more in day-to-day conversation.
Early Success
Hit Musicals
Dustin Satloff began his career as an award-winning writer and composer. He gained fame with his productions of the hit musicals "Satloff'll take your hat off," "Dustin-you can trust 'im," and "The boy entrepreneur of whom you can all be sure." When asked what he attributed to his success, he replied, "These titles rhyme, so they've gotta be pretty cool.
Sports Career
Satloff also gained fame when he narrowly lost to Russian Ivan Vastnife in the 2008 World Speed Surgury Championships, losing at the team double-appendectamy and solo liposuction. This was due to Dustin stating during a skillful stent bypass operation that he was "on fire," which made Zeus think that Satloff had stolen fire from the gods. The famous Greek god, now a bit senile, called down a vulture to eat out Dustin's liver, in what could only be a case of flagrant fan interference. However, Dustin claims that this gave him the inspiration to come up with the idea to build bamboo bats to whack nearby badgers.
Early Life
Education
Dustin attended The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as a child, when early on he was mistaken as a house elf and taken to test poisons in the school dungeon. When it was discovered that Dustin was in fact an abnormal human child, the school reluctantly took him in as a student; Dustin had contracted indentity displacement disorder and thought that he was in fact an elf, refusing to leave the school until he had been given a dirty sock (even today, Dustin is known to steal socks from children and wear them on his head). As a student, Dustin earned straight-O grades, due to the fact that while incoherent babbling, Dustin inadverntantly uttered the spell "Mutocraniolus," exchanging his brain with that of a monkey's. As a result, Dustin's grades improved, and the monkey went on to run for president.
Rule of Satloffia
For a period in 2006, Dustin put his head inside of a carboard box and pretended he was the ruler of Satloffia, a mythical nation in the fantasy world of Narnia. At first, Satoff was known as a benevolent ruler and founder of Satloffia, despite the numberous wars he launched against harmless magical woodland creatures, because he "wanted a pet unicorn" and "didn't like spiders." Despite the fact that unicorns did not exist in Satloffia, Dustin would launch numberous bloody and merciless purges of the forest, eventually becoming an iron-fisted tyrant and ruling until he accidentally fell down the stairs with the cardboard box on his head and bruised his knee.
.jpg)
Hole to the Moon
In 2005, Dustin procured a high-powered industrial cavitation drill and used it to begin drilling in Northern Canada, to "drill a hole to the moon." Despite the protests by his friends and family, Dustin insisted that his plan would work, saying, "It's pretty obvious to any geo-astrologist. If you have enough momentum, the trajectory of a heavy-weight object through the space-time continuum should be carried, by my estimates, over 10,000 light years. NASA's got it all wrong." When asked why he had undertaken the venture, Dustin replied, "I really like cheese, so I'm sure I would enjoy space-cheese!" However, the U.S. government became aware of Dustin's project, and, to protect its monopoply of moon-cheese, the government deported Dustin to the African savannah, where he was mistaken for a lion cub and taken in by a pride of lions. When Dustin was rescued in 2004 by the Zimbabwean government, he had reverted to the cognitive level of a five-year old lion cub.
2005 Presidential Campaign
After losing the championships, Dustin launched a little-known presidential campaign, using the famous slogans "Vote Dusty-it's a musty," "If you like cats, Vote for my bats," and "Vote for Dustin, or you'll never see your family again." Using unconventional tactics, such as force and coercion, Dustin gained widespread support, but then realized that he had run his campaign in the wrong year. Nonetheless, Dustin maintains high hopes for the future and says he plans on "Being a astronaut-president, or maybe having a pony."
Later Life
Dustin Nathaniel Satloff | |
|---|---|
 Satloph, the protector of bamboo | |
| Born | 1993 (age 30–31) Olympus |
| Nationality | Olympian |
| Known for | Nymph |
Satloph Controversy
Later in his life, Dustin tried to file a patent for a cork golf club, but due to a typographical error he was mistaken for Dustin Satloph (Δυστιν Σαθθλοφ), the nymph protector of bamboo groves, the son of Zeus and Bamboozle.
As Greek myth states, Satloph was born of a wood nymph and was given the task of defending bamboo. However, the mischevous Satloph began to use the bamboo to thwack balls of cowhide, clearly disregarding Greek professional league rules. As punishment, Zeus zapped Satloph in the head with a crackly thunderbolt. Satloph devoloped retrograde amnesia as a result of this brain damage and took to thinking he was a panda, and thereafter guarded bamboo groves diligently.
Due to his resemblance to the Greek nymph, Dustin had a large monument built in his likeness at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, and remains venerated among Ancient Greeks to this day.
Pompeii Incident
Dustin was again embroiled in controversy when he was mistaken for Dustin Sattlof, the little known first-century mayor of Pompeii.
Through evidence collected from Roman manuscripts and stone tablet sketches, archaeologists discovered that Sattlof was the primary cause of the Vesuvius eruption. Apparently, Sattof had known that the eruption would occur through prophesies given by the oracle at Delphi and a basic knowledge of plate tectonics. In order to prevent the occurence, however, Sattlof had climed to the summit of Vesuvius and began hurling in tons of gunpowder, coal, pitch, and Greek fire, shouting, "Non me vinces! Ignis ignem delet!" roughly translated as "I'm not gonna let you beat me, volcano! You gotta fight fire with fire!" Ironically, the resulting explosion set off a chain reaction that caused the volcano to erupt its fiery contents over the city.
The making of the Satbat
Satbats are made through a simple but controversial reverse osmo-diffusion process.
- First, a young duckling is sprinkled with Dustin's patented fairy dust and the tears of endangered polar bear cubs. Once this duckling matures, it is slaughtered and fed to Dustin.
- Next, a regular brown bat is procured. This bat is clubbed to death with a bamboo baseball bat. This baseball bat is now ready to be sold.
Controversy
Dust In Satloff ("Dustin Satloff") | |
|---|---|
| Born | approx. 5bya Andromeda Galaxy, Satloff orbit |
| Nationality | Claimed by Dutch cosmonauts |
| Occupation | Dutch rover landed 1986 |
| Known for | Predicted collision with solar system |
Dustin was again the subject of controversy when, at the age of two, five NASA SAM (Surface to air missiles) with nuclear 210 HPWGP (210kt high-payload weapons-grade plutonium) missiles were fired directly into him. This was due to yet another typographical error; Dustin was mistaken for Dust in Satloff, a.k.a. Dustin Satloff, the high-density nebulon dust mass orbiting the star Satloff in the Andromeda Galaxy.
(First observed in 1066, the mass was simply named "dust mass in the Satloff," and by 1900 the abbreviation "Dustin Satloff" was in use. Upon being explored by a Dutch rover, the dust mass was found to be headed on a trajectory orbit towards the solar system.)
The Dust mass was predicted to collide with the solar sytem, which is why NASA accidentally fired the nuclear ballistic missiles at Dustin. Of course, this in itself was not fatal, as Dustin's natural armadillo-like armored plating skin protected him from the massive 500 kiloton explosion.
Recognition
In 2007 Dustin received the Golden Bat award for his endeavors in the field of baseball-bat manufacturing. He made a stirring and eloquent victory speech that became a hallmark of baseball, when he received the award and said "YAAAAY!!"
Memorable Quotes
Quote One:
Anonymous: You Don't Have A Reason!
Dustin: Yes It Is!
Quote Two:
Anonymous: I'll shove the egg down your throat!
Dustin: Then he'd choke and die and never live again!
Quote Three:
Anonymous: "Dustin, You're So Stupid"
Dustin: "No I Don't!"
Quote Four:
Dustin: I have to admit that my cat is a genius
Quote Five:
Dustin: You know what's fun? 10.
"Quote Six:"
Anonymous: "Don't you think you're too young to be getting patents?"
Dustin: "You've gotta start somewhere."
Published works
Business, Math, and Feta Cheese (2004)
The Crawfish Have Eyes (2004)
How to Solve 3+ Level Jigsaw Puzzles: An Illustrated Guide (2008)
I'm Confused Too!: Basic Long Division Made Easy (2009)