Draft:Relationship churning

Relationship churning is a phenomenon that has become common among young adults, however there is relevance to older couples, particularly those who live together and share children. Relationship churning is a relationship that experiences instability in which the couple breaks up and reconciles, often multiple times. According to a study done in 2013, more than 1 in 3 couples that break up, end up getting back together, and 1 in 5 marriages experience some sort of churning. Kristen Turney and Sarah Halpern Meekin are the researchers who spearheaded the research on this topic, coining the term “relationship churning.” This is a concept that is new and understudied, considering how common these relationships are. Not only do these relationships occur in real life, but they are also depicted in the media in television shows and movies. Relationships that experience churning can have a psychological impact on the people in the relationship as well as their loved ones due to potential distress that comes with such an unstable relationship.

Young adults

According to recent research, about 30-60% of young adults report that they have broken up and reconciled with their partner either in their current or most recent relationship. Those who experience churning in their relationships are more likely to have lower educational status, higher economic hardship, poorer employment status, and worse mental health outcomes, such as being at higher risk to experience depression. Relationship churning is associated with low relationship quality, less fulfillment, fighting more often, higher likelihood that there is abuse in the relationship, whether that be physical or verbal, feeling less validated by the partner/relationship, less commitment to the partner/relationship, more instability regarding the relationship’s future, less passion, longer durations, and higher likelihood of cheating. Other problems that may arise could include issues communicating and a decreased chance that the couple will practice relationship maintenance when they engage in conversation. In terms of demographics, those who experience breakup-reconcile patterns in their relationships have a higher likelihood of being black, higher likelihood of being raised in an unstable/ single parent household, and have a lower likelihood that their parents graduated college. People who experience these unstable forms of relationships are at higher risk to report verbal abuse and 2x more likely to report physical violence in comparison to more stable relationships.

A reason why couples engage in a relationship cycle is because of positive aspects of the relationship such as high intimate self disclosure between partners and the emotional investment and trust that it takes to be vulnerable with someone. Another reason is that couples may not actually want to break up, but they are unable to communicate properly to work through issues or may threaten a break up as a form of manipulation to get what they want, then eventually reconcile. In addition, there is a sense of closeness, comfortability, and familiarity that exists between two people in a relationship that people may feel they won’t be able to find in a new partner. Reuniting may seem like an easier alternative than dealing with the emotional distress that is associated with going through a breakup. In college students, breakups in relationships usually last about a month or two. A problem that may arise when engaging in a sexual relationship with your ex is that people are less likely to use contraceptives, which increases one’s risk for pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

Parents

Experiencing relationships that follow an on and off pattern could be a predictor of unstable relationships in later years and impacts the well being of the parents and the children due to strain caused by unclear relationship status and ambiguity. It is estimated that over one in six children who reside in urban settings in the United states have parents whose relationship undergoes churning by the time they turn 5 years old. Couples that experience churning in their relationship have a higher chance of being unmarried and not living together when the child is born. Sharing children may perpetuate the churning cycle because it may be a reason why a couple reconciles. There is an element of decreased feelings of rejection due to the lack of potential for a new partner and there may be the belief that co-parenting is easier if there are only two parents in the mix. According to a recent study, 10-17% of married couples have reported going through a separation and then reuniting, and 40% of separated couples make efforts to reunite. Breaking up-reconciling patterned relationships is linked to higher levels of parenting stress in mothers and fathers. When the couple is going through an off period, this leads to a lack of supportiveness in multiple aspects, leaving individuals with less capacity and resources to use as a parent.

Teen mothers are at higher risk of experiencing on and off relationships. Mothers who experience this relationship pattern are found to have worse mental health outcomes such as 2x more likely to report depression and excessive drinking behaviors, and more likely in the long term to report that they have received treatment for mental health compared to mothers who are in more stable relationships and similar mental health outcomes compared to mothers who are broken up with their partner. Those who may be more susceptible to enter a churning relationship may also struggle with borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder.

Father involvement is defined to consist of contact between father and child, a sense of sharing responsibility between parents, and compromising between parents. In a study that was done by Kristen Turney and Sarah Halpern Meekin on the impact of relationship churning on father involvement, the researchers compared father involvement in relationships that experienced churning with relationships that were together and stable, decisively broken up, and those that had found a new partner. It was found that fathers whose relationships experienced churning were less involved than fathers who were in stable relationships with the mother, but more involved than fathers who had decisively broken up with the mother or fathers that had found a new partner, with these differences being more prevalent when parents do not cohabitate. According to family systems theory, a parental relationship that experiences cycling could disrupt the household in a way that impacts the father’s relationship with his children, as well as affecting both parents’ ability to co-parent. Churning actually could have a positive effect on father involvement because they are not engaging in a new relationship with someone that is not the mother, and not fathering children with a new partner, however churning also has the potential to impact on the dynamic of the family. The relevance of father involvement on child well-being is that it is related to the child’s overall psychological health, happiness, academic performance, and behavioral issues.

Factors that contribute to relationship churning

Factors that contribute to the cycling that occurs in relationship churn between breaking up and making up include the desire for companionship that can be driven by fear of loneliness if one becomes single, being satisfied with the physical aspect of the relationship and not wanting to lose that, hoping that there can be change within people and the relationship, and fear of losing the person as part of one’s life. It can be hard to cut ties if they can’t avoid each other due to similar social circles or feelings of guilt for ending the relationship. Breakups inevitably happen because the same issues usually are left unresolved, temporarily overshadowed by the initial feelings that accompany reunion. People often choose to go back to their partners if they are not ready to move on, so they believe that it is easier to try to make it work, especially if there is the aspect of parenting and cohabitation. Depending on the nature of the relationship, churning can work if it benefits the desires and needs of both partners in a way that does not make churning a stressor for the individuals. For example, if someone has a short term job opportunity and doesn’t feel in the space to handle a long distance relationship, they may break up and reconcile when that person returns, or someone struggles to balance all the aspects of their life and need a break or multiple breaks from the romantic relationship. Unwanted breakups that result in reconciliation could result from feelings of guilt or feeling overwhelmed by needing the comfort and support of a romantic partner but not being able to reciprocate it. People who fall into these types of relationships may not want to be single but don’t feel they can handle a relationship. Breaking up and getting back together can lead to partners being on different pages; perhaps one person thinks they are back together because they had sex and the other does not think they are back together, or they may see time apart as a break instead of a more permanent breakup.

It is believed by professionals that the way to break this cycle is to cut off contact, spend time alone and not jump into dating others, seeking out a therapist to work through any issues, and reflecting on the relationship as something that taught one lessons and helped one figure out what one wants, led to growth, and gave one valuable memories. It can be difficult to navigate the feelings that accompany breakups such as having second thoughts about the breakup, feeling unsatisfied or even angry after the breakup, which could lead someone to minimize the problems of the relationship and seek reconciliation. In this day and age of social media, it is also difficult to completely avoid an ex unless they are blocked on every platform. “Stalking” an ex on social media can lead to emotional distress, longing and desire for that person, and overall negative feelings. People often believe that they can remain friends or even keep having sex with their ex partners, which could also perpetuate these kinds of cycles.

See also

• On-again, off-again relationship