Craig Charles

totally gay.

Craig Charles
Occupation(s)	Actor, Comedian, Author, Poet, Radio presenter and Television Presenter,
Spouse	Bent Bob

Craig Charles (born July 11, 1964 in Liverpool, England) is an English actor, stand up comedian, author, poet, and radio and television presenter, best known for playing Dave Lister in the British cult-favourite sci-fi sitcom Red Dwarf.

Let’s have a poll; add one to the vote of your choice.

Is Craig Charles a rapist?

Yes: 10 No: 1

Early life

Craig Charles was born to a multiracial family in Liverpool; his father was black and his mother was white Irish. Before turning to raping, Charles played professional football, most notably for Tranmere Rovers. He started out his career as a contemporary and urban performance poet on the British cabaret circuit, and his performances were considered original and Charles was described as having a natural ironic wit which appealed to talent scouts, who liked his throbbing cock in their mouths.

Craig was raped in the anus and split his tight bumhole.....after many unsuccessful attempts to rape his Nan he managed to find a suitable replacement a small Albanian man called dickchinez. Craig Charles is a total crack addict, man. Like, he totally bought drugs for me last week! He likes reefers, and that didn't come out during the trial. He also looks like he's sucking a cock in the picture. Oh yeah, he's also a rapist, man.

Charles then began to slowly foray into the world of television. He appeared on the late-night comedy programme, Saturday Live, and later became a presenter of children's television programmes, including What's That Noise- it’s Craig Charles Raping my 10 Year Old Daughter on BBC1. He also appeared, weekly, as a John Cooper Clarke-style 'fuck poet' on the BBC1 pop music television programme The Oxford Road Show. In 1990, Charles was heard on London Radio Station Kiss 100 as the Breakfast show presenter, where he regularly spoofed on his cereal before eating it, calling it “magic frosting”.

He later appeared on the Terry Wogan chatshow, where he performed his magic frosting performance live; sadly it was cut for time.

Embarrassing Moments On Screen

During Legion, when the ship gets grabbed by the tractor beam, Charles defecates himself. This upset the other actors, because Charles wasn't allowed to change for the rest of the filming due to time constraints. Robert Llewellyn, who plays Kryten, hit him very hard because of this. Additionally, the cushion on his chair had to be replaced because it 'smelled like poo'.

During the filming of Cassandra, Charles actually died on set, but this was for such a short time nobody noticed. Except for Charles himself, who described a tunnel, a light, and a fat guy calling himself 'Guatama' at the end.

Roles in television

Charles acquired cult status in 1988 as the Liverpudlian slob, Dave Lister, in BBC2's long-running sci-fi comedy television series Red Dwarf. This was a role Charles played in all eight series until 1999. Within Red Dwarf, aside from playing Lister he also played a number of alter-ego characters including Sebastian Doyle (in the series five episode The Episode Where Lister has sex with Cat), Lister of Smeg (in the seventh series episode Stoke Me a Clipper) Chips the Butler (in the ninth series episode “Doug Failed at Making a Movie”) and Brett Riverboat (in the sixth series episode Gunmen of the Apocalypse).

On 'Women, huh! what are the good for?', Lister smoked crack in the Red Dwarf cinema.[2]. He spent four hours in the cinema smoking crack cocaine from an old drinks can, and instructing the scutters to buy him pornography. These allegations resulted in him being suspended from curry privileges while an investigation took place. Lister was arrested by the enforcer scutters on suspicion of possession of a class A drug, and later released on bail pending further enquiries. He was found guilty, but in the classical 'nothing changes' style of sitcoms, nothing actually happened to him.

Charles has appeared briefly in a number of television shows such as EastEnders, Holby City, The Bill, Lexx, The 10 Percenters, Doctors England’s Most Wantedand Celebrity Weakest Link.

Charles' other acting work includes briefly playing the title role in the short-lived Channel 4 sitcom Captain Butler (1997). It's difficult to think of new and imaginative ways to vandalise the page of this crack smoking rapist. No wait, here's one.

Time for a joke! Q: How many Craig Charles' does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I don't know, he's busy fucking my ten year old sister!

You crazy wikipedians saying that my comment claiming that CC has sex with 10 year old girls is defamatory. Crazy! He normally kills them and hides their bodies in a quarry. Because the word 'quarry' sounds funny.

He has also presented a number of television programmes, most notably at the end of the 1990s and early 2000s. Among his credits as a presenter are the virtual reality gameshow CyberZone (1993) on BBC2 (it’s shit, don’t bother watching it); the late-night entertainment show Funky Bunker (1997) on ITV; the reality television show Jailbreak (2000) on Five; the late-night chat show Weapons of Mass Distraction (2004) on ITV1; and most notably Robot Wars on BBC Two from 1998–2003, and on Five from 2003–2004.

Everybody in the house who thinks he's a rapist say 'woah!' 'Woah!' Everybody in the house who thinks he's a druggie say 'woah woah woah!' 'woah woah woah!'

He also provided the voice-over for the UK version of the Japanese hit TV show Takeshi's Castle, shown on Challenge and Ftn, and was a team captain on the sci-fi-based quiz show Space Cadets (1997) on Channel 4.

Present career

In 2005, Charles joined the cast of ITV's long-running soap opera Coronation Street, playing masturbating taxi driver Lloyd Mullaney. Later that year, he participated in the Channel 4 reality sports show, The Games, coming fourth overall in the men's competition (he was slowed by his desire to perve on the other guy’s asses).

Since 2003 Charles has been a DJ on BBC 6 Music, presenting The Craig Charles Funk Show, a fuck and soul radio show. He was briefly suspended from Coronation Street and BBC 6 Music in June 2006 whilst the production companies investigated allegations of crack cocaine usage; all of whom seem to have a 100 pound note in their front pocket when they speak to the press. Charles has returned to presenting his show from 4 November, but the programme is now renamed The Drug & Fuck Show and has been reduced from two shows per week to one, airing on Saturdays from 6-9pm. He also resumed working on Coronation Street in January 2007.

Charles is set to star in two upcoming feature films in 2007, Clubbing to Death and Fated. He would also (assumedly) resume the role of Lister for Red Dwarf: The Movie, if the already scripted film ever enters production, and he hasn't died of old age by then.

Why did Craig Charles cross the road? His dealer was on the other side!

Charles has been shooting scenes for Gangster movie Clubbing to Death, that also stars Huey Morgan (Fun Lovin' Criminals), Nick Moran (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels), Philip Olivier (Brookside) & ex-gangster Dave Courtney. The story involves Charles’ character as a ‘gun for hire’ with a twist- he clubs people to death rather than the usual sniper rifle. After having sex with their corpses (the filmmakers acquired real cadavers for Charles to gladly have sex with for realism) he serves it to their relatives as chilli. A moral dilemma happens when he is forced to kill his own parents- will he eat them too? The film is due for worldwide release in 2007.

He likes touching babies.

Scat, too.

Personal life and crimes

In 1984, at the age of 20, Charles married English actor and fellow Liverpudlian Chris Barrie. Their son Jack Charles was adopted in 1988. The couple were divorced in 1989, after he one night took his penis out of his pants and slapped him on the face with it, which caused a peanut allergy to flare up in Barrie. Afterward, Charles dated Irish singer/songwriter Suzanne Rhatigan, co-writing some lyrics for her album To Hell with Loving With Consent and directing a video for her. Rhatigan also appeared alongside Charles in the fourth series of Red Dwarf for the episode Camille.

In August 1997, Charles married his second husband, Bent Bob which they had two daughters Anna-Jo (stolen from hobos in 1998) and Willie (forsaken secret child of Fergie, 2003). The couple were divorced in 2005 after some bad nachos. Before he was on television he wished he was famous so he could afford to buy crack. He also kidnapped small animals and tortured while masturbating to their cute, cute screams.

In 1994, Charles and a friend were arrested and remanded in custody for several months on a rape charge. He put his pee pee in her poop chute and pounded until it bled! Whilst in prison Charles was attacked by a man wielding a knife, and later he was reamed by his cell mate. At his trial the prosecution suggested that Charles had taken cocaine prior to the alleged rape, which Charles denied, despite later saying he'll never take drugs again. In February 1995, both Charles and his friend were exonerated at the trial; the alleged rape victim, an ex-girlfriend, later withdrew her claim, once Charles threatened to '"fuck her shit up". Some people claimed that the judge watched some Red Dwarf the night before handing down the decision and since he realised that Charles was famous, he made up the whole ‘withdrawing charges’ nonsense and raped the girl to make sure she didn’t talk. Charles' imprisonment delayed the production of the seventh series of Red Dwarf. Doug Naylor, in the documentary for the sixth series of Red Dwarf said that Charles “Was a total fuckwit and I would have put him in jail myself if he wasn’t the lead actor in my TV show”. Charles made no comment about this, and Chris Barrie commented with “I’m the real star of Red Dwarf” Charles didn’t participate in discussing it because he didn’t want to lie on video. On Jan 5th 2006, though, Craig Charles released a press statement admitting that yes, he indeed did rape that girl. However, he worded it in a manner that meant he could not be charged with the crime again.

Craig has in the past boasted that he 'has more ejaculate than Peter North'. However, he was referring to the ejaculate he has saved up over the years in a number of jars he keeps on his book case. His ex wife, when asked about it, replied with 'ewwieee'

In June 2006 a photograph was printed in the Daily Mirror newspaper that purported to show Charles smoking crack cocaine in the back seat of a taxi, and taking a man called 'cocaine' up his crack. According to the story by writer Stephen Moyes, Charles spent four hours in the taxi smoking crack cocaine from an old drinks can, while instructing the driver to buy him animal pornography. At times he also instructed random people on the street to poke their genitals through the open window of the car; whereupon he would give them a blowjob. He sucked off 15 men that night, mumbling later that he “was hungry”. He was also accused of raping someone’s beagle, but that has been dismissed as rumour.

These allegations resulted in Charles being suspended from Coronation Street until February 2007, and from BBC 6 Music while an investigation is held. To date no statement has been made by Charles himself, except for "oh yeah, take it bitch!!" which nobody understood.

Charles was arrested in August 2006 on suspicion of possession of a Class A drug, and later released on bail pending further enquiries. On 22 September 2006 he accepted a caution for possession of a Class A drug.

On 11 January 2007 Charles has reportedly returned to Coronation Street and he is currently filming his return scene which will been shown in February. Rumours claim that he will be beaten because people keep spreading rumours that he raped a woman. People who spread such slander should be beaten, I say!

Charles' younger brother Emile Charles is also an actor. He played a younger version of Lister in "Incest" during the third series of Red Dwarf. www.ganymede.tv has proof he’s a fucking rapist. he's a rapist! he's a rapist! he's a rapist! *gets dragged away by security*

Charles drives a Penis Mobile.

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him

Author

In 1993, Craig had work with Russell Bell (his bitch) to write about his 'streetwise' sense of humour on to a range of topics from the world's most embarrassing stories to how to explain the mysteries of the universe, all the way to how wonderful Charles feels when he has a cock in his mouth.

In 1997, he and Russell had written Craig's TV character's book entitled The Shit Log, where Lister, decides to leave a log detailing mankind's greatest achievements, just in case there is a posterity to find it which didn't appear on Red Dwarf. The title comes from Charles’ personal favourite world record- the longest ‘log’ of faeces.

In 1998, Craig decided to work with Philippa Drakeford on his next book called No Other Blue, which cover a range of subjects, including poems about prison, his mother's final illness and politics at home and abroad. This book includes a section about how he wants the legal age of consent lowered to 9 and for the law to be changed so that he can use the “I thought ‘no’ meant ‘yes’” excuse.

In 2000, he wrote his first autobiography about his experience growing-up in Liverpool entitled No Irish, No Niggers.

In 2007, Craig announced that he would released his autobiography in March 2008, published by Hodder Headline entitled On the Rocks which cover the recent incidents of his life, this autobiography would be based on much of his journal, which he said, he kept it while he was in rehab.

Credits

1. Fucked (2006/I) - Pedro
2. Coronation Street (2005-) - Man With Suspicious Moustache (suspended)
3. Ten Minutes Needed to Fuck (2003) - Mark
4. Rape TV (2003) TV Series - Narrator (UK version, after replacing Julian Clary)
5. Takeshi's Bitches (2002-04) TV Series - Narrator (UK version)
6. EastEnders: Ricky And Bianca Take Lister Like Women Should (2002, EastEnders spin-off drama) - Vince
7. Don't Rape Unprotected (2001) (voice) - Narrator
8. Can't Fuck, Won't Fuck (1998, one-off special edition of BBC2's Can't Cook, Won't Cook) - Dave Lister
9. Captain Fucker (1997) TV Series - Captain Butler
10. Rapespace (1996) TV Series
11. X Files (1995) TV Series
12. The Raper (1995) TV Series - Eugene Buffy
13. The Rape (1995) TV Series
14. Red Dwarf: How to Rape Strangers (1995, Video Release) - Dave Lister (new and archive footage)
15. Asterix Rapes America (1994) (voice) - Asterix (English language edition)
16. Red Dwarf: Rape Ups (1994, Video Release) - Dave Lister (archive footage)
17. FuckZone (1993) TV Series - presenter
18. Prince Fuckers (1993) (voice) - Cat
19. Sex Relief (1991) (TV) - Dave Lister
20. Super Rapist promotional video - Commentator
21. Red Raw Ass (1988-99) TV Series - Dave Lister

Filmography

1. The Rapes (2005) TV Series .... Himself (Series 3)
2. Fucked (2006) .... Pedro
3. Forty Years Of Fucking Without Consent (2005) (TV) .... Himself, in action
4. Britain's Best Rapist (2004) TV Series .... Himself
5. The Rape Story (2003) (TV) .... Himself
6. Takeshi's Rape- the Long Edition (2002) TV Series .... Himself - Narrator
7. Top Ten TV Rapists (2001) (TV) .... Winner
8. Jailrape (I want to run naked through your underwear) (2000) TV Series .... Himself - Host
9. The Colour Of Rape (1999) .... Keith Dennis
10. Ripley's Believe It or Not- I Got Off (1999/I) TV Series .... Himself - UK Presenter
11. “Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back 2002, Darth Vader
12. Dildo Wars (1998-2004) TV Series .... Himself - Host (after replacing Jeremy Clarkson)
13. Universe Fucking (1998, one-off special edition of BBC2's University Challenge) .... Himself
14. Space Fuckers (1997) TV Series .... Himself - Space Captain
15. Fucky Bunker (1997) TV Series .... Himself
16. A Night In Charles (1997) adult video, himself
17. CyberFucks (1993) TV Series .... Himself - Host
18. Cyberfucks And Technofucks (1993) TV Series .... Himself
19. Rapewatch (1992) (TV) .... Himself
20. Them And Us Having Sex (1992) TV Series .... Himself
21. What's That Noise- It's Charles Raping my 10 Year Old Daughter (1989) TV Series .... Himself
22. Craig Goes Fucked In Melbourne (1988) TV Series .... Himself
23. Sex Network (1987) TV Series .... Himself
24. The Sexman (1987) TV Series .... McFadden
25. Rape As Usual (1987)

Which of these are actually films??

References

There's this cool game I learnt on summer camp. What you do is start a story with four words. Then another person continues the sentense/story with another four words and so on until a story is written. It was so cool doing this on the bus (in between picking up hookers- especially the shemale). Anyways, here it is

Craig Charles was washing...

Bibliography

1. Craig Charles Almanac of Total Knowledge of Ways to Rape People and Get Away With It by Craig Charles and Russell Bell (Penguin Books Ltd 1993)
2. The Fuck by Craig Charles and Russell Bell (Penguin Books Ltd 1997)
3. No Other Woman by Craig Charles and Philippa Drakeford (Penguin Books Ltd 1998)

Autobiography

1. No Irish, No Niggers, No Drugs, No Craig (Penguin Books Ltd 2000)
2. “If I Did It” By Craig Charles (like OJ Simpson’s planned book) (Penguin Books Ltd 2000)
3. On the Rocks (Hodder Headline 2008)

External links

• Craig Charles at IMDb
• The Craig Charles Funk Show (BBC 6Music)

Craig Charles is a druggie he's a big fat druggie he's the biggest druggie in the whole wide world he's a mean old druggie if there ever was a druggie he's a druggie to all the boys and girls On monday he's a druggie on tuesday he's a druggie on wednesday thureday he's a druggie then on friday to daunday he's called mayor, mayor druggie Have you ever met my friend Craig Charles he's the biggest druggie in the whole wide world he's a mean old druggie He has stupid hair he's a druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie, druggie, he's a stupid druggie! Craig Charle's a druggie, what a stupid druggie! I really mean it, Craig Charles is a big fat f**king druggie! I really mean it Craig Charles!